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Guess What Happened

Discussion in 'Heroin ~ Addiction and Recovery' started by donaldstrike, Feb 13, 2014.

  1. donaldstrike

    donaldstrike Well-Known Member

    smartass me went again the wrong way ... i was clean for some months (2-3) the last year but ( i hope someday i will forget the word but - no excuses anymore) i relapsed
    slow but deep into another hellish meaningless kind of life(style) ... obviously i'm not learning too much from my misstakes ... ah well
    stoned donald thought everyday halfway seriously that it will be no problem to stop again ... until the dope left his body (ugh?)
    dosed up and down and tried to stop every f***ing day ... achieved nothing
    here i am again on day 5 ct ... roller coaster accelerates ... sleep? what's that again? ... keep on trying ... i do ...

    sorry wouldn't bother anyone ... kinda quiet here :) ... hopefully a good sign
     
  2. spring

    spring Administrator

    Sorry to hear about this DS.
    I've seen your posts on the board for a long time but cant remember your history without going back to them...I dont know what sort of personal programs and things you've tried to stay clean after detox, but guess it's time to try something different huh? I hope you can get back on track soon because as we all know..the longer you wait, the harder is will be on you. Wait..you said you're on day 5? Five days clean? If so then you have a really good start...everyday after this should get easier for you. Keep on counting!

    Recovery 101: One is too many, 1000 never enough.
     
  3. donaldstrike

    donaldstrike Well-Known Member

    thanks spring (you're not alone - i can't remember my history either;)
    yes i'm on day 5 ... feeling pretty overrolled by a truck ... beside my inner ambivalent attitude i've a major problem with our f***ed up western society (so called capitalism)
    plutocracy ... competition ... survival of the fittest ... treating others (living beings) like **** ... cave men? ... bah, i'm sick of it ... so maybe i chose that kind of life to not participate with anymore ... i don't know
    i'm heading to the forties now ... my behaviour reminds me of a youngster ... ah well ... time to grow up
    funny thing is ... junkies (incl. myself) and dealers are the worst capitalists (mini business) to look out for number one ... almost ... schizophrenic
    i guess i need some help to integrate again ... tried it by myself and i was somehow successful but it didn't last very long lately because of concerns and ****
    i just don't want to discuss all this forth and back ... going round little donald ... early deep wounds ... no trust ... self medicated the whole adult life
    i'm sure reaching out (real life) saved my life so far ... i can, did and will always talk about it and cry and laugh if i have to ... i just don't care
    i know i should stick to: "God, give me grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed, courage to change the things which should be changed, and the wisdom to distinguish the one from the other."
    ... but <--- again :D ... anyway .... thanks for reading and sorry for my rant (lost in thought - you know) ... stay clean
     
    Last edited: Feb 16, 2014
  4. bolt

    bolt Well-Known Member

    Hey DS,
    Try not to be too hard on yourself. All of us make mistakes and it is part of a learning process. Some of us learn quicker and easier then others..Some never learn..
    I suggest you concentrate on the thing you can control. What is past is past and let sleeping dogs lie..Life is too short..You only get one shot and if you screw up part of it and get a second chance or a third you are lucky.
    Focus on the things ahead of you. You can change the rest of your life. You cannot change what has happened in the past..Dont try...
    So you have wasted some of your precious gift of life ,wasted it on drugs..All you can do is make the rest of your life better...And try harder not to make the same mistakes again..
    Remember that the bad detox feeling do not last forever and it will get better.
    I recall during my worst times detox pleading with god to let me have some sleep or stop shaking ect..He didn't help me..it seems he only helps those that help themselves..
    Keep up the good work..I/we are rooting for you.
    I am sure at day 5 you not asking god for serenity.
    Hot hot showers..please try it ..please
     
  5. donaldstrike

    donaldstrike Well-Known Member

    thanks bolt
    no i'm not too hard to myself ... i hug myself every five minutes for my progress ... you know :) ... no seriously ... yep good ole hot bathtub is the way to go
    i hope you're doing well ...
     
