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24/7 DETOX CAFE.....Personal Updates+BS (2)

Discussion in 'Freedom from Hell ~ Staying Clean~' started by spring, Mar 18, 2004.

  1. spring

    spring Administrator

    This thread got to be so long that we had to start another one. Part one is probably in the archives or on the last page of the general forum.

    Thanks again to bup4pain for the thread idea.
  2. mramell

    mramell Active Member

    Well, I guess this is just the continuation of the 7 page thing.. Fix it if I'm wrong..

    God I wish I had someone to call Mom again.. My own mother died about 12 years ago and she never saw me use heroin. I'm so happy she never did, but on the other hand I wish she had been around because I don't think my addiction would ever have gotten so out of control with her strength and wisdom to guide and comfort me. Instead I had brothers and sisters who seem to think I'm just plain useless because i went through all this addiction. Well, maybe I'm a bit tough on them because I could always confide in Mom when absolutly nobody else will listen. We were very close and her death hit me very hard. I sort of suffered in silence because of course everyone else always claimed to be closer to mom than everyone else...Being I was the drunk then junky naturally I couldn't have possibly been close to my mother...Wrong, wrong, wrong..
    You having faith in your son is wonderful. I envy him a great deal and by trusting him you might just have given him the strength he needed to push heroin out of his life. Few 'junkies' are ever trusted by anyone let alone thier mothers and few mothers will believe it when thier sons or daughters tell them they are clean. That lack of trust so often shatters relationships creating ireparable damage and the feeling of betrayal along with the feeling of not being trusted by the only person we usually can confide our deepest, darkest secrets to... It's to often an ugly scene few people can really even imagine let alone survive..
    Anyway, "Mom'... I think you're wise enough to realize that even if your son has pulled the wool over your eyes it is he, not you who will suffer most in the long run. I hope and pray he's being honest and reading your posts I think you're going to be fine. I certainly hope so. But if not then please, by all means come back and post often..
    I'll read and offer ideas and suggestions as often as feasable.

    Myself, well, I've been on methadone now 10 months and it's worked wonders for me. I've remained clean the entire time and have absolutly no intentions of heading back down that rathole of active addiction ever again..
    I had begun using at the age of 36 or 37 I forget, but now I'm 44 soon to be 45 and just now getting out of the gutter that is addiction. I had gotten clean 3 other times before finally falling down the hole and I've never gotten out. What that means is the other times I was able to get free of heroin without methadone, but something always dragged me back in. The last time I had been clean, no methadone, no heroin about a year and half then I was assulted and got my face crushed in by a boot. The doctors refused to give a former junky pain medication so I had to get the best pain reliever available without prescription: heroin. I then tried methadone in Ohio and got screwed by the system up there and ended up as a hopeless heroin addict. It wasn't till I finally got arrested, released then had to leave my wife and kids behind in Ohio to get into treatment in Texas. I now live with family and friends and haven't seen my wife since September, but we do talk on the phone almost daily. I have other problems and finding a place for us to both live has been nearly impossible so far, but now i have wheels so it will be any time now before i find suitable work and a place for us both to move to..
    My father lives in South Carolina and we seldom talk anymore. He's a self serving old man who blames me for making his life hard by making him worry. So I don't call him anymore to "worry him"..
    I miss him a lot, but I don't need the let down anymore..

    If my mother were alive I know for fact my life would be so much easier, but she isn't so all I can do is to pray and do my best to talk to her through God..
    Keep faith in your son. He'll appreciate it so much. Sometimes "tough love" works, but so often it only builds resentment and it often destroys relationships. I hope he's smart enough and you are too to see that sometimes people just need love and underst
  3. Jessie

