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About 4 years of my life wasted away on opiates

Discussion in 'Detoxing From Pain Meds' started by Rainbow_Roo, Jan 2, 2004.

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  1. Rainbow_Roo

    Rainbow_Roo Guest

    It started when I was around 20, or 21, or so. Around 18 or 19 I came to the realization that I was transgender - male to female..or in otherwords.. I felt female even though I had the body of a male. Both my parents have arthritis and back problems, and had plentiful supplies of Vicodin ES. I originally started taking them with their approval for back pains, bad migraines - which I do get..and secretly a reason I kept to myself..it sort of made dealing with life on a day to day basis as transgender much easier. My mind would become clouded with euphoria and I just wouldn't mind the world being so hard..living as I am - where simply going out into society caused me pain because of my male traits. Well back then - it started with just one a day..which would make me feel fine the whole day.

    I'd also work at a public High School -and being the shy and nervous sort working in an environment where people of almost similiar age expected me to act 'male' - I'd also take them to deal with my job on a daily basis. Eventually 1 pill became 2 pills..then 3, then 4...and for a couple years it was 2 or 3 per day. The last few months were bad - anywhere from 5-8 pills per day.

    Then the last week or two my folks received some Oxycontin for some bad discs my mother has in her back..and I started taking those too. The past week or two I'd find myself actually creeping into rooms at night to get a few for the next day...just a few..thinking sometime later I'd just magically do alright without them. But this kept on going ..night after night...ninja girl..creeping into rooms at 3 or 4 in the morning to get a pill or two..or three, for the next day.

    Well - I came to the decision that this isn't living anymore. This isn't living life. To just go around in an almost zombie like state..letting this control your life..feeling like you're chained to this little pill and if you don't take one when getting up in the morning that you'd freak out..well, no more.

    Well yesterday around 8 or 9 a.m. was my last Vicodin ES - granted the majority of my time on these things were Vicodin - not Oxy..and the fact that I started to take Oxy and would prefer that over Vicodin..well it was just too much. Last night was hell - around 3 or 4 in the morning specifically. Is it normal to go through such bad withdrawl that soon? Since I had had one as late as around 9 or so in the morning earlier that day? I was up until around 6 a.m. or so and slept until 7 p.m. - luckly I'm on a winter break of sorts..so I don't have to be anywhere. I admit I feel better then I did before I slept..but I don't feel like I'm out of the woods yet.

    I feel chills all over..my legs are aching something awful...I feel kind of paranoid..and like nothing..nothing in the house can occupy me. Not TV, friends, ..nothing. Like..nothing can get my mind off of the struggle I'm going through - but I don't care. I will *not* waste another precious moment of my life, *MY* life - being controlled by these things. I'm taking my life back..if I have to go through hell itself and come back from the flames - then that's what I'll do.

    I've had some people telling me three days or so will be the worst of it..and then eventually it will be like a haze of fog lifting from my eyes and mind. That has me so hopefuly. I'm tired of living a life where a fog was always over my thoughts and the world. I told a friend of mine that it even seemed tonight as if colors in my room seemed just a little more alive..a little more 'there', if that makes any sense..like they were more a part of my life.and not so detatched. I don't know if any of this makes sense..but I know it's been more then 24 hours since I've taken one..I hope it only gets easier from here.. I'm praying..
  2. Bup4pain

    Bup4pain Well-Known Member

    Don't know if you have had SRS yet, but that is painful and a lot of pain killers are needed for the recovery. Not being just one procedure it can in it's self lead to addiction.

    Good luck with your choice. It takes a lot of courage to do what you are doing.

    If you plan on surgery make sure your MD knows of your drug usage history because of your quick tolerance. If he is not informed you will suffer way to much. FYI

    Hang in there... most if not all of us have been there, or are in the process of quitting.


