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In the shadow of the mountainside..

Discussion in 'Heroin ~ Addiction and Recovery' started by Mikey, Feb 4, 2009.

  1. Mikey

    Mikey Well-Known Member


    This is my first time posting here but I've basically read every new post on the site and it's been very helpful (I thought I'd get an e-mail telling me my username was confirmed, but I guess I just had to log on). There are some very wise people on these forums so I'm hoping I'll be welcome here :)

    ANYWAY... This is Day 4 clean from heroin. I live in Denver (Hi Closerman if you're reading this, you said you were from there too) and smack is super easy to get on the streets. I've been using a minimal amount of suboxone to combat withdrawal (2mg today) but I am not planning on using it longer than I need (I only have 2 more 8 mg pills left, gonna try and make them last a week).

    It really sucks being alone in addiction. I've been smoking 50 dollars a day worth of heroin and life feels so much different (but better, at least morally and in being true to yourself) without having to lie all the time. My girlfriend of 2 years is completely unaware of my addiction, as are all my friends.

    I think a big part of my recovery will be addressing the issues that lead to me using in the first place (an extremely abusive childhood and being absolutely terrified to get therapy/counseling for it). In the past 2 weeks I've been 2 appointments to see a therapist at my school's healthcenter but both times bailed at the last minute (and got charged cancellation fees... grr....) but today for the first time I went. It was really helpful and I have an appointment to go again on Friday so I am crossing my fingers I'll have the strength to accomplish that.

    Drugs have really f'd up my academic career (I used to be a straight A student, up until last semester) along with many other things. I'm a musician and while I was using I rarely picked up my guitar. In the past 4 days without H I've played more than I have than in the past month, and it felt really good. So I am cherishing that.

    Well, I just wrote a lot but I'll be back to update on how my recovery is going. I have a feeling it's not gonna really start to suck until I'm done with the subs, but we'll see. Has anyone else has a good experience when using subs for only 7-10 days? Was the withdrawal bad?

    You guys have given me a lot of strength so far, and since I have no one to talk to about my addiction this is the next best thing.

  2. jdude

    jdude Well-Known Member

    Welcome Mikey. Congrats on a HUGE step.
    Yes the sub is very effective as a short term detox aid. It won't eliminate it, but will help minimize it.

    Be good to yourself...simple excercise, good nutrition and hydration all help.

    The counseling and a support plan is spot on.


    <center>You can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking that caused them in the first place.</center>
  3. painful pill

    painful pill Well-Known Member

    your situation sounds similar to how mine was. i also note during my abuse even when high i didnt enjoy music much. that has changed now that i'm clean.

    jdude is right, its an effective short term aid. being on suboxone is much better in many ways than being on H. but, its just postponing what will come though. whether you draw out a taper a month or go cold turkey, i think adding up the two comes out equal, its the same amount of pain and withdrawal overall. being in college is hard so i think you're doing the right thing taking bits of the pain at a time. my girlfriend of 2 years didn't know either.

    i used subs a few days before i quit h. i think i was using more than you, but day 4 was probably the worst, and i was pretty unfunctional and severely depressed till about day 14 or so,crying at times and having no energy, pain, etc. then for a few days it was the same, like i wasnt getting better and still struggling mentally. then at day 21 i relapsed cause of an extreme breakup and lots of drama. but it was only that one time. it was very unenjoyable and i got sick, i could tell my body didnt want or need it anymore. so i stayed clean after that. now it day 14 from that relapse, so over a month minus that. things are a lot better. my worst moments now would be good times if experienced in withdrawal. im still battling some depression (but some is from the breakup so its hard to tell the two apart), and laziness (procrastinating, just wanting to sit around) although it is mental, not the physical kind during withdrawal where it really is hard to move at all.

    its really hard to go through. probably the hardest thing in my life i went through. i quit tobacco at the same time, was clean from it 2 weeks but relapsed and been using it a lot, but plan to re-quit soon. still even with nicotine crashes i dont feel too bad. just bored and lazy a lot, but its getting slowly better.

    keep at it, you will be happy you did (and that is an understatement).

