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Don't Let Your Shame Kill You

Discussion in 'Heroin ~ Addiction and Recovery' started by spring, Feb 22, 2004.

  1. Gabriel

    Gabriel Active Member

    Hey Help72

    I was a Heroin and Methadone addict for 15 years. I've been to 6 Heroin funerals (all close friends in their 20's). I've Been arrested countless times and have done time in the worst county jail in America (Chicago's infamous Cook County). I was shot in the chest on a bad dope deal and almost died. I've over dosed and been brought back from the dead twice. My family and non-useing friends did everything they could to try to make me stop, yet I continued to use. I finally got to a point in my life when I truly began to develope hate.
    Hate for my dispicable life, Hate for the dope dealer's and most of all the dope it's self.
    That's when I changed. Every addict is different and unless he is TRULY ready for change there is nothing you can do. Just be there when he needs support and never give up on him.

    As long he's alive there IS hope.

    Gabriel
     
  2. HJFree

    HJFree Active Member

    First of all, I don't really believe we start from square one, after,"relapse." Hopefully, we learn what does not work. Relapse is a treatment center word. We are still trying to somehow, someway, to successfully use. That is, using without any consequences. I believe that when these consequences become just to much to bear. That our suffering continues while still using, then we will become willing. I really do not want to get into the semantics of it all, but everytime this addict used, I wanted to. Sure, I didn't want all the bad things to pop up, but I was willing to give it another shot, literally. My last shot almost killed me once again, only it wasn't an overdose. My kidneys completely shut down. I was a very sick for quite sometime. Almost ended up on dialysis for the remainder of my life. The overdoses never really bothered me...I would go out and wake up in ICU. Didn't really feel any pain and was ready for another shot. Long term suffering...that has made me willing. Willing to listen...willing to take suggestions. I know this is an older thread, but I think it is an important topic. Don't let shame keep you from getting well. We usually don't have any shame in copping and using. We have to lose the perfection attitude in recovery. The most important thing we have to do today, is not use. Everything else will come in time. Gabriel, I don't think I could have said it better. Prisons, Jails, State Hospitals, Endocarditis, and on and on, never made me quit. It was that self loathing, the thought that I was going to die this way, that is when the change started. As far as drugs being in prison, they are everywhere. You cannot physically stop someone who is out to get high, from doing just that. I know it sounds calloused, but some of us will have to suffer more. Hopefully, you will live to tell the tale. Choices...am I going to fill my head with the right things today, or am I going to fill them with the sh*t that will kill my soul. If you have been around this as long as I have, you will have lost many people, many loved ones. No more do I hear their laughter, or see the smiles on their faces. As part of my recovery, I think of these people everyday. I miss them. Think of how we will be missed. They will forget alot of the addict behavior, that is human nature. They won't think of the thief stealing everything they worked for. They will remember when you made them laugh, when you made them cry. The person you used to be. We may never be that person we used to be, and that can be a good thing, because for most of us...that was all a lie. But what we can be...is who we really are. It's a journey. Enjoy every minute of it...it's all we have. Randy
     
  3. arlenewla

    arlenewla Well-Known Member

    One fabulous post, Randy!!!:)

    Arlene F.
    Exodus From MMT;12-25-02
    <center>THIS TOO SHALL PASS</center>
     
  4. sam bailey

    sam bailey Well-Known Member

    Hey HJ,

    I don't know why I don't visit this thread regularly. Well, I suppose it's because, as you noted, it is an old thread and rarely visited these days. Arlene's recent reply to your recent post caught my eye and, for the first time in many months, I clicked on...and I'm so delighted that I did. Just to read your post, Randy, made this little side trip very much worth while.

    As you say, SHAME is such a huge part of addiction. Even though many of us addicts claim that "addiction is a shame, though it's NOT shameful", most of us STILL feel, at least, those occasional twitches of deep, painful, regrettable shame. I know that I do---and, hell, I REJECT shame. But, nah, not completely, I know. And maybe shame does serve some kind of useful purpose, maybe it does, somehow, keep us from committing some kinds of despicable acts, depending on who, exactly, we are. Maybe this is true.

    Yet, as the title of this Thread says, DON'T let shame ruin your life, DON'T allow your shame to keep you inside that dope haze...because, Lord knows, that dope haze will kill you.

    So, well---I suppose like all of us, I have to work on my issues with shame. Yeah, I reject them, those that stand to kill me, but, truth be told, they are still there.

