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My Daughter

Discussion in 'Family and Friends' started by krish, Sep 12, 2009.

  1. spring

    spring Administrator

    Aw gheeze! I was hoping to never have to read a post like this on your thread Krish, but thankfully you have a good grasp on the reality of it and the way to deal with it, as painful as it is for you and your family.
    I too wish there was something I could say to make things better but there are no words at the moment. I will send prayers your way tho.

    And just in case Emily is reading this...
    The ball is in your court. It's all up to you where/how things go from here. I just hope you dont take too long to come back down to earth. The longer it takes, the harder it will be on you and everybody else. Time flies when in active addiction and you dont want to wake up someday at 35 or 40 (or older) kicking yourself for wasting your life.
  2. krish

    krish Well-Known Member

    Thanks Bonita and Spring!

    Spring, I had to laugh at your message to Em.. I don't think she comes on here or even remembers I do... I wish she would, she would be helpful and probably learn a thing or two herself.

    I still really haven't talked with her. Our dog got bit by a coyote and we texted about that for a minute, but that's it. She does call my husband, but he doesn't say much. Example, her perscription was 13.00 and she told him she had just worked a double, he said well good then you can pay for it or have your b/f pay for it.

    She is working.. at a brewery.. go figure... not surprised.

    But, I am getting my son this week from school, so that will keep me busy... he is good about knowing dividing his time with me and his friends...

    I do think as parents, the feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop never really goes away.. which was probably helpful this time.. I am not shocked, I am just sad... you want so much more for your kids.

    But, we are doing good this time.. maybe because we've been thru it so much. Our life does goes on and it can be a good life.. We are making some plans for some vacations, changing things in the house and moving on basically.

    Thanks for your support!
  3. krish

    krish Well-Known Member

    Well she called tonight.. Guess it's not all roses living with psycho.. They are getting evicted, he has stolen all her money and is in active addiction.

    As hard as it is, we said, you chose to make this decision, you are an adult and now you have the consequences of your choice and you are going to have to figure a way out. Use your resources, use your tools.

    She said she made the 'worst mistake of her life'.. I am not sure about that.. but she wishes she never moved down there with him and had never ruined it with drinking that 1 night and she wants her old life back with her job and school. I know she wanted us to say, we will come get you.. but we didn't.

    My son will be home tomorrow.. I would not do this again to him. That would lead to a lot of problems and I value him and his needs and wants and respect.

    Meanwhile, this was on our news.. I hope the lawmakers here can get this passed and more to help fight this disease

    Heroin Problem Personal For Central Ohio Family | WBNS-10TV Columbus, Ohio
  4. krish

    krish Well-Known Member

    Well she made her way home on Thursday. We told her, every time she called, quit calling and complaining, take action. We wanted her take action to get away from him, anything, go to a shelter, a friend from work, show us you want away from him. Do not ask us to come get you, figure it out yourself, get yourself home, you got yourself there, get yourself home. Do not ask us for money. So she did all that.

    Stories are coming out, but I really don't want to hear them. He stole and sold her lap top but she said, can you imagine he actually helped me look for it in the apt and car? Hummm yes, I can.. I recall you doing that. She kinda got taste of her old medicine. Maybe that was a lesson.

    She did use alcohol and pot, not a lot, not regular, but enough for a person that is suppose to be in recovery.

    We gave my son our "extra" car to take back to school, as he changed schools and needs to drive to class. My husband got in an accident, his car was totaled, so we have 1 car for 3 people now. He is suppose to go buy a car this weekend, but it's level 1 snow... and she has made a ton of appointments. Dr for an ear infection, dentist for a crown, eye for new contacts, counselor and hair appointment, so I will either be a driver again or go without a car. Her sober friends have taken her to meetings and brought her home, but we live kinda far... I am not volunteering and I am not giving out gas money. I just feel worn out and done. I really want to be an empty nester and not have adult kids here.. call is selfish, but my husband and I have a nice quiet life when no kids are here and we like it.

    She is mad at herself for relapsing after 2 years. I said what does that tell you? She said at any time something can happen and I have to always be active in recovery. I said yes and this disease is cunning, it's always waiting for you. She does want to go to a womens sober living, unfortunately, ther aren't very many choices here. She said she wants the structure and the recovery a sober living would provide. It's almost like she was asking us to provide that here at our house.. I am not doing it. I am glad she wants it, but a family should not have to provide that for her, she has to provide it for herself.

    So that's where we stand now.. all couped up in this cold/snow together...
  5. PrincessMa

    PrincessMa Well-Known Member

    I think a parents home is a great place to re-group after a kid (no matter how old) has been through a crisis - any kind of crisis. Even the self-imposed kind. Do what you can to enjoy some free time with her and then give her a time frame that you are comfortable with and let her do the rest. It sounds like she has the tools within her.