    Jessie Well-Known Member

    Ohh Marty, I can sooo much relate to your words regarding your mother...My mother passed nine years ago, I was only 24 and she was my best friend in the world...We were each others best friends...She had suffered sooo much pain in the last 15 years of her life, which none of us (at that time) in the family could really relate to. By suffering with back pain for the last three years, I now have a better understanding of what she was going through...sure wish I had been more comforting more often while she was here..:(....I've also dealt with a brother who undoubtedly felt that HE was the closest to her - He was her favorite of course, but he did not share what we had shared...I now wish he could have....
    We all used to get annoyed at times listening to her complain about the pain she was in, but I always would listen and hold her -rub massage her back or legs ect.... My, I'd give ANYTHING just to hear her voice now or feel one of those great Mommy hugs that she always gave soo generously....
    I have the guilt of knowing that I used to steal a few of her pain pills each month, which along with her taking more than she should (guess it does run in the family, eh??) I'm sure left her without enough medication many times..[V].....
    It would be soo great to have her with me now..I too feel like I would not have fallen soo deeply into addiction...I would have shared my problem with her and she would have done anything and everything to convince me to get help....
    But, this is God's way I guess....I too pray and hope my prayers reach my mother...I sometimes feel this warm comfort spread over me, like one of her hugs and it's great....(I'm sure that sounds outlandish to some...lol).....
    Hang in there Marty, keep us posted.....I think our Mamma's are up there keeping a very close eye on us and I think they would be proud..:)
  4. Bup4pain

    Bup4pain Well-Known Member

    Hey ... Spring is here. [8D] Humm it was 18 deg out this am and my pond is frozen over [:0] .. However the snow is mostly gone, I have my motorcycle on the road (3 rides), and I have mowed my field. Some spring flowers are poking up, and my spirits are up too.:)

    82 days off opiates (bupe too). I am finally starting to sleep. I think I have about 3 nights I have not woke up at 2 am or 4 am. I also seem to not be overheating as much at night.

    I still sneeze a lot. Oh God when will THAT go away? Every now and again my sense of smell is haywire, and things stinks or I think I smell "something", only to find out it is an empty glass of V8 juice 15 feet away on a table or something like that.

    I still get a hot flash or a goose bump "rush" but lots less now. I some times feel the familiar w/d like feeling in my head, but it dose not last, and is just a reminder not the overwhelming stuff of 6-8 weeks ago!

    I feel a much more "level" feeling. Not the roller coaster I was before. I am being productive. I can do work and hike or bike, hear the birds and enjoy life again. I am not struggling every day or every hour like the first 2-3 weeks.

    I almost used this weekend, but am so glad I did not. Sleeping to 7:30 AM was a gift! Had I used I would be back battling the sleep issue again.

    My kids have noticed me now laughing again! My dope sick w/d ass is not dragging around. I can go places be with people and do things again.

    I am enjoying a lot of things now. Unfortunately I gained a lot of weight and need to get back down to my normal weight and size. Watching DVDs and eating was one way to pass time while in w/d, but now I have to work that lard off!

    I have to let you all know i do not read all the posts like I did before. I focus on the few I can relate to or by those I know. I only have so much time, and I am trying to spread it around. I have a lot to catch up on, and am living my life again.

    I will keep dropping in and checking up as much as I can. This place has grown and changed so much! WOW!

    Spring you may want to UN sticky the 24/7 Detox Caf? page 1-7 so just the continued page 8 thread lives on w/o cross posting.

    Glad to see so many are doing so well... Ashley is back too!!!! Waaahhh Hooo. [8D]

    Best wishes to all!!!! John

    Just say "no" to over 48 mg of sub/bupe!
  5. ashley80

    ashley80 Well-Known Member

    John, I tried to post to you last night, after reading this, but I spilled a glass of water on my keyboard, and it blew up!
    You sound GREAT! Your life is almost normal! You are one strong guy, my friend. And I can't believe you are still sneezing! At least that is the least disruptive of the WD symptoms.
    Now, since we are in the habit of being honest with each other - I have a question for ya: Why don't you toss the bupe? You know it's going to tempt you. You've got the morphine if you need it for pain, right? Just a thought here, but I'm thinking of you and don't want to see you make a mistake that will set you back. Because I KNOW you will succeed in the long run. But mental toughness can only take you so far, well pretty far, in your case.
    At any rate, you are sounding great, and I'm glad you are busy getting your life back together. The motorcycle has to be a great reward.
    We already know it's hard for me to practice what I preach. But I'm hanging in there, and I don't EVER want to do this again. I'm sick of it. There's easier and quicker ways to kill myself, if I decide (not likely) that that's what I want to do.
    And I can relate to the laughing thing, and it's wonderful that the kids have noticed. I'll bet they are really glad to have their dad "back." 82 days is amazing!!! I am really happy for you.
    Spring is a great time to be clean!
    Ashley :) :D :)
  6. Bup4pain

