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How it is today

Discussion in 'Freedom from Hell ~ Staying Clean~' started by AumuA, May 29, 2009.

  1. AumuA

    AumuA Well-Known Member

    Sup my Homies

    Lol comic sans..

    Well I guess it's international smoke weed day or whatever so here's some milestones.. some context of where I am today.

    + I quit playing Warcraft about a month ago, after 2.5 years of playing sometimes up to 60 hours a week. My raiding group of 10 close in game friends broke apart and that was that. The main reason I was playing was to raid with them so.. it's left a hole in my life, one that my addicted mind immediately has suggested filling with drugs.. but I have not acted on that.

    + I started working about 2 months ago, and that's obviously a very positive change. Those who know me know that I have been like a broken record for over a year about needing to find work. I finally just did what it took, 3-4 hours a day seeking high and low, after a month I got the job. Retail, baby. Barely above minimum wage. A far cry from the "perfect job that got away" a while back. Feels good.. more right sized I suppose.. fak.

    + Quit smoking about 6 months ago. I'm very glad I did. I don't miss it any more.. ok maybe once in a long while. I sure don't miss waking up light-headed and breathless every day. Or buying them constantly.

    + I graduated the drug court 2 years ago, today. I got off probation a month later. That was a trip. My life changed drastically when I was arrested but what a blessing in disguise man cause before that it was bleak to say the least. I was not living at all, merely existing.

    + Relapsed for the last time nearly 2 years ago as well.. directly after getting off probation. It was totally premeditated, short, and quite vicious. It took a long time and a lot of work to regain what I lost in that short time. The most ephemeral qualities seem to be the most susceptible to using even once.. self worth, peace of mind, balance, introspection, insight. These are things I never really knew before recovery, and I learned these will vanish in a heartbeat if use. So it's almost two years clean, I am grateful.

    + Got my cat about 3 years ago. That's my first pet I ever had, and she is the best. I do not know how I would handle it if anything happened to her. She is growing into such an awesome example of feline beingness. I hope to be able to give her a place where she can run outside and stuff, and maybe meet other animals, but it's not good for that where I live. So I wait. It feels like I am working toward something, some kind of 'where do you see yourself in 5 years' thing I never had a clue about before.


    I've been through some hairy times lately, to the point where it felt like I did relapse, even though I didn't pick up. Quitting WoW and starting work were factors, I mean it's like big change, and change makes me nervous, makes me want to 'cope' how I know to cope. The main trigger was me checking out the side of the Internet that I better avoid, playing with fire basically, tempting fate. See I have a dis-ease that tells me it's OK. It's OK to go there, to check out this online drug bazaar. It's OK to imagine.. just a little..

    just a little more..

    whoops, that sh*t caught hold of me so fast that my body was reverberating. My bell was rung, and I was obsessed instantly. It has backed off since then, especially in the last week. I mean I kind of know.. that I am not going to use. But I still have a strong feeling lately of being in two worlds. One foot in the past still.. I sense the reservation. I can actually turn it over in my mind, and I just know that I will either relapse or I will let go even more than I have so far. I know what to do, to make the right choice, and I am doing the deal. There's still like a reluctance around it all though, like a rebellion. So I guess it comes down to grace. If I don't kill my self with my stubborn refusal to let go then I have only God to thank for that. Which I do. Every day.
    Last edited: Apr 23, 2012
  2. tiredjunkette

    tiredjunkette Active Member

    read your thread and was pretty inspired. I'm detoxing with the help of a little sub, don't use it like the doctor said but i do use about 2mgs about every 24 hours. i just past five days clean, and that's the longest I've had since i started using two years ago. i had about a 120 to 200 pill a week(lorcets) , and also took bezos and somas. well to be honest i did whatever i could get my hands on, mostly pharms, but smoked the sticky every now and then, never got into the hard stuff, but im sure that if i had the connect i would have been slammin heroin for a cheaper fix. anyway your thread caught my eye and thought id share a little of my story.
  3. Rainier

    Rainier Well-Known Member

    Damn, John - I didn't see that post until just now. It put the wind up my back...

    I got sent a link the other day to that side of the net...over there, on the other side of the virtual tracks and all...

    And I actually thought about scoping it out, just to see what might be there, because of course I was curious, and of course I wouldn't actually go and buy anything, so where could the harm be?

    Then I stopped and thought about that for a second. Really? In the kind of space I'm in right now, I'm gonna go to an anonymous drug market just to window-shop? Those little lies I tell myself amaze me, sometimes...

    But I'm better at catching them than I used to be. Sneaky little things, those lies.

    And man, I hear ya on the two worlds thing, and on reservations. I know I have at least one. Probably more than one. And I, too, need to let go of that sht.
    Last edited: May 4, 2012
  4. AumuA

    AumuA Well-Known Member

    Thanks to you both for popping in. It means something to me.

