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In the shadow of the mountainside..

Discussion in 'Heroin ~ Addiction and Recovery' started by Mikey, Feb 4, 2009.

  1. Mikey

    Mikey Well-Known Member

    Well I can already tell I'm making progress. I used to weigh ~145 and I'm a pretty skinny guy as it is but at my deepest point in using I went down to below 120. Last week I was at 128 and now I'm at 132. I guess eating well and normally is paying off, and I'm feeling a lot better. I have about 10 more pounds to gain though so we'll see how long that takes. My appetite is finally back. I'm eating like twice as much as I was while using.

    I'm starting to look like a non-user too. Man, for awhile I did look like a "heroin addict". Gaunt face, skinny, no color. I'm glad it's coming back.

    We made a gentleman's pact
    No 'stoppin no 'lookin back
    lace those shoes.
    Take the first step take
    the next step that a boy it's never too soon.
     
  2. Mikey

    Mikey Well-Known Member

    Oh, I'd also like to add that this could have been primarily due to my coke use. I haven't really mentioned it, because it didn't seem like the real problem, but I used coke every day too with my heroin. I'm sure that had an effect on my appetite. I don't know what it is, I'm not a big fan of coke by itself, and heroin by itself just seems boring. The two of them though are perfect. No comedown from the coke, no drowsiness from the H. I suppose that might be the reason it is so addictive.

    We made a gentleman's pact
    No 'stoppin no 'lookin back
    lace those shoes.
    Take the first step take
    the next step that a boy it's never too soon.
     
  3. Trigger

    Trigger Well-Known Member

    ohh Mikey-- seek help. you really want off badly, but you can't do it all by yourself.

    if you're shelling out dough for this, i BEG you to research ibogaine. especially if detox centers are just going to feed you sub. ibogaine, Mikey.
    recently i've seen it work miracles for H and meth addicts who had no *bleep*ing chance previously. it flys in the face of western medicine, but i really do believe it works. You live close enough to Mexico, to make this treatment (kind of) affordable.

    just do the research. PM me if you'd like more info.
     
  4. Mikey

    Mikey Well-Known Member

    Ha. I would totally do it if it was up to me. Problem is it's not... I don't think my insurance will cover ibogaine... And right now even though they pay 80% that 20% I pay still adds up. I'd be wary of using cheap ibogaine treatment and I doubt insurance will cover that...

    We made a gentleman's pact
    No 'stoppin no 'lookin back
    lace those shoes.
    Take the first step take
    the next step that a boy it's never too soon.
     
  5. Mikey

    Mikey Well-Known Member

    omg... So a week ago today I attempted to check into a recovery center, but unfortunately everywhere was full and the earliest I was going to be able to get in would have been tomorrow (thursday). Well I just got a phone call and now the earliest I can get in is going to be at least next wednesday. A WHOLE 'nother week. This is complete BS.

    We made a gentleman's pact
    No 'stoppin no 'lookin back
    lace those shoes.
    Take the first step take
    the next step that a boy it's never too soon.
     
  6. Mikey

    Mikey Well-Known Member

    alright, here's an update. So the recovery place I've been looking at doesn't seem like it will work out but I found another program that is open and they have space for me so I have an intake appointment on monday and that should be it! Unlike the other one which is 28 days (though I wouldn't be able to stay the full amount if I wanted to still go to school) this program is 2 weeks inpatient. It incorporates medical as well as holistic and psychological therapies. So they do detox patients with suboxone (though I don't know if I will need this since I am basically (nearly) clean. I've used a couple times in the past week and I will go through some withdrawals, but my use has been very small compared to the past. Subs would probably just upregulate my receptors at this point). The program focuses a lot on physical activity as a means to recovery. Every day during the 2 weeks you do 3-4 hours of physical activity. They do hikes, sports, etc. They've got a climbing wall and a bunch of sports related things you can do, so it should be fun. They are not based on a 12 step program but instead do psychotherapy and that. Oh, and they have acupuncture! I've always wanted to try acupuncture out so I'm excited about that :p

    I think in a way it is fortunate that the other place didn't have room for me because I think this program will be a better fit. I was kind of planning on leaving the 28 day program after 2-3 weeks anyway so I could still have the option of going to school, but at least this program IS a 2 week program and is tailored to be a 2 week program. This also allows me to be able to move into my new place on the 1st, which would have been an issue with the other program. And it allows me to register for classes which I need to do on the 3rd (the day I check in). So basically I can get done with all the things I need to get done with, then go focus on recovery for 2 weeks and get back just in time to start school if I feel I am ready.