    Bup4pain Well-Known Member

    Ashley, sorry my post had that effect you you... (spilling water on your keyboard) But some people say I have that effect on woman. [:p] Yea I wish! ;)

    I have to admit not having that w/d pain sure is a wonderful thing. I can jump in the car on a trip and not have to worry about remembering my meds, or being paranoid about having needles with me, even if I did have a scrip for everything.

    I sanded my living room last night after work and even got one wall painted. I could not have done that a month ago.

    What I do notice the most now is a calm and level feeling. It's like a hurricane had passed. The wind has stopped rushing in my head. Feeling like this is what I have been struggling for, for so long.

    Looks like we have a few members coming to the end of their bupe usage. We also have a few just starting. What a great place to share. [8D]
  7. Bup4pain

    Bup4pain Well-Known Member

  8. ashley80

    ashley80 Well-Known Member

    90 DAYS!!!! Hurray!!! Way to go. That is just great, John. You are probably almost 100% normal by now. I'm just about 80 days behind you, lol. I hope you celebrate your accomplishment.
    PS, good info in that link. A bit depressing about it taking years for the emotional roller coaster to subside, but forewarned is forearmed, I guess. Thanks.
  9. spring

    spring Administrator

    Congrats John!! Yes, Please tell us.....are you feeling 100% normal yet? You have been sort of quiet these days....tell me it's because you have been out there too busy enjoying life to sit here and post! Oh..nevermiond, I just scrolled up and read your 4/7 post. Sounds like you are doing fantastically well!
    Whoa! I just scrolled up further to 4/5. I see how well you're doing! Plain to see I havent read this thread lately. Much like you, I rarely read every post anymore. I am so far behind it would take me a week of reading to get totally caught up...funny, I UNstickyed part # 1 of Detox Cafe without reading your request for it til just now.
    Curious...are you still having chronic pain? If so how are you dealing with it? Also wanted to know about the benzos. I cant remember if you stopped those along with the bup or if you did that way before....just wondering how long it took you to shake that monkey.

    It concerns me when I read about someone taking benzos to help them thru their opiate detox. It doesnt take long to develop an addiction to those. A year ago I took them for a week or two and when I stopped, my life was hell for weeks after. I hope they read your posts regarding benzos.

    Anyway....Happy 90 day Birthday John!!

    ~~~Do the right thing and risk the consequences~~~Spring~~~
  10. Bup4pain

    Bup4pain Well-Known Member

    Hey It's 4 am... up since 1 AM... Some day I will sleep like I did before opiates.

    Yes off benzo's since 11/19/03 (with a few here and there, 15 pills in 5 months... I keep a log) But my run in them in the late 70's was the bad one. Been careful since then. I had no clue. Now I know about them. They are dangerously addictive. Xanex is the worst!

    I still have pain... using OTC only for now. Sorta kinda working. Some days are bad, but most are OK. Not like before when every day was a 5+ w/o meds. That wears you down. Now a bad day is a 5 or a 6 and I manage. I don't know if I can take opiates for like a year w/o messing up my opiate "recovery" from a physical point. I will hold out a day at a time or unless the pain is to much. I am managing OK now.

    The B12 is helping me and my nerves seem to be recovering. I am getting new muscle, so they must be getting a signal again. From not being to brush my hair with my right arm to doing 15 push-ups. My arms are now both the same size. Before my right arm had atrophied so bad it would fall out of joint just walking. (I had to keep my thumb in my pocket to prevent it from doing that.) FYI I am right handed.