    I am happy she came home safely. It sounds like you know where your boundaries need to be. It is NOT SELFISH to live the life you want. You have worked long and hard for ability to do exactly that. It is OK to require that she work long and hard for hers life as well.
  6. spring

    spring Administrator

    Wow it seems like it's been forever since I've been able to be on here regularly. I finally have a decent computer to use until I can buy a new one this Spring.. I was trying to catch up on your thread, not sure I read all the back posts I missed. I'm waaay behind on reading posts! I have to say Kelly, that the transformations that you, Emily, your hubby, and even your son have gone thru are simply amazing! From the first page all the way to the present posts...there have been so many changes...some good ones, some bad ones, but mostly good ones...especially with you. I'm so thankful for your journal. It has been so helpful to so many.
  7. krish

    krish Well-Known Member

    Thanks Spring... and you and many others here at ODR have been a wonderful support for me! I think about all our kids here.. and all the people that came here seeking to feel less alone and helped me out to see different sides of things.

    PrincessMa. regrouping is ok..I guess... I wish there was another option thou. I left the house at 18, I didn't regroup, I kept going, I learned from my mistakes, I begged a landlord to have faith in me and I would get the rent to him, if he just gave me 2 more weeks.. I never thought to call for help or move home.

    She knows we aren't happy about this. Her boxes of stuff are arriving by mail and we are saying, don't unpack it all. Leave most of packed up in your brothers room. We are like, don't hang your crap up on the walls of your room. Like do not get too comfortable here!

    My Mom is like, relapses happen, it's part of the disease. She obviously wants to be clean and sober and you should give her some slack to do that. I just respond, it's her disease and up to her manage it and should we scarfice to say "good job" for being sober? "good Job" seems to mean, living with us, using our car, gas, health insurance, hair appointments, contacts, dr appts, meds, food, etc. After last time she was here, we don't even like we can get away for a few days or a week... and that's not fair.

    I just don't know the answers... I wish I did
  8. bolt

    bolt Well-Known Member

    Tough situation and I thank god my kids learned from MY mistakes...I feel your pain...Have you thought about going out on a limb one more time? maby this time you can spell it out for her..not make it easy mind you but something like " this is the last time we are going to help you" screw this up and do not expect us to ever bail you out again ...That may give you some peace of mind in the event she does screw up and you have to cut her off...at that point she will have made her own decision....I wish there was an easy answer .It is a shame that sometimes people get so obsessed with drugs the only way to get them to stop is by taking there freedom...
  9. PrincessMa

    PrincessMa Well-Known Member

    I feel for you. It is all so hard.
  10. spring

    spring Administrator

    If I remember right, Emily has been given several warnings like this in the past.. AND the family has followed thru by shutting her out...She does well for awhile and as soon as she's back in the family's good graces she sabatogues herself and all that she's worked for..

    Kelly, I was just reading through some of your posts and notice this pattern with Emily...her decisions always seem to have one common denominator...a boyfriend. There always to seems to be one in the picture.

    It's strongly recommended that a person in recovery shouldn't seek a relationship with the opposite sex for at least 2 years, and the reason for that is because "healthy attracts healthy" and vice versa. She hasn't given herself ANY time to grow as a woman and to mature as an adult, without a mate in her life has she?

    My thought is, that once Emily is forced to start focusing on making herself a place in this world by working at a career ie school/job, getting her own place, and becoming responsible for her own bills, her rent, etc then maybe things will take a different direction with her. If she's working hard at maintaining her own life then the last thing she's going to want is a loser boyfriend moving in and freeloading off her. Her attention may then turn to men who are successful and busy making their own way thru life as well.

    One of the last times I relapsed...my family was absolutely fed up with my merry-go-round life and lovingly kicked me out of their lives. They went about their own lives and left me 'out in the cold' to figure it out for myself. It was touch and go for awhile. I would work at getting clean, then relapse a few more times with the difference that I felt the full brunt of the consequences for my actions because I no longer had the option of turning to family when the going got bad and that's probably the best thing that could have happened to me.

    It could have gone either way for me...I could have given up and ended up in the gutters for the rest of my life or I could decide to get my sh*t together once and for all. Thankfully I chose not to give up on myself. I had a strong desire to put my life back together. It started with small steps. It took me forever to get to a place where I could afford my own apt, a car, clean up my credit, etc but I did it. And I have to admit, the better my life got, the more I wanted to stay away from people who had anything to do with drugs, especially those who were on shaky ground and those who seemed to be content to stay in active addiction.

    I'm not sure what the bottom line is here...I mean, how much more help can you be to Emily? You have shut her out and you have embraced her. You have helped your daughter to the point of causing hardships for the rest of the family. I was much older than Em when my family turned their backs on me, but if they had done so years earlier I cant help but think that it may have helped me put my life together sooner but who knows? It was certainly a factor, but until a person is ready and completely fed up with that way of life I guess it wont matter much.

    I wish I had some words of wisdom for you K. You have been dealing with this for so long. All I can say is that she is still so young and the sooner she gets a grip on her life, the easier it will be for her. There's nothing worse than waking up at 40 years old and realizing you have wasted half your life trying to get free of the drug.
  11. krish

    krish Well-Known Member

    Spring, I don't know how you do it.. but you always hit the nail on the head. It's like you know her/ us. I want to write more in response.. I will Monday.

