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Adventures in Sobrietyland

Discussion in 'Freedom from Hell ~ Staying Clean~' started by Trigger, Nov 16, 2009.

  1. Trigger

    Trigger Well-Known Member

    it means so much to read these replies. i can't get on odr at work, so i end up missing you all. and last night i really wanted to write, but could barely put two thoughts together when i got home.

    i should quote g's entire post. all of those things have been happening to me, and it's important for people to understand how things improve as they start getting free. i would have shrugged off all that not too long ago.

    i have had a stark contrast in working sober/working high. basically, being high and attempting graphic design is sooooo much more enjoyable. makes the day go faster. makes me oblivious to outside pressure. but really, to say that i'm more together, focused and efficient is a cosmic joke.

    last week i was pill free and starting an assignment. getting up and in on time was horrendously hard, but otherwise i performed much better. i had perspective on what i was doing. i let things develop over the course of a week and would still come up with ideas... but i was able to let go of them when i received feedback or discovered something more appropriate for my client and not just my personal taste. i walked away from the work and took breaks, which often help immensely. on amphetamines one tends to be blind to this, and i can sit at my computer for 12 hours straight, no blinking, thinking that if i just keep attacking the problem i will come across something brilliant. well, two design school cliches come to mind-- there are a million answers, not just the single blurry image buried in the back of your brain. also, my favorite, and one i have an extremely hard time with-- "kill your babies." that one means love, obsession and attachment will keep you from doing your job well.

    last week i was able to understand why i reverted into a bit of the junkie artist poet we refer to. why i insulated myself so much. i realized how much social pressure there is in certain design environments, especially during the recession. i returned to the job i worked earlier in the year, and it was a delicate situation. it meant that someone else was being taken off a project due to poor performance. lots of things. i was walled into my cubicle with a floor to ceiling marker board outlining all these objective i had to meet. a physical barrier from the rest of the team. man, i really have compassion for my rebellious drugged out self. things get difficult, and what else can one do?

    my project was about organization and simplifying, and the sober brain does that part soooo much better. it was also about asking people for direction and clarification when needed. design is always collaborative and should never be attempted in isolation. people said the right things at the right time, and also... my ideas or are definitely not from me alone. being connected and... i really know for certain that everything is out of my control. that something larger is guiding me. that everything that happens is meant to happen. my specific talent was given to me for a reason that effects the world at large.

    so much to say, but i am running late. but G-- i wouldn't thing of the arts as so ineffectual and self serving. lately there has been something strange in the ether. people are shaking off the recession and realizing that things like corporations, countries and banks only give an illusion of security. they are redefining what is important to them, and many people inside of corporations that would never even meet with me last year, seem to be receptive to an odd portfolio, artistic integrity, passion, a search for identity and uniqueness inside marketing work. Arcade Fire won album of the year, and the fact that Black Swan was embraced by a mass audience is remarkable.

    in the design profession, even the famous designers went without work and were uncertain, yet the result is starting to be that graphic designers are seeking out more socially important work. prioritizing projects that will help society and make our lives better. even the best design school ever-- the Bauhaus-- was founded after a tragic war where most of the members lost all of their wealth and most of their friends and family members had died in the struggle. and their answer was to take risks and band together to do something idealistic and different. and they would eventually be shut down by hitler, but have a profound effect on history.

    even the actions of one person can make a difference.

    i really have to run, but i want to be honest and say that i went back to my doctor on monday. various excuses, of course.

    much love
  2. Mr. Guitar

    Mr. Guitar Well-Known Member

    Back on the speed, but hopefully off the dopiates..... something like that?
  3. Living Free

    Living Free Well-Known Member

    Trigs, um, ya...what's going on?
  4. Trigger

    Trigger Well-Known Member

  5. Trigger

    Trigger Well-Known Member

    it's easy to be compassionate, optimistic, goal-orientated and sober-ish when things are going great. wow, but watch out when the wind blows the other way, and it ALWAYS will eventually. really, it's a cosmic joke.

    i've been needing to get out of my head, stop isolating... stop going over all these thoughts and emotions alone because i'm not getting anywhere and i'm just growing sadder and lonelier. i wish i could just start dating again, partying, hanging out with friends carelessly. it just looks like i don't know how to do that anymore, but i have been grateful for the couple of afternoons where people forced me to play video games and forget about everything. every time i'm right on the edge, i'm given just enough to get by, and the world is good enough... just good enough about giving people precisely what they need and only that.

