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In the shadow of the mountainside..

Discussion in 'Heroin ~ Addiction and Recovery' started by Mikey, Feb 4, 2009.

  1. Mikey

    Mikey Well-Known Member

    And one other thing I want to add is that I hate sudafed. I took some today because I've had really bad allergies (I never used to, I think my body is still over-sensitive from being on opiates for so long) and took a bunch of it. Now it's keeping me awake and cracking me out. I don't like it.
  2. Mikey

    Mikey Well-Known Member

    Gonna go and try to lie down for a bit. Don't know if I'll get any sleep. This has been the worst night so far in my recovery but I know it will pass.
  3. AumuA

    AumuA Well-Known Member

    Hey man, I don't remember if I ever posted in your thread before, but I did follow it and when I read your return post I actually clapped my hands together, threw my arm up in the air and said "YES!"

    That is real growth I see in that post. You are a living testament. I don't know what to say about your friend. It does sound weird and possibly confusing as hell but I do know that each difficult experience we live through without picking up gives us another life tool that we can use again and again. Besides, speedballs are going to help how? Lol right!
  4. Trigger

    Trigger Well-Known Member

    hey mikey-- remember me?

    i was also stoked to read your update. it's amazing, because i have to admit that when you disappeared for so long, i thought the worst. i prayed for you, man... and it's weird that you even stuck out in my mind, but you did.

    you got sober! you did it!

    it's a big ******* deal, and you don't want to blow it over a weird night. death is hard, but your fallen pal wouldn't want you to go out over this.

    and it's not worth it, because getting high won't help your situation at all. like you said, you're finally able to live life without fear... you're able to face things! that hit me hard when you wrote that, because it's more than i'm able to do right now.
  5. Mikey

    Mikey Well-Known Member

    I got a few hours of sleep last night. I'm feeling much better right now. Things do pass, feelings pass, the urge to use does pass. I'm super grateful to be sober today.
  6. Parachute

    Parachute Well-Known Member

    Awesome Mikey....It is really true, however we feel..good bad, very good , very bad will change, will pass, will become something else. When I stay clean and allow myself to experience the feelings, to go thru them...I grow stronger, I have renewed understanding of acceptance....It is Ok, you are OK. If I have ten problems, and I use, I have 1000 problems.
    Good for you, thanks for updating that you are getting thru it..Important message for all of us!
  7. guinevere64

    guinevere64 Well-Known Member

    Glad you got some sleep.

    It's all attitude...

    Anyone else you can call? Anyone else you can hang with? love, --G
  8. Mikey

    Mikey Well-Known Member

    Ya guin, I'm gonna be hanging out with some sober people today. I'm training to become a rock climbing instructor with this non-profit that fosters a sober, active community through the Denver area. Basically we provide free events like rock climbing, mountain biking, trips, running, etc for free to people committed to recovery. It's a lot of fun and a great group of people I get to hang out with and be active with all the time. I absolutely love rock climbing and now I get to do it with other addicts and alcoholics so it's a great way for me to do what I love and get out of myself at the same time.

    God how my life has changed lol.
  9. Parachute

    Parachute Well-Known Member

    Your life has changed so much Mikey..It is AWESOME BROTHER!! I rmember you sneaking out your damn window to go score dope at 2am and getting beat, or almost busted, or both....Do'nt got to worry bout that NO MO!! Ya man!
  10. guinevere64

    guinevere64 Well-Known Member

    Glad you're not taking those buses downtown anymore. Damn.

    What a great thing you're doing for other people. Fitness is so important in recovery, is my opinion.

    Be careful on the rocks. love, --G
  11. Mikey

    Mikey Well-Known Member

    Ha Parachute, I'd forgotten about that until you just said it. That's good, I need to always remember how bad it got.

    And now I don't have to take buses at all! I have a car! Now that I'm sober I don't bleed money every day and can afford things like that.
  12. Mikey

    Mikey Well-Known Member

    Well, decided to check back in. Saw the last time I posted here was almost 2 years ago so figured I'd give you all an update. Sooo let's see, what's happened... Well I haven't stayed clean this whole time. I tried the geographical cure and moved to the mountains to grow weed and snowboard everyday, that worked for awhile but as soon as I moved back to Denver I went back to using heroin. I went to treatment again in august of 2011. 'Got put on suboxone and stayed on that for about 4 months occasionally going to meetings, still growing weed, but not using hard drugs. Around November I decided to get off the subs. I tapered down but still went through pretty bad withdrawals and of course with my addict mind I decided to use heroin in small amounts just for a little bit to get off the subs... Needless to say that didn't quite work out and I was back in treatment at the end of February.

    So where am I now?

    Almost 90 days clean, off EVERYTHING, I go to a meeting everyday, have a sponsor, and am working steps. I've tried countless other ways of trying to get off heroin and stay clean and can honestly say that the only thing that has worked has been working a 12-step program of recovery and committing 100% to being sober. I have never had this amount of clean time before, and my life has been improving so fast it is unbelievable. I have a job and am working, I live in an oxford house (which for those who don't know is sober living), am on my 4th step right now, and basically just following the suggestions that people around me have given. Coming out of treatment I really didn't want to go into sober living but it was suggested to me and I did it. I finally got to the point where I am willing to do whatever it takes to stay clean and sober. It took me awhile to get that willingness but I am grateful to have finally gotten it.

    I wish the best to whoever is out there trying to get clean. It was a long journey for me to get where I'm at now but it's been totally worth it. If you're out there suffering please realize that it is possible to get clean and be happy. People told me this while I was trying to quit and I never believed them, but it's true. You don't have to use.

