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How it is today

Discussion in 'Freedom from Hell ~ Staying Clean~' started by AumuA, May 29, 2009.

  1. AumuA

    AumuA Well-Known Member

    Let's see... Hi there! This is my first post. I have lurked for a little while. I originally came to this forum for tricks and tips on mitigating withdrawals.

    I was arrested nov 8th 2008, spent a week in jail, then six months in a recovery house. Awesome experience which I highly recommend BTW. I have recently graduated that and am sitting in my own place. It's kind of nice. I am still on probation, in a drug court program.

    This is a cool forum, it's interesting to see an entire 1 year recovery process evolve (or not) in a single thread. I have been clean since 11/06/08, the day I did some coke while still withdrawing from the opiates... anyway, I was half assed for so many years. I am grateful for my arrest. Never thought I would say such a thing, ha.

    Nothing quite like sitting in the back of a cruiser and knowing there is no way you're going to squirm out of *this* to really drive home the experience of powerlessness and unmanageability amirite?

    I feel the experience and strength and hope here and I'm very grateful to be here.

    Last edited: Jun 2, 2013
  2. guinevere64

    guinevere64 Well-Known Member

    Welcome to ODR... :)

    Your willingness and your surrender are lovely.

    Thanks for being here. --G
  3. AumuA

    AumuA Well-Known Member

    Thank you guinevere64. It's very awesome to hear you say that.

    To RECEIVE light, understanding, truth, you must first BE receptive.
  4. gettingbetter

    gettingbetter Well-Known Member

    Hey AumuA,

    I have to admit, I was waiting for you to post more about your recovery and how you were doing, because you seem interesting ... and kind ... and then I realized you might want me to say HEY! Tell us how things are going!

    I had the same experience sitting in the back of a cruiser, back in '99. All it did was remove me from crystal meth/GHB and into the much more socially sanctioned and proper world of painkiller addiction. :)

    Just want to tell you it's good to have you here, really.

  5. AumuA

    AumuA Well-Known Member

    I can tell this here's a good bunch.

    Well, today has been the birthday of my ex. The day I got out of jail I came clean about all the (pathological) lying... she didn't want to see me any more. I really broke her already tender heart. um... so there is that.

    but last night I kissed another someone, for the first time, so there's that...

    Adjusting to living alone again after living with up to 18 other dudes is challenging. Scheduling time.. ha ha. Oh yeah, it's not scheduled always *for* me any more, which is FREAKIN AWESOME. But the tendency to waste time watching movies or on the internets is very present. Then there is the fact that a resourceful guy like my self could get drugs in the mail.. that do what i want them to.. that don't show up on drug tests.. yeap.

    I'm not about to do that.

    I LIKE SOBRIETY. I really love my life, I love being alive. It's the best. It's a trip, man. Best trip I've had in whatever. I like clarity of perception. I like it when confusion clouds it over, and then it returns. Emotions, wow. I'm learning who I am. Taught by the most high, the whole reality.

    Uh.. I do get high off my own sh*t sometimes. I recognize, well that , I can take no credit. I could not have stopped falling on my own, or I certainly would have. She was everything I wanted, and she was there.

    Not taking that one little bite of that one little pill was all I had to do. I took that bite, and the next, and so on and so forth ad nauseum. I can only give thanks that i became willing to accept help, which I can't take credit for either.

    I'll read this tomorrow and probably flinch. I'm still feeling out the M.O. here.

    To RECEIVE light, understanding, truth, you must first BE receptive.
  6. sam bailey

    sam bailey Well-Known Member

    Hey AumuA,

    Keep writing.

    And sharing your "perception(s) of clarity."

    Hmmmm, interesting 'stuff.



    sam bailey
  7. AumuA

    AumuA Well-Known Member

    I have been having very vivid and symbolic dreams, last night and this afternoon. I'm not going to go on about them, but both times i awoke with phrases in my mind and a strong feeling of ... excitement and joy. First it was

    Time is like waves, breaking on a shore.

    .. and then today there was something about The gift returner, as in one who tries to return a gift. To get their money back. And as I came awake I said

    Well, I thank God every day, for this moment.

    .. and there were tears with it. As I reflect I know that I was the gift returner, and that each moment is a gift, and that time is .. not the curtains, but the window. Or something.

    I don't know.

    To RECEIVE light, understanding, truth, you must first BE receptive.
  8. sam bailey

    sam bailey Well-Known Member

    Hey AumuA,

    For what it's worth, on this early SoCal morning...[8D]

    Still interesting, but woefully obscure. Symbolism, especially such abstract symbolism, is (potentially) dangerous in that it can too easily confuse, rather than enlighten.

    You write,
    Well, okay...so now? Look at it, into it. What does "time" mean to you? Why is it "like waves?" While the image, symbolically, of a "shore" is near-ancient, and (perhaps) a little on the obvious, maybe even trite side, it might be worth more than that. Look inside it, AumuA. What does this image mean to you beyond all else? Or, is it merely an old, familiar image rerun in your mind?

    Also...re-think your initial interpretation of your "gift returner" dream. Of course, your insights to it may be perfectly right-on. However, if "each moment is (in fact) a gift," especially a gift worthy of thanking God, why would you "return" it? Aren't you worthy of such a gift?