    i try to be optimistic, because ever since i gave up the needle, sub, pot, alcohol... everything except ADHD meds... life has been so rich with new shapes, academic and professional discovery. i quit dope around thanksgiving, and since then i feel as if i've crammed a masters degree in modernism into roughly 9 months. modernist art applied to fashion advertising in the twenty-first century, to be precise. conclusion: it's ineffectual, can i have my social life back, please? the social life i had as a non-sober person, but with the sobriety, of course. that takes work?? nevermind, i'll just sit at my computer alone, quietly obsessing about abstract shapes and fashion advertising...

    i'm sorry... there's just so much to explain, but i guess i need to explain it. was just out driving my car and *yet again* circular regrets about the past led to breakdown of emotions. it's like, i cannot let some things go and i don't understand why that is. sheesh, i used to think it was so dumb when people told me that quitting drugs is the easy part... well, cosmic joke: yes, it is. the hard stuff is all the behavior behind the drugs, the personality traits you can't quite amputate, and you're not sure if you really should anyway.

    to explain: i was fired from this freelance job on april 1st. it's the job i've been trying to describe in prior posts... the one that yanked me out of a seriously negative tailspin of shooting dope and AA failure... and basically not believing in anything, really. well, i was trying to believe... and then it was like i had proof that everything and every soul was connected somewhere, and all i had to do was lay back and trust the current... i was ok, to be challenged felt great, i felt a sense of belonging... i swear, i felt like i was home. it wasn't just the job, it was my profession, the way i could be useful and "of service" to the world.

    funny, we're talking about enlarged hearts on dani's thread... i've been teasing myself for being the "queen of hearts." i mean, i've always worn my heart on my sleeve, but this year i started out with an absolute heart of gold. at work i felt so compassionate. such empathy for all my co-workers, i could swear i was reading their thoughts. part of this was me being (mostly) "present" for people at work, for the first time in a long, long time. last year i was always in the bathroom shooting up and prior to that... blah. i remembered that long ago an art director said that he liked working with me because i was always intuitive... some of that came back. my boss... the chick that fired me... my hero of sorts. if i'm the queen of hearts, she's the ace of spades. ha ha ha... idk.

    i used to take these long backpacking trips in 3rd world countries-- 3-6 months of immersion. now i live 3000 miles away from family, and los angeles may as well be a distant banana republic. well, it's funny that everywhere i go, i'll sometimes meet a person that's EXACTLY like a dear friend or loved one from back home... except, they're a different person, of course. it's as if there are only so many templates for people, so eventually you'll meet duplicates, if you travel enough. sounds horrible, but it's actually reassuring to a lonely traveller. i'm always asking people if they've ever met a second "me" anywhere in the world. heh heh... well, it finally happened, i met someone else with the "trigger" template. it's reassuring and wonderful and so ******* horrifying and awful. and of course, the other me is the ace of spades, this boss that ******* fired me.

    i know, i know, you think i'm projecting emotions onto a normal work situation. i wish... the private exchanges between me and this boss just got to be so raw. first off, a creative collaboration may as well be a relationship if things are honest and happening. it's rough. this is sounding kind of gay, so i'm not giving any details. but there was this intuitive vibe... us just reading each other's minds at points. but of course, the rest of the team began to resent my presence, most of the public interactions between me and this boss were heated arguments, etc.

    to bring this back to recovery, i was reading dani's thread and thinking about myself, and i wonder-- are a lot of us addicts just bruised idealists? i know i am. we've talked about holden caulfield and "catcher in the rye," and he was certainly an idealist.


    it's funny, i wore a white hunting cap around all the time, after i kicked dope. people would smile at me when i wore it... they hadn't smiled at me for sooo long, it was weird. i wore it around at work everyday, and i'm sure that someone wanted to kick my *** because of it. i couldn't help it, though. that hat was so fluffy and white that it insulated me from everything. even when i left it in my car, i would run down to get it before i could get anything done on the job. i love that hat, but it's for winter and now i can't wear it that much.

