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How it is today

Discussion in 'Freedom from Hell ~ Staying Clean~' started by AumuA, May 29, 2009.

  1. Bonita

    Bonita Well-Known Member

    Hey A,
    I have recently experienced strong feelings of frustrattion with recovery.. actually helping others with recovery. Once I got still and really looked at what was going on it was all me. I was getting frustrated with myself. I was not getting my "alone" time that I feel is so needed and feeling like I was loosing my life for others that didnt take stayinig clean as seriously as I was. They paid money to get thru a painless detox to only come up with excuses to go back out. Not even good excuses and then wanted me to changes up my time to help them get clean again, I was getting so pissed.
    I took a long walk to try and work thru my dissappointments. I realized that I might be a little jealouse that these folks had the opportunity to use again and here I am in a position that I really can not use without infecting everyone and everything around me. I didnt want to be in this position right now. Why... well I think I wanted to exscape just for a min. Not loose all I have worked for but just for a min be numb. I wanted that warm fuzzy feeling that my mind was telling me I could have. Of course my mind was not reminding me that I lost the abiltiy to get that warm fuzzy feeling the dope gave me... dope could only allow me not to be sick. I am sure with the clean time I have under my keel that I jsut might get that feeling since my tolerance was lost. Really Bonita??? how long before I will be using not for that warm fuzzing feeling but just banging one quickly to keep the sweat out from my eyes. I got thru another day without putting dope in my system.
    Not sure what to do for myself to help prevent these desires from controlling another minute. Not sure what the next best step I should take right now. So sometimes no decision is a decision. I will just continue as planned. Meet the folks I have made commitments too and do what I know I should be doing. Maybe put some thoughts in how I will spend Christmas with my family, what to get them to show how much I love them and stop feeling like I deserve a break. I mean really. I had 35yrs of a break from life. Yrs I did nothing but feed the habit I had and pretend to be a part of life. I will work on being where I am at the moment. Focus on the task that is right in front of me. Know that if another soul walks away from active addiction it will make a smile on my face and soul. I have to remember that the MOST important thing for me to do is not pick up dope today. If I do ALL is lost for me and I just may not make it back. I use up all excuses and don't have the desire to invent more new reasons to use.

    I like what gettingbetter said and maybe change up things. I think I am gonna take that advice for myself. Change up a little on how I go forward in life for my own recovery. I might be getting a bit stale.
  2. gettingbetter

    gettingbetter Well-Known Member

    Hey man ... at least come back and let folks know how you are ... I'm concerned.

  3. teach07

    teach07 Well-Known Member

    Wow......havent been here in a few days....dont post much anymore but I really appreciate your honesty and the replys above....I dont have much to add....just seems like as the seasons change so does the recovery community around me....I do know this......using isnt the solution and just as those before me have been there for me I must do the same!!!!!Whenever I find myself pulling back.....usually due to frustrations with those around me......the quality of the life I have had over the last few years starts to decline.....so I get off my *** and do what I know I have to do....get back in the middle of the pack....if I conitnue to play the :recovery hokey pokey....no matter what the reason .....I will use again.....some folks might not agree but thats MY truth.....and like Dani said ....its none of my business what others do or think....hang in there Aumu....find a different meeting....reach out to some of those court ordered people who appear not to care....you never know.....God puts the people in our life around us for a reason..... Much Love Carol
  4. Allgood

    Allgood Well-Known Member

    A - Keep up the good work my friend. Perseverance through the tough times only makes us stronger and more able to get through the next time. If things were always peaches and cream, recovery wouldn't be worth it for me. It's the difficult times that challenge me and keep me walking this path. God bless to you my friend, please check in with us soon.

    Where do you live?

  5. onemoreaddict

    onemoreaddict Active Member

    AumuA, your situation got me thinking. During our using time, we all learned, that we can do away with all the bad things in our lives by just having a hit. Sure, there were bad times when using, but when on dope, even though you are aware of all the bad stuff in your life, you don't really care, do you? Perhaps a part of recovery is relearning to cope with life's difficulties, when they hit you with full power, not dampened by dope. Even when life chips away at you, like you described, you have to learn how to take it. We all have to, for myself i know, that every time something bad happens, my instinctive reaction is "i need a hit", and i know i need to snap out of that way of thinking and face my problems sober.