    I know 2 weeks is not nearly long enough to get the amount of help I need so I am planning on still seeing my addiction specialist and counselor once I am out. Maybe I will even enroll in an intensive outpatient program. The important thing right now though is getting clean and going inpatient so I can get more clean time under my belt as opposed to 1-2 days clean then using, 1-2 days clean then use, etc. I need to learn how to live life clean and I think I can only accomplish this by going in patient.

    We made a gentleman's pact
    No 'stoppin no 'lookin back
    lace those shoes.
    Take the first step take
    the next step that a boy it's never too soon.
     
  7. kunzite52

    kunzite52 Well-Known Member

    How long I have waited for this post. And it was not just luck that the other place had no bed!!!!!!![;^)] Coincidence??? And your parents are behind you and you will be getting acupuncture, one thing I always BELIEVED works, as it has for thousands of years, if that is not proof enough! This place sounds perfect for you. I bet you meet up with other musicians as well. And the after treatment, after IP, you are already thinking about that. This is not only GREAT to hear but will also help with your Court case.

    All this in place, make sure you get a letter from the IP place to take to COURT!!!! MAKE A NOTE OF THAT. And then from your counselor at school as well, start a folder and be prepared for Court. Do your parents know about the Court thing???? It cannot hurt to have them there, even have your counselor there (from school) if she is willing to go. The more people that are in your corner the better.

    BUT BEST OF ALL IS THAT YOU DECIDED WHAT YOU NEEDED TO DO AND YOU ARE DOING IT. THAT IS WHAT IT TAKES FOR RECOVERY. No one could have done that for you Mikey, and it seemed that your life, if you read from post one has led you directly to the correct place. All is well with you and I AM SO VERY VERY PROUD OF YOU. I will sleep well tonight knowing your plan.

    Much respect and keep up with your music.
    Oh I absolutely have to post this thing on music for you, it will blow you away. Sorry it is a little long, but it will go directly to your heart.
    Always your friend,
    annie :)[xo]:)
    Sorry this is not directly related to recovery, but I have to share this with you Mikey!

    Welcome address to parents of the freshman class at Boston Conservatory given by Karl Paulnack, pianist and director of the music division at the Boston Conservatory.

    One of my parents' deepest fears, I suspect, is that society would not properly value me as a musician, that I wouldn't be appreciated. I had very good grades in high school, I was good in science and math, and they imagined that as a doctor or a research chemist or an engineer, I might be more appreciated than I would be as a musician.

    I still remember my mother's remark when I announced my decision to apply to music school-she said, "You're WASTING your SAT scores." On some level, I think, my parents were not sure themselves what the value of music was, what its purpose was. And they LOVED music, they listened to classical music all the time. They just weren'
     
  8. Mikey

    Mikey Well-Known Member

    Thanks Anne, I really appreciated reading that piece about music.

    We made a gentleman's pact
    No 'stoppin no 'lookin back
    lace those shoes.
    Take the first step take
    the next step that a boy it's never too soon.
     
  9. guinevere64

    guinevere64 Well-Known Member

    dear annie, how is this post not related to recovery? ... art is critical to my own personal recovery...

    i used to think my "medication" allowed me to practice my art. now i can see the multitude of ways it barred me not only from technical proficiency but also from the conceptualization that has to take place before art can happen... and in the process of art-making...

    my hp is integral to that conceptualization, and the process of creation.

    [xo] G
     
  10. kunzite52

    kunzite52 Well-Known Member

    Oh Guin, I love you so much my sister![xo][xo][xo][xo][xo][xo]
    You know Guin, when I am in my garden with my flowers (pruning, weaving vines, weeding) I am not conscious of time. When I sketch hours can pass and I am unaware. My friend who is dying of cancer, paints her pottery, she says it works better than any pain medication, that when painting she forgets about the cancer. Yes ART is so important. Thanks for that though, God I love you![;^)]
    Love annie

    <center>MIKEY YOU ARE AWESOME YOU GO TO IP AND YOU WILL MAKE IT YOU WILL!</center>

    Life is a song Mikey, might as well sing it heh!

    Anne
     
  11. Mikey

    Mikey Well-Known Member

    Well, I'm getting ready to check into IP tomorrow. This weekend was productive, I moved into my new place and got re enrolled at university (was able to get my classes back too that they had dropped me from). I've been bummed out lately, particularly because of losing my girlfriend of 2 years. The whole thing has been confusing and sad. I went to California with her in the beginning of June we had a great time she cried and cried when I had to leave and cried when she dropped me at the airport because I wouldn't see her for 2 months, and then less than a month later she does a complete 180 and decides she doesn't want to come see me (she was supposed to come out for a long weekend, I'd bought her a plane ticket) and that she doesn't want to be in a relationship anymore. Totally out of the blue. I guess there's nothing I can do about so it's not use getting so upset. But not only did I lose my girlfriend but I lost my best friend. We never fought, hung out all the time, had so much fun together, were perfect together, and then BAM all gone. She doesn't want to talk she wants to be alone I basically just got erased.