    the day i got fired i wasn't wearing it, too hot. life is ridiculous, and on my last day at work i was corralled into this huge company wide pep rally/powerpoint presentation/pancake breakfast that was intended to promote office spirit. at that point i had been up all night on speed pills, trying to finish my website because i sensed the firing. i had about 5 pills for breakfast, so i certainly didn't eat any pancakes. but oddly enough, i felt a lot of company spirit. i took notes, and was amazed to finally hear the CEO give a speech. it was the typical horatio alger story about how he built the company up from nothing and how scrappy and intense he was. in fact, the entire company was based on intensity and conflict. how funny-- just the sort of place where i'd fit in. the CEO dared people to give suggestions afterwards. he cared very little about emotions, he wanted us to tell him how he could save/make money.

    this is where the "idealist" part of me started objecting. people are always giving big speeches about how they are this and that, when very little of it is actually true. maybe it was the insomnia, but that kind of crap always kicks me into action. i mean, i had worked for this company for two months and they were certainly NOT about saving money. they were into spending ludicrous amounts of money on mediocre advertising just so they can feel good about themselves. the sheer waste amazed me.

    so yea, i waited for the auditorium to clear out after the pep rally. i thought i would have to wait in line to talk to the CEO, but everyone cleared the hell out of there pretty quickly. in heels, i towered over this guy and i almost lost my nerve... but i was like, "i have an idea that will save you well over six figures!!" and i spit out my idea. well, i was very quickly dismissed and the whole situation was kind of hard to read. afterwards, i knew the hammer was coming down and i had done all i could to "help" this company.

    the rest of the afternoon my boss looked totally sad and kept shooting me these dirty looks. i was sitting in this incredibly TENSE design room and i just realized all of a sudden that i didn't want to be there. i took a long lunch and thought about all the obsession and attachment. i knew i had to be willing to walk away... and i decided that it wasn't a horrible idea, and that maybe i could quit, just not right then. i felt compassion for my boss, because i had figured out that she was probably well over her assigned budget. i drew this hilarious cartoon of her holding i pistol to my head. her character was an evil looking company logo, and my character had raised arms and a holden caufield hat. my thought bubble said-- "you can't fire me, i quit."

    i handed her this cartoon while she was on the phone and she cracked up laughing. her laughter took me by surprise and i busted up laughing too. it was a really sweet moment and when it was over, i just shrugged. she said, "don't make me do this right now... call me." grrrrr... i just walked out of there knowing it was over. my agency called me on monday and officially fired me, ha.

    later, i talked to the boss lady on the phone and she promised to hire me back in two weeks. because we're made from the same template, she knew exactly what to say. unfortunately, she broke her promise and i haven't heard from her in over a month. i'm pretty heartbroken and unable to get over it.


    this post= way too long, i just don't know how to explain things. i've currently been on amphetamines 50% of the time. my adderrall script was cut down by a third about a month ago, but i'm thinking about asking for it to go up again. i blow through that script in a week, about 150-200 mgs a day, sleeping every other night with some sort of downer to assist. there have been a handful of other indiscretions this month. no needles... unfortunately, the library is located right next to vicodin alley. 80% of the time, i can walk right past that place, it's just been a rotten month.

    i have a doctor's appointment tomorrow. i always feel so guilty and tempted to post the night before.

    no editing -- but thanks so much for reading a rambling, diary-like post.
  6. gettingbetter

    gettingbetter Well-Known Member

    "This is my people-shooting hat." - Holden Caulfield

    Trigs, I have focused long and laboriously on the problems in my posts so far; I have not gotten to the solution-based aspects yet that have been transforming my life in the past three weeks. I will get there for you because we do have some serious parallels. I just want you to know that - I just understand so well where you're at - still there at moments - I keep trying to move forward and forgive myself the human defects we all live with. You do the same, okay?

    Trigs you helped me so much this week. You have no idea. I really don't think you have any idea. You have so much value. You're so incredibly talented. I just wish you could see what I see when I look at you because everything you have is everything you need, and I love you girl.