  3. tulsa

    tulsa Member

    Read Tulsa is callin and you will see exactly what to expect over the next few days. I am one week "cold turkey" on Sunday and feel like a new man. However, the first four days were dreadful! Good luck and you really can do it!
  4. Greg Price

    Greg Price Member

    to rainbow roo.
    Read tulsa calling. He had a bit of a tougher time 4 - 5 day W/D but I know how europhic he is feeling today on 6 or 7.
    Briefly, day 2 seems to be tuff because the little demond in your head is going to tell you to take just one or two and the pain will subside. But that is a lie, you will set yourself back to the first W/D symptom. Day 3 you will feel a extremely better. Day 4 you will probably feel 80%.
    Again, look for the advises given for tulsa (2 folders) and you will feel tons better soon, hours.
    Dont give up and dont load on a bunch of over the counter meds.
    I will say that myself (cold turkey ) on day 8 I ask myself why was I taking those pills because I love the natural high (refered to as the pink cloud). That said I did use an OTC nightime caugh syrup while I was tetoxing. But, as the usual junky mind thinks I figured I would take 3x the recommended dose. I was miserably awake all night.
    Be careful with what you take if anything (I say not to cuz remember, your going cold turkey) cuz the idea of detox is to get all the poison out of your body.
    Befor day 4 arrives find a sauna to sit in for at least one hour. This will begin to pull the toxins from the fatty tissues where the toxins are stored. Go for as many days as possible. It was suggested taking hot baths/showers and that made me feel much better all though it was mentally tough to go and do it. Glad I did and so will you.
    Good news, your halfway through the hell.
    Use vitamins to replenish the toxins that have depleted. Thats part of the reason of the aches.
    Let us know how you are doing becaus we are behind you.
  5. Rainbow_Roo

    Rainbow_Roo Member

    Gosh..thanks for the support everyone..it means a lot - especially since I honest-to-goodness don't have *any* local friends I can hang out with to get me through these times. It's basically me and my room - and that's it. I am in a relationship - but the relationship is long distance..a couple thousand miles between each of us - and although he does offer wonderful support..I'd love to just be held during these times and told it'll all be alright.

    I think I messed up in my original post. The day that I last took the dreaded thing was on the 1st - somewhere between 12 pm and 3 pm (but then..when you're on that stuff..you tend to be in your own little world, and disregard time.) - so in a few hours, I'll be coming up on my 48 hour mark of being clean.

    I've been on my own for the most part. I have a lot of support from friends online - but I've found myself at times feeling anti-social..just like.. I can't feel happy..or not talkative. I pray that eventually the anti-socialness will go away, and that I'll be happy. My withdrawal symptoms have been (from most often ocurring to least) body aches(legs/arms mostly), jitteriness, sneezing, diarrhea, nausea, insomnia

    Though..all of those above symptoms have been hitting hard enough and enough times that none of them can really be classified as 'least'. I don't mind the symptoms. I don't. I'll go through hell as long as it takes to find the light at the end of the tunnel. I won't let my life be taken away from me. There's been times where I've curled up in my bed and cried.. I don't know..depression..the realization that I let this steal away 3 or 4 years of my life.

    I am lucky enough that working for the school system I don't return to work until Mid-January. I finally got to sleep last night around 4 a.m. after watching the old version of The Shining(A favorite of mine) - and promptly woke up around 6:30 or 7 a.m. I couldn't get back to sleep - insomnia strikes again. So what did I do? I got on my exercise bike and rode 5.1 miles. Yeah - 5.1 miles. And I'll do another 5 miles before the day is done. I am *that* determined to show the world - my friends - just how strong I am.

    I've not had to take much over the counter. During the past couple of days I took maybe 2 advil per day for muscle aches (which isn't much, since it's someting every 6 hours as needed) - and I've been taking 2 immodium tablets per day to help with one of the nasty symptoms. Also on the list is multivitamins - been taking a fair share of those.

    What's this pink cloud that was mentioned. Is it really true that soon I'll be out of this limbo state? I mean.. I don't feel like I'm in hell, nor do I feel like I'm in heaven.. I feel stuck..trapped in some sort of state between where I've been and where I want to be. Will I truly feel really *happy* again..? I mean..happy with life..happy with myself. Right now, I feel mostly listless, scared that I'll feel the exact same way tomorrow, and the day after, and after that.