    It sucks.

    *bleep* it, I'm a *bleep*ing good looking guy who has one hell of a guitar playing skill. Time to move on. 'Her loss.

    We made a gentleman's pact
    No 'stoppin no 'lookin back
    lace those shoes.
    Take the first step take
    the next step that a boy it's never too soon.
     
  12. kunzite52

    kunzite52 Well-Known Member

    Her loss love! And when you do find someone may you be c/s and WANT not need that person and visa versa. Good luck tomorrow sweetheart, I know you will do well. Music is your savior now, and just think how well you will play c/s, the musical ideas will blow you away! Oh by the way have you written that song about her yet&gt;...[8D]

    Much love and all the best'
    annie :)[;^)]

    Anne
     
  13. Mikey

    Mikey Well-Known Member

    I'm walking out the door, late as usual. See ya all in 2 weeks!!!

    We made a gentleman's pact
    No 'stoppin no 'lookin back
    lace those shoes.
    Take the first step take
    the next step that a boy it's never too soon.
     
  14. Mikey

    Mikey Well-Known Member

    :)

    Damn I just checked this site out after almost a year and realized my last post was me going off to rehab, so I think an update is in order... So, like I said, I did indeed go to an inpatient program for 2 weeks in August. It helped a bit, but I wasn't quite ready to give up using at that time. I got out, was given a script for suboxone and began taking that. Life was good, hell I was high from the subs almost every day. After about 2 weeks I drank for the first time, and it only took a week after that before I was using again.

    I began injecting both heroin and cocaine for the first time ever. I pawned my guitars for dope money (something I said I would NEVER do). I stole from my family, my friends, my baby sister. I ****** my semester up, ****** myself up, and wanted to die. Luckily after that first stint in rehab I finally had some sober friends, I was going to some meetings and hanging out with some sober people and out of the blue one night I decided I couldn't take it anymore. This was in late october after a couple months of shooting coke and heroin every day. I called a friend of mine and he gave me a ride to detox and back to the same treatment center I went to in August.

    This time was a bit different. I finally had come to the realization about my condition, how I can't drink, how I can't smoke pot (two things that after the first time in rehab I was still committed to doing). I actually did the work in rehab and for the first time in my life was warming up to the possibility of living completely sober. No suboxone, no pot, no drinking, no prescription pills.

    I got out of rehab this second time and began attending meetings. Now, there are many different ways to get sober and I tried almost all of them. 12 step meetings seemed to help me. I got a sponsor for the first time and started working the steps. I COMPLETELY surrounded myself with sober people, drowned myself in them. I have a tendency to isolate as most addicts do and I really needed to come out of my comfort zone and put myself in situations I did not want to be in.

    I relapsed a few more times through the next couple months but the important thing is I KEPT going back and kept being honest and kept working recovery. And guess what? It worked.

    Today I am totally sober. No pot, no suboxone, no antidepressants clouding my mood, no drinking, NOTHING. I am happier than I have ever been. Looking back a year ago and where I was this is nothing short of a miracle. I NEVER imagined I could live a life sober and clean and be happy. I knew I had to quit using, but I thought I was making a huge sacrifice in quitting and that I would never be happy again but that I needed to quit because then I would die. How wrong I was. I am so much happier today clean than I ever was using. I have people who genuinely love me, my family trusts me, I have great friends that I can go to when I need help. I play MUSIC again and am so grateful for it. I had to leave my old band because some of the members had addictions of their own but I started a new one and it is taking off.

    Again, I just cannot believe how everything is worked out. I am so grateful. If you are suffering from active addiction you CAN get clean. I never thought it was possible for me but I did it. Now, life is not always rosy and peachy, I have my problems but for the first time my immediate reaction is not to use when things occur. That is a gift from God.

    Thank you to everyone who has supported me through this journey. This forum was an outlet for me and my recovery before anything else. Looking back through the posts I can't believe how afraid and terrified I was of living. While in active addiction I feared everything, I feared living. Today I don't.

