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I was in the neighborhood...

Discussion in 'Detoxing from Methadone' started by sudokudee, May 23, 2015.

  1. sudokudee

    sudokudee Well-Known Member

    ...and decided to drop in.
    I'm now a successful nuclear physicist....no, that's a lie...no fabulous success stories to impress you with....just an old lady with an alcoholic husband and a terminally ill dog....and a ho-hum life. Still with the husband...who is now on disability with loss of health insurance and significant decrease in income. No longer working, he began having episodes of binge-drinking...with lots of damage to furniture, etc. when falling down drunk...broke 2 TV's, bashed in a kitchen cabinet, knocked 2 closet doors off the tracks...and broke the leg/wheel off the bed. Yesterday, the doctor told him that his liver enzymes had shot up and that he has to quit drinking. So half of me is being eternally gullible and thinking "maybe this time" (as I've done 50 billion times already)...but the other cynical half is going "yeah, right...here we go again). The likelihood is slim to none...I've been through this for almost 40 years. Multiple other health crises in the past never stopped him for longer than a few weeks...and not totally sure if he even ever stopped because I have no idea what he does when he's not here....and I can only tell when he's really drunk and have no clue when it's just a couple of beers. Not sure if I've ever seen him sober, to be honest.

    Meanwhile, our elderly dog has an abdominal tumor pressing on his stomach so I have to feed him specially prepared tiny meals of baby food mixed with broth and he vomits up about half of them....so I spend most of my time preparing food/feeding him every 2 hours or cleaning up vomit. But he's still active and doesn't seem to be in pain or uncomfortable....so just trying to maintain right now as long as he still has decent quality of life.

    And...I no longer have long hair...it's about shoulder length now...just to the shoulder. In 2013 I developed pain shooting into my left ear...which turned out to be a hemangioma in the back of my tongue...but a CAT scan was done and they discovered a large brain aneurysm...and then an arteriogram showed a 2nd aneurysm....and I ended up having 7 hours of brain surgery to repair (clip) them and they had to shave about 1/3 of my scalp for the surgery....and I looked like such a sight that I had to end up getting it cut....and my family is now happy that I have a more age-appropriate hair-do now.
    2 weeks later, a teenager totaled my car in the grocery store parking lot (while I was sitting in it but not moving yet)...and then about a month later, I went to the mall to have a cup of coffee with one of my sisters...slipped on some water someone had spilled on the floor in the food court there....and broke my wrist...and ended up having surgery for that (a pin put in).....and long story short, I ended up having a whole host of phobias, feeling like a moving target/vulnerable and developing anxiety about leaving the house, being in the car, fear of medical procedures, etc.

    But, being well-versed in CBT...I make myself go out and drive several times a week...and I actually do fine once I'm out and driving...it's just the prospect of leaving the house causes anxiety. And now, with the sick dog...I'm pretty much stuck here most of the time, taking care of him...but once he's gone, I need to find something to get me out of the house or I fear I'll end up house-bound. And actually, when I DO go out, I always enjoy myself and know it's good for me.

    On the upside, both my sons are now married, both bought homes recently and I finally got a grandchild...a one-year old grandson...though he lives up in NYC so I don't get to see him frequently.

    A few years ago, my younger son and his wife got me a mini-ipad for my birthday and I'm madly in love with it. I spend most of my down time here reading and watching documentaries on it. I became enthralled with that re-make of "Cosmos" with Neil DeGrasse Tyson and spend hours re-watching it and watching old episodes of "Nova" and everything I can find online dealing with particle physics and astrophysics....on Higgs-Boson, particle entanglement, dark matter, dark energy, string theory, M-theory, Einstein....etc. The funny thing is...I have a great deal of difficulty understanding a great deal of it and usually when that happens (like with technology), I develop brain block and just can't focus and give up....but for some reason, I'm obsessed with physics. I think it's because I've always loved puzzles...and physics tries to solve the greatest puzzle of all....the puzzle of everything.
    So at least I'm not going brain-dead while I'm stuck here.

