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My Recovery

Discussion in 'Family and Friends' started by loralee, May 12, 2010.

  1. loralee

    loralee Well-Known Member

    Thank you for all of the support. My son has disappeared from his Dad's house after attending one NA meeting. He is only 19 (my baby), no job, no money, no home. I am so scared for him.

    But, I am no longer going to let his addiction take me down too. I am fighting for me. The only person I really have any power to help.

    I have made a plan to stay very focused at work for the next two weeks and get all caught up and maybe get ahead. Because, in two weeks my oldest daughter is having a baby (she is 26) and I want to be there FOR HER.

    So since I try not to get too far ahead of myself these days. I just have my two week plan. Then, Grandparent happiness. I pray every morning for my son and ask God to take care of him. I don't know that my son will survive. But I do know that I have done everything possible. I do know that when I get out of the way, my son has to take responsibility for his own addiction. So I have a tiny glimmer of hope. It could go either way.

    It is completely out of my control.

    I am sad to hear of the pain the other members are currently going through, I think about you and am sending my good thoughts and prayers your way.
  2. teddyb

    teddyb Well-Known Member

    Knowing you have done everything possible is important for you. Seeing he has to take responsibility for his addiction is a critical step in the right direction. Though I hit bottom myself sometimes, as I did yesterday, I know there is always hope. When I was suffering yesterday and panicked, so many wonderful people stepped up to tell me I wasnt alone and they understood. Thats what we can offer to you. It is sad to read the stories here and see the pain of parents and loved ones who realize they cannot control the addict in their life. Its knowledge we all come to in our own way and even seeking that knowledge seems to hurt sometimes, but we dont walk alone. I and the other moms and members of ODR are walking along side of you and sending you our wishes for courage and guidance. Hugs
  3. krish

    krish Well-Known Member

    Hi Loralee,

    Teddy is so right! And it's a comfort to know we are not alone.

    My daughter is 19 also. All I can say is, Teddy told me all the therapy , rehabs, sober living things she has done will start chipping away at her. I have to say, that's true. Obviously your son had some professional help in the past and I know some of what he learned sunk in, it's just not showing right now.

    I admire how far along you are and how you realize you must take care of yourself first. I am not sure I am completely there yet myself. What an inspiration you are!

    Keep posting, because I learn from people like you... and I need to keep going.

    How exciting to have a grandchild soon! What a joy that will be and take the focus off your son for awhile. Enjoy that special time!
  4. kunzite52

    kunzite52 Well-Known Member

    Lora my son was 17 when he began shooting heroin and 21, after 4 detoxes and 2 rehabs, when he got it right. Each time he was in there, something, what he calls "the seed" was planted. But in addiction you feel so powerful and the hold the drugs have over the addict is even more powerful than any one person in any family could possibly be.
    Last night my youngest son told me that his friend, who 2 years ago I brought to rehab, was 1.5 years clean from heroin. I thought the kid left rehab I said to my son. HE told me, yes he left but soon he signed himself back in. What happens is they leave rehab and then think that they can just use, they think of all the excuses again and next thing they know they are powerless AGAIN over the drug. So powerless that they lose all their loved ones, all their possessions, and in the case of my son, he even lost a place to live. Living in a broken down car out in some meadow somewhere for an entire winter. But they soon DO realize after one little bit of rehab, that that is their only way out. To be honest, to break down and let go of the need to always be in control and say honestly, NO I CANNOT CONTROL THIS DRUG HABIT. And when that happens, then healing happens.
    Lora you are doing the right thing, as hard as it is. My son was addicted to heroin for 4 years and I was addicted to trying to save him. At the end we both needed help, and lots of it. I can tell you for sure that my son healed faster than I did. Well he was in classes and meetings day and night for years and years. He learned so much. I went to counseling, and went to classes to learn about addiction, the biggest lesson being I COULD NOT HELP HIM.
    When he did help himself he grew up Lora. He grew up after using and abusing drugs from the age of 13, he entered sober living with the maturity level of a 13 year old. He grew up in the rooms of NA and sober living, with other addicts seeking recovery. THAT was not something I could give him, that empathy or true honest understanding. Mike got to the point where he would stay up all night with the newcomers and show them how to heal, tell his story and learn theirs, show them that healing is possible.
    I do not want to see happen to you what happened to me. That you are letting go now is beyond my belief. It is so courageous of you and so hard to do. I admire you for that, and I wish I knew then what I know now, but it is what it is.
    You are so lucky to have a grandchild on the way, that is my ultimate dream, to someday hold a child of my own child.
    You hold hard and fast to your power to take control over your life. Do not give it up like I did. It is so hard to get those years back, and the stress, it takes such a toll on our own well being.
    I am so glad you are here with all of us mamas. You will find so much support and kindness and wisdom here.
    Thank you so much for sharing this story. And please keep posting. Feelings, even great sadness, fear or grief can be worked through and survived with friendship and honesty and that is what this place is all about.
    With great respect for you.
    And congratulations on the grand child!
  5. loralee

