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My Daughter

Discussion in 'Family and Friends' started by krish, Sep 12, 2009.

  1. PrincessMa

    PrincessMa Well-Known Member

    I 'get it' about feeling guilty about the no hug/kiss. I had lunch with my girl this weekend and although everything went fine I found myself in tears just after she walked out of sight. Walking toward the transit center in a mass of homeless people in the rain. Feeling like every time we part it may be the last time I see her alive. I think when we live this we try to make every goodbye worthy. I get it.

    I am glad to hear she is trying again. I am also hoping you heal from the latest wound quickly.
  2. krish

    krish Well-Known Member

    Thank you guys for your support and understanding! I am like walking around going.. "is this my life? really?". 1 minute I think... I am soo flipping done! I am getting old before my time... this aging me and not in a good way... and then I think.. well it's a disease and relapse is part of it and I should thanking god she has chosen to get help yet again... Then I think .. all the lies.. all the things we did to try and help her become a responsible adult... how much she has taken advantage of us... then I think but she is such a wonderful smart person when she is clean... It just plays with you..and I hate that.
  3. spring

    spring Administrator

    I wonder if she knows that there's going to come a time when rehabs will stop accepting her. They say that once you have been thru these places several times and have learned what the tools are and how to use them...well, you have to start using them.

    I'm going from my own experiences and not talking about detoxes only. A person can get detoxed pretty much as often as they want/need it, but residential places stop accepting a person at some point especially if it's state funded and my guess is that probably insurance companies also stop agreeing to pay at a certain point so unless she's going to be able to pay out of pocket, she may want to get used to the idea that this is not a perpetual revolving door.

    Ya just cant run to a safe structured environment every time you get yourself into trouble...there comes a time when a person has to step up and take responsibility for their life......and after the rehabs give up on you the next step is jail. They have no limits and will take you in every time no matter how often you've been there before. Those are two of the three ends to active addiction...we all know what the third one is and God forbid that ever happens.
  4. krish

    krish Well-Known Member

    Of course things have changed... Yes, Spring, the Director of the program told her Monday, this is your third TC , so obviously you aren't gettting it or missing something.. This place was the less strict one, almost so they could set them up it fail if they wanted or succeed while they are in a safe place.

    She has been calling saying it's not for her. We held firm.. you picked this place, you NEED to complete a program. There are vocational and educational opportunities once she passes a certain phase, etc. She asked for money for a sober living and wanted her car.. we said No to both

    I didn't know, no one told me, but she had to be hospitalized for detox, there were some "issues"

    She keeps saying "I've got this", well experience has told us that is exactly when she doesn't "have it"

    Her bday was the 12th. I only sent a card, what more can I 'give' her? Nothing. She had a day pass. She wanted us to come down, but we didn't. We aren't running to her anymore. Her friend, whom I know , picked her up. They had a pleasant day. Last I talked to them, they were going to a meeting then taking her back to the program. Well, I guess she went to a pool hall with some guy from the meeting, ( imagine a guy again). She got in trouble. Then something else happened on Monday and I texted the director, I haven't wanted to be involved.. but the program accepted her ex bf, the one that lived with us and she left us to move in with him in Nov. The director said he would put a stop to immediately, but he heard Emily has 1.5 feet out the door anyway. He spent 1.5 hours with her. He said, what would make you think a pool hall is a good place for someone newly recovering? Doesn't it serve beer? She said, well the resturant we had lunch had a full bar.... so I could tell by her response, she was set on leaving and wasn't gonna try to "get" what anyone was saying. He said, right now you have free rent, food, etc.. take advantage of that for awhile. He said you talking like an addict when you say "you got this", it's your disease talking.. she wasn't buying it.

    So she left. Some guy picked her up and took her the sober living she was at before..600.00 a month rent. The director told her it's no different than the last TC you were at, your paycheck will go to them by way of rent. She couldn't pay it before, not sure what she is thinking will be different this time. Plus the guy that ran the program is in jail.. he relapsed after 12 or 15 years, spent all the peoples rent money on a bender and ended up in psychotic state in the hosp.. so not too sure who is running the program.

    My husband did talk to her on Monday, she asked again for money, he said no. Asked for her car, he said no. She asked my mom for the same, she said no. He told her not to contact us for anything, she is an adult now and because you chose not to shut up and listen for awhile, we will not be involved. The director and us feel she will be homeless in a month or 2. She did text my husband yesterday saying she got a job, he didn't respond.