  6. donaldstrike

    donaldstrike Well-Known Member

    day 7 ... surprisingly i slept for (3+3+2) 8 hours yesterday ... ahhhhh ... of course x times interrupted and after i woke up finally i felt like ouch .... but i guess i'm over the physical hump
    sweats and chills lingering and a bit achy ... ah well ... another hot bathtub will fix it ... mentally i feel ready to change (disconnect from using "friends") this time ... reason?
    well i took a closer look at my so called friends during active addiction ... sorry ... f*** them ... :) ... they are good people just lost (like i am?) for now and beaten by this monster
    i had several moments where all was about sharing the dope just not to get in withdrawal ... i always shared even when i knew i will be in some kind of withdrawal the next day ...
    not any of my using "friends"/dealers did ... i don't belong here ... vanished all of a sudden ... without a comment ... i don't blame them - it's the monster - addiction - but still
    except my gf ... that's another roller coaster story
    as many of us i lost alot of not using friends ... by now it's like 50/50 ... time to get rid of the one 50% ... they have the choise themself ... phone numbers are gone allready anyway
    also i'm preparing for the mental battle by looking for meaning ... nature, sport, job, food, people ... joy ... once again
    it's never to late ... neeeeeeever :) ... come on fog of depression ... i keep MOVING - away from you ... thanks
     
  7. bolt

    bolt Well-Known Member

    Good job Donald! It sounds like you are over he worst part of you WDS..Good times are coming..Try ; listening to some music or watching a movie. You may want to try and get busy asap..Soon as your body lets you, get your body and mind into something.I not sure if you work or not but if you linger around and stay idle you will feel every little ouch and symptom of your detox...
    I know its easier said then done but it really is better to stay busy..You have a lot of good stuff to look forward to as you body and mind begin to recover and function normal..Your GF may notice a difference as well .
    I had success with Saint Johns Wort it works and is not to expensive...great for mood elevation..
    Personally I hit this one point during my latest detox when I was watching television and a commercial made me cry. At that point I knew my brain was beginning to function on its own and the drugs were finally gone .
    Grads on day 7! keep posting plz
     
  8. donaldstrike

    donaldstrike Well-Known Member

    heya bolt ... thanks
    i tried the herbs last year. i was/am well aware of my(our) unreal expectations concerning the effects compared to the buzz from shitty opis. i have been told they will begin to work after 2 weeks/regular intake.
    hmmm ... i took them for 2 months ... but <--- here again ... anyway ... i'll give them another chance because of your experience ... i'm tired of the extremes (up and down) anyway ...
    hehe ... i'm crying like a baby lately ... and yep ... music was always my savior - was almost addicted to it ... 20h/day with headphones(inear) isn't very healthy i guess ... had another thread about that "problem"
    jobwise i'm currently looking for something REAL productive ... as mentioned i'm a little bit disappointed about the way it works (capitalism)... it's not easy to make a living out of something useful ... bahh ... what a world
    i had various good paid jobs ... decent apartments, household and stuff ... family and friends ... nothing i could complain about ... still i was not happy at all ... i just need some courage to go my own way and help what/who ever - that's it ... easier said than done .... ughh
    thanks again and have a nice weekend
     
  9. Fox face

    Fox face Moderator

    Hi DS! Congratulations on your journey to being free! I'm still trying to find me-accept me for who I am...... It's really hard after being on opies for years. I've always been out going, talkative fun personality, not sure where that person got lost along the way. I hope the longer I'm clean the better it will be and I'll find the old me.
     
  10. donaldstrike

    donaldstrike Well-Known Member

    thank you fox face
    yes accepting my real self is a bit difficult because i neglected it all these years ... good luck with yours :)
    i've a question ...
    anyone with similar experiences ? ... everytime when i finally made it to the second week the brain theater begins to play
    playing pictures of me doing sport and such and it let me think how good it will be and forcing me to go ... go ...
    but hey i just made some kinda marathon (detox) ... i can barely move ... so shut the **** up and let me relax (self-talk)
    you know that?
    so ... because of my past expierence i know it is really good but not as good as imagined ... damn imagination/expectations ...
    that leads to some kind of disappointment and evokes the "will this **** ever end"-thought pattern ... depression
    maybe it has something to do with aging ... freezed growth (mentally) ... who knows ...
    i know i feel like i'm at the age of 99 (physically) ... right now - but going downwards ... baby steps :)
    plus ... i'm a little bit concerned about the "why i do this? ... over and over again" - addicted to leaving addiction - profound experiences?
    if that makes any sense ... it's wonderful how small things can grab my attention during the early days after
    but <--- again ... as soon as regular life starts ... so does my brain **** ... and keeping busy all the time just feels/looks like running away from something
    myself - feeling like "and now - that's it??? - get away donald - go use" ... when i get used to it (whatever) - repetition ...
    except repeating use ... addiction ... detox ... so far - weird ... actually i'm really tired of it and i hope i have had enough ... this time ...
    and i would have no problem with it even if it's just because of repetition :)
    anyway ... day 8 ... changed from counting minutes to counting hours ... to be continued
     