    loralee Well-Known Member

    Thank you so much for your replies and support. Kunzite, how lucky you are that your son made it out. Today, I have lost most of my hope for my son. There is a little left. My hope is mostly for me instead. I got very sick from this. A black cloud has been over my head now for five years. I thought today, I could die first before my son (could be in a car crash today), I want to enjoy my precious life. My worry doesn't help my son.
    It is so scary not to know where he is, he has no phone at the moment. When he overdosed the police took his phone to find his connections.
    Well his drug deals are all over the phone too. But I guess he is too small time for them. I didn't agree with his Dad paying for his phone anyway, just so he could help him be a drug dealer.

    Tonight I am going to my parents Al-Anon meeting. Everyone is a parent there and it gives me so much comfort to be around people who understand. This support group is so great too, because it is the same drug and you all know.

    I pray all through the day, in order to be productive and try to focus on my life and what is in front of me to do today.

    Thank you for all of your kind words, wisdom and support.
  6. glynntoo

    glynntoo Well-Known Member

    Loralee - my husband has kept that black cloud from hovering too close to me for - well, a long time. Today it's here...it's really dark - you are so correct - you could die before your son...you must be able to live the life you have. You have a grandchild coming - you want to really be present for your daughter.

    I didn't know there was a Parent's Al-Anon - I might try to find something like that. I did go to a couple of Al-Anon meetings and the dynamic just didn't fit or something. I know I need to keep trying - now more than ever.
  7. kunzite52

    kunzite52 Well-Known Member

    Glynn Alanon is for the families of addicts, and yes you could find one for moms. That is such a good idea for you. Way back when you first posted on here, so long ago, I mentioned it to you. Now you are thinking outside of the box and that is good, realizing the toll it is taking on you. YES it took me so long to come down from my chaos, you have to allow yourself to do this, it would be so much help to you. Never ever would I know which way to turn if not for my dear friends, the ones who have the sobriety thing going on, the ones that know what addiction is and what it does. To me, knowledge is better than wandering in the dark of not knowing.
    Love you,
  8. glynntoo

    glynntoo Well-Known Member

    Annie - I've re-thought that. No, it's not for me. I will work with therapists in reference to my daughter and my grandsons and will continue with friendships I've made with people who really care.....Knowledge IS better than wandering in the dark of not knowing...and I'm not in the dark any longer... (thanks, Annie)

    I'm not saying Alanon isn't a good organization. I am sure it is.
  9. loralee

    loralee Well-Known Member

    Now my son and his Dad are on a road trip to California for two weeks to detox I guess. Unfortunately they are two of the sickest people I know right now and I can't think that they are good together. Our son runs away from treatment and now his Dad takes him on vacation? I am sad for our daughter because he may not be there to see the baby when it is born.

    However, today in my recovery I took a trip to the beach with my husband and step-children. I texted my three daughters and although I thought of my son, I did not obsess. I tried to live MY life today. I succeeded pretty well.

    I guess I know my son is safe for now. Waiting for the next crises--but trying to stay strong.

    I pray for everyone who has written that you are each recovering too from the effects of this terrible disease. If we save ourselves then it won't have beaten us all.
  10. teddyb

    teddyb Well-Known Member

    Dear Loralee, I like that quote, "If we save ourselves then it wont have beaten us all."