    I just talked to my teammates not 20 minutes ago and told them I know this incredibly talented graphic designer from LA who could co-teach some kind of poetry/design unit with me. They were down with you coming in, if you want to. Come on up. We'll take a couple days and design a unit together that melds poetry and art. It would be creative and fun and you can have all the say you want. This room is my canvas and as long as I love and teach the kids something I can take with them it's all good. Come on up. We will carpe diem and make our lives extraordinary. I am doing my fifth soon and I will tell you all about it; we could go up to Plymouth for a night and hang and you could meet everyone. Think about it: the offer is there: there's so much potential.

    take care love
  7. Living Free

    Living Free Well-Known Member

    Trigger, I think Dani is extending a very generous gift to you and I trust she's thought it through how it would affect her path, her motive to have you present with her, etc. Personally, I think you are more than capable of doing this. However, I think for everyones benefit/sake affected you should be sober when doing this or you'll be blocked from reaching your fullest potential and/or giving your complete gift to others.

    Please dont go up in the ADHD meds, ask for help getting off them. Youre hanging on to the pills as a crutch, and I dont want to see you continue to harm yourself.

    Ive tried to contact you numerous times. Glad you posted. Hope to hear from you soon. I love you tons and pray one day you will love you too, the way we do.....that 6th sense you have, that can be nurtured when not blocked. Its a huge gift, not many have it. xo
    Last edited: May 10, 2011
  8. Torushima

    Torushima Well-Known Member

    I just want to say that I enjoy reading your posts and would like to see more of your graphic design portfolio.

    I won't attempt to offer any advice -- primarily because a.) I don't have any and b.) you seem like a very creative, opinionated person (like me), so I'm guessing that it wouldn't fly anyway.
  9. gettingbetter

    gettingbetter Well-Known Member

    also you need to come teach me how to play this f'ing guitar. i don't want to pay for lessons and i'm tired of just posing with it and squinting at chord positions in this book.

    ps - you think your posts are long? have you read mine lately? the one i'm working on now is 8 FING PAGES in Word my friend. people either will read it or they won't but at this point i write it for you guys now. honestly ODR (wow, i just realized typing this that it's true) - honestly, ODR is family to me. i really mean that. like true family.

    also trigs - in a world where a former stockbroker and a former supermodel ended up being my spiritual mentors, anything can happen. please remember that.

    pps - Liny/Trigs: my motive is solely to steal your ADD meds, dissolve them into water, and give them to select children with a smile and a nod. :)
    Last edited: May 10, 2011
  10. Living Free

    Living Free Well-Known Member

    Funny Dani......I assure you drugs didnt even come into my mind.

    Hoping to hear from you again Trigger....here if you would like to chat.
  11. Trigger

    Trigger Well-Known Member

    hey guys. it really makes me happy to feel this genuine support. i've missed you guys, and i'm not sure why i've been turning my phone off for days, and not being able to chat with people much. even my own family... lets just they've been so much more worried about me this year, compared to last. mainly because i've been disappearing a lot.

    i heard about another addict's death, possible suicide. my mother's friend's kid... my mom is an orphan and raised me to be independent, so having her call me all of a sudden to tell me this, was really big for her. she has been worried about me killing myself... i can't really explain things. well, i had heard about her friend's son who had been in and out of AA and had just graduated from law school. he couldn't find a job anywhere, had just lost unemployment benefits, and his father had cut him off financially. i just think about how lonely he must have felt at the end, and it's such a needless death. what makes me any different? i lost unemployment one week before getting what turned out to be a dream assignment, and it changed everything for me.

    jinger-- ha! any advice is appreciated. i think i broke down and posted because i wanted some sort of help. i need to get a photo account before i can post anything that's actually mine, and in public i'll probably have to stick to non-professional stuff... that said, it's pretty hilarious. around xmas, post dope and post AA, i just locked myself in and made these weird collages. i forgot most of it and finished none of it, but the fragments are hilarious. i think i was heavily influenced by my friendships here, and there's definitely a suboxone vibe. when i first went on that stuff, i was so pissed off you guys didn't tell me that they're hexagons with double-edged swords on them!! that was so fascinating to me. lots of detailed hexagons with swords, which turned into switchblades, which eventually turned into hitler youth pocket knifes... which then turned into forks. my logo became crossed forks, because at a table loaded with delicious food, i refuse to eat. too much-- i can't start talking about this now because it gets really spiritual/heavy. and yea, jinger, i'd love to see some of yer work, definitely.

    liny-- i woke up today, thinking i should call you, i've been meaning to. it just sucks when i don't have good news to report. and i didn't up my script yesterday.

