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30 days clean and struggling

Discussion in 'General' started by Mercychild, Mar 27, 2012.

  1. Mercychild

    Mercychild New Member

    I am new to this forum. Today I am 30 days clean from "h" and crack. I am not on any program as I had a year and a half clean time before, but again relapsed.

    I thought the cold turkey was to be the worst, but from about the 23rd day of clean time, it became rather tough.

    I am struggling from time to time and my thoughts is only focused on having a fix. I know to only take one day at a time or live moment to moment, but find it really hard to stay clean.:frown:
  2. Bonita

    Bonita Well-Known Member

    what else are you doing toward your recovery? What changes have you made in your life?

    that old saying of if nothing changes, then nothing changes was true for me.
    I know its hard to believe at first but the dope is a small part of our problem. I used the dope to cover what was really wrong with me. Until i was willing to work on me I was doomed to use again.
    I had to do a total do over in my life. I got involved in helping others, I eventually had to change my job, I began doing things differently. While using I pretty much stayed by myself. Today I rarely get time alone. Not saying that at times we don't deseve some alone time but in the beginning of my clean time if alone I would think about getting high. I began going to meetings really just to meet folks that their life was not around the dope all time. I found friends that had a life that was not wrapped around dope. The only place I knew to find these 3d folks was in the rooms. Soon I has a handfull of folks I could call on to go sailing or bowling. I couldn't believe i enjoyed to bowl. I did. I actually joined a bowling team in my first yr clean. I had a blast with them.

    But dear... if nothing changes you gonna go back to using. Boredom is dangerous for us addicts. I bought myself a ps3 at my 6mo marker and I am ashamed to say how many hours I played. NOt saying to get involved in ps3 but yoiu have to find something that will give you pleasure.

    A program was ness for me. I made myself go to meetings even though at first I really didn't enjoy them. I needed to build a new life and not a clue on how to do that. Those rooms helped me do this.

    Today, I am nearing 3yrs clean after using for over 35yrs. it took working on me, changing my life, changing my friends, changing my job.
  3. movazi

    movazi Well-Known Member


    You have hit what I call the brick wall. We all have relapsed in the past because of this brick wall. You get to a point that things get mentally real tough, depression, anxiety, boredom, no interest in any activity, etc.

    When we hit this point (usually after the acute wd are over) we think that this is how life will be without opiates. We fail to give time a chance to heal the brain chemistry. It eventually heals itself but it will take time and you must give time a chance to do its job, it can take months, some say a year (I am 4 months into this and woke up today at 5 A.M. not being able to sleep :)

    Do not give up, this is not how life will feel in few months. Things get better as weeks pass. Some weeks may be better than others, some weeks you will fell wd symptoms again for no reason, this is all part of the long process for the brain to regain its chemical balance.

    If you understand this simple fact + have the real desire to start a clean life then you can do it.
    Support is obviously good to have but I do not think it is necessary. Stay away from other users, post on this forum or other forums and find some people who you can relate to, but most important of all is to know that what you are experiencing is called PAWS (post acute withdrawal symptom) and due to messed up brain neurotransmitters caused by long term opiate use. It always passes if you give it enough time and the time is longer than few days or few weeks, sorry.
  4. Mercychild

    Mercychild New Member

    I have changed a lot of things. I quit my job, moved to another area, got divorced, trying to avoid handling cash, but living on my own.

    I am currently doing the 90/90 program, but due to a broken down vehicle I could not go there for the past week. I am also part of an outpatient program, but my medical aid is depleted for the rest of the year and cant get more medical help or medication.

    I am also diagnosed bi-polar and cannot afford the medication. I have done the full circle of addiction from losing my house, cars, furniture, marraige, dignity and character.

    Some days are okay while others like today it appears that I cannot focus on anything else then these cravings which is genuine suffering for me.

    I am trying to find a sponsor, but here female sponsors are scares.
  5. Bonita

    Bonita Well-Known Member

    just keep putting one foot in front of the other... it does take time for our brains to heal. Excerise will help you, take the aminos to help speed up the process.

    I used CBT a lot in my first yr... now its just a part of my daily routine. For me it was the most affective. The Rooms gave me the social outlet I needed and taught me a hell of a lot. CBT taught me to change my thinking process. Look it to it and see if its a good fit for you

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