    Dreams are sometimes nothing more than...dreams. Other times, dreams are, can be, genuine explorations into one's deepest secrets. Messages from God? Well, I don't know about that. Maybe. Maybe not.

    In any case, don't be timid, or lazy, about such neural visions. Don't simply accept superficial interpretations, unless it/they feel, well...just-plain-perfect.

    You say, "I don't know." In my experience, one usually does know. For real 'n true. But only when we're willing enough, and brave enough, to look deep inside those visions can we see their most essential truth(s).




    sam bailey
  9. AumuA

    AumuA Well-Known Member

    Very thought provoking questions, Sam Bailey.

    In my addiction, in my self serving M.O., I was, and am still often, the gift returner. The inability or unwillingness to look up from my schemes, ideas, subterfuges, fears, posturings, and perceived .. relationships to reality is an abandoning of direct experience of reality. Indeed in active addiction I was simply not here. Not now. Not ever. Always twice removed, at least, from the nitty gritty.

    And what a gift ! How beautiful the living, growing, breathing .. being ! It's not a question of deserving or undeserving, although my judgements of those things seem to play a big role in the error of my way.. it is what we're given.

    We are given life. Life is the gift.

    Why would I return it?

    To RECEIVE light, understanding, truth, you must first BE receptive.
  10. AumuA

    AumuA Well-Known Member

    That is a question which has far reaching implications, the exploration of which could probably fill many books. Why do we stop growing? Why do we act so spoiled?

    Why are we messed up?

    Valid questions for sure, and highly relevant.

    More pressing right now to me, is the question, how do we recover? The answer to which is fortunately in one chapter of one book. At least one answer is.. but one is all we need. Amirite?

    I know what you mean about symbolism and metaphysics, much as I do love such things.. indulging in them too much, especially early on, is a dubious luxury indeed. Thank you for taking the time to go there, though.

    To RECEIVE light, understanding, truth, you must first BE receptive.
  11. jdude

    jdude Well-Known Member

    Speaks Volumes!![^]


    <center>You can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking that caused them in the first place.</center>
  12. AumuA

    AumuA Well-Known Member

  13. peacenik

    peacenik Administrator

    Hey AumuA, Nice cat :) Looks like our cat Gracie. I copied the address into explorer to see it. I don't think you can insert images in posts here despite the fact that the forum code says you can.

    You can just post a link to the picture though if you use url instead of img


    <center><h6>trade one drug for another- trade one denial system for another</h6></center>
  14. gettingbetter

    gettingbetter Well-Known Member

    Kittens are god's gift to mankind IMO ... I am so happy for you. Did it just happen randomly? Doest thou have a story to go with said kitten?

    Good for you, man. Love it.

  15. AumuA

    AumuA Well-Known Member

    I had planned on getting one when I moved out of Chapter 5. My friends had kittens, so I went over and took one away... He was very freaked out at first, but now he is right at home. I have never had a pet before. His name seems to be Ivan Micheal Jackson Appleseed.

    It's weird because for some reason I kept thinking 'jackson' for a name last week but it never seemed quite right. Yesterday it became clear what his middle name was. He is so awesome. He wants to be involved in whatever I am doing, and he does the most rediculous flips. Like... I don't know. How you do that. And he purrs too.

    Talk about getting me out of my self? Yeah, totally.

    To RECEIVE light, understanding, truth, you must first BE receptive.
  16. AumuA

    AumuA Well-Known Member

    Ohh boy I get to go to jail! Missed a UA yesterday. Guess I wasn't expecting another one just two days after I did one on monday.

    Oh yeah, first of the month. Oopse. Well, 48 hours in county. That's the deal. Clean and sober or not.

    To RECEIVE light, understanding, truth, you must first BE receptive.

    There is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in.
  17. gettingbetter

    gettingbetter Well-Known Member

    Whoops. You all right?

    I will certainly miss your posts for those two days. I enjoy your perspective immensely.

    Want me to feed the cat while you're gone?
  18. AumuA

    AumuA Well-Known Member

    Yeah I am all right. Thank you for asking. And I like your words too, especially up there about the hierarchy of needs.

    Because I went this morning first thing I will be able to self report, instead of being cuffed in the courtroom. It's just part of the fun. I see my friends get led away for the weekend every month. Immediate tangible consequences is the idea here. Not sure if works or not..

    To RECEIVE light, understanding, truth, you must first BE receptive.

    There is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in.
  19. AumuA

    AumuA Well-Known Member


    i think i need to back off a bit... i'm having this flash back feeling of disassociation. like my life is just a paper cut out.

    brb, trippin.

    To RECEIVE light, understanding, truth, you must first BE receptive.

    There is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in.
  20. Parachute

    Parachute Well-Known Member

    How you doin? I hope it passed. DIS ASSOCIATION is very much connected to the DIS EASE of addiction...I had it so bad I used to watch TV to try and understand HUMAN motive be it dramatic or comedic..I simply did not understand why people did what they did when I first got clean..Dis associated to the extreme. This guy pedals his bike past my house every single morning. I could never understand WHY ON EARTH HE DID THIS! Exercise, freedom, fitness,well being, I did not understand any of them...today, I ride a bike!!! It gets better AUMUA....what does your screen name mean?


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