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Addicted and terrifed

Discussion in 'General' started by Everdeanne, Aug 1, 2011.

  1. Everdeanne

    Everdeanne New Member

    I have been addicted to painkillers, primarily lorcet 10/650, and xanax for about 6 years. At this point I am taking anywhere from 10 to 30 lorcets per day and about 5 2mg xanax per day. I feel lost, alone, and scared out of my mind. I am a stay at home mother and housewife. I've been suffering from severe anxiety since my early teens and due to that, I've never been able to truly hold a job. I used to work for an answering service, my mother got me the job when I was 14 and I worked there on and off for 10 years. It was not easy but because I knew all the employees so well and was very good at typing and dealing w/ interaction over the phone I was able to work there. I used to strip but I couldn't do it unless I took at least 1mg of xanax, and that was just to be able to go onstage. I never gave private dances or interacted w/ any customers because of my anxiety and social phobia. Right now I do not work, nor have I for several years. I realize that my addiction to painkillers and xanax is hurting my family financially, my husband makes good money but after bills anything left over I use to feed my addiction. I have told my husband how severe it has become, yet he firmly believes that I am able to take the correct dosage of pain meds and xanax myself. I feel that I have tried but my willpower is nonexistent. If I have ten lorcets right there available to me, I will take all ten within a few hours, then feel horrible that I let myself do that. I do have spinal problems from a car accident that occurred in 2009, also I was robbed and beaten less than a month after the car accident, which exacerbated the gravity of my injuries. Since my accident and subsequent attack I have been unable to drive. Even sitting behind the wheel of the car when it's parked outside our home and no keys are in the ignition triggers terrible panic attacks. My parents want me to come stay with them, over 1600 miles away from my husband and son, to get help, but my mother is a drug addict and so is my brother who lives with them. I cannot even be around my mother for more than a few hours before we start screaming at each other. The environment there is bad for me and I don't consider it an option. I've browsed forums before, but never actually joined one and posted anything. I don't know what to do. When I take boths meds in high doses it allows me to function "normally." I don't even know what that means anymore, really. I have no help keeping house, and if I let housework slide for a few days (almost always because I'm detoxing b/c I went through my rxs and lay in bed waiting for the person I get extra meds from to be able to send someone over to give me the meds) things get so messy and dirty b/c I am the only one in the household who cleans and does any kind of house work. My husband doesn't clean up after himself and my son is 11 years old and although he does have a few light chores like sweeping or cleaning his kitten's litter box, there is no one else to help and things overwhelm me very quickly. I hope I am making some kind of sense, the idea of posting this thread is scaring the hell out of me. There is much more to my story but my hands are freezing up from fear of even taking this small step. I just want someone who understands even an iota of what I'm going through to talk to me, offer advice, ask me any questions, anything. I am so sorry if this thread reads weird and repetitive and incomplete.
  2. sam bailey

    sam bailey Well-Known Member

    Hey Everdeanne,

    First, your post makes perfect sense. No reason to feel anxious about your writing skills. Your story, the kind of dark tale most of us have also lived, is very clear.

    So, no sweat. Keep posting.

    Me? Well, I have been a drug addict for 20+ years. Addicted to opiates. All shapes. All colors. Size did not matter. Please, just hand them over. I will use them, and my life will suffer. As will my family's lives. I had no accident that required me to take pain meds; I simply had the junkie mind. I was a dope-fiend. Good God Almighty, what a lost man I was.


    No longer, thank God. Also, for me, a mighty thanks to NA/AA. It was in those (often) dreary rooms/basements/clubhouses, full of battered aluminum chairs and cheap but oh-so-fortifing coffee, that I I had MY eureka moment, my epiphany. Jesus God, I thought to myself one hot August day, I am delusional! Riding the insane-train, I am! My life is falling apart and I'm still looking for dope, still using drugs! WTF!

    Now, several years later, I am free. No more dope, no more of that active addiction lifestyle that, like you Everdeanne, took me to so, so many shameful places, both geographically and emotionally.

    But you have awakened, Everdeanne. No longer are YOU lost in your own dope-delusion. You are doing exactly what you're supposed to do: you've admitted that you have a way-serious problem, and you're reaching out to folks who've been exactly where you are. They (those folks) will reach back. Honest. Just ask. And you are asking. So, well...good!

    There are several women on this forum you will be able to relate to, who know, often from experience, how your story goes, since it's their tale too...and they will help you. You must listen closely though. Listen closely, then do the right thing, and your life will change. It WILL get better!

    Everdeanne? Despite your social phobia, I believe that you really, really need some in-person, real-life support too, beyond the support one can receive from an on-line forum. There are plenty of support groups in the world, but for my dough-re-mi, AA/NA is the Queen-of-the-Hill. Go to some meetings; talk to other women who, as I noted, have experienced precisely the kinds of suffering and heartpain that you have. And THEY have survived...and prospered. Today these women (and men) are living great-good lives, clean 'n sober lives.