    Last edited: Feb 16, 2014
  11. donaldstrike

    donaldstrike Well-Known Member

    good morning odr
    day 9
    emotions are coming back ... one by one ... particularly aggression this early morning - maybe intensified by my lack of sleep
    i'm such a dumb *** ... i went out just to find someone (dealer) to argue ... lol - lucky me i didn't found anyone
    so i made a little walk and calmed down ... i was in kinda remote controled ... as long as i don't pick up or hurt anyone/thing ... ok
    will made some visits (not using ppl) today ... lethargic nervosity - i love you
    thanks
     
  12. sailormom

    sailormom Well-Known Member

    HUGS HUGS HUGS, Praying that you get through another day. You can do it.
     
  13. bolt

    bolt Well-Known Member

    might be a good time to check out a meeting bro..I dunno if going into the hood to argue is a good idea?
    hang in ..It will be better soon...keep posting...hot showers..
     
  14. Fox face

    Fox face Moderator

    It will get better!! Just remember one day at a time, hell sometimes minute by minute.. You have the strength to beat this.. My heart would race and it drove me crazy, but instead of running for the pills, I'd just run 100 or so feet to make my heart race and it would have a reason to race, a few deep breaths later, it would pass.. Take care!
     
  15. donaldstrike

    donaldstrike Well-Known Member

    thank you all very much
    sorry I was just tied to the bed (real sick ... influenza) and i had no extra energy to do a thing. it hit me on day 9 ... good timing eh? ... it's been two weeks now since i started my x. attempt to detox ...
    still on track ... no real cravings yet ... but i guess i'm just too tired to care ... ah well ... at least i managed to sleep 2-3 hours/day ... it felt like a miracle (mentally) ... not really enough during a flu though
    i try to catch some more sleep ... see you later
    thanks again
     
  16. Bonita

    Bonita Well-Known Member

    Hey DS,
    Very sorry to hear of your repeat. I feel ya. I'm nearly hitting my 5th yr clean and to tell you the truth, still not 100%out of the woods. I am very lucky to be working with addicts...on first meet it brings it home quickly what I don't want to repeat. You have a great attitude which helps. Only you can do what it takes to prevent repeat. I will say after the first yr free it does get easier. Harder for the lie of "this once" is safe. No doubt in my soul what WILL happen on any introduction of any type opiate to my system will lead. I've never been one to go half way on much. Lucky on my recovery program I left no stone unturned. So do something different Hun.
    Hang in there, this phase will end.
     
  17. donaldstrike

    donaldstrike Well-Known Member

    thanks bonita (living proof of possibility:))
    yes ... a long way to go ... don't play/mess with your reward system ... in no time it will play with you ... as simple as that!?
    i just experience the "do yourself a favour and honor your progress with ... (you know)" - lol ... insane ... who don't knows it
    honor progress with regress ... our brain is in desperate need of an update ... at least mine ... anyone?
    the slightest improvements tickles this little egoistic sneaky coward dumbass bastard - reward ... after me the flood
    "just not today"-mode activated :)
    thanks
     
  18. sailormom

    sailormom Well-Known Member

    Think positive and keep it up.
     
  19. donaldstrike

    donaldstrike Well-Known Member

    thanks sailormom (especially for your hugs lately:))
    "it" almost got me today ... impulsive disorder ... i was already on the way ... BUT ... i turned back
    and i began to clean my apartment like a maniac :) ... feels way better than a relapse - of course
    one of my cat was/is sick too ... vomiting all over the place ... diarrhea ... yummy
    donald loves to feel alive again though
    thanks
     
  20. sailormom

    sailormom Well-Known Member

    Please keep going in a positive direction. My son lost his battle with his addiction, we found him in his apartment this morning. He passed sometime yesterday. Waiting on the corner to release his body to us for burial.
    I will keep coming here to check up on you.
     

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