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In the shadow of the mountainside..

Discussion in 'Heroin ~ Addiction and Recovery' started by Mikey, Feb 4, 2009.

  1. AumuA

    AumuA Well-Known Member

    Maybe consider doing something different right away. I don't think I have to tell you that you're very close to going back. Is that what you want to do? Cause you don't have to. I just want to let you know that you never have to get high again if you don't want to. Let us know where you're at.
     
  2. Rainier

    Rainier Well-Known Member

    Mikey,

    Yeah - that is way, way close. I'm glad you made the right choice, but it does sound like you maybe need to change things up a bit. Hang in there!

    Aumua's right - you don't have to go back to using if you don't want to. I also get that sometimes that not wanting to is the real trick...but play it through to the end - it might be great in the immediate sense, but where the hell do you go from there? It doesn't ever get any better out there - it only ever gets worse.
     
  3. Mikey

    Mikey Well-Known Member

    Thanks for all the kind words guys. I definitely do need to change some things, the most relevant being I need to get back to work on my steps. I'm on 8 and I have been sitting on it for a bit now, I just have so much fear about step 9. I've always run from all my problems in the past and now I actually have to face them. I think a big part of where this all stemmed from was my addict mind looking for an excuse to get high, and thought "Oh, well if you're gonna get high you should do it before you do step 9 so you don't have to do all those amends and face your past". I talked with my sponsor for awhile about it and shared in meetings a bunch and what I need to do is to just get to work on my step work. I just got a promotion at work and I am starting school in the Spring. I think I've spent a lot of time thinking about the future and what it's supposed to look like instead of staying in the present and keeping my sobriety the most important thing in my life.

    I'm so grateful I didn't use. It's amazing how quickly things change. When I was in that moment in felt like it was my only option, now that I'm on the other side it is so easy to see how many other options I had and how many tools I had to use. I've been in a much more positive head space the past couple days and learned a lot from this experience.

    Hope all of you guys are doing well!
     
  4. Brendenx

    Brendenx Active Member

    And Don't ever forget to call somebody if your in that position again. I was a pro at getting high and then calling my sponsor to talk about it. Although he was accepting, god that was such a shameful experience. And we are not perfect and we do make mistakes but the point is, WE DONT HAVE TO USE. EVER... NO MATTER WHAT.

    I wish I could take my own advice half the time and I probably shouldn't be responding to your close call, but I just really understand where your at. In the last 3 years I have fallen off of 8 months clean, and a couple other times around 3-4 months clean. Every single time, I started slacking off in areas of my recovery. Slow but surely started putting other things ahead of my recovery. That was a big 1... Whatever you put in front of your recovery you will lose... you know that. I Agree with everyone else who is recommending you change some things asap. Its all about change man, constant change. And change shouldn't be smooth and easy and comfortable. I know for me, when I get to comfortable i get complacent. Anyways enough outta me. Proud of you brother, your doing this one day at a time. Keep it up and pleaaaase help another addict at every chance you get. Pce and love

    B
     
  5. Mikey

    Mikey Well-Known Member

    Hey guys, just checkin in real quick. Life is good. Got 9 months clean a few days ago and am so grateful I have the opportunity to actually participate in life. I am going back to finish school in the Spring, all signed for for classes and got really good financial aid so it seems to be in the cards for me. Still going to a ton of meetings and hanging out with sober people. Just started my 9th step and it's going alright... I will be relieved when it's over. Recovery changes you so much. I'm not a completely different person than I used to be, but I do have a completely different attitude and perspective. Reading my posts from the beginning always takes me back and reminds me exactly where I don't want to return.

    Hope everyone is doing well. Happy Holidays!

    -Mikey
     
  6. Mikey

    Mikey Well-Known Member

    Well I wish I could come here and post saying I have a year clean now but sadly that is not the case. I had 11 and a half months and then relapsed for 10 days before OD'ing in a motel room and ending up back in treatment. I got out a couple days ago and am still trying to make sense of all that happened, but I'm not going to give up. It all just hit me out of the blue this time, I was still going to meeting, still working the steps, still being of service, but I woke up one morning and said **** it. Probably the worst time to relapse too, my parents were in Hawaii and had left me in charge of my little sister (she's 15). It didn't take long for her to realize something was wrong and when my mom called me to ask what was wrong I told her the truth. She found my sister a place to stay at one of her friend's houses and I kept on using.

    I am truly a drug addict. Once I start I do not stop until some outside force intervenes. If I didn't have a first step before, I sure as hell have one now. This was the first time I've ever OD'd and it scared the hell out of me. Thank God this only lasted for 10 days. It was bad, but it could have been so much worse. I lost a bunch of money, ****ed up this semester of school, and lost the trust of my family, but those can all be earned back. Not everyone is so lucky.

    So here I am with 16 days again. Trying not to beat myself up too badly. Doing 90 in 90, back working with my sponsor, and willing to do whatever it takes to stay clean. I just want this **** to end. This thread has gone on sooooo long, and documents all the struggles I've had and all the times I've fallen, but at least one thing going for me is that I refuse to give up. I've had a taste of recovery and I want it back more than ever. Please pray for me you guys.
     
  7. AumuA

    AumuA Well-Known Member

  8. AumuA

    AumuA Well-Known Member

    How's it going for you, are you sticking with it? No shame, just pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get going again.
     
  9. Rainier

    Rainier Well-Known Member

    Hey, Mikey.

    I'm really sorry to hear that you relapsed and have been having a tough time. Glad it didn't last long, though, and hoping that you're OK today.

    Hang in there! It will get better.
     
  10. Mikey

    Mikey Well-Known Member

    32 days. Still trudging along.
     
  11. guinevere64

    guinevere64 Well-Known Member

    Hey Mikey... was thinking about you the other day and wondering how it's going for you. Sincerely hoping you're clean today. warm wishes /G
     
  12. spring

    spring Administrator

    It can only get better from here...keep on trudging!
     
  13. Mikey b

    Mikey b New Member

    What's up everyone,

    Not sure if people use this forum anymore... I haven't been here in a couple years. Oh, and it's me Mikey (forgot my password for the original account)

    Wanted to update you guys that I'm over 2 years clean and sober. I do meetings, still live in sober living (oxford house) and made it with the help of a sponsor and meetings.

    I was reading some of my earlier posts (6 years ago! Wow!). It has been such a journey but getting clean is entirely possible. I just wanted to come back here and give anyone struggle a message of hope. I relapsed so many times and struggled so much. I truly couldn't do it on my own.

    My life is really good right now. I am following my dream (am becoming a successful music producer and have worked with a lot of somewhat "famous" artists). Never thought this would be possible.

    So keep your chins up. You can do it :) keep an open mind and listen to suggestions!

    -mikey
     
  14. Fox face

    Fox face Moderator

    Welcome back Mikey, Congrats on 2 years!
     
  15. AumuA

    AumuA Well-Known Member

    You still there? Still rockin it? Come on and post, we need your input. Someone get this guy his account back!

    Grats, Mike!
     
  16. spring

    spring Administrator

    Hey Mikey,
    Just seeing this and wanting to tell you how happy I am to see you doing so great! I hope life is still going well for you. How bout an update?

    If you want to post under your old account, let me know and I'll try to get you in. After all you first came here in 2009 and have almost 300 posts. I think it would be good for others to be able to read the history of your struggle and your success.

    So for those who aren't familiar...Mikey and Mikey b are the same person.
     

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