    I can tell you, you are so right about the boyfriend thing... even thou I resent her past decision about the boy.. I think of boys as drugs to her. I think she had to hit rock bottom yet again, with a guy... She is starting to recognize it as well. And I agree, 1 to 2 years with no relationship.. and we are pushing that with her.

    Again, I will write more.. but I so appreciate your post.. I related to everything you said! I am so thankful to you and so glad you made it back.

    I had a hard time responding to Bolt because.. yes.. we have given her the warnings and even followed thru..
  12. spring

    spring Administrator

    This may sound silly but for some reason I often feel the need to explain myself...So just in case..I wanted to clarify my words to make sure people know I was talking about my personal 3D life. I DO NOT feel a need to steer clear of posters in active addiction seeking help. In fact, it's the complete opposite. I'm happy to be of any help in any way I can.
  13. krish

    krish Well-Known Member

    "My thought is, that once Emily is forced to start focusing on making herself a place in this world by working at a career ie school/job, getting her own place, and becoming responsible for her own bills, her rent, etc then maybe things will take a different direction with her. If she's working hard at maintaining her own life then the last thing she's going to want is a loser boyfriend moving in and freeloading off her. Her attention may then turn to men who are successful and busy making their own way thru life as well."

    I agree Spring! However, it's not just my choice.. I have my husband chirping in my ear.. my mom.. For example, when she came this last time, it took a week for her to find a job, another week to start the job, another 2 weeks before she will be paid.. so a month has gone by and she is playing catch up and owing us money, which takes from her money to move out. I just feel like it's an endless cycle! I walk around here mumbling.. someday I will be an empty nester.. like I want to be. My husband is older.. and I think he feels the end is in sight.. and while he can, he doesn't mind having her around all the time.. he tells her she can anyone over anytime.. From Sat to last night.. I had 2 boys here .. I am tired of it honestly, I completely stopped stocking the kitchen and drinks and making meals for everyone.. I don't want them to comfortable anymore! 1 guy is gay, I love him and his story is amazing.. and the other.. well.. we know the family, he was in NC with her.. and if he had more clean time, I am sure something would happen.. But I am pushing calling girls over.. going to lunch with girls in the program.. what's wrong with that? But yea, she is not going to learn if everything is supplied for her!

    I just wish there more programs or help out there.. reliable sober livings, affordable sober livings, guidence, structure, programs.. I know we are not alone in this.. and I know none of us want a 35 or 40 still at home... If there was somewhere reasonable and safe, she would be there, not here.. Emotionally she is still way behind.. and I find I have less and less patience with that. She needs so much praise.. it wears me out.. so much acceptance..

    My whole schedule changes when she is here too.. I can't sleep til she's home.. and we did give a curfew, which is later than I want it to be, but again, I don't have the final say. She never says if she will be home for dinner.. I either make too much or not enough.. just things I am tired of..
  14. spring

    spring Administrator

    I so understand the predicament you're in. What you want for her and what she will actually do are two different things. None of it will happen overnight, it all takes a lot of time to build/rebuild from scratch. If she would only set her goals, make the plans, and then follow thru with them all the way.
    Has she seen a therapist? I dont mean an addiction therapist, but someone who will help her face herself to help her mature and accept responsibility for her life. I see some of her traits in my younger self and these are the the things that would've helped me early on.
    We can only hope....
  15. PrincessMa

    PrincessMa Well-Known Member

    I really wish I had more words of wisdom but I don't. I just want you to know I KNOW exactly what you mean and I feel for you. I want MY life back too.
  16. krish

    krish Well-Known Member

    Babs.. you need to update me/us.. did she get in the program you were hoping for?

    Spring.. yes she sees a therapist.. She just quit taking insurance.. so we pay.. but she has been with us since before the Therapy school.. She does go 1 or 2 times a month.. Has an older sponcer.. goes to meetings..
  17. spring

    spring Administrator

    I shoulda known you had all bases covered. I just keep poppin out ideas that would have been helpful for me hoping that someday I might hit on the magic solution for Emily.
  18. krish

    krish Well-Known Member

    Spring, You know I appreciate it! I wish you had the magic solution! I think it must lie within her....
  19. krish

    krish Well-Known Member

    I know I sound like a broken record... Emily left this morning for yet another long term facility. She fessed up yesterday and said she wanted to go there. She had a choice and I saw the wheels turning.... and yes, Spring, it involved yet another boy... he was kicked out ( finally ) went to a state detox, got out yesterday and called her... I know she was choosing, get in his car and live that way til it ended or fess up. While I am glad she choose what she did, I am not happy to be going thru it AGAIN. I did not hug and kiss her goodbye, which is kind of weighing on me. I said, you better take advantage of all they have to offer, school, meetings, work study and work towards becoming a responsible adult because you are never coming back to our home to live.

    Again, I have all those feels, being lied to, picking up the pieces when I know we shouldn't, fighting with my husband, who looks like the hero and I look like a crazy witch... anger, resentment, etc... Literally I went in the bathroom to be sick when I found out.. it's amazing how quickly it all comes back even after all the work I thought I did.. This disease sucks...
  20. bolt

    bolt Well-Known Member

    thanks for sharing ! you have my prayers...damn him for making you the bad guy!

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