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Kicking while pregnant? What to do?

Discussion in 'Heroin ~ Addiction and Recovery' started by misky123, Aug 29, 2014.

  1. misky123

    misky123 Member

    I have been addicted to heroin on and off for the past 5 years. I guess mainly on, but I have had a few short stretches of being clean. I recently found out that I'm pregnant. I haven't been to the dr yet to confirm it, but apparently there isn't really such a thing as a false positive on a test. I don't know what to do. I know kicking it myself isn't really safe, but I don't want to go to the doctor and tell them I've been using heroin this whole time. I'm wondering if there's a way to wean myself off relatively quickly before going to the doctor. And then again I wonder if I should just have an abortion and be done with it. Although I've only known about this for less than a week, a large part of me really wants to keep the baby. But what sort of parent would I be? A terrible one, I'm sure. I had an abortion when I was 20 and I don't want to do it again. I don't know if I can make a decision at all. Maybe fate will just step in. I don't know. I just can't tell anyone. I don't want any of my friends or family to find out because then I know they'll pressure me into something one way or the other and I don't need them to think I've screwed up even more than they already know.
     
  2. Bonita

    Bonita Well-Known Member

    detoxing while pregnant is not safe for the baby at all. I suggest you be honest with your MD and think first of the baby. He/she did not play a part in you situation. Maybe do more research and see what your options are. Make your decision with knowledge of how it affects your child/you and life to come.

    I will say.... we are only as sick as our secrets. If you think your family dosnt know something is wrong I can guarantee thats just another lie the dope tries to convince you is so. I wish you well,
     
  3. misky123

    misky123 Member

    My family does know about my addiction. I don't want them knowing I'm pregnant.
     
  4. spring

    spring Administrator

    First know that there are no judgements here...many of us have been where you're at.

    Why do you think you would be a terrible parent? Is it because of your heroin addiction? If that's the case then it sounds to me like the main reason you want to have an abortion is so you can continue on with your active addiction...but since you're having doubts about having an abortion, listen to what your heart is telling you would be my advice. The abortion dilemma is something only you can make a decision on. Make sure you can live with the choice you make and don't do it out of fear of what family and others might think of your pregnancy. Do it only if you truly want it for yourself.

    As for tapering off...Naa, aint gonna happen. To be blunt about it...you will stop using only when you are truly sick of being an addict, not because you're pregnant, or for any other reason. I may be wrong but it doesn't sound like you really want to quit so you won't.. simple as that.
    But if you're hating the life and have the slightest desire to quit then take the steps to get yourself into a detox center immediately. From what I have learned, detoxing is only safe within the first couple months of pregnancy, after that it is not. If you are too far along, the Dr will give you a maintenance drug such as methadone, etc until the birth then they will detox the baby.

    No matter what though...get to a doctor asap. He wont judge you but he can help you. There are plenty of programs out there to help addict mothers so you won't be alone in this if you should decide to get clean and become a mother.

    I hope you will keep us updated on your decisions, your progress, and how it goes for you. Welcome to ODR!
     
  5. misky123

    misky123 Member

    I appreciate the lack of judgment. Although, I do feel I deserve to be judged at this point. I have felt so guilty over the past week, especially every time I use. I have been using more than usual lately just because I don't want to think about what I'm doing at all. I know this is wrong.

    Yes, my addiction is the reason I think I will be a horrible parent. I would not wish that on any kid! I just don't know if I can trust myself to be committed to staying clean. I have tried to do it for others in the past and I never succeed. Then they are just always let down. I don't know if the main reason I'm considering an abortion is because I would feel bad for the child or because I want to continue using. Well, I know I do want to continue using. Sure I get tired of the lifestyle a lot of the times. Last night I convinced myself I would quit and I was done. Then I just panicked and thought, "I need it. I need it. I need it." I was high at the time, but just broke down at the thought of not being high. I just don't know how to live with out it and I have been to rehab and I have tried.

    I don't know how far along I am. I don't even know when my last period was, but I estimated it and according to an online calculator I'm already around 10 weeks. Someone else told me detox is safest during the second trimester. I don't want to be forced onto methadone if I can help it.

