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Guess What Happened

Discussion in 'Heroin ~ Addiction and Recovery' started by donaldstrike, Feb 13, 2014.

  1. spring

    spring Administrator

    Also, keep in mind that your "inability to care" is a side effect of the mind numbing chemicals you're using...It's not the real you Donald.

    Don't allow shame to keep you down. The shame isnt in the relapse. The shame is in staying down. Time to pick yourself up and start over again asap.
     
  2. Fox face

    Fox face Moderator

    Hi DS! Welcome back, we have been worried about you! Day 3 today? You know it will get better! I believe your back on here because you do care. It's all about the good things, remember you will feel good, by doing good. Start with small things. Hot showers and a few more days. You rock, remember?!! Go back and read your post to me, you were feeling pretty good, maybe not always great, but a lot better than obsessed with scoring..
    You Can Do This !! Take care
     
  3. sailormom

    sailormom Well-Known Member

    Keeping you in my daily thoughts and prayers. I sure hope you can kick this beast.
     
  4. donaldstrike

    donaldstrike Well-Known Member

    thanks
    still and again ... i'm feeling awful
    nothing new ... i keep trying
    two steps forward - one back
    no matter what ... i've no choice
    take care of you
     
  5. donaldstrike

    donaldstrike Well-Known Member

    my discipline? ... up and down - back and forth ... so much for that
    i want to break free? ... for free? - i know there is no easy way out
    i'm still kind of narrow minded (necessary for my detox at home)
    i couldn't accept my needless addiction a single day in the past
    and i hope this ridiculous fight will be over once and forever as soon as possible
    so far i'm a good example how it doesn't work in the long run
    but because of my complete inability to accept my addiction i had some really good clean days/weeks/months
    letting me know how good a sober life can be - treat me ... if i want to - do i really want?
    none of my using "friends" (not to mention the not using) do understand what i'm doing ... for years
    since opioids/opiates can't hide their soul/joy sucking side effects from me anymore
    i'm constantly fighting for my sobriety - with little to no success ... all i can do is trying
    not looking for a quick escape or a little extra euphoria - both fake
    it's so weird ... so repetitive ... so complicated ... so needless ... it seems so impossible atm
    only dust and smoke - looking back in the future
     
  6. sailormom

    sailormom Well-Known Member

    My oldest son tried quiting drinking more than once and couldn't stay away from the bottle, he is on month 4 of sobriety and he says it is tough. Says he dreams of alcohol, smells and taste it in his dreams. He says he has always tried the steps of quitting but never truly worked them before and this time he is. Says there is a big difference but to truly work them you have to succumb to a higher power in order to succed. The program he is in he is one of the few their for alcohol, 90% of the people working the program are there for heroin. Just remember it can be done.
     
  7. StuckonSubs

    StuckonSubs Well-Known Member

    Are you clean today? Or still using?

    Life really is much better without the opiates man. Don't let that clean time you had become nothing but a distant memory. Don't lose any more of your life to the opiates. You can never get that time back. You know what needs to be done. No more excuses, do it!
    Start with some meetings maybe?
     
  8. donaldstrike

    donaldstrike Well-Known Member

    lo again

    sailormom: thank you for your continued support. "you have to succumb to a higher power" - that sounds very true for me ... i made the same experience
    it's not me doing it ... it's me not doing it ... lol ... makes sense? problem for me is i can't figure out why i do it over and over again ... out of boredom? ... stupidity? ... ugh!
    anyway ... nobody i can blame but me ...

    stuckonsub: clean today? - yes ... yesterday? - no ... tomorrow - yes ... i use one day then i try to detox for 1-5 days just to relapse ... no determination
    i tried to stick to a (taper) plan many times ... no discipline - no chance ... no wonder
    you may assume i have great willpower because i made so many "successful" (a few months clean) detoxes (yes ... to stay clean is my problem ... indeed)
    but my experience is that i've to lose my willpower because the same willpower will bring me even in a really weak state straight to the next dealer ...
    for me it just happens if i try enough - i've to drive myself nuts if you want ... to forget all the mess i've to fix later ... focus to the moment ... somehow
    i live in kind of a permanent withdrawal with some "i can't take it anymore" days - to sleep & recover from the detox so to speak ... alot more days clean then using
    a very frustrating/exhausting way to live ... and needless btw

    back to drive myself nuts - i hope it just happens (once more)
    thanks for reading
     