    Also..I'm really trying to figure out what I can do to deal with the restlessness. Exercising on my exercise bike is one option. I don't really know what else to do though..and I wish I had some more ideas. It's been too cold and windy to go outside.

    So yeah..I'm at or around the 48 hour point..and I wonder where things will go from here. The weeks leading up to the point where I stopped, I had been taking about 7-9 vicodin ES's a day, and during the last week, about 3-4 percocet's a day on top of the added vicodin amount. I'm really surprised that I'm getting through this without more grief. I mean it's not easy..but I thought my punishment would be much more severe. Maybe since the last few weeks were only just weeks...most of the years it had been 1 to 2 vics starting off then in the later years 4 or 5 vics a day.

    Funny thing is that there's a ton of Oxy's and Vic's ES in the next room. Not mine - but that had never stopped me before. But like I said.. I'm done. I *know* where that road will take me..ultimately, I'll waste awa
  6. cgdg

    cgdg Well-Known Member

    Yer doing great w/the exercise thing...get as *much* exercise as humanly possible, it'll help IMMENSELY w/the restlessness...the exercise bike is perfect, but getting outside and walking and/or jogging helps increase the heart rate...tiring yourself out physically is a GOOD thing (hard to do when you feel so bad).

    Try and stay busy...I know it's difficult, but force yourself!

    Also...hop in the shower, and *sit* under a nice hot stream of water...some people prefer baths - I've found the shower to be better as I can adjust water temp easier to suit my needs...trust me - it helps!
  7. Rainbow_Roo

    Rainbow_Roo Member

    Some good/bad news guys =(

    The past couple of days I was doing really good. Very productive - got my car smog checked, passed..been very active. Today - I resigned myself to clean up my room. I really went to *town* on it..to the point I was acheyish. I thought I had made sure all the watson 385's(oxy?) were out of my posession and in my folks' possession..but when I was cleaning my floor today in my room...guess what I saw.

    There it was..the little oval white thing..devil..demon...If my folks had been around at the time - I probably would have been strong enough to give it to them..but they were out. I literally stood in the kitchen for like..10 minutes..holding it...but I caved in and took it.

    That was around 2 pm. And you know what the funny (and maybe blessed?) thing is? I've felt godawful sick. Not sick as in not feeling well..but like..the 'buzz' it's given me ...I can't stand it..it's like feeling weak and like there's a void of gravity in my tummy that's pulling down on me. And the da!n thing has been effecting me all day! Back when I was hooked it'd be like gone in a few hours...and here I am 11 or 12 hours later and the freaking sensation is still there. At several points today I tried to induce myself to uh..'upspill' to try and get rid of the pill..but I seem to have a weak gag reflex..I couldn't do it. So I've been drinking lots of juices as quick as I can.

    But I'm really scared. All my physical withdrawl symptoms were pretty much gone...there was a little bit of psychological (obviously, if I did something stupid like taking a pill I found) - but it's the only one available to me. But I'm really scared - am I going to go through withdrawal just as bad as before when I was taking like 8-10 pills a day...or is 5-6 days of total clean going to help as a bit of a buffer to keep me from going into hell tomorrow, the day after, etc?

    What I did was stupid - yes.. I realize..and I think the fact I've felt ILL and actually *not like* the 'euphoria' today/right now will only serve to hopefully make me that much stronger in the days ahead. My question is does anyone know if I'll be reasonably ok tomorrow? Is this moment of weakness in taking one pill the equivalent of detoxing from when I had been for months and years taking 5-10 pills? I hope not.

    I think the ill feeling is in response to me being 'out of the fog' for so long to the point that I was comfortable with *not* being drugged up..and now that I am - and remembering what this feeling did to me for years..it's making me feel ill to my tummy. Advice..help, anyone? Just hoping for a little reassurance, here.
  8. pinkie

    pinkie Well-Known Member

    I would say you have a 95% chance of being okay tomorrow. I've actually never heard of one slip sending someone into full blown withdrawls. It takes a while, so you should be okay.