    dani-- so much to say! so much... first of all, i watched that donner party doc the day you posted it on my thread. it was awesome! but i totally disagree with it's view, i think keseburg murdered mrs. donner. i read a detailed and conflicting account about it here in california. your doc is also sexist. a strange thing that happened with the donner party, is that many more women survived than men. one thing is sure, a woman that must stay alive to feed children is apt to fight harder than a young man with nothing holding him to the world. but single women also survived in more numbers. male historians say this is because the men were doing most of the labor, so they became exhausted quicker. BS. when the party got stuck in the salt flats, the women had to carry their children across, that alone is exhausting.

    also, is Alexis de Tocqueville's "Democracy in America" worth reading?

    and yes, i would love to come out and visit your class. they never let me around children, and i think i could say something of use. i'm a single, broke, 35 year-old-woman, living with youngsters in a far off banana republic, just so i can focus on art and my fashion career. the only people that won't think i'm insane, is a child in junior high. i am the person i dreamed about being, when i was a 14 year old goth kid with a freshly shaved head.

    but seriously, poetry has been on my mind. i spent a large amount of time thinking it was ridiculous emo fluff. i'm a commercial artist, after all. but lately, i've been thinking it might be the most important thing. and as the french say, the only true act of rebellion. when i was in school, i would just zone out in class and secretly read poems with the book hidden under my desk. i was shocked at how honest it seemed, compared to everything else i was forced to study. one of the lines i remember is Langston Hughes-- "i've known rivers older than the world. older than the flow of human blood through human veins." eerie heroin connection.

    later in college, i discovered Rimbaud and nothing else mattered. i saw Jim Carroll read his poems, and i think he pales in comparison. too bad it's tough to find a good translation, and so many people have ripped him off, the stuff loses it's power. lately i've been fascinated by a poet named Renee Vivien, a symbolist from Rimbaud's era. no translations exist, grrrrr... but she was an idealist that drank herself to death at 32.

    so much to say, but i gotta go. one more thing about poetry-- remember how Stalin gathered up 1000 poets and artists in one night and slaughtered them? i was always horrified by that, but now i find myself wishing that i lived in an era that considered poems so powerful, that you could be killed for composing them. my investigation of modernism bottomed out when i realized that the difference between art now and art a hundred years ago, is that back then artists really thought they could transform politics and reality with their work. they failed. no painting ever saved the life of a concentration camp jew or a cambodian child. no one has such notions about art these days.

    oh yea, about children-- i noticed long ago that one of yer things is that you're always out to help/save the child. me too. i am always fretting about some mythical 6 year old girl in the midwest that is growing up depressed because everything is pink, and she is forced to wear t-shirts with dumb slogans and rhinestones all over them. it's funny... when i was at that fashion tradeshow down in vegas, i was marching around like a d-ick headed big shot. i was dressed rebelliously, heels, etc. most of the time i wore my shades indoors and only ripped them off when i was looking at a client that i deemed important. posturing, of course, i was just sort of nervous and for some reason, that makes me act like a jerk. well, i got a ton of compliments and everyone assumed i was a VIP until i told them i'm a graphic designer, then they treated me like dirt, ha.

    anyways, the ONLY person that called me out on my ridiculous BS was a teenage girl, working the door. she took one look at my oversized aviators and said sarcastically-- "oh wow, we have a movie star in our midst, everyone bow down and get out of the way..."

    that cracked me up. kids really know what's up. it's the jaded, sleeping adults we should worry about.

    and i do plan to visit...
    Last edited: May 12, 2011
  12. Living Free

    Living Free Well-Known Member

    Right there Triggs, that's good news! :) Ill be home after 9pm EST if you want to speak. hope 2 ttys
  13. gettingbetter

    gettingbetter Well-Known Member

    you should very much worry about those pink rhinestone girls in the midwest, and new england for that matter. come look at a full classroom of pink ladies and the awkward fringe girls trying to make do on the outskirts at some point. those are the things that MATTER. but the pink rhinestone girls have just as much to say. i respect pink rhinestones. it took me a couple years teaching before i realized that while teenagers are terribly easy to categorize, it is the worst danger there is. every single day they surprise me. every single day.

