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a lifelong process -- just for today

Discussion in 'Freedom from Hell ~ Staying Clean~' started by BackInAction, Oct 17, 2011.

  1. BackInAction

    BackInAction Active Member

    Hello all! Some of you guys may remember me, I used to go by the name 'Rip This Joint.' I am back on the boards and have just been reading -- but I have been feeling like I need to start contributing. I think I originally came here around 2007. I got clean in 2008, stayed clean until the summer of 2010 and currently have about four months clean. June 22, 2011 is my clean date and I intend to keep it that way.

    So, I figured I would start my own thread -- if for no other reason than to give myself another outlet. It's always amazing to see people stay clean and be courgeous enough to give this new way of life a chance. It is difficult, complex, and there is no easy way to get through it. One thing that helps me stay focused is the idea that it is a PROCESS -- there is no end and life will constantly (until we die) give us challenges and opportunities for growth. This helps me stay out of the perfection business. It helps me stay humble, patient, and tolerant. It lets me be me.

    Anyway, thats all for now.
  2. OnMyWay

    OnMyWay Well-Known Member

    RIP! Hey dude! It's really awesome to see you. Happy to hear you are doing well. Good for you and your four months. Looking forward to hearing what you have to say, what you have to share. All the best to you.
  3. Parachute

    Parachute Well-Known Member

    Waddup RIP!! Good to see you back man~! Really glad to see this post.

    Life is good on Clean Street my friend. Every life has challenges, its nice to be in those challenges when they don't relate to dope! When they do relate to dope, I now have the tools to really look at myself, ask for help, and make sure I keep going only one way......Toward freedom and a growing life within that freedom.
  4. BackInAction

    BackInAction Active Member

    Really good to hear from you guys and to see that your still clean. Like I said, I'm starting over once again. I also recently quit smoking (three days without a patch) and thats making me a bit unstable emotionally.

    Gonna go back to school in January and hopefully finish my degree. I think one of the problems has been that I keep returning to shitty labor jobs and I get depressed. So, the fact that I'm at mom's house (collecting unemployment) and can focus exclusively on my education helps keep the hope alive.

    Don't get me wrong, I realize that getting a job in my field will be a challenge (I may not, after all) and that even if I do, it won't fill the void. But it's an accomplishment and a way to build my character, regardless of the outcome.
  5. guinevere64

    guinevere64 Well-Known Member

    Rip... lovely to see you. So glad you're off drugs and quitting nicotine. I relate to your goal of getting paid for what you do, and improving your situation. Looking forward to reading about your progress... How are you doing today? /G
  6. BackInAction

    BackInAction Active Member

    i went to a 1-on-1 counseling session today and it was a real eye-opener. i had this awareness about how i am holding on to all of this emotional pain and refuse to show emotion. the therapist took me to places where i was about to break down and i refused, i kept it all in. i really need to get rid of this stuff and i'm going to pray for the willingness to open up and express myself. i'm always telling myself to be myself and this seems like the perfect way to really start doing that.

    and i started smoking again...
  7. guinevere64

    guinevere64 Well-Known Member

    I started getting a lot better when I just accepted that I had to write, and started writing... It's a way of expressing myself and also helping others.

    What would happen if you were to let your feelings out?

  8. BackInAction

    BackInAction Active Member

    well, for one, i wouldn't be able to keep up my pride/ego and this f'ing illusion that i have about myself -- which everyone can see through anyway. this whole "i have it all together" attitude which is in complete contrast to my actual, real-life life. so yeah, i'm always the last to know... and i can only get better.

    i'm scared. life scares me, feelings scare me, being 'Justin' scares me :|
  9. Trigger

    Trigger Well-Known Member

    Can everyone see through you, or are you the only one holding yourself to the illusion of Justin? My identity becomes fearful when it's something that I must live up to, not something that emanates from me in the present moment.

    My own struggles with heroin led to such isolation and a fervent desire to be someone else, anyone else. Contrary action helps... or just going out into the world and seeking newness, being curious. Having zero expectations of yourself and others around you.
  10. snapper

    snapper Well-Known Member

    Work is work is work. Everyone does it.
    If I coulda made $ being a junky I'd be a pill head magnate baron right now.
    Workin crap jobs sucks the life from you seemingly.
    I conceded and called it exercise on my hardest days framing houses early 2000's. Fl sun, walking a tar papered roof, ughhhhh. I can barely stand Gatorade to this day because of it.
    I quit cigs and started again myself. Powered right through the nasty taste in my mouth like my old self....gotta want it. LOL
    Good to see some come back here. I have a feeling I'm gonna hang around for some time. I need this place.
    Good luck to you,
  11. Rainier

    Rainier Well-Known Member

    I find that having a job that I love in a place that I also love makes a huge difference for me. A lot of people have told me that it won't keep me clean, but it sure as hell does help. Since I'm happier than I've been in memory, I just can't see throwing it away for dope...

    And Trig is right; seeking newness and adventure will make your life way, way better. And losing the expectations - particularly of other people - is a necessity.
  12. AumuA

    AumuA Well-Known Member

    Hey there I'm just going to bump your thread up cause it's weird man.. I was reading through my thread over there and I kept seeing this person posting kind of cool and supportive stuff at key times, and I didn't ever respond for some reason to this person.