    I have a big job interview coming up and right now I want to do anything except prepare for it. I've never prepared for an interview before and I usually end up choking on the questions, so this time I said.. I said to my self.. going to figure this out ahead of time. But after researching and reading several books I can't seem to bring myself to really sit down and get my facts and my story together. I just don't want to look at my self in that way, it's hard. In all honesty I haven't been the best employee in many of my past jobs. So what do I say? How can I explain my past bad choices if they come up? I want to run and hide from the whole thing, to be honest. That doesn't necessarily mean using, but it still means avoidance.
  5. gettingbetter

    gettingbetter Well-Known Member

    1. Stay in the now.
    2. When they ask you a question, smile at them and answer it thoughtfully and honestly.
    3. You kick ***. You kick ***. You kick ***. Develop this - or something else similar - as a mantra. Run it repeatedly through your head. Interviews are all about humility and confidence.
    4. This is the type of thing I enjoy doing, if you would like help.
  6. AumuA

    AumuA Well-Known Member

    Thanks D. I'll try to take those things to heart. It's not necessarily easy to remember or put into practice such things in real time though.
  7. guinevere64

    guinevere64 Well-Known Member

    humility and confidence have always seemed to me to be oxymoronic when put next to each other. I know what you're saying is correct, but I still can't understand it, or always enact it.

    Yes, I would like help. :smile:

    Aumua, how did it go? /G
  8. AumuA

    AumuA Well-Known Member

    Well I showed up.. I guess that counts for something. They did help me relax to some degree, but I still choked. I'm really bad at interviewing. It will be a miracle if I get the job, but if I don't then I'll chalk it up as an experience I can learn from. I really tried to prepare this time, which is a first, but I didn't quite get there (being prepared). Anyways I'm not feeling very comfortable right now in my stupid skin.
  9. AumuA

    AumuA Well-Known Member

    Hey guys, popping in to say hello. I didn't get the job, guess if I never tried I wouldn't get the opportunity to experience failure.. funny how that works.

    I still got my other job though, you know? And for the superhuman resistance I put up to working the past couple years.. it ain't bad. It's just something to do whilst I keep my eyes peeled for something I want to do. I pay my bills though, that's a hell of a change.

    Speaking of which I got a summons from a debt collector. I'm fighting it, sorry but f*ck them. Seriously. I have to file all this stuff tomorrow.. I don't want to even think about it.

    I picked up my black keytag last week, guess I'm one of those people now. The black keytaggers.
  10. teach07

    teach07 Well-Known Member

    Congrats on the black key tag!!!!! You are a testament to what can happen in our lives with hard work, perseverance and faith in something bigger than ourselves!!!! Keep on keeping on..... Much Love.... Carol
  11. guinevere64

    guinevere64 Well-Known Member

    2 years? awesome. congratulations, and thank you for being here, dude. love /g
  12. AumuA

    AumuA Well-Known Member

    Thanks, Guin. You know it means a lot to see your good wishes here. Cause I look up to you, and stuff. Teach, thank you very much as well!

    I guess I'm on a pretty even keel, I have a court hearing on the 30th to see if I can get the case dismissed. I've learned a ton so far about law that I never really wanted to know. It's weird, cause it's very stressful and worrisome, and then you're just waiting for extended periods. I'm sure many of us have at least some experience with this kind of civil case.

    In my program, I'm on step 11. Which is interesting because teh meditation.. I used to do a lot of meditating, in my early/mid 20's. I dove into more than one format and philosophy. I did silent meditating, and out loud chanting, I did hare krishna and nam yo kyo renge kyo. I did sitting alone and group meditation, simple breathing meditation and structured daily courses of meditation. I saw lights and sh*t, you know? Anyways in recovery I guess I've been a little wary of the whole scene, just because it never kept me clean, it never saved me from self destruction. But now here it is, in the program I've chosen to apply. So, it's cool I started meditating again, practicing step 11. And doing the motherf*cker book too, which is great. The questions in there I get to answer are truly insightful. They made that book good, they did. They didn't put no BS in dere, nope.

    Otherwise, life is pretty good. I have a lot to be thankful for, and every day is new possibility of appreciation and love, and opportunity to rise above and serve a purpose.

