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I am the wife of an opiate addict and I am reaching out

Discussion in 'Family and Friends' started by IFeelSoAlone, Nov 20, 2014.

  1. IFeelSoAlone

    IFeelSoAlone New Member

    This is my first post. This is not my first time dealing with my husband's addiction to percocets/opiates. A couple years ago I discovered that he had a substance abuse problem. Money was disappearing faster than when it went in with lots of excuses and lying. I would also look at his pupils to try and see if he was on them. It finally came to a head (or so I thought) when I firmly told him that he either quit or I was going to leave him. He swore he would never do them again and that nothing could ever come between us.
    Well, here we are, a few years later only this time it's much worse. While working, he was reported by other drivers for swearing and weaving. When taken into custody he admitted to being under the influence of klonopin and also containing percocet in his system. A urine test was taken and we are awaiting the results. This was two weeks ago. Since that time, I kicked him out of our home and he was staying with my inlaws. I did allow him back into our home but I gave him a drug test which was purchased at a local Walgreens. The test came back negative for any opiates.
    Every day since has been a struggle. I want to make all the right decisions to help him in his recovery which he is fully promising is going to happen this time. I am driving him to various AA meetings so he can start to build a support group. I am finding a therapist who he can speak to. I am trying to be his helping hand instead of following the mantra of letting the person hit rock bottom. I don't believe in that because for some people rock bottom means death. I can't give up but I am so scared. I am scared of not doing enough, of doing too much or not doing the right things in the right order.
    I am overwhelmed.
    I feel very, very alone and scared for what my future holds. I am afraid to trust anyone. Am I making a huge mistake? Can someone who is committed ever truly give up this terrible addiction?
  2. StuckonSubs

    StuckonSubs Well-Known Member

    Yes people can definitely give up the opiate addiction. Many people have done it. But that person has to really want it. You can't force anyone to quit, that's for sure. You can help them stay sober but it has to be something they want or it will never work.
    If you do another drug test, I would watch him pee. We addicts are sneaky...
    I would recommend that you attend some NA meetings meant for the family of addicts (Nar-Anon). They focus more on you than him. They will help teach you how to cope with his addiction and stuff like that.
    Regular NA or AA meetings for him are a good idea too. They have helped many people to stay clean and it's a good place to start.

    Just so you know, it's not about what You do. It's not really about you doing the right things in the right order etc. It's all about him. If he wants to stay clean, he will. If he wants to use, well, to be honest, there is only so much you can do to stop him. If he really wants to get high, he will find a way. I'd make sure you handle the money & banking/credit cards etc. to limit his temptation. But again, where there's a will there's a way. So if he wants to stay clean he can do it but if he wants to use bad enough he will find a way no matter what you do.
    You said the drug test showed no opiates in his system. So if the drug test was accurate that means that he is not physically dependent on the opiates so at least he shouldn't have to go through the bad physical withdrawals. Was there still benzodiazepines in his system? Those klonopin are just as bad as opiates in my opinion. They messed me up real bad. And the combination of those benzos and opiates is very deadly. Many people have died mixing those 2 drugs.

    Anyway, I'm sorry if anything I said scared you. You can help him stay clean. There is hope. You are doing good things for him. There really isn't much more to can do. It is really on him. If he really means what he said about staying clean, he will continue with the treatment you have laid out - the counseling & meetings etc. It would probably be a good idea for him to work that AA or NA program, do the 12 steps. NA is more suited to drug use but some people don't like to go to the NA meetings and would rather do AA. Either is good though.
  3. spring

    spring Administrator

    Everything Stuck said is what I would have said as well. There's not a whole lot I can add besides the fact that for him, this may be his bottom so maybe he is truly ready to climb out of the hole he's in. Time will tell.

    Also, I'm curious, how did he go about taking that drug test? Were you in the room to watch the urine actually come from his body? This is a must when it comes to an addict.

    Listen, I think it's very important that you find an alanon or naranon group for yourself. This way you can learn from others (who either are or have been there) about what your role in this is. It's good that you are there for support IF he's doing the right thing, but the majority of responsibility needs to fall on him. I'm wondering who tracked down the AA meetings, you or him? I'm also wondering why he isn't the one searching out a therapist? If things don't work out then you could be the one to blame and he shirks the responsibility. I'm glad you got the ball rolling and are helping him but make sure he takes some responsibilitly in his recovery as well.
  4. southerngirl

    southerngirl Member

    Hi. I'm the wife of an opiate addict, too. I first discovered the 'secret' a year into my marriage. That was 20 years ago. I understand where you are coming from, except for one thing. Whatever love I had for my husband has faded into a parenting partnership, companionship, financial support, and nothing more. His 'medicine' destroyed whatever love I once had for him. I stayed, but at a price. He tried many times to stop and after years of failed attempts he is now on a maintenance medication (subutex/bupe) that keeps him steady, but a zombie. I do not have any advice, only my own experience, strength, and hope (ESH). I didn't find and join the alanon family until a few months ago but oh how I wish I had. I spent years doing just what you are doing now - trying to manage his problem. It didn't work. I have been destroyed in the process. I urge you to get to alanon or naranon and begin the process of learning to live your own life, with or without your addict. I chose to stay married, but it has not been easy. If I had had the support of alanon earlier, I would have been surrounded by people who understood, had been there, and knew how to separate the love for the addict from the love for yourself. You must take care of yourself and I can tell you it was not easy doing it on my own.

    You didn't cause his addiction. You can't control it, and you can't cure it. Please go to this forum and do some reading. I think you'll find hope there. You can also find local meetings and I encourage you to go. I was hesitant to go to alanon because I thought it was only for family members of alcoholics, but as the wife of an opiate addict I have been warmly embraced by my local group and I am finally finding my own stability and sanity. I hope you will, too.

    Al-Anon Family Group - Al-Anon Family Group

    (You can find posts by me there, same name. I hope you'll read my whole story in the post titled "Thanks for the 'take what you like' option." There is also a post by me here on this forum titled "what can I expect?")

  5. Bonita

    Bonita Well-Known Member

    coming from an addict, YES, he can stop. Its not easy and take daily diligence. I used most my life. Detox after detox, failure after failure. Now I am over five yrs clean and content with life as it is.

    I want to echo what spring said earlier. You need to supervise that urine if you want the truth. I beat so many urines so easy. But you doing those urines won't keep him clean either. It has to come from him and him alone. Not that he can get clean alone, tried that too myself and failed over and over. Not saying to leave him but do set your boundaries and STICK to them. I feel for you.

    Addiction is harder on our loved ones then us using. We feel little while high, thats why we got high. Cant face the world as it is. feel we are special and don't deserve to have down days, tired or pain in any form or fashion. SO no true though. I will also say the day my family walked out of my addiction is the day I woke up and realized I HAD to do something. Sub, methadone is just dope that is legal. Still steals our soul. Just legal.

    I wish you well and do take care of yourself first.

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