    other things that matter: today we took state tests, which i hate. i do not think that language/reading acquisition can be handily measured in a multiple choice format, but that's neither here nor there. what matters is that we have to do it and i have to make it into something palatable and non-threatening for them. most of my kids are in the 95-99th percentile nationwide for reading/writing. still, if they do not meet a projected target growth, we as a school do not make adequate yearly progress. my fundamental issue with this is that if one is already in the top five percent, how much more is there to grow that can be measured by a standardized test? so i've got all these kids in the 99th percentile freaking out that they won't make AYP - and these kids care about it, believe me - and i have to keep telling them that the system is flawed when it comes to them, that there isn't much further they can go, and this is one really stupid feature of formalized assessment and they/we are just victims of it. isn't that stupid? we all look bad because we can't make a perfect 100 percentile, it's just not possible?

    so anyway. what's really important. is that by 1:30 i was so over these tests. and aaron and joey were doing origami because they had finished already. and i was walking by and they said "hey ms. s look at this". and i picked up two birds they had made. "nice," i said. "what is this? a terydactyl?" and aaron said "no, it's a crane" and the three of us met eyes and i said "BUT OF COURSE" in a big staged whisper and we all laughed like hell.

    another thing that's really important is that alex told the funniest story i ever heard the other day. he told me how he was getting a jalapeno out of the fridge and it fell on the floor and a tiny drop of juice bounced up off the floor and hit him EXACTLY in the middle of his right eye. and it burned like a bastard. and it was really late and he wasn't supposed to be at the fridge. and he yelled "MY EYE MY EYE" and his parents came down and started yelling at him and he tried to explain what happened and they didn't listen, they were PO'd. it was honestly the funniest story i had ever heard - maybe you had to be there and hear how he told it, this kid's a pip if there ever was one - but man, those are the things that make it for me.

    we had a bunch of parents come in for a big open house/project sort of deal in the middle of the day Tuesday. and these two lawyer parents of one of my students came up and we started exchanging pleasantries. i was holding an orange and yellow slinky and pushing it from one hand to the other the whole time i was talking to them and i didn't even realize it. anyway, father lawyer says 'is it always like this? this environment?' and i looked around and realized just how far from the real world i am most of the time. there were children being gawky and yee-hawing and being silly everywhere. so i said 'what exactly do you mean?' and he said 'they have no concept of personal space! they ... RUN IN to each other and to me all the time!' and he shook his head. i said, 'yeah, you get used to that. you have to remember they don't drive yet, so they don't get the hallway thing. they just run where they need to go and that's that. i've come to appreciate the passion.' (my school is not big on lining up for anything).

    he just looked at me like i was nuts and said 'i don't know how you do this all day.' but honestly, where else could i play with a slinky and paint in the hallway all day if i felt like it, and make dumb jokes with teenagers?

    i just think you'd dig the environment. as an adult it's a whole different perspective. and i have learned that not all the world is BS posturing.

    Tocqueville: didn't read it. love that you noticed the quote too, though. hooked me immediately.

    interesting that you say sexist: i didn't notice that at all but Tom watched it too and said something about the male/female survival rate as well. didn't say anything bout sexism tho. thoughts?

    all news is good news and your post cracked me up. loved it. much love, talk soon. -dani
    (wait till you hear about this drive i'm doing at school. part of the series/the awakening. i think you will dig. later.)
  14. Trigger

    Trigger Well-Known Member

    ^oh man, i love it. at first this entire post gave me wicked flashbacks about school. i was mostly surrounded by gifted students that busted their asses to earn those grades. it really is a carrot on a stick, though. basically school seemed to be about spitting back the textbooks. those are the people that do well, anyway. sure, it seems to be about brains, and an individual grasp on the material. but that is somewhat of an illusion, and many bright kids seem to get left out. the results of this can haunt a person.

    and i know you're really progressive, and my high school history teacher was basically the one that turned all my negativity around. really, the only way i got through school is that many teachers recognized my natural curiosity and passion, and they just pushed me through. i've been haunted by a lot of this stuff lately. my friend's little girl is 8, and she was just diagnosed with the same thing i supposedly have ADHD, without the "H." that killed me. i've been trying not to believe in that stuff anymore, and threw out all my books about it.