    You can too.

    Anyway. Sorry. Enough of my ramble. It's still way-early on the West Coast. Been up since 4am, but then, that's a good thing. No more dark nights of the soul for me. Just damned early mornings.

    Please stay with us, Everdeanne.


  3. sam bailey

    sam bailey Well-Known Member


    Sorry. I double-posted. See, it IS way-early in LA!

    Last edited: Aug 1, 2011
  4. Bonita

    Bonita Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the forum Everdeanne,

    nice to see you posting Sam,

    Everdeanna, Sam is so right. I am one women that came from a very dark place, I reach out for help just like you are and low and behold I got the help I ask for. I totally get your post. Rings bells of what my life was before I got clean.

    I started out in life as you did with addict parents. I am not blaming them for my addiction but do have to say it played a part in my path in life. I started doping at a very early age.. I knew by the time I hit my 20's I was in trouble. I have been to three rehabs, one forced and two at my own hand. I have been in\out of the rooms, therapy... I tried it all. Until I stopped fighting it I just couldn't stay clean. I had the detox part down to a sience, it was the staying clean that I just could seem to master.

    I am sorry your struggling so but your right. On your own you can not get thru this. You have the first step down in that your powerless over your use. I could never wean myself down.. just didn't have the will power. If I had drugs at hand they went to mouth or arm. It wasn't lack of desire, desire was there it was that I had nada will power. I had to step out of my comfort zone to get the help I needed. Until I was willing to hand over control and give up the fight i was one lost chic.

    I am 54 and have been clean slightly over two yrs now. My life has taken a 180 for sure. I cant say it was easy to get here but I am here now and that is all that matters. I began (again) at age 51 towards my goal of leaving my active addiction behind. It did take some time, patients, diligence, focus and the willingness to listen to others that walked this path before me. I use over35 yrs one opiate or another till they just stop working for me. It got to the point that I use to function, getting high was no longer a option. I get the statement of "feeling normal", end stage addiction that was not even a option. Nothing made me feel normal. I remember the day I just gave up the thought of ever being able to live opiate free. I began taking methadone to help "stableize". Bad decision. Then went the suboxone route, another mistake. Finally I came here to this very site and ask for help and yes I got it.

    I am not suggesting that this site can fix you, it cant but there are many here that was where you are and here now passing on to help others. You will have to do the work, step out of your comfort zone, except the help and most inportant follow thru with the suggestion offered to you.

    You do have somethings going for you... your not on a long action opiate and though you do have a habit that needs to end you have a roof over your head, have food on table, able to pay your bills and not on the street.

    Your hubby is not an addict and wont ever get it... your right on you cant control this.. or you wouldnt be here, you wouldnt be an addict. I agree with Sam in that you do need in person help. I agree that AA\NA could really help you. Nothing like meeting others that understands exactly where we are.. why? Because they have been right there. Who better to talk with, listen too then the one that has walked the path your about to began.

    I do want to bring something to your attention... the drugs your taking has tylonel and at the doses your talking about very toxic levels. I think the first step is to make an appointment with your MD and request a cleaner opiate... one without all the tylonel. He should get it immed and switch you over to a safer pain med. Not sure right now I would tell him your an addict until you decide how your going to tackle this. What he would probably do is refer you to a MD who will put you on SUB and with your present addiction that would be addiing fuel to the fire.
    Please... go to google search engine, put in AA and find a meeting close to you. I dont know where you live so I dont know how NA meetings are in your area.. AA just seems to attract more serious addicts and not so many that are there due to court order. You have already taken a big step by posting here... consider taking step two?
    I know that AA dosnt fit everyones personality but its a start for you now that IS avail immed.

    Read around the forum as you have... read of the successes here. KNOW that you can succeed just like them, me, Sam, Sluggo, Rain, and so many more. It is so possible to have a fulfilling life it just not easy. I think it a hell of a lot easier to continue on the road your on.

    Keep posting... decide what path is best for you, grab it by the balls and just do it.

    Again, Welcome. BIG step in asking for help. Your on your way to recovery.
  5. Catamount

    Catamount Well-Known Member

    Hey Everdeanne...well the 2 posts by Sam and Bonita really gave you some great advice. I do not have the way with words that they do but I am also here to tell you I beat my addiction to pain killers as well. Got on the for a legit reason years ago, back pain, but it turned into more than that over time. I can hear the desire in your words that you want to do this. Take the advice above and reclaim your life...you will be so glad you did.