    I don't know how many bottoms it takes, I don't know how many relapses it takes? But we can sleep knowing we did all we could and we are planning our lives, thinking about retirement and selling and moving a head and looking forward to that.
  5. sailormom

    sailormom Well-Known Member

    I hope things turn out o.k for her. It is soo tough, we do everything in our control but yet we have no control.
  6. spring

    spring Administrator

    Aww dammit Krish! I'm so sorry to hear this. I feel so bad for you, but it sounds like you have a handle on things and refuse to allow these new circumstances to affect your sanity.

    I can't imagine me dealing with this type of thing with my daughter year after year but it sure does show me what I was doing to my family all those years ago!
    And I'm so thankful that my daughter (now 28) is so anti-drug...it could have gone either way for her considering she had an addict mother.

    Hang in there dear friend. My prayers are with you and your family.
  7. krish

    krish Well-Known Member

    Thanks Spring... it is getting very old year after year.. But, we are moving on.. making our plans to live life. I can sleep at night knowing we did all we could and probably more.. and she is still alive..
  8. sailormom

    sailormom Well-Known Member

    You are so right, you have done all and more.. no matter what. It's so sad that our children won't take advantage of our years of experience and advice.

    I know it has been several several tough years for you from reading your post.
  9. loralee

    loralee Well-Known Member

    I am really sorry K, but glad to hear that you are going to live your own life despite what's going on with your daughter. I still think it is positive that she keeps reaching out for help and wanting the sober life. I hope that she gets a sponsor and actively works the 12 steps of the program. I went to a big AA Alanon convention and heard the message that meetings won't keep you sober, doing the work of the 12 steps and developing a relationship with God is what gives an addict relief. Addicts are looking for the effect that the drug gives them to take away their pain and anxiety but one day the drug stops working for them and they continue to chase the fantasy that it will work again despite losing everything. Developing a relationship with God by working the 12 steps is supposed to be the solution for the pain and anxiety that an addict feels. I hope that your daughter and my son will do the work that is required. My son has a sponsor and has started the work, but he is leaving treatment in about a week once he finds an Oxford house to live in. I pray that he finds another sponsor and puts pen to paper for his 4th step and keeps going. I will keep Emily in my prayers.

    It has been many years since I did the work of the 12 steps for Alanon, so I am wanting to find a sponsor for myself to go through the work with so that I can find the relief I need as this disease has a huge efffect on me too.

  10. krish

    krish Well-Known Member

    Hi All,

    So hard to believe it's been so long since I posted. Gosh, pretty much the same crap, different day with her. She got kicked out of her sober living last week. Not for using.. but that could just be a matter of time.. I see the same thing over and over. She feels she is above the rules. She was asked to keep her room clean and not have food and drink in there.. and she choose to ignore them. Then she missed a mandatory house meeting.

    She really isn't talking or calling me, but my husband.. same thing as in the past. He will basically do anything for her if she is clean.. doesn't matter if her pattern of being above the rules, probably to go use... so I believe he helped her get a house with 2 other girls. They have leased it for a year. I believe he helped her buy a bed for this new place.

    I saw her on the 4th of July.. I wasn't impressed... it was all about her.. her schedule.. what she wanted. The immaturity is still there too.

    But, I have let it go.. really go.... I took a non paying job.. lol.. according to my husband, there is no other kind for me. But it's getting art journals in the hands that need it. It's called Art for The Heart and Soul. We are actually working on the Beacon House now, where Emily went. One of our other projects was with Glynne's daughter, not the addict daughter but another one.. and it's a young mother's home. So it's been keeping more than busy!.. And I love it!

    Hope everyone is doing well.. think of you often.. Sailormom.. I hope you are healing....
  11. sailormom

    sailormom Well-Known Member

    I hope things do get better for her Krish, and thank you for thinking of me. I am slowly healing, oldest son is in rehab for his alcohol addiction. He would call your husband a hostage in her addiction, learning to manipulate those who love you to get what you want. Which is what he did to his grandfather and other family member's and people who loved him.. he never could manipulate me so we always had issues and I was the bad guy. LOL.. But hopefully he is on the road to break his addiction.
    Keep in touch.
  12. krish

