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Don't Let Your Shame Kill You

Discussion in 'Heroin ~ Addiction and Recovery' started by spring, Feb 22, 2004.

  1. ruby

    ruby Well-Known Member

    RE: Relapse ~it's my turn to tell about it

    WOW....Thanks so much for everything. You are all so kind to make me feel like a normal person instead of the failure I have thought myself to be. This recovery stuff sure humbles you. I thought it would be a lot easier than this, but I was so, so wrong. I was so worked up and excited when I made the decision to quit last month, but I only made it two weeks before I gave in to the cravings. The ony positive side of that is that two weeks is waaaayyyy longer than any other "break" I have tried to take. I think the problem with the first time was that I did not know what to expect in terms of depression and fatigue. This time I am ready for it, so I hope to take measures to soften the blow when it hits me. I am coming to terms (again) with being clean and living that way. Hopefully this time it sticks. It is a process for sure. But anything that takes awhile to master usually sticks in the long run. Thanks again everyone for all that you have said. It really helps. [:X]

    Ruby

    "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle" ~Plato
     
  2. ashley80

    ashley80 Well-Known Member

    Re: Relapse ~it's my turn to tell about it

    (((Ruby))), it is so great to hear from you again!
    I hope everyone's posts let you know how much you have been missed. Isn't it great how no one judges here? I think we all know just how hard it is. And it is hard. You have got SO much insight, that I just know that you will be able to get where you need to be for you.
    I'm going to through a bit of a dip in the road myself, so I can totally relate to where you have been and are going.
    I have been on a lot of web sites in the past few years, some good, like this one, and some bad [}:)]. I have to say I have met the best, most caring and supportive people here. Not sure where I'm going with this, except to say that I am so glad you are back and that you have realized that the depression and fatigue are a major barrier. (Ha! that's an understatement if there ever was one!) But it has been done, and we have to have faith that we can do it, too.
    Ashley
     
  3. Frooty

    Frooty Member

    Spring,

    I'm just posting to say that your initial post in this thread has inspired me to call my doctor's office to tell them to put in my chart NEVER to prescribe opiates/Ultram to me ever again and WHY.

    15 days clean today and being very honest with myself and everyone else this time. Thanks so much!

    Love,
    Krista
     
  4. blacker22

    blacker22 Member

    I've been living back at my parents for a year now and i'm doing good thats not to say that i haven't relapsed. But i've i'd just like to say how much of a help this forum has been its good to be able to talk to people in the same position as me without them asking me if i've got any money or if i'd like to score i think this is the safest way 4 me to be in touch with people in the same boat as me Thank you. Its is helping me alot
     
  5. pinkie

    pinkie Well-Known Member

    Hey Rich,
    If you're good at relapsing, then it follows that you are also good at starting over again. So far, no matter how many times you fall down, you've always tried again. Really, that's the most we can hope for. And each time we try, if we pay attention, we can see the mistakes we've made and hopefully get one step closer to a more permanent solution.

    I realize that you are victim of your public health system, but from what I can tell, the one thing you're really lacking is SUPPORT. That means an actual, living, breathing person who can come help you when you feel weak or so depressed that you think there's no end in sight.

    I can't think of a better thing than to have "lost" your girl to rehab. It seems like you've been so conflicted about her for so long, that it can only be a good thing for you to have an extended time apart. I'm no mind reader, but I think it's because she's beautiful, and because she has money for drugs that you stay with her. I've never heard you say a thing about her fullfilling any other need for you. Maybe I've missed something, but if I'm right, look hard at what you are getting, and question hard what you need.

    So, hopefully, she'll stay in rehab and it will give you some time to work on yourself, without the temptation of a gorgeous woman with pockets full of drugs. (Can you think of a worse predicament for someone trying to get/stay clean???)

    Is there any way you can pay for counseling outside of the public health system? You need someone who can help you strategize a way out of your addiction. Are there any group counseling situations you can get in? If the answer is no, and you REALLY want to get/stay clean, then your only choice may be NA or similar. I know it doesn't float my boat, and I don't know if I would be able to try if that were my only option. But there are other kinds of addiction support out there besides 12 step programs that may be more palatable.