    Best wishes,

  6. Everdeanne

    Everdeanne New Member

    Thank you Sam, Bonita and Cat. It took me a day to recover from the emotions I was trying to process, I am an expert on self loathing & the positive and encouraging responses truly made me feel as if I found a place of understanding and empathy. Thank you so much. Since my post I have not stopped cold turkey but I have managed to convince my husband to get a small safe & keep my meds in it, and only give them to me as it says on the bottle. I am still very apprehensive about cutting down to to correct dosage, but I know that it time. My worst fear at this point is the detoxing from such a large amount of painkillers daily and having to give up my xanax cold turkey as well. My mother was dosing me with pieces of my grandmother's 10mg Valiums when I was as young as 3 years. I was diagnosed w/ Asberger's Syndrome very early in life & my parents couldn't handle that, so hence my mother self-medicating me until I was old enough (11 years old!!!!) for my pediatrician to put me on 1mg Valiums. In addition to Asperger's I am also diagnosed Bi-polar, Avoidant Personality Disorder, Borderline Schizophrenia, Agoraphobia, General and social anxiety, good lord there's so much more but I get sick to my stomach thinking about all the paperwork that certifies me as a "crazy person." For the people, which are VERY few, that actually know me, the running joke is that I really am crazy, but these people are my family by choice and they are not trying to hurt me, they simply consider my eccentricities a novelty, and will defend me vehemently to anyone outside our little group who actually tries to hurt my feelings. I know I am an addict, but I don't believe it is at all close to the time for me to be ready to stop taking the xanax, I just have to take it at the correct dose.

    On a note that may or may not be related, I feel very much as if I deserved to be attacked so shortly after my near fatal car crash in May of 2009. I was robbed, beaten with a gun (I guess that's being pistol whipped), and sexually assaulted as well. I hate myself because I was in New Orleans (I currently live in Southwest Louisiana) with a friend and we were trying to buy H. The rational part of me knows that I didn't deserve such a brutal experience, but if I hadn't been trying to find drugs it would not have happened...

    I'm still very timid about N/A, I want to try it and I will but as I have mentioned before, my social phobia gets in the way of personal interaction. I'm VERY afraid of rehab because I have been in several mental wards throughout my life, & although they said they had a drug rehab program as well as mental health, myself and the other patients were treated like garbage. The doctors ignored us, as well as the staff, and one therapist told us at group that we had to diagnose ourselves, which to me seem ridiculous. I thought a place like that was supposed to help you, not have you do their work for them. Idk if that made any sense, but all experiences in the mental wards for me were horrid. Also, my mind and body cannot tolerate antidepressants, both S.S.R.I.s, and tricyclic antidepressants cause me to hear voices and hallucinate and have TERRIBLE, VIOLENT NIGHTMARES. I have tried them all and they never helped. The benzos are the only medication that helps with my many psychiatric issues. I'm sorry replying to this tread took me a little bit of time, and I also have much more to say, and believe me, y'all's replies were a wonderful revelation for me: There are those who understand and care, and I am grateful to have put my foot on the path and know that even though I haven't met anyone here physically, I feel as if I found a niche here in this wonderful internet community. My husband is going to take me to an N/A meeting hopefully sometime before this weekend. I want to keep writing, to tell my whole story, to keep thanking those who took the time and heart to reply to me. I hope I learn control and how to be happy and "normal" without popping painkillers like they were sweetarts, and when I feel truly better, I'll not forget this forum was the first place I reached out to, and in my mind, the way I think, those that responded are the first people who reached out with their understanding & that gives me such hope that my future doesn't have to continue as a slave to drugs. I will keep posting and updating, thank you again for caring. For someone who has been discarded as hopeless for most of her life, the responses meant more than y'all know. Goodnight for now.

    Btw, my name is Lauren :)
  7. Everdeanne

    Everdeanne New Member

    Thank you, Sam. I felt like sharing a quote by H.G. Wells that I've always thought defined what I wanted; to come out of this self imposed Hell and look back with relief, not regret...

    "The past is but the beginning of a beginning, and all that is or has been is but the twilight of the dawn." -H.G. Wells
  8. Rainier

    Rainier Well-Known Member


    Hi, and welcome to ODR!!! It is a wonderful and very supportive community, as you've already discovered.

    It sounds as though you have some real challenges, but if you really want to get free of the drugs you can. And life is a hell of a lot better without them; I was addicted to various drugs for a long, long time - most of my life - and can say that without hesitation.

    It does not matter one bit what you were doing; NOBODY deserves to be attacked like that. That you were trying to score dope is completely irrelevant. Have you had any kind of counseling for this? It is normal for victims of assault, especially sexual assault, to blame themselves for the attack, but it is also something that can and should be overcome. It absolutely was not your fault, and you did not deserve it.

    I don't know about learning control or how to be "normal," but learning to be happy is certainly possible. I haven't been clean all that long, but do find that I have days when I am pretty happy, more often than was ever the case when I was using. In fact, I have to say that I did not really start to learn how to be happy until I quit.

    And you do not have to keep being a slave to drugs. NA offers wonderful support, and you will find people there who can really help you a lot. Not necessarily just with the drugs, either - back home, I am in a women's group that addresses all kinds of issues, from dope to childhood trauma to abuse. We've even spent time talking about how to deal with ADD. I realize that social phobia is a hard thing to overcome, but make a serious effort to talk to these people; they genuinely want to help you.

    I love the H.G. Wells quote!

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