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How it is today

Discussion in 'Freedom from Hell ~ Staying Clean~' started by AumuA, May 29, 2009.

  1. AumuA

    AumuA Well-Known Member

    Yeah ha ha thanks you know it's funny cause.. just today I found out that I'm getting kicked out of this place. I got until the 1st.

    I almost want to just pick up and go somewhere completely different. . I work at a major retail chain I could probably just.. have a job already anywhere I want to go. I mean it would be the same low end job but maybe there would be more opportunity to find a more skilled and better payed job. . I mean I do got some skills.

    Did I mention that I beat my lawsuit? I was sued by a debt collection law firm. A week before trial they call me about settling. I said ok I'll take a dismissal with prejudice. They said ok. I said oh yeah I want my court costs. They cut me a check.

    Scumbags. :biggrin:
     
  2. Rainier

    Rainier Well-Known Member

    Congrats on the 3 years, John! ( yeah, I know, I'm a bit late to the party...)

    Hope everything works out for you with finding a new place.
     
  3. AumuA

    AumuA Well-Known Member

    Thanks Rain, and Danielle, and Guinevere, and Carol and everyone. The convention by the way, ARCNA, was really fun. I wanted to go to another one right away. So many people, so many people that I didn't know, and yet were connected to by common threads. Easily less than six degrees. And I did meet some new friends, but being there in such crowds made me appreciate the people I was there with that I did know all the more. And we had FUN. There were so many speakers, so much distilled wisdom, on so many workshop topics. A convention of recovering addicts, people who are using the recovery principles in their lives, who's lives are better for it. And plenty of newcomers. Hell yea I'd recommend it.

    I decided to go to school again, it seems like the thing to do. Just getting those A's they're money in the bank that's how I see it. I got the financial aid, and I got a little settlement from my accident, and it's a little windfall for me. I definitely.. it's funny you know, but I've always heard people talk about how they started to feel like they didn't need the steps and the fellowship any more. I never really felt that way before but now I can hear it, in my mind. Like you don't need that stuff, you don't need to go to another meeting or that stupid.. matforce thing.. you don't need that bullsh*t. You ain't even gotta go to that stupid job now, put up with those motherf*ckers and all their stupid demands. You know what F*ck all that Sh*t. You obviously GOT this, it's all good. I actually hear that voice now. I don't listen to it (much) but I hear it all right, and it seems to be because my life is getting better. I'm just reminded lately that I'm not cured, and I still have more steps to take. This life.. what a trip. Since I'm a student I decided to grow a full on beard, and now I got some blue coloration put into it. I kind of don't want to be THAT guy, but it seems like I am. I don't know I just feel like pushing it, and seeing how far I can push it. I must be listening to that voice again.
     
  4. MemoryGap

    MemoryGap Active Member

    still working for my treatment. Like yesterday, i still feel like a dirty garbage for using so much drug all this years.
     
  5. AumuA

    AumuA Well-Known Member

    It's time to make a post I guess.

    I miss the way it was, sometimes, here on this board. It was a real phenomenon for a time but online communities are like dust devils, they stir up a little wind for a while, toss some stuff around, and then vanish into grit and dirt. So I'm gonna rattle them bones, gonna dust off those rusty strings just one more time, and make a post I guess.

    I got a clean time anniversary coming up, in just about a week. It's been five years since that last relapse, the annals of which are recorded in this very f'n thread thank you very much. Maybe I will go back and look at those words I said upon my return from those.. serious days. I probably should, if just for some kind of relative perspective.

    I'm still in school, again. Just graduated from community college and I'm looking at the next few years. I'm aiming for Meteorology and specifically working with the supercomputers and algorithms that model the atmosphere, upon which modern forecasting is based. I'm going to be a real scientist, yo. Lately I'm having to accept that all those A's (4.0 in the past 2 years) aren't going to pay off just yet. I'm finding out that I am ineligible for the bulk of academic grants and scholarships because of.. the wreckage of my past. 20 years ago, I was not mature enough to handle college, and now the result of that has come to laugh at my plans of breezing through school for free on my talent, intellect, and motivation. I have not been happy about it, but slowly, I'm coming around to accepting what is and continuing down the path.