    But, so, yeah.. thanks!

    How you doing?
  13. BackInAction

    BackInAction Active Member

    I'm still clean and just realized what a ******* miracle that is. Up, down, good, bad, happy, sad, hopeful, depressed, blah, blah, blah.

    Still holding crazy expectations of myself and struggling to find my place in the world. In school full-time and want to pursue a DPT degree but I'm unsure if my legal record will prevent that. So I feel like a fake -- that I'm just wasting my time and will eventually be forced to go back into blue collar work. Limited income, no vehicle and still living at my parents house. (I'm happy, can u tell?)

    There are moments of gratitude. I have good people in my life again and there is hope. They say some are sicker than others and I consider myself one of them. I get in my own way every ******* chance I get. So, that's cool.

    But at the end of the day, I accept this life of mine and keep trying and just do the best I'm capable of.
  14. movazi

    movazi Well-Known Member


    What exactly made you start using after being off opiates for two years ?
    How was the journey during those two years ?
    How long after quitting in 2008 did the PAWS go away (or did they)?
  15. BackInAction

    BackInAction Active Member

    Good questions.

    I started using after 2 1/2 years on an impulse. I had separated from my support and had allowed my world to shrink to the point that all I could hear or see was my self. So after a few months of complete self-obsession, I couldn't take it anymore and one afternoon I just went and copped.

    The journey was rewarding, enlightening, extremely difficult, and something I couldn't maintain on my own.

    The PAWS were never really a concern of mine. My lifestyle just gradually changed so that exercise, proper nutrition and taking care of myself was paramount to my emotional stability. It was a paradigm shift from victim to responsibility. What I mean is that the focus shifts from the problem to what the **** I'm going to do about it.
  16. AumuA

    AumuA Well-Known Member

    You started using after 2.5 years on an impulse, and I recognize that's all it takes.. just one day, one moment, out of 1000 days of staying clean, the idea takes hold and moves you to partake. Addiction can be so demanding and insistent, and also can be so so patient.. just waiting for that moment. I believe that everything I do in recovery to maintain my state of mind is just to have some defense when that moment arrives.. to give me a fighting chance at that juncture where I otherwise would not have a chance. When it all comes down to the wire.. which way are you going to choose? That's where having a program can tip the scales. I'm grateful for it, f*ck yea I am.. and the other benefits of growing up in recovery well, that's just icing on the cake. :smile:
  17. movazi

    movazi Well-Known Member


    You say PAWS were never a concern. For me it has always been the prolonged PAWS that made me go back to using opium.

    I am four months now off Sube. The PAWS are still there (they are different though than PAWS from using raw Opium), but they are not getting any better (there are days I feel ok and then there are days of having full blown WD symptoms for no apparent reason).

    How long did your PAWS last ? You must have had them.
  18. BackInAction

    BackInAction Active Member

    Yeah, an impulse. How can you resist, when you WANT to do it?

    This last time I was on 16mg of sub for almost 6 months. I didn't sleep well for almost two months and it was like being born again. You have to give your body/mind time to adapt.

    Also, as much as it's physical, it's also mental and emotional. Things need to change. I could never simply remove the drugs and go on living the exact same way I was. The drugs are not the problem -- so their removal fixes nothing.

    If you are physically capable, I would start exercising; it's one of my biggest copping mechanisms. Go to meetings, get involved with something, etc. I'm not trying to take your situation lightly, but I am suggesting you try out some new strategies.
  19. Bonita

    Bonita Well-Known Member

    Back..... excellent advice. It took me some time to realize that dope was not my real problem... but the solution to my problems. It took over 35 yrs to realize this. I kept thinking once I get thru the wd my life will improve. Little did I know my life just began and it was like I was 10yrs old again. Had to relearn everything.

  20. BackInAction

    BackInAction Active Member

    After relapsing I experienced the worst time of my life. I ended up with two misdemeanor charges and was/am completely defeated. And I thought it was difficult BEFORE I relapsed. I just went ahead and made things 1000x worse.

    Anyhow, I'm at this stage where I'm living with my parents, collecting unemployment, have no license, no vehicle, and am in school but really have no direction as far as that is concerned. I just don't know what to do. Whenever I work labor-intensive jobs with no opportunities I get pissed because I know I'm better than that -- but do I really have a chance at a professional job with my record? If so, what do I really want to do? And with the cost of tuition these days it becomes overwhelming. Will I put myself in even MORE debt and be in the same position?

    I just feel lost and hopeless sometimes and this is when my addiction makes its money. This is when it becomes time to really change -- to be open and honest and ask for help. But that is not my way of doing things. I like to isolate and hide and act like everything is A-OK.

    I feel like if I am honest about my hopelessness and my situation it could make things worse because there isn't really any solution to my problem right now. So then what? Instead of acting like everything is OK, and bearing my burden alone -- now other people get a glimpse of my despair and just take pity on me. Nothing is worse for the ego than pity. That look people give you that says "just stay strong, you can do this, things will work out," but in the back of their head they are counting their lucky stars that it's me and not them.

    And it's all fear. I come from a decent family, we've always had nice things, went on vacations, did what we wanted to do. I'm 25 and I feel like a failure. I don't know what to do.

    Poor me.

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