    If I let you, you would make me destroy myself. in order to survive you, I must first survive myself. I can sink no further, and I cannot forgive you. theres no choice but to confront you, to engage you, to Erase you.
    there is no other choice.
  4. Mikey

    Mikey Well-Known Member

    Thanks for responding guys. It has been really hard trying to convince myself to stay clean. It's funny... I live with a friend who's parents own the condo we are in and the previous two roommates who have lived in my room have succumbed to heroin addiction. At least I didn't end up shooting it but it's almost like I can feel the negative energy. I've found that being home is a stressor for me but I don't know what to do about it. I don't really like where I live for a number of reasons (it's weird living with a couple, as they end up "taking over" the whole apartment (which is small anyway) and they have a dog that I hate that barks all the time and they refuse to walk it or toilet train it for fear of being "caught" with a dog in the apartment. So most of the time I end up just staying in my room because they never go anywhere and they spend the whole time watching TV (and I rarely if ever watch TV)... But anyway... this is probably just me making excuses to use and blaming other people. I just needed to rant a little bit because sometimes it really bothers me living in a super messy apartment but I guess it's just me trying to "control" everything. I need to learn to just let some things go. I guess I'm just irritable from the opiates.)

    Today has been hard for me and for a couple hours I was seriously debating not taking anymore sub so I'd be able to use again. I can't let that happen though. I want to be able to feel happy again and doing heroin is not going to result in that. Do you ever feel as if you want to scream at sooo many people for what they've done to you? I have a lot of hate built up over the years that I've swallowed and digested with heroin. Now it's alllll coming back. *bleep* heroin *bleep* my past *bleep* *bleep* *bleep*.

  5. mtgoat911

    mtgoat911 Well-Known Member

    hey mikey, i gace up my herion habit in 03, but i remember how hard it was getting off of this drug, please get yourself to an NA meeting, that way you will not be going at this alone
  6. Mikey

    Mikey Well-Known Member

    I'm a bit scared about going to an NA meeting. Plus I have no transportation to get myself to one :( Let me look on google and see if there are any close. That might be helpful.
  7. Mikey

    Mikey Well-Known Member

    Well I found a meeting close by but it only meets on weekends. Perhaps I'll go on Saturday. What are they like? I've never been to one. Will I have to do anything special as a first-timer? I'd prefer to just observe the first time.
  8. jdude

    jdude Well-Known Member

    As the newcommer..you'll be the most important person in the room that night.Pick up some info...maybe get a few phone numbers.
    If there's a meeting sooner that you'd like to attend, look on the site for some contact info. My bet is the transportation issue will be resolved.

    Any support plan will pay off big time.

    <center>You can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking that caused them in the first place.</center>
  9. painful pill

    painful pill Well-Known Member

    hey Mikey, glad you enjoyed my posts. you must have seen the weakness of myself for the first few weeks, i was a mess. strength comes with time and some little successes here and there. i didnt have much at first. and its about brain chemistry too. with time of abstinence, your body "needs" it less and less, cravings get better, easier to deal with.

    NA meeting: well i was a bit hesitant too. it feels awkward at first then almost like home and it was shocking to hear such similarities between us there. i never got into the religious stuff, well they call it spiritual, but it was worth it so much. i met a nice guy and hes my sponsor now. i can call him anytime about anything, and he calls me too for help with stuff sometimes. not just about drug cravings but life stuff, and good stuff. i highly recommend a meeting man. it helped me a lot.

    If I let you, you would make me destroy myself. in order to survive you, I must first survive myself. I can sink no further, and I cannot forgive you. theres no choice but to confront you, to engage you, to Erase you.
    there is no other choice.
  10. jb99fidelis

    jb99fidelis Well-Known Member


    i responded to your post on diet stuff in the other forum....