    I stay clean with my brothers and sisters in NA. I work the program of the twelve steps. I'm going to the ARCNA convention in fact this weekend, just for the day Saturday this year. NA is far from being my whole life, but it remains the foundation of continued recovery. If you're new or if you're struggling to stay clean for any appreciable time, give yourself the best chance and go with something that works. I'm here to tell you that it's f*cking working for me. I'm not just drug free today, I'm free from the tyranny of my own self imposed limitations, at least to some small degree. That's from taking the steps I need to take, working alone and together with others. I'm beating this sh*t and so can you, through surrender. I guess people don't want to hear it, but whatever, this is my thread, and this is what I'm doing to stay clean.

    I got a nice house, it's actually a trailer but the location.. it's so incredibly idyllic at times. Ivy is my cat, and she's still with me on this journey. She's a good cat allright. I'm working at Staples now, it sucks but it's not that awful.. I guess. I'm taking Calc III this summer, should be very challenging. After that I will most likely be moving.
     
  6. gettingbetter

    gettingbetter Well-Known Member

    You have the home I dream of having some day, in that locale.

    I can't say enough congratulations to you dear friend. I miss this board too sometimes but you're right, those perfect heydays come and go. Maybe it's just that no one is addicted to opiates any more.

    I can't believe it's been five years since that happened.
     
  7. spring

    spring Administrator

    Congrats on your 5 years coming up Aumu. Sounds like life is treating you well these days.

    Further proof to those who still struggle that it IS possible to change your life around no matter how far gone you think you are.
     
  8. hopespringseternal

    hopespringseternal Well-Known Member

    I just wanted to say that I read your thread start to finish last night. I won't pretend I can relate to much of it, personally. But I am impressed just the same. I also want you to know I appreciate your posting on my thread, taking the time to address what seems like a monumental problem to me and is miniscule to what you accomplished. Your advice and encouragement were just what this tired and aging woman needed. Thanks again.
     
  9. channah

    channah Well-Known Member

    I was a participant on this board so many years ago and had a dream about it last night. I remember reading your journey and want to say congratulations to you. Your writings always beckoned to me, perhaps because you used a tagline from one of my favorite Leonard C0hen song, Anthem. "There's a crack in everything/that's how the light gets in."
     
    Fox face likes this.
  10. Fox face

    Fox face Moderator

    Hi Aumua, How'd that class go this summer? As I sit here and think about Ivy and this time of year, my cats have finally won the Christmas tree war. It's tucked safely away behind the closed door of my youngest child. They've chewed though the lights more than once, toppled the tree over and swatted ornaments all through the house.... A water bottle works wonders, if your awake when they play. I'd say the cats have it made!

    I'm sorry you lost your post! I've had that happen time or two myself.
    Are you still working retail? If so this time of year can be bit much.
    Keep taking care of you & Ivy
     
  11. gettingbetter

    gettingbetter Well-Known Member

    I'll post on YOUR thread. And then you post on MINE. How are you?? It looks like you're well. Let's start some shit up again. Can we swear here yet?
     
  12. AumuA

    AumuA Well-Known Member

    I'll show you yours, if you show me mine?

    Yep you can gosh darn swear, by golly. Thanks to everyone who took the time to write a litte note to me. I value every one of them.

    It's just about time for me to head back for my second semester at the University, as a Physics major. I'm looking ahead to Atmospheric Science in grad school. The first semester.. well let's just say the first semester kicked my butt. I kind of feel like some backwards yokel coming from my little community college waving my 4.0 around, who just got a reality check. So my new gpa is 2.3, that's where I'm starting from today. Of course Physics is tough, and the Physics department here is notorious on top of that, but this is what I signed up for, and now I have a better idea of my actual capabilities. It's a growth experience that is making me have to reevaluate how I approach learning, as well as my expectations. It's hard to consider that maybe what I've always called my best might not be my actual best, and might not cut it in my current endeavor. The gist is, I'm going to try to rise to the challenge.