    Also, after this is all said and done, you know you're going to be facing some really tough stuff. Hard enough for us addicts without transgender issues. I don't know where you live, but do you have good support? Sounds like you do, but just checking. (I proudly live in S.F. where all sorts of people are welcome. I don't know where you live, but you're always welcome here if you find the other world too cruel.)
  9. Rainbow_Roo

    Rainbow_Roo Member

    I'm in southern California, not too far from LA (Towards the coastal side). And yeah.. I know.. Ain't it a <beep>? I think 95% of the reason I was always taking that poison was to escape the reality of what I have to live with. Not a day or night goes by that I don't have trouble/emotional problems because of my TG issues. As far as support goes...well, not really. I *was* seeing a counselor/therapist for awhile - one that would allow me to go on the hormone treatment - but one of my parents - both of which who know..was really freaking out over it..so I stopped. Ah well.
  10. pinkie

    pinkie Well-Known Member

    Sounds like you may need to cultivate some really good support in the L/G/Bi/TG community. I'm positive just have to be groups who deal with both issues (TG and addiction) considering how painful life can be, even when you "fit in". And you're close to L.A., so there must be some people you could contact. You really need good solid support outside your family if they aren't supporting you. This is your life, not theirs, and as sad as it may be for them to have to modify their dreams for their kid, you are entitled to live your life as you feel comfortable. Hopefully, in time, you'll be able to make the choices you need to to get straight, oh, well, err, I guess straight works.;)
  11. Bup4pain

    Bup4pain Well-Known Member


    I have some personal experience as my son has finished his reassignment. He is much happier in life now after his reassignment surgery.

    I was not very happy about it as he did not follow the schedule outlined in the Harry Benjamin Institute "Standards of Care" I was a little miffed at how quickly he was allowed to have surgery.

    Now that's over, and been a year post surgery, his life has settled in. He is married and all is going well. I have accepted his new identity. I still mess up with pronouns, but I think of him as a guy. The person from back then is still there but was never really any different. He was just in the wrong body back then.

    He is a little touchy and very private about it. I think as he gets older he will soften some and be more open about it and be able to speak of pre op times as if it was a different person instead of not talking at all about back then.

    It was harder on his Mom. But now she has come to terms with it. We all sit at the table and can laugh and feel like a family. Really not much has changed except her son now has a body that now matches his personality.

    IT was difficult for some, but that's their problem. The people who know him and care for him are accepting and as long as he is happier, who can complain?

    I wish you the best with this most difficult issue, and hope you can find the support you need. If you are 100% sure than do what you need to do. Just make sure if and when you have SRS it's with the BEST surgeon you can get.

    Educate yourself as much as you can about it. Read Read Read. Talk to people who have gone through the process completely. The more the better.

    There is no going back once you are committed so make sure it's what and who you really are. Don't be doing it for the wrong reasons. Follow the Harry Benjamin's Institutes "Standards of Care" closely as it helps to insure you are doing the right thing.

    This is one thing you have to follow both you heart AND brain on.

    Best of luck... John
  12. Rainbow_Roo

    Rainbow_Roo Member

    Thanks John - I appreciate your support even though it's a topic that touches so close to home. It is a core thing for me - and when my mother was freaking out - I'd even go to the doctors *she* asked me to go to - the ones where she'd go to first and say oh X factor and Y factor is probably making him think he's such and such. And for awhile, my dad thought my addiction to hydrocodone's of all things was making me think I was transgender. Well, I've been off of the stuff (as well as percocet's) for about a week, except for that one goof - and I don't feel any less or differently about who I am..So...

    But yeah..I plan on doing things the 'right' way. I had seen my licensed counselor enough times to start hormone therapy - but I didn't even ask for it when I could have done it. Although I don't want to rush things, part of me fears I won't get this taken care of until way later then I should of (Most of it is because I'm holding back for my parents..which I know, is wrong, but..ah.. I just dunno what to do)

    Anyhoo..thank you for the support guys..
  13. pinkie

    pinkie Well-Known Member

    Wow Bup,
    What a guy! What a Dad!
  14. pam

    pam Member

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