    When my husband broke the bed (fell on it drunk) it was bugging the heck out of me hanging over lop-sided...so I got a bunch of phone books, stacked them up and then lifted up the metal bed frame with one hand and shoved the books under it. Temporary fix....but then about a day later I began to get severe pain in my upper right shoulder/scapula area and right arm and went into a panic....mainly about it not getting better and having to go through what I did in 2004...the MRI, myelogram, surgery, etc. I started having panic attacks over it....so I began begging God...and bargaining with him...if you will just make this something that will get better on its own and not need medical intervention, I promise I will find something to do to help society/other people....just show me a sign, God...any sign.
    And the past few days it's begun to feel better and decreased in intensity....which is very different from what happened before...and the panic receded.
    But I'm stuck in the house...so I thought of ODR...where I used to help people. I'm not particularly religious...but a bargain is a bargain...and you can't just be lackadaisical about these things when you get to my age. Ya know, just in case.

    And finally...in many ways, it sucks getting old. That's my opinion. Yeah, there are a few advantages...you can always pull out the "old lady" card when you do stupid things...hey, I'm an old lady...cut me a break and get off my back. I can just blurt out anything I want and people think it's funny...aww, aren't old people funny? When I have to call the cable company for a problem and they want me to check all the connections I just go, hey, I'm almost 63 and all these wires just confuse me. Just fix this for me...don't torture a poor old lady like me.
    But I truly believe that it wouldn't suck nearly as bad if I'd not taken all those opiates all those years. They helped me to beat the crap out of my body. They masked the pain that would have been telling me to ease up...not lift all those things, not work all those double and triple shifts, etc. There are multiple different abusive substances...but when it comes to opiates...they shut down your body's built-in mechanism to protect your body....allow you to be super-human....and push yourself way past the point you were meant to.

    With this shoulder recently....if I was on opiates, I'd have been cleaning, lifting, hauling grocery bags, etc...but instead, I stayed put in a chair with ice packs on my back most of the time and took it easy. Which is what I should have been doing all those years. I mean...I'm lucky enough to have NO systemic/chronic illnesses at my age. No heart disease, no diabetes, no hypertension. My neurosurgeon considered me to be a great candidate at my age due to this. But musculo-skeletal-wise, I'm not in good shape....and I pretty much have myself to blame. I'm convinced that being in my 60's wouldn't suck nearly as bad if I hadn't been an opiate addict for all those years. I would love to go out and get a job but I'm too terrified. It would be a HUGE trigger for me...especially in the shape I'm now in. It's just way too risky for me....I have to protect what I have left.

    The opiates...and especially the methadone...had huge consequences for me bone-wise....and I was only on it a year. Osteoporosis, bone spurs, etc. The less amount of time on it the better. I think if I could get one do-over wish...it would be to never have touched opiates...especially methadone.
  2. spring

    spring Administrator

    Well HELLO Dee!!! I really missed you around here and happy to see you posting, but do me favor and stop referring to yourself as "old" will ya please? I'm the same age and that makes 'me' old as well.
    My age is something I'm trying to ignore but just like you, my body isnt going to allow that. I recently injured my back and the xray of my lumbar spine area happened to show an abdominal aneurysm. It's small right now but is scaring the hell out me and especially after reading your post...I mean, maybe I have another one or two elsewhere in my body for all I know! For being an addict most of my life, I've been basically healthy until now.
    Your post caused me to decide to ask the Dr to check the rest of my body for abnormal arteries. Were you an IVer? I cant remember.

    Again, I'm really glad to see you here and I hope you will stick around. I miss your helpful posts Dee.
  3. peacenik

    peacenik Administrator

    Yes Dee so nice to hear from you. I'm away on vacation this week and just catching up. With your interest in physics, I wonder if you've seen the movie The Theory of Everything? I bet you'd like it, I did.

    So best of luck, hope you get past any bumps in the road. You're right you know, if I had it to do over again, I would never have taken methadone. But things are put inour path because there's something we need to learn from them. I'm not a religious person, but that I do believe, and I do think we are much stronger having gone through that struggle. Take care Dee
  4. Bonita

    Bonita Well-Known Member

    HEllO Dee,

    Glad to see you around. I will admit I don't come here often myself but do stop in here and there. I agree with Spring about referring to yourself as an "old lady". I am hitting 60 soon myself but still going to have more yrs after. I remember you helping me one night figuring out what I would do for a living. I am now coming up on my 6yr b=day... who would of thought I could stay off opiates for this long. It feels like that life belong to someone else now. Not that I ever want to forget where I came lafrom but surely glad I don't live it anymore.

    Good to see you.

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