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Guess What Happened

Discussion in 'Heroin ~ Addiction and Recovery' started by donaldstrike, Feb 13, 2014.

  1. donaldstrike

    donaldstrike Well-Known Member

    lo odr
    some more days in sobriety land ... i'm still ok ... not feeling good all the time - and that's good ... because that's normal - that's it what i once wanted
    now i got it - so nothing to complain about ... my life gets me (may it like me or not) and i get my life (i start to like it again) back ... step by step
    no overwhelming feeling of "i did it (again)" ... "time to honor/celebrate myself?" - **** it! ... the next test is awaiting me - no doubt i will try to fool myself
    as i always did ... trying to convince myself of being in control of dependency - not to be an addict (a slave of a substance anymore) ... not by chance - i choosed to be
    somehow true but eventually it doesn't matter - what do i really want? ... to waste my life? ... or to enjoy it & nature and to be naturally happy & glad?
    glad to be alive ... but i (we all) depend on others (i try to regain/rebuild my basic trust - lost in childhood ... in lack of it we all try to replace it with whatever)
    on the move to look for & to find out ... where/what it is ... "to feel confident" - that's it
    if i can ... you can do it! ... please ... stop to convince yourself of the apparent impossibility to stop - the fake myth of addicts like you&me
    trying to glorify ourself (the addict in us - "it is so strong you can't imagine" - it depends on us ... eventually stopping to lie ... to be selfish&self-pity - we deserve it?)
    we have to feel weak to get rid of the illusion of being strong ... it being even stronger - it's not ... we're weak and it is weaker - please believe me :)
    i'm living proof of the success of weakness - so far ... the easy (the warm turkey) way out - nobody's perfect ... i failed in my past not because it is wrong
    but because i felt strong (in control) again ... lol ... what an illusion ... time to get over it - addiction (in our control) ... to get in touch with it - life (out of our control)
    you like it to be in control don't you? ... even if it's fake we seem to favour that illusion of being in control of our feelings ... life doesn't work like that
    eventually/possibly presents us a bill (of feelings out of control) we can't pay/take anymore ... i hope not - for me&you
    thank you
     
    Last edited: May 1, 2014
  2. donaldstrike

    donaldstrike Well-Known Member

    (for what again?) odr
    another monologue ... i'm used to :) ... anyway ... i was/am cut off the inet ... which is good (for you) and bad (for me) ... nothing special happened
    ups and downs ... the glimpses of a good sober life increases day by day ... feeling stuck from time to time though - walking/working helps ... what a surprise
    sleep is disrupted again ... so what? ... everything passes! - heading towards the three months mark ... dangerous days again - to celebrate what again? ...
    i hate these days my brain telling me "it's no problem to ..." ... no it's not but it will become one - obviously ... certainly - not to deny what i was/did yesterday
    to understand ... tomorrow i hope - today without dope ... i'm about to forget - not to regret ... to love every single second living in sobriety land - i do
    remind me
    thank you odr (for that again!)
     
  3. Fox face

    Fox face Moderator

    Hey DS! Glad to here your in sober land, me too:):). I'll remind you how good it is to wake up not searching for anything to function, well maybe coffee. We don't have to go through the hellish withdrawals again. Tell your brain to F off!! When I start thinking I've got this, I go back and read my thread from the beginning.. I also read the hell others have gone through and it reminds me that I don't have to ever go there again..:)
    Keep your head up:)
     
  4. donaldstrike

    donaldstrike Well-Known Member

    thank you fox face
    i should tell my brain to f off? ... i hope not the whole will follow my wish if i do so :D ... anyway ... thank you for staying in touch and helping me trough this weird time ... HUG
    3 months ago i used the last time ... no urge to celebrate but i'm happy that i'm kind of a way back to normality (whatever that is) ...
    doing my stuff as good as i can ... don't expecting too much ... enjoying the very moment/perspective of sobriety - regaining my ability to live a responsible life ...
    starting to feel really useful and naturally happy again ... over time all is improving ... slowing down but still - every second on the move counts ... it pays off - indeed
    even my "broken" back/heart (double meaning) seems to heal (somehow) ... i feel unbelievable healthy compared to last year - i wasn't able to sit on a chair for more than 5 min some days
    plus i was finally able to setup kinda plan for my future ... very vague but essential if i won't turn back to using if i feel stuck again ... what i obviously did in my past
    feeling once again freed from the shackles of addiction ... i hope ...
    i'm done with that **** - that was about it
    thank you
     
  5. sailormom

    sailormom Well-Known Member

    checking in to see how you're doing? Haven't heard anything from you lately. let us know how life is treating you
     
