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How it is today

Discussion in 'Freedom from Hell ~ Staying Clean~' started by AumuA, May 29, 2009.

  1. gettingbetter

    gettingbetter Well-Known Member

    How are you, man? Still quit? CONGRATS on being a bigger person than me and CTing it. Yikes. You still feel good? I'm not going to be around a lot, but I'm still psychically here ... and congrats.
  2. AumuA

    AumuA Well-Known Member

    I am still quit! Yesssssss.

    It's been a hell of a week, and it ain't over yet. I'm going in again tomorrow. Horrible flourescent lights, the food... I don't even know. it makes me feel weird for days afterwards. I get restless legs from jail food. Must be the saltpeter. I can't complain too much. When you know you're getting out in 48 hours it's nothing like ... last november.

    I didn't know when I was getting out. You just don't know, they don't tell you. Everybody's guessing, hoping, wondering. Despairing. Or accepting. I've seen some truly amazing acceptance in jail. Like, WOW. Going to DOC for five years.. acceptance. Serenity. Peace with the facts.

    Not me when I was there. I knew it was all over, life as I knew it, and I was NOT ok with that. At the time I was terrified, ashamed. Angry at my self, so much. Going back there brings back that feeling. It's been a hell of a week.

    I am still quit. Don't have to think about smoking this weekend, and I am grateful for that! I am grateful that I can take this next step in my recovery, by the grace of God. And the tools of the 12 steps. Fuggin Awesome!
  3. gettingbetter

    gettingbetter Well-Known Member

  4. AumuA

    AumuA Well-Known Member

    Ah yes but of course. I can originally posted by now! See?

    The second chapter now that ... was very familiar. I don't think he really meant, you know. Weed. In that description?

    Two weekends in the can man... it opened my eyes I think, lit a fire under my ass about continuing with my step work.

    None of you will ever guess... what step I've stalled on.
  5. gettingbetter

    gettingbetter Well-Known Member

    Are you being sarcastic? Would it be step four? Nine? I keep losing everyone at step four. Nothing like jail to make you say 'gee, not sure I want to be here'.

    He meant weed dude. Unless I'm missing something. And yes. It is familiar.
  6. AumuA

    AumuA Well-Known Member

    Yes it would be step four, how short sighted of me to believe it was so obvious. I am working on the rest of it again. It feels good, feels right.

    I will just have to keep reading, but it sounded like a good description of a stimulant binge. Peeing in a vase or something cause he is too frozen with paranoia to leave his room? Do people do that on pot? I suppose they might...

    I am so glad I live better than that now.

    Also: Good to see you, D!
  7. AumuA

    AumuA Well-Known Member

    I have nine months today in my government mandated recovery. It's like government cheese. Govt rcvry. Got court tomorrow, got my court slip, here ya go. Proof that I'm sufficiently programmed.
  8. gettingbetter

    gettingbetter Well-Known Member

    I'm not sure what tone of voice the above post is in, but I read this just the other day. You might dig it. From my new big book -- Infinite Jest. Doesn't have much to do with the government, though.

    "There are some definite cultish, brainwashy elements to the AA Program (the term 'Program' itself resonates darkly, for those who fear getting brainwashed), and Gately tries to be candid with his residents re this issue. But he also shrugs and tells them that by the end of his oral-narcotics careers he'd sort of decided the old brain needed a good scrub-and-soak anyway. He says he pretty much held his brain out and told [them] to go ahead and wash away. But he tells his residents he's thinking now that the Program might be more like deprogramming than actual washing, considering the psychic job the Disease's Spider has done on them all. Gately's most marked progress in turning his life around in sobriety, besides the fact that he no longer drives off into the night with other people's merchandise, is that he tries to be just about as verbally honest as possible at all times, now, without too much calculation about how a listener's going to feel about what he says. This is harder than it sounds. But so that's why on Commitments, sweating at the podium as only a large man can sweat, his thing is that he always says he's Lucky to be sober today, instead of that he's Grateful today, because he admits that the former is always true, every day, even though a lot of the time he still doesn't feel Grateful, more like shocked that this thing seems to work, plus a lot of the time also ashamed and depressed about how he's spent over half his life, and scared he might be permanently brain-damaged or retarded from Substances, plus also usually without any sort of clue about where he's headed in sobriety or what he's supposed to be doing or about really anything at all except that he's not at all keen to be back Out There behind any bars, again, in a hurry. [His sponsor] likes to punch Gately's shoulder and tell him he's right where he's supposed to be."

    -pg. 369

    ... I'm in love with this character. In ways that only I can love a literary character. Which is truly, deeply, and completely.

    HEY. CONGRATS, dude.
  9. AumuA

    AumuA Well-Known Member

    The tone is a little off. I haven't felt the same since being in jail. It's a trigger, jail. There's a lot of the wrong attitudes in there. I can feel the addict talking louder lately, in my head. Dissatisfaction with where I'm at. Impatience. The classic signs and symptoms. The dis ease. The govt cheese.