    Oh, and I go to work. I make 8 bucks an hour. I like, pay my bills and stuff. That's good, right? Sometimes I'm still not sure, but I think it is.
  13. AumuA

    AumuA Well-Known Member

    December, 2012

    Still clean. Still making minimum wage as a retail associate. I have this insane rash, it's all over, don't know what it is. Various skin conditions have been present in my life for some time now, but I've never had a rash like this and it's kind of scary; to think I might have to live with this until I die. God knows I've been blessed with pretty good health so far, but here it is: a health problem, and I don't know what's causing it or if it's even curable. It doesn't help that I can't afford to see a doctor. I'm working for a better life but change is slow right now and sometimes I feel like it's not worth the effort. I have some pretty intense feelings going on, and I think the 2012 has something to do with it. I think it's affecting everyone, even if they don't think it is. Based on past experience, I personally believe that life is going to go on after this month, but at the same time I've heard rumors of this time for a quite a while; since the early 90's at least, and I think most everyone can see at least subconsciously that certain tensions are getting past the point where something has to give, and large scale and potentially violent shifts (snaps) are imminent and even occurring now, geographically, socially. It's not all bad, and I sure am glad that I am at least partially awake. I know that I've already prepared the best possible way just by getting free of drug addiction. I recommend it to anyone.

    Hope everyone's doing great; you know who you are. <3
    Last edited: Dec 6, 2012
  14. gettingbetter

    gettingbetter Well-Known Member

    What about a clinic? You should get that looked at my friend ...

    ... as for the rest of your post, it freaked me right the flip out so I just killed 20 minutes reading the NASA website. I shall now down some coffee and head to a meeting and think about asteroid belts. I realize reading a government website would probably not make you feel better in any way shape or form but it did me, though I do sense ourselves on the edge of some major paradigm shift.

    Although sometimes I think I'm just getting older. And that ascribing this shift to my lifetime is another way that I, Danielle, try to make myself seem important in some way in the scope of Earth's rotations.

    Good to friggin' see you man, I've been wondering about you.
  15. AumuA

    AumuA Well-Known Member

    Good to see you too, and I've always wondered about you a little..:smile: Anyways, yeah today was tough. This whole month, oh it's just off the hook. Thanksgiving was really cool though, seems to be the consensus. I got to see family, travel, lots of extended family I seen. Got to make some of those amends that have been staring at me from that list. I'm happy to report that they went smoothly.. perhaps a little too smoothly.. I feel like I should get some kind of catharsis; some kind of big scene, and resolution. But, you know it's good the way it was too.

    I don't know what's up with this rash; it's hard to tell if it's just starting to possibly ease up barely, or if it's only now taking off it's coat for a longer stay. Feels weird, man.

    You know December 21 is the start to the Winter solstice, and that's the day that, at the very least, we should all pause for a minute and go "wow." It's good to consider the wider perspective once in a while, and whatever fabrications and misinformations have spread about the Mayan calendar, at the very least it does describe some very large cycles, whether real or imagined. The whole calendar is ending so.. yeah. "wow." Amazing that such a thing could happen in Danielle's lifetime. :wink:

    The roommate situation has been gnawing at me for so long, and now I've taken steps to end it. When I look at the new place I am going, and compare how small and dungeon like it is with this place I feel a mix of sad and angry, but also a little bit of optimism. I'm dug in here; lived here for 3 years. It's comfortable, and it's a nice place, well built. The walls are straight, you know? The new place.. I don't know. It represents the unknown, but it also represents freedom from this situation here which feels oppressive any more. I want out, so I'm getting out.. at the end of December; possibly the strangest time to move. Sometimes it just feels like I'm swimming up stream; like I'm quite possibly in the wrong place, doing the wrong thing. It feels like a constant struggle with questionable gains. I just don't know what else to do right now.
  16. gettingbetter

    gettingbetter Well-Known Member

    It's a rainy gloomy December morning here in New England, perfect for thesis writing, but I will pause here in my tiny dungeon with my last dregs of the (first cup) of coffee and shoot the proverbial shiat with you for a few.

    I can't believe it's been almost two years since I moved in here by myself. That seems impossible but it's the truth and in that time I got almost an entire master's degree done. Anyway, I'm writing because I very much identified with the dungeon aspect of what you said about your new place. When I first came to see this place, it looked so tiny. It's 650 square feet. It's really nice - hardwood floors, ceiling fans, washer dryer dishwasher all that jazz - but it's tiny. And I remember thinking about the sacrifices we make to get what we want, because I lived in a very nice large in-law house with Keith. Well, it wasn't LARGE. But we had a happy little bedroom tiny hall cozy living room with open concept kitchen and then a big stairwell with another room to the office and we converted the garage to a big old gym.

    Thing is, I spent most of my time in that tiny office downstairs, near the garage/gym. Keith was upstairs, in the living room, or in bed most of the time. We stayed as distant as possible most of the time. When I did climb the stairs to make a reluctant effort to spend time with him (he was always watching TV and I had stopped enjoying that for the most part), the distance was palpable. It was easier to stay downstairs, where I could ascribe the distance to solely and sheer distance.

    Were I fashioning the situation to metaphor, it would be that distance and those stairs. The large place we had with no real connection. Despite the space there was always something missing.