    If you're trying to get clean please keep trying. It is totally worth it :):):)

    Love,
    Mikey
     
  15. Parachute

    Parachute Well-Known Member

    YA MAN!!! So so good to hear from you Mikey.. I remember you well. That post above sums up how so many of us feel. Afraid, we think sobriety is one thing, and it is quite another ain't it tho??? YA MAN....life is soo good clean and sober. I went thru almost exactly what you did, all of us are so similar on some levels...Thought that drinkin and pot was ok, not surprisingly right back to the OXY....over time, I drank and smoked pot and didn't go to oxy..so, I thought, NO PROBLEM..WRONG!! ANy using of anything takes me into emotional hell!! Now, I couldn't have known that without recovery...When I was goin in and out of heavy relapse I KEPT GOING TO THE MEETTINGS>.and tryng to discover the new life they spoke of....Best thing I ever did..Today, I ahve a brand shiny *** new life, just like you!! RECOVERY ROCKS< ANYONE CAN HAVE IT....beats the crap out of beating the crap outta myself with addiction!! Your right, life isn't always roses just cuz we are sober, life is still life. I just have a constructive, positive way to deal iwth ANYTHING that comes along..I have love, friendship,peace, support, and I even like myself.....Life is good. Glad to see you Mikey, I wrote to you a lot when you were in the woods. I felt a connection to you as I went thru so many of the feelings you used to share...
     
  16. Mikey

    Mikey Well-Known Member

    For sure Parachute, recovery does rock. I've gone through a lot so far in recovery but it's only made me stronger. I made the mistake of getting a relationship with 30 days clean and it was a big mistake... (I'm no longer in it, I should have listened when everyone told me not to do it, but I learned from the experience.)

    It's good to hear from you too, I'm glad you're doing well.
     
  17. guinevere64

    guinevere64 Well-Known Member

    Damn, Mikey, I'm glad you showed up to let us know how you are. I've been praying for you...

    Well done, my boy.

    :D

    love, --G
     
  18. teddyb

    teddyb Well-Known Member

    Great news, Mikey! So glad you have done this for yourself! Your story will be a great inspiration to others who come to ODR looking for their way out of addiction to recovery! Thanks for sharing and again, congratulations! Hugs
     
  19. kunzite52

    kunzite52 Well-Known Member

    Mikey you are back and sober, I nearly fell off my chair when I saw your thread came up. I so remember that woman at the detox center (who greeted me FOUR times to let Mikey back in AGAIN). She told me, "it takes a few times for them to get it right hon". I will never forget her saying that to me. Thinking that last time, I HOPE THIS IS THE TIME HE GETS IT RIGHT! Such a true story isn't it? And that you found the way, that you cut through the need to isolate, that it got worse before it got better, these are the facts of addiction. But where you are now, drowning in recovery, this is the fact of sobriety. I am so proud of you Mikey, I remember so well going back and forth with you. Mostly cause you had my son's name, but nonetheless, more importantly you were reaching out here. And here is the first place so many come, cause it is not face to face, but now it is face to face with you. Thank you for telling us what has been going on, that we know you are safe and happy makes us all happy. Much love to you brave soul, and welcome back to life!
    With heartfelt congratulations on one tough journey.
    annie
     
  20. Mikey

    Mikey Well-Known Member

    'Can't sleep so I came here to post something.

    Today was a weird day. A friend of mine from the program got in a car accident a couple days ago, went to the hospital, was subsequently released from the hospital later that night and then died at home. There's no foul play suspected and from what I hear he died sober, but I always thought toxicology tests took a couple weeks to get the results from so I don't know.

    It's just been really weird and I was already not doing very well today and that news kind of put me over the edge. I've never had someone pass away who I was close to before. It's very odd. I wanted to use tonight, and was going to. Luckily God stepped in and I didn't (I am very thankful. We had a bottle of codeine cough syrup in our house, and it's been there the past month, and it was there this morning, but when I went to check if it was still there tonight it had vanished. I'm so thankful for this because I don't know what I would have done if it had been there.)

    I'm tired but I can't sleep. My mind is running a million miles a minute and I've been getting sick and haven't been sleeping or eating well the past few days so I'm getting vulnerable. I know this will pass but I want it to pass immediately. My sponsor is in Boston for the next few days and I've been talking to him on the phone but I wish he was here.

    Ugh. Sometimes I'm not so sure about being sober. I know when these times come it's all bullshit in my head and my addict talking but that doesn't change the fact that I do have moments where I seriously considering using. It would be the dumbest thing in the world if I did and I DO NOT WANT TO USE but sometimes I think about it. All I can do is be grateful that I haven't used and hold on to that. I'll make it through this. Please keep me in your prayers if that's something you do. If not, then channel some good energy my way, I could use it right now.

    Hoping for some sleep tonight
    -Mikey
     

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