    Edit : Well danielle I'm only on page 46 but.. Damn. Wow! To put it mildly, I grok that. In fact I have a lot to say about the subject. In fact I have spoken about the subject. But for now I'll say I've been a connoisseur of cult phenomenae in my life, and also as a tech, I know a good program when I see one.
  10. Parachute

    Parachute Well-Known Member

    Me too. Just had a long talk bout stepping up my game wit da Sponse...AGAIN!! Amazing how cunning addiction is.....I think I got it, I think I got it, I think I got it....I don't got it. [B)] There are always more levels....I don't expand as fast as I contract...Sometimes I forget I gotta move toward recovery every day...Move toward the light. I forget, then, I find myself just trying to stay outta the dark....WHEW, WHAT A HUGE DIFFERENCE~!

  11. gettingbetter

    gettingbetter Well-Known Member

    I wrote that passage out cuz I thought I heard that in the tone. I felt that way right before step 4 ... and during.

    How is your sponsor? The work? I don't live in your area but I'd be happy to help if I can.
  12. AumuA

    AumuA Well-Known Member

    I don't know where my sponsor is. It's 9 oclock, do you know where your sponsor is? I'm probably much closer to using than I would like to believe right now. Like a hair's breadth away from picking up. It doesn't feel that way, but isn't that just how the addiction sneaks up? I'm certain now that my addiction is stalking me, and it is very good at the art of stalking.

    Here's the way I was doing it, and I got maybe 60 pages like this, all on one person, my ex.


    It's actually really cool, and very in depth, and also based on the big book, and I like it quite a bit, but since finishing the stuff about me and my ex, I am now having a hard time focusing on this method as it relates to the rest of the people on my 'list'. I feel a strong need to finish this up, and the way I was doing it is not helping now. As a tool it was useful, but now it doesn't seem to fit the lock.

    I am open to suggestions.
  13. Sluggo

    Sluggo Well-Known Member

    the format for my resentment inventory was nearly identical to the one you're using. my suggestion (since you're open to them) is simply to keep going. its not specific to one person...it truly is a resentment 'catch all'. one size fits all. keep going. just push through it. take the next name on your list...and write. our behaviors/patterns which set these resentments in motion become blazingly apparent. over and over again.

    bonus: i'll give you 5 bucks to rename your thread 'government cheese'.

  14. Parachute

    Parachute Well-Known Member

    Thanks SO much for posting that link. I am doing a complete REDO of my fourth step. Started it recently but plan to spend much time this weekend. That is SOOO HELPFUL for me...YOU ROCK AUMUA!
    I feel ya on the being "stalked" by addiction. Addiction gets me to a place where I can't stand how I feel, usually summed up neatly by "restless, irritable, and discontent" these feelings are rather overwhelming since I picked up.I can't go on feeling like this...I need to "make it stop" so, I am diving into the step work cuz I can feel it telling me that " afew of these, or those" could take away the bad feelings...Two weeks ago I had a few of these or those, and it BROUGHT The bad feelings...
    Hang tuff, keep reaching for recovery AUMUA>..

  15. AumuA

    AumuA Well-Known Member

    Oh you are very welcome chute. I guess it was my need to do it different that I sought out that guide, but it has been a good guide, so far.

    I just smoked a cigarette. Wow. I'm not sure what to think about it. Tastes bad. My fingers are smelly.
  16. gettingbetter

    gettingbetter Well-Known Member

    Neither of those seem positive dude. Just sayin'. :)
  17. AumuA

    AumuA Well-Known Member

    Hello, it's been a while since I've posted, although I've been active on the board. It can be an addiction all it's own.

    First thing I want to do is make an admission. The current discussion about this on the board has brought it back into my awareness suddenly. About six weeks ago, right after I was in jail for a couple weekends, I looked around online, and ordered some propofol from a canadian pharmacy. They sent me an email saying this is a prescription medicine, and I needed to fax a prescription. At that point I came to my senses and cancelled the order. The good news is that I have not thought about it at all since then, I forgot about it completely, and I haven't had the urge even once to look around for any drugs online. What's scary though is that I did not tell anyone, not my sponsor, not my friends, not anyone, until now. What would have happened if the pharmacy was not so scrupulous I do not know. Perhaps that's what I don't want to think about. So there's that.

    Also I started smoking again. I'm not going to say much about that except that I get headaches a lot more, I feel exhausted in the morning, my breath stinks, it sucks. Don't do it. I intend to work on it at a later date, I need to work on other things now.

    Which brings me to my fourth step. The thing about it is that I completed part of the fourth and fifth, a while back, the part that had to do with my ex. This was a lot of the really heavy stuff, and I have many pages, and I got a lot of insight into my self and my patterns, the same patterns over and over. What I'm saying is I got a lot of relief, and perhaps that enabled me to put off the rest for so long. When I tried to pick it up again, I thought well I can just do each of the rest of the people on my resentment list one at a time, do the 3rd and 4th colummns on each, then move on to the next person (this is exactly what is not recommended by the way). So everytime I picked it up and tried, it seemed so endless and daunting, I did not know where to start, and I put it down again. Recently, something clicked...