    Cmon, you have come a long way, don't waste it. Remember day 1, remember the shitty withdrawals, remember the shitty cravings on day 10, 15, 30. You've gone past all that, and you had time to learn how to deal with your problems once again. Use that knowledge now.
  6. AumuA

    AumuA Well-Known Member

    Thanks for all your responses. I appreciate the support very much. Doing OK here, hanging in there, making a little money. Feels good to make at least minor payments toward back rent. Working on getting into step 10 for real. That daily inventory is sorely needed by me, that has been very obvious lately.
  7. teach07

    teach07 Well-Known Member

    Glad you checked in.....have been thinking about you. Chop wood....carry water......take care... Carol
  8. guinevere64

    guinevere64 Well-Known Member

    AumuA... been thinking about you and wondering how it goes with thee. much love, /G
  9. AumuA

    AumuA Well-Known Member

    Well I suppose salvation really is free and it doesn't cost anything for the fix that works. Maybe I already carry the good medicine wherever I go? Every experience I have clean is a learning experience, for the rest of my life. DNA is encoded instructions and living life is the process that decodes it?

    What you believe is not as important as what you do. You really can believe whatever you want to believe. Any belief is true is some sense, and false in some sense. So what works?

    Just taking a break today, from working for that almighty dollar. I'm kind of thinking the dollar is just as important as recovery today. Cause without a dollar, what do I have to put in the basket?
  10. teach07

    teach07 Well-Known Member

    What you believe is not as important as what you do. You really can believe whatever you want to believe. Any belief is true is some sense, and false in some sense. So what works?

    Really like this AumuA.....reminds me of something I saw in one of the schools I visit.....

    You cant plow a field by turning it over in your mind.

    Good to hear you are doing well.....

    Much Love...... Carol
  11. AumuA

    AumuA Well-Known Member

    Thanks Carol.. I'm not doing that great though.. hanging on but I'm on a treacherous path. The compromises I am making for money.. I feel like a whore. I sure picked a hell of a time to learn about self sufficiency. I got a little bitterness going on but also.. a good deal of real self worth, and a sense of growth. I'm not safe at home base though, I got to keep that awareness up front. I am in between bases and it's no place to be hanging out. Got to keep moving, find that good stuff.
  12. gettingbetter

    gettingbetter Well-Known Member

    What's up J. I like the whore analogy. You know what you have to do ... just keep moving, friend. You'll get there. Have some faith. Take it easy.
  13. Rainier

    Rainier Well-Known Member

    Hey there!

    I haven't read on this thread in quite some time, and see that you've been going through some sht. Sorry to hear it, but life is never a smooth easy road, in my experience. And what you do when things get tough does matter.

    I've been having a bit of a rough spell myself, being away from the job and place that I have quickly come to love, and back at 'home' (except it isn't, anymore) through the first part of the new year. But I'm finding ways to cope, even when they're ridiculous. Like the other night - I was feeling depressed, so I got online and watched Jeff Dunham vids on YouTube. I laughed my a$$ off, and felt a lot better for it.

    Whatever works, right?

    Watch that treacherous path - find a way to step off of it. Hard to do, sometimes, but also necessary. And try to keep in mind that being a whore is at least an honest profession!

    Peace and love,
  14. AumuA

    AumuA Well-Known Member

    Well Rain I'm not quite as much an acerbic jerkoff when things are going peachy for me..

    About the treachery, it's all about what I am doing for money. My job puts me in an environment that has a lot of dope activity. Although I am surprisingly resilient to it.. it's like radiation to me. Exposure to it affects me negatively and beyond a certain point it will harm me. I try to be honest about just how much I can handle.