    I just feel the doctor will judge me. I would judge me if the roles were reversed. On one hand, I know I should just get over that because it's my fault and now I should just do what's right. I guess I don't even know what right is.
     
  6. bolt

    bolt Well-Known Member

    welcome to ODR,
    Please realize that we all fear detox and failure at detox. All of us have decided we were going to quit after this last shot/hit many times, only to see us getting high time and time again. it is a sicko mind game we play.
    I suggest you get off your high horse and start thinking like a mother..duh
    Your baby needs you to clean up your act .
    If you cant do it for yourself you better do it for the baby..Please realize that this decision will effect the rest of your life.
    Try and see this pregnancy as your wake up call and a gift from god...

    It seems you need to do some research and make a plan...make a date and then tell everyone you know on this date you will stop using ...

    You may also have a better chance of success if you share your problems with a close friend or family member

    I will say a prayer for you!

    You know the right thing to do...you are scared and afraid of failure and of wds....Please focus less on what you want /think and focus more on what is good for you/ your baby...you have been blessed with the gift of life...it is a huge responsibility..

    will you prefer a boy or girl?
    any chance the father is around to help?

    keep us posted please!
     
  7. misky123

    misky123 Member

    I have been through detox before, gone to rehab, done all of it. I fear the actual detox part, but I am more scared of being committed to staying clean. When it was just me I had to be concerned with, it didn't scare me as much. To be honest, I don't actually know what the right thing to do is. I know the right thing to do is to get off the junk, regardless of what I do concerning the baby. I just don't know if I can stay off of it for good. I know all to well that every time I attempt to quit I have ever intention of quitting for good. I'm just more scared this time because if I do fail, someone else other than me has to deal with the consequences, and it's not the same as my family and friends being upset with me...it's a person who depends on me.

    From everything I've researched, I basically have no choice but to get on a maintenance drug if I went to quit H while pregnant. It is too risky to just withdrawal, even if done in the 2nd trimester when it would technically probably be the safest. I don't want to be on a maintenance drug - I'm scared of the withdrawal from that too. And I know at this point I just have to shut up about what I want. Then I wonder am I too selfish to have a child anyway?

    The father is my boyfriend. He does not use nor has he ever. I feel bad that he got mixed up with me. My drug use has always been a huge issue in our relationship and he has broken up with me over it several times, but somehow I always manipulate him into coming back to me. He broke up with me again in July and I promised at that point I would quit. I begged him to come back to me and I would quit. Well, I did quit for maybe 24 hours, but it was too much for me and I couldn't go through with it. I didn't know I was pregnant at the time. I have been hiding the pregnancy from him since I did find out. I was scared of his reaction. Well, I finally told him late last night and he flipped out. So, I have no choice but to call a doctor today because if I don't do it by the end of the day he is going to do it for me. He won't force me to have the baby, but I know he will leave me for good if I have an abortion because he'll know the only reason I'd do that is so I can continue using - and that's the truth. I have always wanted children, but I don't know if my desire to continue using is greater than that.
     
  8. Bonita

    Bonita Well-Known Member


    I hope I didn't come off as judging you.... I don't have a leg to stand on to judge anyone. I will admit I have been in your shoes and I felt the same way. I love your ability to be honest with yourself. I told myself I could not bring a child in this world to have the same life I did and I knew I was not going to stop using.

    I just want to give you a picture of what your life will be in 30 yrs....

    I began using at a very early age... pot first then grew into a junkie. I decided not to have a child due to my addiction. Like you, both reasons played into my decisions. I knew I couldn't stop using and a child would get in the way and I didn't want to my child to be raised by a junkie. I continued to use then all of a sudden I was in my 50's. lost the ability to get high off dope... not the high that would allow me to look at the world through rose colored glasses anymoe. I could barely keep myself out of wd. Got to the point at 51 I was either going to be able to stop using or die by my own hand. Well... here I am now 58, clean for 5 yrs and pretty content in life. I do get a bit blue now and then knowing I have no kids, not married and will die alone in a nursing home. There isn't much I can do about changing that part of my life at my age. All I can do now is try and show another addict that living without opiates is a possibility and be happy/productive/live a meaningful life. This dosnt have to be you... you don't have to grow old alone like I have set up my life. I would love to have kids in my life who care about me, a significant other but I did this to myself and just have to accept it.