    God Bless ya'all. I'll try and drop in a bit more to let ya know how I'm doing. You guys were great support when I was really struggling and I'm glad that this forum exists.
  13. Mikey

    Mikey Well-Known Member

    Oh and I just wanted to add that is true that your addiction only progresses. When I first posted here I was smoking probably a half gram a day. That lead to me shooting it and then shooting coke with it and I quickly hit bottom. I did things I never said I would do. I pawned all my guitars, I stole from my parents and my baby sister, I lied, cheated, anything to get drugs. I have been extremely fortunate to not have a criminal record but I for sure should. Towards the end I was shooting at least a gram a day of high quality tar and shooting half a gram of coke with it. It's no way to live.
  14. guinevere64

    guinevere64 Well-Known Member

    Mikey, how awesome to see you. Glad to hear about your clean-time and your sober living circumstances. Please let us know how it goes, OK? I haven't forgotten you. big hugs /G
  15. Mikey

    Mikey Well-Known Member

    Dropping it to provide a quick update-

    About 4 and a half months clean. Life is getting better. No longer on a pink cloud anymore but that's okay. I made the mistake of getting involved with someone while I was new to recovery but we decided to stop seeing each other so we could make our sobriety our number 1 priority. So I've been a little sad about that but I know it is the right decision. I wish I woulda listened to my sponsor when he said not to get into a relationship but I guess I just have to learn things the hard way. That's okay though. I didn't drink or use over it so it's allllll good. Plus I really should be focusing on myself and learning who I am and becoming healthy so when I do get into a relationship with someone I will be able to show up for them. Still kinda sucks though.

    Life at the sober house is good. Everyone's pretty chill. We just got a new guy a week ago but he has already relapsed and gotten kicked out. A couple other people are moving out (not because they relapsed but because they are moving on with their lives) so we're about to get a few new people. A little nervous about that but hopefully they'll be cool and want to stay clean.

    Been playing music a lot. Being able to say that makes me :):):):):):):) It's so nice to get back into it all and be working on projects again and creating again. Love it.

    I still hit a meeting pretty much every day, probably an average of 5.8 meetings a week. I'm fortunate to have a job so that keeps me pretty busy too. Lately I've been getting a lot of reminders about how REAL this **** is. A couple of my friends who had relapsed killed themselves in the past couple weeks and I've seen a lot of people go out. It sucks but it reminds me just how much I don't wanna return to the life I was living. Life isn't perfect, but it's good and getting better. Yeah, sometimes I go through bouts of sadness thinking about past girlfriends and past mistakes I've made but I try to focus on moving forward. I've been working with my sponsor and am on my 4th step. It's getting completed... probably not as fast as it could be going but progress not perfection, right?

    What else.... One thing I've learned that the best way to grow spiritually and just in general is to do things that are out of your comfort zone so I try to challenge myself with that every day and it's been helping. Peace guys, take care, much love to you all.

  16. Mikey

    Mikey Well-Known Member

    And damn, just reread this whole thread. Talk about insanity. I've changed so much from when I first tried to get clean. Damn I couldn't make it past 24 hours for the life of me. Kinda sad how much I was in my disease. So glad to be out of it. Sooooo glad. Gonna go to sleep grateful tonight.
  17. AumuA

    AumuA Well-Known Member

    Hey good news, it's nice to see some. Your words make sense, your attitude makes sense. Yeah, I know, you talk the talk and everything but with you I know the knowledge comes from within. Keep doing that work, you're going to wake up more.
  18. Mikey

    Mikey Well-Known Member

    6 months today!

    Let's see... Life is good. Not without it's challenges but I'm learning to cope. In the past month my dog died, my car died, and I just lost my wallet a few days ago but it's all good. If I were using any of those events would have been an excellent excuse to freak out but today I can respond in a healthy way. I'm still going to a bunch of meetings, 5-6 a week, still working with a sponsor (I just finished my 4th step and am gonna 5th step it in a couple days), and still living at the sober house. I am hoping to go back to school to finish my degree in the Spring, I only have like a year left so it's something I'd like to accomplish. Until then I've just been working a lot and focusing on staying sober. I went through a little phase of trying to use women to make myself feel better but I learned from that mistake and from dating early in sobriety so for the moment I am just gonna focus on myself and try to make it to that 1 year mark before I get into a relationship. I've found that the saying unhealthy people attract unhealthy people is rather true...

    But anyway, hope all of you guys are doing well. It gets better. 6 months ago today I was sitting in rehab for the 4th time and wondering what the **** was wrong with me. There is a way out. Peace.

  19. Mikey

    Mikey Well-Known Member

    Almost got high today. 7 months clean and I've been struggling the past few days being up in my head and thinking about the future. Went to the park and got some heroin, went home and got it all set to smoke. Stared at it for 30 minutes deciding if I really wanted to do it but then had a moment of clarity and flushed it all. Went to a meeting and talked with my sponsor for awhile so I feel better now though. But damn. That was close. Too close. I don't know why I didn't do it my higher power really helped me out today doing for me what I cannot do for myself.

  20. Robyn

    Robyn Well-Known Member

    Hi Mikey,
    Sorry your struggling right now. I know what it feels like to just want to escape those crappy feelings for a couple of hours...but that's just it, doesn't last more than a couple of hours and then what?

    You've obviously come a long way, congratulations on not throwing it all away. When you have those intense cravings and you don't use, it'll make next time that much easier.

    Glad you posted this. I'm over 5 months clean and sometimes I feel like I shouldn't still be haviing these cravings.

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