    Congrats on being clean, we'll get through this together


    "wherever you go, there you are"
  11. Mikey

    Mikey Well-Known Member

    Well I woke up this morning just laying in bed and thinking of ways to get money to score (I maxed out my credit card overdrawing money for drugs...) but then I signed on here and reading all these comments really helped get me back on track again. Thanks everyone.
  12. jdude

    jdude Well-Known Member

    The best single dollar I ever spent was putting it in a jar next to the coffee pot at an AA meeting. The 'return on investement' could make a stock broker's head spin.[:u] Make sense?:)

    <center>You can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking that caused them in the first place.</center>
  13. Mikey

    Mikey Well-Known Member

    Guys I'm in a jam. I pretty much gave in to my craving and got ahold of some money and was running out to catch the bus they goes downtown (it's a 45 minute ride) but for some reason it came a few minutes early today and right as I got to the stop I see it pass by from the other side of the street. Soooooooo angry but I know it is probably a miracle. I even had it going through my head to call up the transportation company and yell at them for not keeping to their schedule. I haven't taken any sub today because I've been wanting to smoke some H. This might be a good time to take the sub...
  14. Mikey

    Mikey Well-Known Member

    My choice now is to either take the sub and head to class or to wait an hour for the next bus. Don't know what to do :\
  15. Parachute

    Parachute Well-Known Member

    Mikey...your habit is only going to get worse if you keep using....sub will take an edge off the cravings..Going to class and doing what you are suppposed to do will help you feel better bout yourself....also, you wanna be in WD before taking sub. My advice, put 2mgs of sub in your pocket and GO TO CLASS!!!!


    All Best
  16. Mikey

    Mikey Well-Known Member

    This is day 5 with no H, I'm starting to feel the withdrawal from the sub as I've been using them off and on. I know if I take the sub then it will block the H and I won't have to do it. Something is keeping me from taking it I don't know what (well i do know what- my addiction!. Though I don't wanna put all the fault on that because the addiction is still a part of me.)
  17. Mikey

    Mikey Well-Known Member

    I have a job interview later today too that I'm nervous about. I feel like if I go in there without H in my system I'll look frantic and not get it. I'm a VERY functional addict and I need to learn I can do well unmedicated.
  18. Parachute

    Parachute Well-Known Member

    YOu are exactly correct. SOOO..you either want to keep heading toward a future and your life, OR, you want to continue to be ruled by your addiction..IT IS A CHOICE. You ahve all the tools you need to move toward freedom from Heroin.
    I had a million dayz with SUB in my hands that i did not wanna take it cuz I wanted to wait to score, exactly where you are today. There is no way out with DOPE, the water gets colder and deeper. How deep do you want to get? DOpe will happily steal your time, your happiness and your life...I am 38, sober seven months today..started at 14..How old would you like to be, how much more pain do you need to be in? Its all out there for ya...Being an addict is controllling your life..If you did not have to worry bout dope, you would just be at class like a normal student on a Thursday...Dope is controlling your life at every turn....GO TO CLASS..be productive Mikey...

    All Best
  19. Mikey

    Mikey Well-Known Member

    10 minutes till the next bus...

    Man. I can't believe where I am right now. I used to get "high" off of playing music but ever since these drugs took over my life that hasn't been the case. I wish it were. I've been on tour, gotten radio-play, played with some very famous national acts, I've had such a fulfilling life and I'm just wasting it on tar. I haven't played a show in awhile because of this but I have one exactly 1 month from tomorrow and I'm nervous as hell about it. I used to -never- be nervous about performing. It's a big show too, 1000+ people, yet I am fearing it like the apocalypse even though I know I'll do fine. I think I'm just scared about playing sober.
  20. Mikey

    Mikey Well-Known Member

    T-minus 5 minutes.

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