    Glad you went to the beach and got to enjoy the moment- living your life and not obsessing. So happy you are thinking of yourself and understanding your limitations. There are people around you who want what you have to give and are able to return it in some measure to you. Give to yourself and to the others in your life. My own experience has made me realize how many people waited in the wings for me to acknowledge them. It made me realize that anyone around me could be suffering experiences like mine and just needed a kind word or a smile - the girl at the checkout, the mailman... someone I could give a boost and help them at that moment. Keep taking care of you. Hugs
  11. kunzite52

    kunzite52 Well-Known Member

    Glynn you are right, for you I do not think you need alanon, you have spent this past year hooking up with SO MANY people in order to save your grandchildren. You have reached out and you have gotten help and for that I am so proud to call you friend. You have done the work my dear. This is not to say that alanon is not good for everyone, but Glynn I have great faith in your love and the devotion of your h/b. I also know you are very well connected and have pulled on every string marked help that there is. You deserve a metal, I will take the chest to pin it on :). You will heal Glynn, you also have come so very far in this past year, you have done your homework mama, and you get an A+!
    Love you much,
  12. loralee

    loralee Well-Known Member

    I tried to call my son today just to say hi. I have set boundaries but I don't know about communicating with him at all. In the past, I have at least called once every week or so. Now, after he ran away from rehab back to what? Heroin everyday? Why should I call? What is there to talk about? I know he knows I love him. I have shown him unconditional love, but I have kicked him out of my home and I do not give him any financial support anymore.

    I am not sure what the right thing to do is about communication. Because I do want to get better. I am so tired of being sad all the time. I want my life back.
  13. teddyb

    teddyb Well-Known Member

    Dear Loralee, I know the struggle you are speaking of. Your heart says one thing and your head says another. How do you reconcile this? Maybe there is confusion about what 'unconditional love' means. It doesnt mean you love what they do- their addiction, their lying or manipulation. It means- I think- that you love the core person inside the addiction. The person you want to see again, talk to again, give your love to. You dont want to talk to the addict, you want to talk to YOUR son. Loving an active addict may mean you have to do things that feel like they go against what a normal Mom should do. Normal mom things dont work with an active addict. Kicking him out isnt a normal mom thing, but the right thing to do- as is giving him no financial support. These things feel wrong and sad to you, I know. If you talk to him, maybe say, "I love you. I hate that you are using. I want my son back, but I dont want your addiction in my life. Get help, get clean." There isnt much more to say. Keep it short- repeat the same message whenever you talk to him. Maybe it will work on him slowly, like water dripping on a rock. He knows you are sad about his use. He knows what he should do. Its all in his hands. You deserve your life back- I am like you, often sad all the time and desperately wanting the have some life, some happiness. Im sorry you face this, Loralee. Too many moms suffer like you are. Its not your fault, you must take care of yourself as best you can. When the day comes and he truly needs your help in a healthy mother/son relationship, you'll want to be there for him. Stay with us, make sure you eat and sleep. Take care of yourself. Tell him to get to NA or AA or back to rehab and take care of himself. sending healing thoughts and hugs
  14. loralee

    loralee Well-Known Member

    Thank you Teddy. That is very good advice about what to say. It makes alot of sense and you are right, there isn't anthing more to say to my son.

    He is on his way back from his 'vacation' to California with his Dad. I am sure he and his Dad have some "plan" about how he is going to live at home and stay 'sober' but I believe it is all lies and manipulations. If I am wrong and by some miracle he stays sober, I will be so happy for him. But I really believe he needs long term treatment and then a sober living environment away from home before he will be able to maintain sobriety.

    In my parent's Al-Anon meetings, most of the kids that stay sober have had long term treatment and sober living. Now, that is not to say that you can't do it another way. However, just the fact that my son ran away from treatment after 5 days when he had just overdosed and almost died makes me think he is not serious. If he was serious, he would do whatever it takes rather than try to do it on his own--which doesn't work, we know from experience.