    How about you just do it exactly like it says to do it, following the directions as they are written.

    What an epiphany! Now it doesn't look endless, and I'm working on this step again. Just that fact is making a huge difference in my outlook, suffice it to say.

    The last thing I want to mention is that I seem to have injured myself at yoga, something that has never happened before, and I thought very unlikely. But I was in a full lotus, and pushing it a little, and something gave in my left leg, and since then (about two months) I can not move my leg in that way, pulling in and up, without pain at the knee. The pain has not diminished at all, and there is no pain moving or stretching in any other way, it's very particular to that kind of movement. If anyone has any insight as to how I can treat this, then do tell.

    I found an NA meeting in my area on fri that is actually good. It's nice to just say "I'm a drug addict" and have it fit. Good people, good recovery.
  18. gettingbetter

    gettingbetter Well-Known Member

    Thank you for having the humility to tell us.

    Coming out of hiding makes it so much easier to be continually and rigorously honest. I have found this honesty to be the cornerstone of my recovery. And I still on occasion find myself spouting off lies. They get littler and littler and stupider and stupider (nice teacher word there D). I find that interesting. It shows just how subconscious, just how ingrained, that addict instinct is. I don't even mean to do it. I correct them immediately now.

    So many years of protecting and denying and burying the truth, that shadow, that urge, so that we'd have those secrets, we'd have that layer, we'd have that life intact, like a snow globe, like a shimmery glassy bubble we blew wider and wider.

    Except that dream world is complete BS and the sneakiest darkest most monstrous thing out there. So I'm glad you laid it out there.

    As for the work ... do you feel like you have enough guidance?

    As for the knee ... I would get an MRI if it has been a while. Where is the pain, exactly?

    much love and respect,
  19. AumuA

    AumuA Well-Known Member

    Yes well the thing is, I didn't even realize I was hiding something until just yesterday. That I could deny something so completely even now is ... something I didn't know about my self. I mean, I have noticed other compromises of my integrity in the mean time, and acted to correct them. It's been important to me. But I did not allow that to even enter my conscious mind at all. I said it's done, and no harm done, and no one else needs to know, and I forgot about it. That I needed to tell someone did not occur to me. But I did do it so much in addiction, kept that buffer zone around me so I could continue to use without ... anyone getting in the way. Man that is messed up. May I be more vigilant in the future.

    As for the work, I do feel that my inner guidance is thus far enough. If that changes, I will ask for help. Like you said danielle, somewhere... I can't find it... Just makeing sure I progress on it, in some way, is all I need to do right now. When I sit down with it, I talk. A lot. As I write I talk to myself, and to God. I talk things out just working on it. I realize a hundred things, but I don't hold on to them. I write down the essence as best I can.

    "Tell me where it hurts", eh? It's kinda hard to describe. It's near the back of the knee, it's like an internal place you never feel anything usually.. I think just today I might have found a thereputic way of healing it though. We'll see.
  20. peacenik

    peacenik Administrator

    Reminds me of the old Rodney Dangerfield joke where this guy lifts his elbow real high and says "Doc, it hurts when I go like this" Doc says "Well, don't go like this" :)

    But John, the thing I'm also reminded of when reading your post is the old saying about "Time" in recovery and that young lady I heard share years ago who said her sponsor told her the acronym "This I must earn".

    And the lesson I learned is that we earn our recovery one day at a time.

    I was like many addicts I guess in that when I gave up the drugs, that addictive energy had to go somewhere and I applied it 100% to recovery. I went to meetings every single day without fail, often two a day. And I read recovery literature every night.

    I wrote on my steps too. (funny, but during that first couple years no matter how much I did, I still had this nagging feeling I wasn't doing enough)

    But the thing was I had spent years getting deeper and deeper into addiction and it wasn't going to change overnight. I think the program of recovery we have is a great context within which to grow, but I don't think we can snatch recovery by going to hundreds of meetings or filling a notebook with writing.

    I love all the help that was there for me from people who had done it, but I found that real recovery happened over time, like they say in NA by living and facing life on life's terms. Recovery , they say, is a journey, not a destination and what I've found is the farther you go down the path the greater is the context that you see your world in.

    So I'd say, yeah, go for it, work at all the things you need to, but be kind to yourself, at the end of the day you'll just have one more day clean right? It's great to try, at least, to have some balance. Great to go to meetings, but I went way overboard :) Great to exercise, but not so much that you injure yourself.

    I've shared before about smoking and, frankly, smoking was more of the addictive substitution for me. I wasn't ready to quit till some years after I quit drugs. I'm not recommending that but I do think it's best to be really ready to apply the same principles to quitting cigarettes that we did to drugs. I was able to do that only after enough self-honesty had crept in and I put down the cigarettes and there really was no question that I would ever pick up another. If you can't commit to never picking up another one, do you really want to quit? I don't know, I'm just a firm believer in abstinence, and when you accept that smoking is an addiction, and is negatively affecting you, then abstinence is the only way.

    good luck John


    <center><h6>trade one drug for another- trade one denial system for another</h6></center>

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