  6. donaldstrike

    donaldstrike Well-Known Member

    hi sailormom
    thank you very much. i'm still ok but i've no personal connection to the inet - so my update rate is a bit limited ... nothing special happened anyway - which is good
    it's not easy some days - isn't it for everyone? - clean or not ... i guess to lose the opportunity of a quick "fix" (control) - leading to nowhere but mess/pain ... will need some years - again
    you let me see what i did/do from another (my mother's) perspective ... i'm still thinking alot about your son & you - staying part of me the rest of my life ...
    in thoughts ... in loving memory - i hope
    will update later - thank you ...
    hug (from me & my mother)
     
  7. sailormom

    sailormom Well-Known Member

    Glad to hear from you. Be sure to check in once in awhile and let us know how life is going.
     
  8. Fox face

    Fox face Moderator

    Thanks for checking in:). You Rock!!
     
  9. donaldstrike

    donaldstrike Well-Known Member

    thank you both

    i'm still clean from opiates/opiods (~4 months) but i have to admit i'm not completely abstinent. i allow myself some breaks from reality by using various mind altering substances - i don't suggest you doing the same
    but i need these rare experiences/escapes (~once/month) to stay on track ... to learn ... to enjoy ... to love the the thin line of reality before and afterwards - i'm not aware of else ... so far
    i'm doing good ... working alot ... i try to meet with clean people only and to stay away from using companions - essential ... if you would ask me - beside the daily progress i have to make not to think
    about what i did ... what i could/should have done/become - it's too late ... i'm thankful for what i got back - myself ... freed of a dependence i never wanted ... trying my best to find/do what i always wanted
    only time will ... heal or kill ... tell (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TMqxDp9dA-c)

    moving/exercising is the best antidepressant i found so far - i try to stick to it
    boredom/laziness is the worst depressant i experienced so far - i try to avoid it
    last but not least - to talk/write about (doing seemingly wrong) saved me ... will save you

    thank you
     
  10. sailormom

    sailormom Well-Known Member

    Glad to hear from you. You gotta do what works for you, but glad to hear no opiates... that is good news for my ears I mean eyes.. LOL..
     
  11. Fox face

    Fox face Moderator

    Happy to hear! I hope your continuing to write elsewhere, until you get the net back. I started a journal my self.. It was hard to update here for a while... I guess admitting mistakes is a little hard for me in the beginning and of course I can't write worth a darn. Lol
    keep taking care of you!
     
  12. donaldstrike

    donaldstrike Well-Known Member

    thank you both very much
    nothing to complain about here. perhabs my stupidity ... but that's a boring and dumb story
    back on track after a very little lapse (just once) a week ago ... a million times is a million times "just once" - isn't it?
    btw. it was horrible (which is good) - let me call it "my puke-day"
    i hope i will get it one day ... the void of a seemingly meanigless life has to be filled with meaning and never with a substance
    learning by doing is easy ... learning by not doing is not so easy
    i do understand ... intellectually - emotionally ... that's another story
    i'm not alone - you're not alone
    thanks & take care of you :)
     
  13. sailormom

    sailormom Well-Known Member

    Glad to hear from you, just keep going one day at a time. Just keep getting back up on the horse every time and you will get there.
     
  14. sailormom

    sailormom Well-Known Member

    How are you doing???? I think of you often and wonder how you are doing.
     
  15. Fox face

    Fox face Moderator

    I wish you would update!! Remember the key??
     
  16. sailormom

    sailormom Well-Known Member

    Good or bad we are concerned and worry about you.
     
  17. spring

    spring Administrator

    Hey it's been over 2 months since you have been here, where are you??!!
     
  18. sailormom

    sailormom Well-Known Member

    We would love to hear from you are you Alive? Using? Not Using?
    We still care no matter what your using status is! We know it's a tough road.
     
  19. donaldstrike

    donaldstrike Well-Known Member

    thank you all for caring
    nothing i can be proud of happened
    yes i'm using again ... back to square one
    back to day one (not using) ...
    no drugs and no access to money
    lost my job and a broken relationship
    a close friend died recently
    father & brother battling with cancer
    mother struggeling with depression
    and i've nothing better to do than ... ???
    feeling my fearful thoughts
    ashamed of my inability to really care
    what happens next? ... day two
     
  20. sailormom

    sailormom Well-Known Member

    The thing that happens next is that you find a long term rehab and sign yourself in. That are alot of good rehabs for free that are associated with homeless shelters. Those seem to do the best job for recovery. you dont have a job to lose at this point so its the best time to commit to a long term recovery house. My oldest son is in one for alcohol/coke. Alchol is his doc, he is on month 4.

    You know deep down you want to get clean, so take that step to get there.
     

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