    So thanks, Randy, for your post. It got me thinking...and that can't be a bad thing.

    best,

    sam

    sam bailey
     
  5. brighteyes

    brighteyes Active Member

    I've just read the first post, I was attracted by the topic title because after my bupe withdrawal I busted on coke yesterday and I am beating myself up about it. I know if I let this depression get to me it'll turn into a lapse and I so don't want that. I'm angry at myself and angry that now I have to fight cravings again, where as before I used the coke I had no cravings for any drug. I want to go back to NA but somehow I end up feeling shame going there with little time up, so I'm trying other things for now. Maybe I'll go to a meeting tomorrow. Thanks to anyone who reads this x Brighteyes
     
  6. detroit28

    detroit28 Active Member

    this is what i love about this board theres nothing that my mind has come up w that someone on this board couldnt call out as b.s. i have a few addict things im doing that i know in the back of my head could lead me right back to the dope mans door. i have one tylenol three in my possesion, i take klonopin ( this one im not sure about, i know its a mood altering substance, but is it ok for a heroin addict?) and i have a friend who is a non user but definitlely an enabler who i gave a copy of all my dealers numbers and the people i met through the dope man so that i can sotrt of clear my concious by gettining rid of the numbers in my phone ( which i handed over for the first time ever just until i get a few weeks under my belt) but i know its ok because i know my friend has the numbers and even if i lost that i know how to get there, and we as addicts know the type of people to look for to feed our addiction. its such sick thinking and its like as soon as i start this tinking i could keep going on forever w the sick thinking. thats what im trying to change. its what scares me because my disease is so strong andd even when im feeling scrappy and strong, i know it only takes seconds to bring everything down. ideas anyone, ways to change that, i know i put a lot of things out there that i obviouosly need to change, but im looking for help or answers to the deeper question here, How can i protect myself from myself?
     
  7. Parachute

    Parachute Well-Known Member

    Do something different, ask for help, change your patterns. Learn to trust someone else cuz it will help you stop lying to yourself. Something. ACCEPT HELP. Dig this, it is pretty likely that YOU CANNOT PROTECT YOURSELF FROM YOURSELF. Gotta give it up all together, or hang in the middle till you OD and die. Truth..Same as my truth.

    Giving your phone numbers to someone to hold accomplishes nothing. It is another lie you are telling yourself. I did a whole load of lying to myself just like that. After you talk bout this as an accomplishment you describe how you can get them back, you know where to go and who to see, " JUST IN CASE" In case of what? You are holding a reservation at the dope table. Long as you do that you aren't going to get anywhere.

    You said bout phone numbers " Which I handed over for the first time until I get a few weeks under my belt" then what? You get them back and get high occasionally while enjoying your new found freedom? This will not work. If you could control yourself, your substance intake, or anything that has anything to do with drug use you wouldn't be in this position to begin with..Ya feel me here?

    This is an all or nothing game if you are an addict. There ain't no middle of the road..Your in, or Your out.
     
    Fox face likes this.
  8. nowornever

    nowornever New Member

    I just wanted to thank you Spring.
    You helped me realise that i have a lot of excuses that I truely beleived where valid reasons.
    You have given me the courage to seek help. I know now that I cant do it alone.
    Thank You,
    Ron D
     
    Last edited: Aug 21, 2011
  9. Brendenx

    Brendenx Active Member

    Many thanks to you, Spring! I just fell off of 92 days clean and found myself lost and ashamed. This was a really bad relapse for me, I had a lot of opportunities in front of me and really great chances to do well. Just knowing I gave that up because I wanted to get high, kills me. And it's because I knew that after I touched it once, I would lose everything. They say whatever you put in front of your recovery, you'll lose. That's the truth. Coming back after finishing up this detox, I will remember to keep my recovery first. Thank you for your encouragement and inspiration.
     
  10. Fox face

    Fox face Moderator

    Bumping a good thread.
     
  11. Spring,

    Thanks for posting this. I agree and love what you had to say. No matter how bad someone wants it they can still end up using. I've been there myself but I also work in treatment and have seen some of the most desperate people still manage to pick up. Last week, a guy I know through work put himself in a coma for 23 days and still managed to wake up, proceed to AMA from the hospital, and was high the next day. Why? BECAUSE RECOVERY TAKES EFFORT! It's not enough to just say "I want to stop". It has to become necessity in which you are willing to do anything it takes to stay clean.

    I became willing to put effort into my recovery. You know what that did for me? Taught me the benefits of hard work and dedication. I've learned first hand that if I put my full effort into something, the rewards will be limitless.

    Thank you again for this post. Gives hopes to those who need it.

    Ruby, Welcome back

    -Blake C
    TreatmentCandor.com
     

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