    On of the parents said they heard in treatment that each time you intervene for your child, you push their bottom lower. I don't know if I believe that, but I am so frustrated that my child's father continues to intervene and not make our son face the consequences of his choices.
  15. krish

    krish Well-Known Member


    I have done this, like you... I worked harder on my or her recovery ... than she ever worked on hers. I, like you, believe it's got to be a long term treatment plan. And in the last 2 years my daughter has had more months of treatment than using... but the using got so bad.. it wipes out the treatment months. Does that make sense?

    Even thou my husband and I are not divorced ( very close to it at times).. he sounds like your ex. What took him to not enable... was the theft, manipulation, lies, were finally at his expense.. he got pissed. The addict can only hide that stuff from their enabler for so long.

    I am really glad you have your alanon group and you are doing so well! Please know that! When is the baby due??
  16. teddyb

    teddyb Well-Known Member

    Amen! I second that, K! I was sure I could recover FOR my girl! wow, talk about being on the wrong path :( But anyway we are here for each other each day. There is always hope and the more we take care of ourselves and let go, the more recovery rests firmly in the hands of the addict. Hugs too!
  17. loralee

    loralee Well-Known Member

    Thank you all for being there for me. I am so scared again. Although I didn't call my son, I found out from my other children that my son and his Dad came back from their "detox vacation" to California. After several days home and supposedly a week or two of clean time my son disappeared and has not been heard of since.

    Sometimes I feel like I hate my son for doing this. But I know it is the addiction I hate, not him.

    My daughter is one day late with the baby and 2.5 centimeters dialated. I am so excited. It could be any day now. There is one thing at work I could not get off my schedule for three hrs Thurs morn, so I hope that is not when she delivers.

    I know that fear has no purpose, I am afraid that my son will overdose again but there is nothing I can do and being afraid each day just robs me of my life.

    We will see what his father decides to do the next time he shows up.
  18. teddyb

    teddyb Well-Known Member

    LL, my heart goes out to you at this time. You are completely torn between your son's addiction and your daughters baby... What a terrible position to be in :( I know I told my daughter once during a terrible crisis (of her making), "I hate you, leave me alone". I know I was talking to the addiction and I know how you feel. There was (and still is) a difference between what my head knows and what my heart knows. Try to follow your heart with the new baby, but do everything you can to follow your head with your son. Im keeping you both in my thoughts and sending hugs.
  19. krish

    krish Well-Known Member


    I feel your pain! The only good I can see that might come out of this.. is your ex sees.. the CA detox did not work. Maybe he won't be so "enabling" next time.

    I know it sure puts a damper new baby coming. I just could not get "into" my son's achievements when I didn't know where my daughter was... if I could do it over... I would have tuned my thoughts of her out.. and been present for him. I am now and I have to believe he knows this.

    You know you are doing all you can... I know it doesn't make it easier.. you've got believe each time he does this.. is getting him closer to being sick and tired of being sick and tired.
  20. loralee

    loralee Well-Known Member

    Hi Everyone,

    I have a new granddaughter! She is so beautiful and a big 9 lbs! I was able to be there through the delivery and help my daughter and then I stayed with her and her husband over the long weekend and cooked and cleaned and gave breaks with the baby. It was really wonderful. I am so glad I could be there for my daughter and really "present' in this wonderful miracle.

    My daughter has made the decision not to let our son around the baby.
    He is back with his Dad. He is there for a few days and then leaves for days and then comes back. It is so sad, no job, no school, no driving, no life other than heroin.

    His Dad says he is kicking him out in 3 weeks. I have heard that one before. I hadn't talked to my son in about a month. I talked with him briefly yesterday and it did not go well. I thought I was at a peaceful place, but he instantly got me agitated. I think because he tries to pretend like everythings ok and I know its not.

    Apparently his Dad and he scream at each other all day as his Dad is on him talking about his addiction whenever he is there. It just doesn't do any good. Talking to our son doesn't work.

    This morning in my meditations I read that panic means we are not trusting God or trusting the flow of life. I do not know the outcome of my son's story. I know I can't control the outcome though and that is why I am living my own life and why this thread is entitled 'my recovery'

    I really get that his life is his responsibility and my life is mine. I have tried everything I could think of to help him and now I am just watching to see what HE will do.

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