    Thanks for the kind words Spring.
  11. believe

    believe Active Member

    I screwed up...not feeling to great about myself
  12. ashley80

    ashley80 Well-Known Member

    Believe, we have ALL screwed up. It's not an easy thing, what you are doing. Don't beat yourself up. Sometimes screwing up can make you realize how hard it is, so that you get enough support to do it right the next time.
    Hang in there, OK? This is hard to do. If it wasn't, this board wouldn't be here, with a gazillion members.
    Come back and tell us more about what you plan to do next. Don't give up!
  13. believe

    believe Active Member

    Well on Monday when the Dr. is in I plan to go and ask about that new medication for getting off this. Some of the posts state that is fairly easy to get through your own Dr.If the Drs. upstate aren't able to do it I will go down to the city and get the help I need........I want off this so badly I am terrified about the depression more than the actual physical w/d. I mean I had bad flus and you feel crappy, but I didnt have depression to accompany that (you know what I mean) So between prayers, the new medication and the help of this board I really think (KNOW) I will be able to stop.
  14. spring

    spring Administrator

    Hi Believe and welcome!

    I don't know your story but it sounds to me like you are trying to kick cold turkey. Hard to do isn't it!

    Yes, you should check into getting some Suboxone(buprenorphine) prescribed to you. It will take most of your W/Ds away and also helps keep that awful deression away too while you are detoxing.

    Just a note though....No, you cant get it RXed from a family doctor unless he is specially cetified to RX it.

    You should be able to find a certified doc close to you. Maybe your family doc knows of one.
    Otherwise check out these sites http://www.buprenorphine.samhsa.gov/bwns_locator/index.html OR
    http://www.buprenorphine.samhsa.gov/bwns_locator/dr_search.htm OR
    http://www.suboxone.com/Suboxone/home.htm OR

    You ought to be able to find a doc thru one of these sites.
  15. believe

    believe Active Member

    Thank you so much for those links as I was going to try the link myself but couldnt find it. I am new to the board and all over the place (like my life)Even though I have pills in the house and yes I am taking them since I have decided to end this mess, I am not even enjoying them (which I KNOW is a good sign. Another question I have is in AA we had sponsers is there a woman or two that could do direct email with me while I do this. Dont get me wrong EVEYONE on this board is an inspiration..but I know what I need and while going through this just to check in once a day I know would be a huge help, plus like I said I just moved to rural upstate and dont know anyone yet. Anyone who could help I would really appreciate....Thanks
  16. gratefulgreg

    gratefulgreg Well-Known Member

    I joined the "screwed up club" too last week. I took a big break from coming to the board-probably shouldn't have. I had about 4 months oc-free and blew it for a week. I came to my senses and quit again. W/d wasn't too bad, about over and not too intense. I did have to go through it at work, though-that sucked. I got to get back to staying focused on not doing oxycontin. And I'd like to get back to talking to some of you who are trying to stay clean too.
  17. gratefulgreg

    gratefulgreg Well-Known Member

    I joined the "screwed up club" too last week. I took a big break from coming to the board-probably shouldn't have. I had about 4 months oc-free and blew it for a week. I came to my senses and quit again. W/d wasn't too bad, about over and not too intense. I did have to go through it at work, though-that sucked. I got to get back to staying focused on not doing oxycontin. And I'd like to get back to talking to some of you who are trying to stay clean too.
  18. gratefulgreg

    gratefulgreg Well-Known Member

    oops, how do you delete a redundant post, anyway?
  19. Mic

    Mic Guest

    Grateful Greg-
    Welcome back!! I had a 15-20 OC 80/day habit for almost two years. I know the OC pull. I'm taking 8 mg/Sub per day, and doing other recovery related stuff, and things are good. The OBSESSION is finally beginning to fade. It does get better, do the deal!!
    Best, MICIMO
  20. gratefulgreg

    gratefulgreg Well-Known Member

    Wow, up to 1600 mgs a day? Geez, I went through the worst hell of my life cold-turkeying 160 mgs a day. My problems now seem minimal. **** them oc's. I hate em. I will stay away from them. Luckily I thought about it before I got any deeper this time.

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