  9. donaldstrike

    donaldstrike Well-Known Member

    lo again

    i will start a new more serious attempt tomorrow. it's not easy to tell what my friends & family think about what i'm doing regarding my problems with my addiction.
    they don't wanna know that/what i'm trying, failing, hoping ... they're tired of the ups and downs - the egocentric lifestyle which comes with addiction ... sooner or later
    there are people believing in you/me - prove them right ... there are people don't believing in you/me - prove them wrong ... in the end it doesn't matter - believe in you
    i don't know what to believe but i try to convince myself of a better sober me awaiting me not so far away - at the end of another stormy trip ...
    clouds of depression, lightning of anxiety, wind of insomnia, thunder of fear & rain of pain makes me wanna stay in my cave ... waiting for a long-awaited sunny day
    but the weather forecast is quite stable and even worsening ... no sun the next few days - i should have known it ... honestly - we all know it
    no gain without pain .... ugh!
    fortunately i got working/used clothes and a little wrecked umbrella from you ... thank you very much - now i've to walk and not to talk about
    "this time is different" ... sounds familiar? - sounds fallacious! ... "if nothing changes nothing changes"
    i had a few fairly successful detox & recovery attempts the last few years - all of them were started during springtime (life returns)
    i never had a barely successful detox & recovery attempt during the rest of the year - it never worked out good ... for me
    strange but another sign of the power of hope & expectation
    now ... winter is coming with great steps and i just don't want to sweat cold again because of being poisoned with opis and waste my/our rare time with/to them.
    as crazy as it may look/sound but i've a little bit of hope if i can finish/end my detox before december starts ... still possible but time is running out
    that's one difference giving me more time to recover till i start to work again the next year - it was too early last time
    "boredom is the devil's playground" - that's true but work can be (mis-)used as another escape "workaholic" in my case ... good for my company - not so good for me
    i had some minor sleeping problems (paws?) returning the last time i relapsed (3+ months ago) ... and i had to be fit to fulfill my unreal expectation (fear of failure)
    of course it was a good idea to temporarlly use again to sleep better & more - my psychologically still addicted brain/mind told me this bs for some weeks ... i gave in
    forgot to take care of myself (eating, isolating) ... it's the time when i don't belong to a specific group of people (except ex-junkies) which is very hard for me
    nothing really communicable/interesting to talk about with workmates if i prefer not to lie all day long - most people just don't understand ... and they don't have to
    here i am again ... trying to ignore the inner voice (of addiction) telling me "you're strong together ... you're never alone - with me" ... trying to become me again
    still trying to make sense instead of looking for - still looking for and in need of purpose ... though - life seem to be a gift and i try to treat it/me/you/us as such

    thank you & have nice weekend
     
  10. StuckonSubs

    StuckonSubs Well-Known Member

    Yeah it's a battle. I did kind of the same thing as you for quite a while. The difference was I had sub for the days I was not using. For a while it was H every day. Then I slowed down a bit and started getting high like every other day or every 3rd day. Then it dropped to once or twice a week, then eventually once or twice a month then I was only relapsing every few months and then I made it 1 year without getting high (and celebrated 1 year clean by getting high. I deserved it, right...? (Sarcasm)).
    I was not willing to fully let go of that old lifestyle. I always made sure I still had contact with at least 1 dealer, you know just in case. I'd still keep some loose ties with old H buddies too. But it always end up biting me in the *** and getting me into trouble. When I binged, I would tend to binge pretty hard. I'd start doing the H, then get into some rocks and then I'd keep going up and down until I ran out of money basically.
    It wasn't until I made the necessary changes to my life and cut all those old ties that got me into trouble. Will power alone was not enough for me. I HAD TO make those changes.
    PEOPLE, PLACES and THINGS man. You Got To do whatever is necessary to avoid those triggers to use.