    The University is vastly different in other ways as well, as I knew it would be. Of course I have a hard time relating to the party/sports/circus vibe which is everywhere, and actively being sold as the 'college experience'. There's a generation gap between me and pretty much all of my peers in Physics, as well. So I haven't really made any 'school' friends yet, but I will. I have NA friends, and some of them are also in school, so there is that.

    Adjusting to a new area of NA is a whole nother experience. Especially coming from where I was, which was a much smaller area, to the 'big city'. Attitudes, conflicts, cliques, so many cliques, there's just kind of more of everything, but lots of meetings too so when a meeting pisses you off, hey you have options. I really don't click with cliques, but I mean I can get angry at the cliques, which is basically just human nature, or I can look at what I can change. How I can be more 'a part of', and less 'apart from'. I set myself apart from others in many ways.

    All in all it's a huge change, moving from an area where I was pretty dug in, since long before I got clean, to a totally new place, with a totally different vibe. It's been a shock in some ways, but I certainly have no regrets. I'm just where I need to be, it's the truth, and this is what I get to do in my recovery, pursue a dream. This is because I stayed clean, I did whatever it took, and I still do whatever it takes because I know beyond a doubt that if I use today, all bets are off. I can't harbor any illusions about that because I see people going out and coming back all the time, I hear their experience, and I've watched people go to prison for hard time behind their using, and I've seen people die too. I've witnessed people stay clean as well, and seen their lives flourish. I see people who have stuck with it, and grown in recovery into some beautiful, eccentric, and amazing beings, and it's for real. I see that and I say "that's what I want, and that's where I am going." There's nothing left for me in using anymore.
     
  13. hopespringseternal

    hopespringseternal Well-Known Member

    You know, kiddo, there's no more of a generation gap between you and your college mates as there is between you (what, not yet 50?) and me. And there are cliques EVERYWHERE, always have been, probably always will be, even here on ODR. Hell, I've been tryin' to sit at the cool kids table here since I came on board, without luck; ok, for only 10 weeks, I'll admit...

    Still, the gap did not keep you for reaching out to me, which I do appreciate. I just got back from a long and grueling day in the city, so if I can muster the energy, I'll respond to your comments to me, on my thread.

    I just wanted to say that I graduated (back in the old days, 1974) with something like a 3.75, that with working a full time job to get through. Boy was I proud of that! And you know what? Ten, twenty -- 40 yrs. later I was judged by how well I did my job as a nurse, nothing more. Lol, no one down the road will ever know what your gpa even was-- or care. Keep pursuing the dream and rise to the challenge.
     
    Last edited: Jan 12, 2016
  14. AumuA

    AumuA Well-Known Member

    When I'm talking with my com padres, those who share a common bond of experience with addiction and/or recovery.. then age truly matters little, Hope. In the big, wiggly world though, it's a different story. I'm face to face with, and in direct competition with, a new generation. Sometimes I think I'm crazy for doing what I'm doing, that I don't stand a chance, but then.. there is always a path, be it one that pleases me, or not. Yes, grades don't matter in the 'real world' but for what I'm looking at: grad school, research opportunities, internships.. you better believe they do matter! I'm already having to adjust my expectations downward. This semester is going to be the litmus test, to see if I can recover my composure and hit my stride.

    I feel a shift in my mind coming on. I finally got a new sponsor here, and we've started working steps again, and shit's about to get extra-dimensional. I can really feel it in my being. It's been a good while since I've delved into the work, and I'm ready for some of the kind of change that only comes from applying those principles. Yes, I am goddamn blessed to have a program.

    On a related note, I seem to have found some kind of balance with the local meetings, and my perception of the insular and cliquish nature of NA around here. It's more of a general shift in attitude than any particular mantra I can say, but it doesn't piss me off anymore lately. Maybe I realize that so many people come and go that, if I don't show up every week, regularly, then I can't expect to automatically be part of 'the gang'. And I haven't been much of a regular, I still don't have a home group at the moment, and haven't been to area even once :eek:. Anyways, being able to let it roll of my shoulders makes it a lot easier to kind of butt my way into conversations and such, which is exactly what I need to do more of.
     
    Last edited: Feb 19, 2016

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