    krish Well-Known Member

    Gosh, it feels like it's been forever since I have been here! It doesn't mean I don't think about all of you! I know the Holidays are so hard on the addicts and their families.. To be honest, even if things are going ok.. my Holiday spirit is zapped out.. I hope to get it back some day.
    I decided to go see my mom this year.. and who ever wanted to come join me, was more than welcome. So this year my husband and Em will be joining me. I have not had Em for xmas for about 6 years. My son wants to stay work. My mom is extremely excited.. I don't have all her texts! I feel like she is me, trying to make that perfect day or Norman Rockwell picture.. and it's nearly impossible.. I hate to burst her bubble.
    Em is doing good I think. She has 9 months. She is doing NA vs AA and she says the step work is harder.. she is almost done with step 4 I believe. She did come visit end of Sept.. and we drug tested her.. she was clean. We didn't drug test her b/c we felt she was using.. we did it because we want her to know , our trust in her is 0 and our house is drug free... we aren't playing around anymore. Many of her friends and ppl in her home group have relapsed this season.. so she said she is taking a lot of steps to make sure she isn't 1 of them.

    She has been through several roommates, as they have relapsed. She has had 1 constant roommate and they make the decisions together. The last roommate that used, they asked her to take a drug test, she failed, so they called her parents. I said, listen, if you relapse, don't call me, you know what you have to do.. and I won't be coming to get you...

    I think for me, and it might be her age, I have pretty much totally let go... I don't feel responsible anymore... or the need to keep her safe as much. Addiction and recovery isn't the only topic of conversation here. We are living life, travelling, working, enjoying our hobbies.

    I just wanted to stop in and give you an update and wish you all a very Happy Holiday Season and wonderful New Year! HUGS!
  13. sailormom

    sailormom Well-Known Member

    Merry Christmas and glad to hear things are going in the right direction.
    Keep us updated.
  14. spring

    spring Administrator

    Krish and Sailormom!
    Good to see you both! I think about you guys often (and a lot of others who don't come around much anymore). I hope life is treating you well these days.

    Wishing you a wonderful Christmas and the BEST New Year EVER!!
  15. sailormom

    sailormom Well-Known Member

    I try to check in a couple times a week. I don't always log in but I do check for new post. LOL..

    Merry Christmas Everybody
  16. spring

    spring Administrator

    Yeah I do that alot too, I stop in to take a quick look for activity. The board has been pretty quiet lately.
    I hope it's because everyone is clean and happy and healthy! :wink:
  17. PrincessMa

    PrincessMa Well-Known Member

    I also lurk around on here but rarely post anymore. Hope everyone's Holidays are bright!
  18. krish

    krish Well-Known Member

    PrincessMa.. how is your daughter?

    Just wanted to pop and say Em has been clean 1 year last week.

    I did get a call last night from her.. she has lost 2 friends in recovery in the last 2 weeks... ones from her homegroup.. and it scares her.. as they chaired meetings and she looked up to them. She asked to come home and visit.. I am fine with that.. of course I want her to come visit.. I hope something positive comes from these senseless deaths.. even if it teaches my daughter to stay in her recovery daily.
  19. PrincessMa

    PrincessMa Well-Known Member

    She is living with us. Is on methadone. Last usage was in mid January from what I can tell. She is recovering from a NASTY abscess from the injection and she swears she never wants to go through that again. She just got her drivers license back - even though has no car or job yet. Big ego boost just getting the license back. She is going to school 4 mornings a week and walking to my job when school is finished and we drive home together. Lots of togetherness. Doing well really. I just wish she was without the damn methadone. So inconvenient and I KNOW it is horrible for the body.

    So fab to hear about your Emily - a year is BIG. Losing people in her circle could be affirming for her. So sad for their families.
  20. krish

    krish Well-Known Member

    Hey All..

    I have been wanting to touch base with Bonita.. just because.. I miss her and our conversations.. I texted her today.. and she texted right back! It brought back all memories of support I got here! No that I probably don't still need it... but it felt good! (( Hugs Bonita!))
    I also thought of this place on Mother's Day.. I know it's a sucky day for so many... I used to HATE IT! This year.. I am happy to say, Em's boyfriend brought her to me for a long weekend. And we had fun! I felt so lucky . I can say, I am glad my life isn't addiction every day any more. Even thou I hate that she is far away from me right now... I know just as addiction is selfish, so is recovery.. or her recovery.. so I get a break from that as well with her being farther away. I am grateful she does take seriously.. and very happy she has a strong program for now.. really all I could ask for, but also happy it's not part of my daily life.

    I think of you all often.. hopefully PrincessMa, Loree, Teddysmom will check in and give us an update.. I would love to hear it! HUGS!

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