    I know what it is to be incapacitated by depression. I know it's a giant struggle, and thankfully, you have some sort of motivation to stay alive through it. (I always say I'd feel too guilty to commit suicide.) ;)

    You are going to really need to learn how to lean on people in a real way in order to make this work. I know how hard it is, I've always been obsessively independant, never wanting to ask anyone for anything, so it's a pretty humbling experience to be so at the mercy of those around you. A big fear for me is that I will ask for something and either the person will think less of me, or they won't say yes, which would make me feel invisible and like I can never ask again. But, surprisingly, there are people out there, whether you know them or not who will say yes to you. If you can develop a group of them, you can pretty much fill every moment of your time just being with someone. In the beginning, it's the only device that's gotten me anywhere. I make a joke about it, and offer to pay my babysitters 50 cents an hour. So far, no one has billed me.;)

    How are you spending your time when you're trying to stay clean? Are you working? Are you sitting home alone a lot? (BAD IDEA!!) Are you going out drinking? (ANOTHER BAD IDEA, not the drinking, but the lowered inhibitions that come with it. You need all your inhibitions vis a vis using right now.)

    I think the real question you have to ask yourself is what are you willing to do to make a go of it. If the answer is less than "almost anything", then maybe you need to concentrate on the bad things that have happened to you because of all this, and somehow get to where the answer becomes "pretty much anything". It's time to stop beating yourself over the head, All the time you spend being angry at yourself or others is time and energy not being spent on getting clean. You need all your resources for getting some clean time. After that, if you want to go break some heads, or self-flaggelate, you'll have the rest of your life to do it right.

    I'll say it again... yesterday is gone, and tomorrow hasn't come, so you might as well have at this mome
     
  6. pinkie

    pinkie Well-Known Member

    I think that's really true, I've been thinking about this issue of motivation and writing a post about it. I haven't gotten my thought lined up yet. But I think you've hit on something critical. There's a lightswitch that goes off at a certain point. How to facilitate that event is the question, but I really think so much of it has to do with defining and facing your fears, so that you can overcome into a life more fullfilled.
     
  7. pinkie

    pinkie Well-Known Member

    Maybe, once you get that motivation, it becomes an issue of how to take action so that entropy/denial doesn't set in. If you have the motivation, and don't take action, and keep taking action towards making your life better, then the motivation slips away without really even recognizing it.

    I think it may be the opposite of what a teacher of mine once said. In writing, 90% of the work is done while you're walking around living life, 10% is in the actual writing process. Maybe in sobriety, 10% or the work is detox and motivation, and 90% is keeping yourself moving towards a new life.

    A rolling stone gathers no opiates???
     
  8. jsb33

    jsb33 Well-Known Member

    This is so inspiring. I hope I can get to this point one day. I am trying the Subutex (on day 2) but I'm still so afraid of being in pain that I haven't closed the door on my various doctors in this way. What an amazing step.

     
  9. Oldpanhed

    Oldpanhed Active Member

    Boy did you hit the nail on the head! I am so proud of my kids,I started and run a business I pretty much am very happy with my life. But I am so ashamed of the addiction to pain meds that I have. I have made many attempts to quit and I presantly am clean, 9 days today. I feel good but there is the little addict voice that says don't you want to even feel better.
    I have a stash also which is locked in a safe in my shop its difficult but not impossible to get to if a slide were to start.
    Maybe I need to think about cutting my sources like you said, I have became well connected in ways I never thought possible.
    Well thanks for the eye opening post
    Olppanhed
     
  10. startinover

    startinover Well-Known Member

    this is never an old issue
    After almost nine years of being clean, I relapsed. I had myself convinced because I knew I was using I was not 'as sick' as some other using people. What a joke. Boy was my addict in action.
    I am still using, even after coming out of a detox at the end of September. My using IS keeping me away from going to my N.A. meetings-I just can't seem to face these people who have known me for so long.
    I even stay away from this forum for days at a time due to my shame.
    As someone once put it-Renee you don't have the luxury of shame-it is such a waste of time and effort.
    So now as much as it hurts I am talking about it again. Yes, I am using and I talk about my good using days and my bad using days. I do differentiate between the two.
    There have been countless days where I can't look at the mirror let alone leave the apartment. I just don't want people to see me. I have taken to wearing sunglasses regardless of time of day, sun or clouds.
    I am trying to change these senseless and useless and time-wasting behaviours. It is difficult-to say the least.
    I do wish all of your another 24 hours-using or not-just make it until tomorrow-give yourself (and I am included in all of this) to have another chance.
    love to all
    renee
     
  11. spring

    spring Administrator

    Welcome Renee,
    What you said about staying away from NA because you're using again......that was me too.
    But when you look at it, it's like getting yourself well before you go to the Dr. or cleaning the house before the maid gets there. Do you know what I'm trying to say?
    The 12 steppers shouldnt and most likely wont be judging you. NA, after all, IS for the sick.

    The shame that keeps you from reaching out will kill you.
    I'm glad you're here at least. We have a good support system going here.
     
