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A little hope for someone... Intro

Discussion in 'General' started by seekingredemption, Oct 10, 2015.

  1. seekingredemption

    seekingredemption New Member

    Hello everyone,

    I just wanted to come in and say a few things. I was an old member on this forum and revisiting was a thing I was scared of, but I felt like I owed it to some people to pay it forward. It was a long and strenuous road to get to the point where I am now, but wanted to offer some insights on what helped and what I did.
    I won't go into to too many details, but all I do KNOW for a fact is that someone was looking out for me and offered help in a number of different ways. I'll call that "someone" God. It was a long dark tunnel I couldn't see my way through. I had so many questions, thoughts, fears, insecurities, regrets, etc and I couldn't see how to make the changes and reach the potential I felt I could reach. But throughout it all, I almost felt somewhat like Noah, when they said he came to himself. Take that for what it's worth.

    At a time when I was searching and seeking for anything and everything to fill voids in my life and trying my best to make sense of things and fight the loneliness, I found a job offer away. I knew it would be hard, but provided a way for me to get away from my past demons and hell that I created and that was created around me. I did so and saw the light in a sense. I still felt like an alien in many different situations, but it taught me I was living in a cloud for so many years and had been missing out on life that I was dreaming of living. I had to dig through all the mess I created and get down to the why's of why things started happening. I was able to over a period of 2-3 months clear my mind, my thoughts, relieve the stress and anxiety and get back to being a productive member of society. I decided to use my experiences as so many have in the past to journal, write, and record things I have learned and observed to pay it forward to someONE... Remembering the hell that I went through and recalling things as they were I can only wish I knew the things that I know now. Sometimes, you have to let go and trust in others. It was the hardest thing to drop my pride and ego and allow someone else to help. I am the type you would have to help from a distance and that is the way it went.
    With dealing with people, I only wanted to entertain people who have gone through things in their own lives similar. I felt like only they would understand.

    I had to ask why I got to the point I got to and I had so much pain and hurt from my youth and adolescence that I just wanted to cover my inability and get rid of the desires that couldn't be quenched for whatever reasons. Learning to channel those emotions into art, writing, and speaking I found something that I enjoy and am somewhat decent at, by my own standards.

    The biggest thing to deal with was the loneliness and isolation. Realizing that, although you think people don't know. Word spreads quick and you can notice things in the physical that you don't think people can notice. This caused a high level of paranoia. Now, that I am on the other side of things, I can see in other people and realize that's exactly how I was perceived and noticed and now it makes sense why I lost so many connections. That hurt the most, that I would be viewed by the family and people I once knew as an alien or outsider. But even in that experience, it teaches how to deal with oneself. I always wanted a family, wife and children, but realize if things are genetic then perhaps it may not be the best option and perhaps some damage is irreversible? So, I deal with that and continue to just become comfortable in being alone and understanding why it is this way. I know that might sound depressing, but it's relieving in a sense, as now I can know partially why things didn't happen like they could have. That will probably be with me forever, because it was a huge dream. I choose to learn how to take the good times with the bad times and rather enjoy each time as they come. It's amazing to be able to sit back and observe and use things for a greater purpose.

    In a sense I felt "fallen from Grace", but perhaps Grace kept things from being as bad as they could have been. Spiritual guidance and seeking was of the utmost importance and exercising the mind was key. Perhaps the number one thing that helped the most was GETTING AWAY from previous environments. Even when I go back home every now and again, those old memories can get to you. Mainly just regret and "how could I have been so.....". Either way I've learned, you never know who is who and who's for you and who's against you. I've been surprised by some I thought were my closest friends and shocked by those that I didn't think would have cared the least. I will eventually open a blog, but I at least wanted to come back and start trying to encourage and help where I can here and there.

    To everyone going through it.... please hang in there and be honest with yourself on things. It's so funny, I recall reading posts like that and I would get irritated, but it makes so much more sense. Seek your God and/or higher power and believe that you will get better no matter the situation and how hard it looks. Use your mind to help you see out of how it will be. When suffering, read others who have gone through. I recall reading other stories and thinking "I can't wait to be able to say that and give back".


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