    Your younger, have your whole life ahead of you. It dosnt have to be a life that opiates dictates your every move. Trust me... time is running out for you. I hope you don't have to wake up at 51 before your willing to do whatever it takes to reclaim your freedom. But... its totally on you. Your decision. Having a child won't change that, being pregnant won't change your behavior/choices. It has to come from you and you alone.

    Keep posting, Will keep you in my prayers.
     
    Chasin' it likes this.
  9. misky123

    misky123 Member

    Thank you for sharing your story Bonita. I made a dr appointment for the end of next week. I did not tell them anything about my addiction over the phone of course. I am not sure if I should have somehow pushed to get in earlier given the situation, but to be honest, I was hoping maybe they wouldn't have anything open for weeks and weeks. Today I am freaking out about saying goodbye to my drugs. How pathetic, right? I actually cried over it, kissing a bag of H and saying I loved it. I hate myself sometimes. Right now I am having a hard time keeping my eyes open so I'm sorry if this all sounds really stupid. I can't process what I'm typing really, but I think it sounds pretty coherent. Anyway, I always thought if something like this happened to me I would know exactly what I would do and it would wake me up and I'd quit right then. I hate that I am at this point where I actually have to question it so much. This morning I woke up with NOTHING except a few benzos to take - and you know I wanted so desperately to be normal and just go back to sleep I am tired of having to go out at all hours

    I feel so sick today and exhausted, even when I'm high everything on my body is aching so bad and I've snapped at the last 2 people who actually care about me and
     
  10. spring

    spring Administrator

    You're not crazy...You will have to go thru the grieving stages just like you would when losing or saying good-bye to anyone or anything that you love. If you're aware of these stages then you can better deal with them as they come. You can get thru this. It is possible.

    Here are the five stages, maybe you could Google this and get more in depth explanations of these stages. It may help.

    Denial
    Anger
    Bargaining
    Depression
    Acceptance

    Keep posting!
     
  11. misky123

    misky123 Member

    I went to my appointment on Friday and admitted to using heroin. Physically, I can't hide it anyway, and I decided am tired of living this way. I feel like if I did decide to have an abortion I know it will be so I can continue using and I don't want to have to live with that guilt. Anyway, so the doctor didn't seem judgmental at all. He did talk about how serious it is and that I need to stop using the heroin, obviously, but that I needed to get on a maintenance drug right away. He just seemed very concerned and like he wanted to do everything he could to help me. He recommended Suboxone from his experience, which was a relief because that is what I really wanted to use over Methadone. The best estimate right now is that I am about 11 weeks. I don't know exactly when my last period was, but this is per the ultrasound. I guess normally you're not lucky enough to have an ultrasound at the first appointment, but because I had no idea how far along I was, and given the situation, the doctor thought we should have a look. To be honest, I was prepared for the baby to be dead in there, as horrible as that sounds. But anyway, the doctor was worried that there may be a waiting period to get into a Suboxone clinic, but luckily there are several near where I live. I don't know whether it was because he thought I would not do it myself or what, but the doctor actually called around to the different Suboxone doctors to find out which could get me in the first of this week. I couldn't believe it. In a way, I was mad because it felt like too much too soon. I wanted to put it off. I know that is selfish and stupid of me. II had my first appointment yesterday and I was put on 8 mg, with 4 mg to take home if I started to feel withdrawal symptoms later at night. I did have to take it, and the doctor had warned me that most likely I would have to. I had to go back this morning, 24 hours later to be assessed. For today I will be on 12 mg, and then I will go back yet again tomorrow.
     
  12. Bonita

    Bonita Well-Known Member

    Congrats, I know it was a hard step to take but doing the right thing.