    So, what changes have you made in order to stay clean? Change that cell phone number and delete all those contacts. Then stay as far away as you can from the bad neighborhoods. I literally had to move...
    Probably the most dangerous thing about what you are doing is that you don't have that same high tolerance from using every day and one of these days you're gonna catch a stronger bag than normal and never wake up again. You are playing with fire my man.
     
  11. donaldstrike

    donaldstrike Well-Known Member

    hey stuckonsubs
    the right words at the right time ... thank you
    & have a nice day
     
  12. sailormom

    sailormom Well-Known Member

    We are all pulling for you to win this battle !! !
     
  13. Fox face

    Fox face Moderator

    Hey DS, how's it going? We are rooting for you!! You can win this battle! {{HUGS}}
     
  14. StuckonSubs

    StuckonSubs Well-Known Member

    I just logged in to ask the same question fox face lol. How you doing donaldstrike?
     
  15. donaldstrike

    donaldstrike Well-Known Member

    thank you all for caring
    i really appreciate it ...
    i'm still using all unimaginable excuses but i'm running out of them
    i keep trying and hope to reach my no turning back point soon
    and i definitely hope that i never have to talk about "guess what happened..." again
    maybe i can help someone losing energy & hope day by day as i do ... because ...
    i know i (WE) can do it ... if i (WE) want to
    but i can't control what i want ... it's even hard to really figure/know what i want
    again ... thank you very much ... for your patience :)
     
  16. sailormom

    sailormom Well-Known Member

    We are praying for you. Keep us updated
     
  17. Bonita

    Bonita Well-Known Member

    D,

    I think its time for you to look for another ave. The insanity of active addiction is doing the same thing and expecting a different outcome. There are many ways to sober living. We are all a bit different, different backgrounds, different experiences in life. But sad to say with the addicted there are also many traits we all carry with us.
    We are great cons, great liars, can come up with more excuses then carter has pills as my Pop Pop used to say.

    When I talk to the parents who contact me they swear I know their kid. I give a pic of who they are, personality traits, etc and they think I know their kid or am clairvoyant. Of course I am not....I just know how addicts think and feel and have played every game in the book in my 35 yrs of running from life. I wish it was that I was clairvoyant and not the addict with the experiences in the game.

    Nonetheless...... this is your choice. I just hope you don't die in your quest for a real life. So my man.... do your research. Look for your path to sobriety with everything you got. It won't get easier but just the opposite. This is life or death. I stop being careful about stepping on toes or hurting feelings. I can always say I am sorry to those who live. To those who don't I don't want the quilt of not being honest. I don't want to see another death around dope. Dont want to hear of another. I know I will but I want to let them go with as little guilt as I can.

    Hang in there. IF you really want your life back its there for the taking. Not an easy path but so worth it. No one can want it for you or go through the pain for you. Thats on you. But the longer you linger the deeper you get. The more painful it will be.
     
  18. sailormom

    sailormom Well-Known Member

    We all worry and are concerned about you. If something happens to you we will likely never know. We will never know if you are just actively using somewhere or gone from this world.

    I just want to you to know that we do care, and you do count in this world. But if you choose to actively keep using and leave this world you do have people who care, even people in your real life who may be mad at you for relapsing, and if something does go wrong and you leave us behind please find my son and tell him I LOVE HIM and I am sorry.
     
  19. Fox face

    Fox face Moderator

    I think it's time to go back and listen to Skillet, Not Gonna Die. Take your life back, you have the tools!
     
  20. donaldstrike

    donaldstrike Well-Known Member

    lo again
    thank you all again - it means more for me than you may assume ... even more that i may assume :)
    nothing new here
    i just i don't like it to feel sorry for myself the whole day and constantly complain about the consequenses of something i've choosen to do with full knowledge of what will happen again.
    i feel like i'm repeating myself and that's why i became quiet ... i have to/will find another way out of this meaningless life i have right now.
    even to know that this damn depression is something that will subside as soon as i've made it trough some days doesn't makes it any better now ... while counting minutes till ...
    you know what i mean - repeating myself again :)
    i keep trying and i'll never give up giving up ...
    stay clean
     

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