    What's interesting is that this SEEMS to be in some way, in my path. There is a huge lesson that I know I am smack dab in the middle of actually getting right now, and that is doing whatever I have to do to pay my own bills. So it seems like something I am supposed to walk through I just know I can't remain there much longer. It's f*cking with me pretty badly.

    "Find a way to step off of it" That's some good advice. Your advice also is very good Danny L.
  15. guinevere64

    guinevere64 Well-Known Member

    I've always felt like a **** when I ask for money for anything. As though I'm supposed to work for free.

    I'm in the process of reading Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill. I never would have thought I'd pick up a book like this; I usually sneer at stuff that teaches you how to be wealthy; but "richness" in this context isn't just about money. I see that I've devalued myself a great deal, and denied myself the "richness" of full experience. Using was about that--blunting the experience, whether "good" or "bad." Anyway, the book was put in my way by several sources, and when that happens, I try to pay attention.

    Stay true to yourself and go easy bro. love, /G
  16. AumuA

    AumuA Well-Known Member

    Threading the gauntlet here, I really am taking it one day at a time for the next 10 days or so. It's like navigating a mine field so keep me in your prayers or thoughts.
  17. AumuA

    AumuA Well-Known Member

    AY yes, the holiday is UPON us! Run for your lives, the beast of many heads is set to devour all in it's PATH! AHH GodZIHrahhh..

    Well, if anybody IS reading.. then this **** is not easy. It just isn't. I don't have any family around here, and even though I have my 'other' family let's face it.. people are drawn in this time of year and are unavailable. That's just how it is. 2 years ago on Dec 26, I relapsed. I feel like I am going to traverse this week very well thank you. I don't want to use drugs. I've used against my will though in the past, I don't know about any of you, but I'M THAT CRAZY when it comes to dope. Guess I'll just use these old tools the best I can, which really isn't much, a lot of times. If it's enough to tip the scales then then it's worth every bit of My will and My Way that I've given up. The payoff is .. out of this world, man.
  18. gettingbetter

    gettingbetter Well-Known Member

    Hey brother, I'm reading, and I hear you on the family thing. My mother and stepfather blew town to go to Florida because "your brother and his children would rather be with his wife's family and we're not going to stick around this year to feel like the second best family". I was like, um, excuse me, you have a daughter who has made a point to spend Christmas with you for 38 years now, what the heck am I, chopped liver? Also, is that really the point of this most festive holiday, the ranking of the in-laws? It stung a bit but heck, that's their perogative if they want to blow town ... brother invited me down to be with the niece and nephew but I feel weird with my sister-in-law's family: would rather be with the friends near here who invited me over. I'm going to do some wrapping and head over to a friend's in a bit. I like this semi-urban tribe deal around the holidays. I really enjoy calling the shots: It's also the first Christmas in nine years without my ex-husband.

    So hey, try to make merry my friend. I know it seems people are shut off, but they really aren't. I've gotten an amazing number of invitations to houses to hang with people and their kids. I don't find people drawn in at all unless I'm the one drawing myself in. I am also making cookies tomorrow and bringing them to the VA. I am just so grateful to be sober and in control of my life these days ... I can do anything I want with it, you know? I wish you the happiest of happy holidays and here's a big kiss on the cheek and a big guffawing goofy laugh of happiness just for you.

    much love
    (drugs suck)

    p.s. - I totally would have sent the f'ing candy. :)
  19. AumuA

    AumuA Well-Known Member

    Last edited: Apr 21, 2012
  20. AumuA

    AumuA Well-Known Member

    Yeah, well you know I am perpetually drawn in my self Dani. So Perspective, right? You say you are in control of your life? That's good, I sure wouldn't want you to be in control of my life ha ha. . but then, you know I wouldn't want total control over my own life either.
    You know how I see it, life is bigger than you or me. But I think I know what you mean, you mean.. that you have choices today, and the ability to choose. This is powerful, and we didn't have this before.
    Dec. 26, that is today, and two years ago I relapsed on this day. I used. I did some drugs, oh yeah. I did the hell out of some drugs in my time. More drugs than all of you put together, most likely. Ayuh.. but point is, I stayed clean today, and I like being clean.

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