    i've been watching this little girl since she was an infant, and i've always related to her. she's very willful about things, some of her tantrums have resulted in six adults wrestling her down, haha. she is extremely bright, and will "hyper focus" (aka "obsess) about her personal projects like these insanely detailed chalk drawings, ruled by an evil witch that lives in the clouds. you will have to call her name 12 times to even get her to look at you during these moments. her teachers love her, but they say she's just never paying attention and just not on the same level as the other kids. god, it kills me. for all her willfulness, this kid has such a big heart. she once bit a kid in preschool, and became so guilty about it when confronted, she ran to her room and wouldn't come out.

    i begged her dad not to ever let her think she's stupid, to try and teach her the good parts about escapism. to tell her that she belongs within the system as well, because the system works best when it is questioned and rebelled against. she does not have to isolate, we all belong. i worry and feel horrible about this, but her dad is the best-- he gave me my first real job in my profession. i was an unpaid intern, and he was like-- "this kid is brilliant, we have to start paying her." otherwise, i would still be paid nothing and just freely be a graphic designer because i love it. i am so ******* stupid.

    i am just going to be openly contrary and say that if a kid is sitting there worried about about a mythical percentage and his future at Yale then groovy, he will be very rich, successful and surprised that he finds his life lacking. most likely he will die with the same unknowable emptiness that us addicts feel. if he ever has an epiphany, it will be much later in life. he will realize that this country--and reality as we know it-- does NOT have to be this way, or any specific way at all. ultimately, our lives are not bound by anything, and absolutely anything is possible. so sucking up to a system that tells you life is this very narrow road to success, yea, good luck with that, kid.

    i mention de Tocqueville, because i was fascinated with the american dream, and whatever else was in that chapter of my high school history book. i was told that the definition of the dream was owning your own business, and basically all that democracy vs. aristocracy stuff. oddly enough, my teacher would only define socialism in the vaguest of terms... tangent.

    but i read some european criticism of the "meritocracy" and it had some great points. deTocqueville praised this country, but also predicted that a society built around "majority rules" will eventually result in a lack of diversity. because of the enforced acceptance of mutual opinion, the motivations of the individual will be be neglected and society will be full of fat people unmotivated to question it. you have to admit, the academic system stresses that this country was founded by rebels, but in this day and age everything equals "X" and this is just how things are. with the diversity of countries in europe, i hear that the universities are full of people with differing opinions, and the curriculum is built around this clash.

    to be bring this back to recovery-- NO WONDER WE ARE ALL DRUG ADDICTS.

    i've had a few sober stretches at work and the overwhelming thought is-- no wonder i went home and drank every night, this world is incredibly tense... and it can just crush a person. unfortunately, now i know that "opting out" by just being stoned in a corner cubicle, is just not possible. there is no real escape and i wish drugs worked the way they are supposed to. the only thing that keeps me from scoring is the negative certainty that they don't work anyway. MAYBE the only thing that works is humor and compassion, because this world is completely absurd. no wonder i shoplift and put "hello my name is oprah" stickers up in office cubicles. i mean, why would i hang up a picture of my cat, when i know i'm gonna be out of there soon enough? it's just gonna be pictures of sexy famous dudes and my employee number scribbled again and again on my cubicle walls from here on out.

    dani-- i'll call, so much to say. i'm getting evicted so things are changing pretty fast. it's all too much to type out.
  15. Torushima

    Torushima Well-Known Member

    Hitler Youth pocket knife art sounds intriguing—they remind me of a documentary I watched last night on Motörhead’s Lemmy—his entire flat on Sunset is stuffed with Nazi paraphernalia.

    Does the food make you feel “spiritual/heavy,” or your art?

    I met a girl last night who was crash dieting to lose weight. I told that she should either eat many low-calorie meals throughout the day or try speed to get slim: she didn't respond favorably to either one. I guess she was expecting me to say, "No, you don't need to lose any weight—you're perfect just the way you are."

    Creative and highly-intelligent people interpret the world differently—we feel more, I think, and tend to favor socially-unacceptable escape routes as opposed to acceptable vehicles like buying worthless s**t and beating our kids.

    What do you shoplift? I had a good run in high school stealing rock and roll records. And clothes. And booze from corner shops. And...

    You know, you can lift almost anything at Wal-Mart because the cameras are intended to monitor the employees—not the customer.