    Let me give you a suggestion? Ive been on suboxone. The MD are notorious for over medicating only to make it harder on you once your ready to wean off it. May I suggest you get to a lower dose ASAP. Suboxone is a very strong opiate. Has a affinity towards the receptor 100x stronger then any other opiate avail. 12 is a high dose and very unnecessary. May I suggest you get to a dose of 2 w/in the next few days? Up to you but I do suggest you do some research on this opiate.
     
  13. misky123

    misky123 Member

    They may raise my dose up to 16 mg! I am going to try to get into this other clinic around here that specializes in dealing with pregnancies. It's at least a 2 week wait, from what I've heard. I have to call them tomorrow. I have also heard that Subutex is safer during pregnancy? I am trying to research things, but there is so much information out there and I'm so tired it's like I read it and cannot process any of it.
     
  14. StuckonSubs

    StuckonSubs Well-Known Member

    I wouldn't go up to 16mg. You should really be trying to get your dose as low as possible in my opinion.
    Suboxone is much stronger than heroin. Heroin is roughly as potent as morphine (maybe even less potent in cut street form) and Suboxone is like 30-40 times stronger than morphine!
    8mg of Suboxone is equal to 1/2 gram a day of heroin! (Or 320mg of morphine)
    There is also a ceiling on Suboxone. Your brain can not use or feel a dose above roughly 8mg anyway... If I were you, I'd work at getting stable at 8mg then cut to 6mg then 4mg. That is still a plenty big dose.
    the lower your sub dose, the less of a chance your baby will have to be put on a methadone detox as soon as its born...

    Also, I would make sure that you only take the sub dose ONCE per day. It has a super long half life and taking it more than once a day is completely unnecessary. All taking it 2-3 times a day does is reinforce that addictive behavior on your brain and make it much harder to stop eventually. Trust me, I learned that the hard way! (There is even a warning on reckitt's website (the maker of sub) about not taking it more than once per day).

    Good choice to ditch the H though! I feel that Suboxone is the less of all the opiate evils. But it is very important to try and keep your dose as low as possible. Less is more with Suboxone! Like overseas, the have bupe/sub in doses of .2mg and .4mg. Less is more!
    You will have to go they a bit of un comfort to get stable at 8mg (and then 4mg) But you WILL balance out after a week or 2.

    Anyway... That is just my 2 cents after over a decade on sub. Best wishes to you! Congrats again on ditching the H! That is a big step in the right direction.
     
  15. Elizabeth Gaughan

    Elizabeth Gaughan New Member

    I had to post after reading you're entry. Please, the safest medication for a pregnant woman with addiction to opiates is Methadone. Maybe subutex but certaintly not suboxone. Do some research. I usually don't post, but I just had to after reading you're posts. You won't be sorry if you go to the methadone clinic. Take care, and God Bless.
     
  16. spring

    spring Administrator

    Thanks for your info. The posts from this pregnant woman are from 2014 so it no longer applies to her but the info is good to know for anyone else who may find themselves in this position.

    I can understand the reason for subutex over suboxone, but what is the reason for methadone instead of Sub? Can you expain please?

    By the way "Misky123" ..If you happen to stop in I hope you will update us as to whatever happened with your situation. Did you get on the Sub? Have the baby? Able to stay away from the herion? Please update.
     
  17. peacenik

    peacenik Administrator

    Oh my, going to the methadone clinic is one of the things I regret most in my life.
    Now I have no criticism of any addict as I was an out of control addict myself for many years. But I believe that methadone is suggested for a woman who is pregnant only because it is thought to be preferable to shooting heroin. Unfortunately, going on methadone often leads the addict to take other drugs on top to give it a boost.
    It's a tough situation for sure, and one I would hope a woman would have some help with. And I mean help from a professional who understands addiction and who is not a follower of the typical methadone advocacy.

    Typical of the methadone advocates is the notion that pregnant women should be given frequent increases in dosage. I suppose this is to keep her sedated and less likely to take other drugs but the result is an increased habit and a more seriously addicted mother and baby.

    Now I am not a Dr and I figure there may be cases where methadone is a necessary thing. And this might be one of them. But I would definitely consider the reality of the situation, and not just the words of the methadone purveyors. The methadone advocates make lots of claims. I believe very little of what they say.
    Dave
     

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