    When I moved in here I made massive efforts to make this place my own. I carefully decorated for weeks, nothing fancy, you understand, minor detail. I built a bookcase that I needed to have in the right spot, right color. I got fake flowers to match the accents I needed. I had my big student-drawn poster of Holden Caulfield rubbing "F You" off the walls at Phoebe's elementary school framed in a beautiful frame. I bought a guitar and leaned it up against the bookcase and put my meditation cushion next to it. I went to Home Goods and got just the right flower-wire dishrag holder that cost 16 bucks and looks great over the sink. I painted the bedroom a lovely green and hung Sigourney Weaver and Katniss Everdeen all over the place. I got green glass beads for the bathroom and an hourglass with purple sand to put next to them.

    It is all quite lovely and it took some time but it was fairly cheap, all things considered, and even though all this loveliness is truly a sty right now - I am sitting next to three bowls, two with dried chili in them and one with the remnants of oatmeal - the cat, Hope, is here too; she's purring - I still know when I finish this post I'll clean up this joint. It will be cozy. Still small, but much more beautiful and loving here alone than that other, larger place with two people was.

    I accomplished much more here on my own than I did in the other, better place. And I would much rather be living here any day of the week. I'm writing this not as an extended metaphor of my divorce though it is that too - I think sometimes about people I know that are afraid to go out on their own like you talked about, and I hear others express that "what if" fear too, it keeps them in marriages, it keeps them in situations they dream of leaving. And I get it. The financial aspects in particular hit you hard. But I don't notice those aspects anymore and it's all been stunningly worth it, especially coming to the conclusion that I don't need anyone but myself in my life to be happy. Before you roll your eyes know I've sworn off any attachments in that realm for at least six months to a year. Now that it's been a month I'm thinking a year is what it will take for me to truly flourish, because it will take that long to figure out what the hell it is I would like in that realm anyway as opposed to just jumping into a relationship to be in something.

    I digress though John. Because my point is that yeah, I feel you. I remember seeing the new place and thinking "but it's so small and yet will cost me so much more." I remember the fear and the awful hollow of leaving the familiar, and my then husband. I remember the early mornings of thinking "what the hell have I done". And you were there for me soon after, when I relapsed and then went south with James Franco in 127 Hours. But I was decorating the way I described the whole time, even while that was going on. And it was scary and it was much more expensive but my dungeon was only a dungeon if I made it that way. I relapsed pretty soon after I moved in here, I don't know if you remember. But it was one day out of two years and I turned the energy around quickly and ran like hell. I think that's all it took, really. Running like hell in the direction I wanted and staying sober while I did it.

    It's so gloomy and rainy this morning and I'm watching the traffic pass on Daniel Webster Highway from the sliding glass door, with my porch. There are winter pines and maples as a curtain on the street. I am working on my thesis all day. In a month it will be turned in, complete. And I am complete here alone and I would not trade it for anything else in the GD world and the miracle is that this morning I know that with absolute certainty and total love.

    I suppose my point is that your new place will be amazing, and that it will be an adjustment. But it will be amazing. Just give it some time and allow for a few dips in the road. I don't think I could live with anyone else now if I tried. I'll give it a year and see.

    much love
    mayan dani
    Last edited: Dec 8, 2012
  17. AumuA

    AumuA Well-Known Member

    What's up b*tches. Picked up muh 3 years clean on the 28th. That includes nights and weekends, beer and weed BTW.

    I'm just grateful I don't have to rely on any kind of dope today. More and more I simply don't want it, and don't need it to live life to the fullest potential, and anyone else that's addicted can do the same. That's the message I carry today, take it or leave it.

    That said, changes happening.. same job eh, whatever.. it's a job. I was in a car wreck, good news everyone's ok. I got a mazda millenia now. It's a cool car, my budget lexus. I've moved, new place eh.. whatever. It's far from ideal but I'm working towards.. refining the vision? I would like a place that is safe to let my cat outside.

    I still work a program. I'm involved in NA service in the area. I'm going to a convention in fact this month in Tucson. It's my first one, terrifying.
  18. teach07

    teach07 Well-Known Member

    A HUGE Congrats on 3 years AumuA......and I remember being really nervous about my first Convention also but I promise you it will be amazing. Just seeing all those addicts in one place is enough to keep you inspired. Glad to hear that everything else is going well too. The gifts or recovery...............
  19. guinevere64

    guinevere64 Well-Known Member

    Congratulations, Aumua.
    "and anyone else that's addicted can do the same." I love that. People write me all the time: "can I get off Suboxone?" "what are your PAWS like today?" I have no PAWS. It upsets me that the medical establishment seems intent on convincing people that the cure to everything is more drugs.
    Warmest wishes during your changes. love /G
  20. gettingbetter

    gettingbetter Well-Known Member

    Three years = Three hugs :)

    namaste dear friend.

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