    I also put up stickers around town—esoteric ones based on a egotistical dude in this city's music scene. It’s a caricature of him with an empty thought bubble floating above—to be filled in based on the creator’s current attitude. We put up about ten-thousand of them last year at a festival and he was pissed.
  16. Rainier

    Rainier Well-Known Member

    Putting up stickers around town is always fun... there was a brief period when I worked as a graphic designer for the US Dept. of Justice; I swiped a bunch of stickers that had the logo on 'em and hung them up in the DC metro system with things written on them like "RESIST...DEFY...SUBVERT."

    I obviously fit in real well there.
  17. Trigger

    Trigger Well-Known Member

    ^^ Rainier... DC? wow, that's the city where i came of age. and yes, an excellent city to put stickers/wheat paste flyers everywhere. i designed this great flyer exalting Andrew Jackson for all of his humanitarian work with the native americans. it was when the new 20 dollar bills came out, and i thought he looked a lot like keith richards in his picture. rock star president.

    i used to be so eager to leave DC, because i obviously didn't fit in well, either. i escaped government jobs (one of my pot-smoking friends was a designer for the American Petroleum Institute!) and i miraculously worked and found friends amongst the close knit, artistic underground. but hard core punk rock seemed like another form of BS to me. we all seemed to be defining ourselves by what we were opposing.

    but when I moved to LA nothing could prepare me for the shock of EVERYONE being an artist. "selling out" just does not exist in the vocabulary. it took me a while to come to terms, and i nearly turned down my first fashion job offer because it was corporate, sweat shops, etc.

    i remember when the US invaded iraq, i walked around DC in desert military camo, covered in fake blood. a "bring the war home" effort. *DELETE* ok, i almost started a rant about witnessing 9/11 there, and the confusion and then the dread about violence begetting violence... and being persian and having to walk through airport security (or drive through texas) with a mohawk, looking drug addled....i will leave this alone.

    JINGER-- re: crossed forks. haha, it's the spiritual/art stuff that's heavy.

    however, i accidentally became anorexic when i quit dope to focus on adhd pills. well... i think quitting drinking, and heroin abuse contributed to how thin i am. and certainly, the fashion industry played a minor role.

    i don't own a scale and never really cared about my weight, it was always somewhat average. but no one will ever tell you the truth here, and when i was around family over the holidays, it was evident how thin i was.

    for the past few months i've had no perspective on it. i actually thought i had gained weight. then i got my haircut on sunday, and my hairdresser hadn't seen me in 2/3 months. it was only the 2nd time she had cut my hair, but she's a nurturing, intuitive woman. she asked me gentle questions about the stress, and right before i left, she became really serious and told me not to lose anymore weight, that i was a stick, that the difference was dramatic... i was shocked. i haven't been physically well, at all... and that's an understatement. but i'm going to cop out on the details, because things are changing.

    i'm going to address your other questions later, because i need to explain the spiritual/art stuff. i understand why most people are tight lipped about spirituality now.

    thanks for posting guys.
  18. Trigger

    Trigger Well-Known Member

    i was raised up believing i was somehow unique
    like a snowflake distinct among snowflakes
    unique in each way you can see

    and now after some thinking i'd say i'd rather be
    a functioning cog in some great machinery
    serving something beyond me

    but i don't
    i don't
    know what that will be
    i'll get back to you someday
    you will see

    what's my name, what's my station
    oh just tell me what to do
    i don't need to be kind to the unease of mind
    that would do such injustice to you

    or bow down and be grateful
    and say "sure take all that you see"
    to the men who move on
    in dimly lit halls
    and determine my future for me

    -Fleet Foxes, Helplessness Blues


    if i had an orchard, i'd work 'til i'm sore...
    Last edited: May 25, 2011
  19. Living Free

    Living Free Well-Known Member

    Triggs - how are you?? Im missing your posts and whats been going on. write soon k?
  20. Trigger

    Trigger Well-Known Member

    i *will not* do drugs today i *will not* do drugs today i *will not* do drugs today i *will not* do drugs today i *will not* do drugs today

    i've been able to go long stretches without using, but some days it's just so hard not to score. took me so long to get to this point, where i'm able to feel a little freedom from hell. sucks that it can all get toppled within the space of a day. today i'm biting my knuckles. i've spent the past few months rebuilding everything that i've lost, and if i'm patient, wait out the dull times and steadily earn a paycheck, i will be able to do whatever I want.

    i hope that this post has the power to keep me from using. it will, it will. not a lot of time to write today...

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