  12. larksport

    larksport Active Member

    Is the fear of getting hooked and having to go through painful detox enough to keep some of you away from using everyday as opposed to using once in awhile?

    Could maybe moderation be an alternative cure instead of full blown abstinence?

    I've talked to a lot of addicts and it seems they set themselves up for a huge disaster when they say "I'm never going to use again....I'm done with that stuff forever"

    It happens often. And usually when an addict says that, or makes that vow, they aren't being truly honest with themselves. They still miss using.

    Could it be somewhat better just to tell yourself "there may come a time where I end up using again, but there is no way in hell I'm going to get hooked again...I don't want to start over"

    To me, it's kind of like choosing to taper off an addiction instead of going CT. First, you taper off the physical addiction and then you taper off the "addict" inside of you.

    Get clean for a month or two. Get your head straight. We all get urges. And if you need to feed that urge just so you won't end up getting back into the lifestyle, then would it be bad to just do it?

    Is there a problem with using once a month? And then once every 3 months. And then once a year. And then by that point you're barely even using.

    That's just the way I see things. Yes, it is a reservation to use again. But I'd rather be honest with myself and the people around me that I absolutely love opiates and that I'd rather give in a few times a year instead of "relapse," hate myself and get fully addicted.

    I hope this doesn't make me look like an idiot posting this. It's just what I've learned through my POV going to detoxes and rehab.

    Never, ever again do I want to get hooked. It's the worst feeling in the world.

    I just recently got off. I did my 19 day meth taper. I've been off for over a week. I do have some symptoms left, but double espressos seem to even me out a bit.

    Honestly, I do see myself using once in awhile in the future. I don't want it to be anytime soon because I need to get healthy first. This is my last chance to not be hooked or else my life will be ruined.

    Again, if I need to take a hit once in a blue moon just to quell the urge, curiosity, and hunger, then so be it. I just never want to make a habit out of it again.

    As long as it doesn't interfere with my life. Does anybody feel what I'm saying?
     
  13. Mic

    Mic Guest

    larksport-
    Interesting proposition!
    couple of things though: For ME- I've done the ol' episodic using, and invariably I am obsessing 24/7 until the time I can use next. Plus, for an addict, episodic using almost always leads you back to full-blown addiction. I read somewhere that
    "It's every alcoholics dream to be able to drink like normal drinkers". Same principle applies to drugs. If you can do it, and not run into trouble, my hat's off to you...Mic

    "It takes what it takes"
     
  14. selfwilly

    selfwilly Well-Known Member

    i hear you on that, as well...it can be a big problem for many who have long periods of sobriety as well, and these types of thoughts contribute to many relapses.. !!!my monkey will tell me, particularly in social settings, "look , just one toot, it's ok, your cured now...." i cannot afford to be fooled by these propositions!

    i'm another one that has tried and failed with episodic using, generally the consumption spiral goes up not down. i tried the "use once on weekends" plan. if i remember, that one lasted through 3 weekends... hell i tried all the limited "plans"! they were limited, all right!!all brought me back to where i was.

    the thing that sets us apart is that we cannot control our usage, it's almost like the presence of the chemical sets off the "allergy". the compulsion

    i little head trick i would use, was to tell myself during temptation," not today, maybe tomorrow". and when tomorrow came i'd either do it all over, or the urge had passed . for some reason this worked better than that "never use for the rest of my life" proposition, which is a big one for anybody to swallow. i have had a couple "slips" during the last ten years. not doc, but with alcohol and once with halcion. i was miserable with guilt for weeks following. i knew better.

    the obsession to use does shrink, the more that time goes by, aided by keeping with a good program. most times, now, it isn't even a issue. and THAT can be a danger as well. i can't afford to forget where i was. and how i got there.

    charlie
     
  15. larksport

    larksport Active Member

    instead of letting that monkey tricking you into thinking you can handle one hit...just allow the monkey to do its thing and let that be the end of it

    show the monkey who's boss
     
  16. Pinkie,.....your post included these words .....( I'll say it again... yesterday is gone, and tomorrow hasn't come, so you might as well have at this moment in time, because no other moment actually exists.)
    (Maybe sometime you can manage to get high, but being there is a lonely place, if you think about it. You will always be lonely while you're using, because heroin is really a ghost lover, one who gives you nothing, making you chase her around the world and then disappearing the moment you think you've caught her)

    Did you read that or is it your quote ?That is awesome.Sometimes we can deal with problems if we can see things in a different light.I dont know how to properly format quotes so I did it in ()'s.You should be an author.
     

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