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My son...

Discussion in 'Family and Friends' started by RestlessMom, Apr 8, 2014.

  1. RestlessMom

    RestlessMom Member

    I'm not sure where to begin...my son is 22 and an addict. How did I miss this? Now that I know, I look back and all the signs were there. Until now, I was clueless when it came to drugs. Now I'm learning. He asked for help. Went through detox and then inpatient treatment. When he went in he was positive for herion, pot and Roxie's. This happened at the beginning of January. He is home now and seems to be doing ok.

    I have been reading on this site and have learned even more. I have tons of questions, but just don't know where to start.
     
  2. bolt

    bolt Well-Known Member

    welcome ! we will try our best to help answer your questions.. know that the first thing about a drug addict and their addiction is that THEY must want to quit..I am sure that you want him to stop but that is not going to be enough.
    To watch someone you love ruin there life is very difficult and upsetting. I hope that he is not using but if he is you need to do whatever you can to make it harder for him to continue ..Do you know how he spends his money? Does he keep regular hours? Let us know how we can help you? keep posting...
     
  3. sailormom

    sailormom Well-Known Member

    So familiar, my son was 22 when I discovered his problem. They have to want to quit more than wanting anything else is what I have learned from this forum. My son did several rehabs and out patient counseling. My son had a wreck 1 yr ago next week due to od on herion. If he had not wrecked behind the best trauma center in our state he would have died that day. He spent 3 days in ICU.
    If he will let you control his money that will help.
    I learned to never trust what he told me ( don't let them know you trust them yet) I did room searches when he lived with us, and snoopy searces when he moved out. I had a key to his truck so I would drive by his work or apt and search his vehicle when he wasn't expecting

    Does he live with you?

    If so pop drug screens (buy them at any drug store) I made my son pay board money in order to cover cost of drug test. LOL... We should not suffer financially due to their choices. Besides the more money he has to shell out for other things the less he has to spend on drugs.
    T
    You are welcome to send me private messages if you don't want to post some things publicly. I post more now cause I don't have to worry bout anyone figuring out who I am or my son. My son died of a Heroin cocaine overdose 6 weeks ago at age 25.

    This forum and Donaldstrike postings have helped me come to grips with my son's death.

    You need to Read the " Monster in my head" http://www.heroin-detox.com/heroin-addiction-recovery/17846-monster-inside-my-head.html and a thread by Donaldstrike http://www.heroin-detox.com/heroin-addiction-recovery/20733-guess-what-happened.html. He posts about every day or other day about his struggle to get clean. It will help you understand whats going on in your son's head.

    There are other postings from parents and all the rehabs they have spent money on and their kids still are not clean. It's a tough road to get clean and we did not understand how hard it was till reading Donald's postings and some others.

    We are here for you.
     
  4. RestlessMom

    RestlessMom Member

    Thanks for the welcome! I'm at work so don't have much time but will post more this afternoon. Just wanted to say thanks and I have a list of questions. For now, he is living at home and looking for a job. So, he doesn't have any money to spend. Nor does he have a car and I won't let him drive mine. I've noticed a few things that are "flags" but don't want to accuse him just yet. I am planning to drug test him in the next few days...waiting for my oldest son to be there when I do.

    I'll write more later!


    sailormom... Sooo very sorry for your loss. You are in my prayers!
     
  5. freakedout

    freakedout Moderator

    Restlessmom-

    The best possible thing you can do for your son is to come to a TRUE understanding that you CANNOT control his behavior nor are you responsible for it. I understand this is nearly impossible for mothers of addicts but I cannot stress how important it is.

    You almost have to give up on certain things and realize your son is going to do what he is going to do regardless of you.

    The only way he will stay clean is if he wants to and if HE decides to.

    Searching through his room, giving him drug tests, etc should be the last thing you should do with him. This just lays a foundation of mistrust that your son may not be able to deal with. Could even push him in the wrong direction.

    Think about setting up a "contract" with your son.

    JOB must be found by X Date
    Must be home by X time
    Must attend X number of recovery groups/meetings
    Must check in with you at X intervals
    Must pay X amount in rent / food / etc. (Cannot stress how important this is. A young man who does not learn how to be a responsible man can end up screwed psychologically and emotionally for life.)
    Consequence of using = immediate withdrawal of a place to live, any and all financial support, etc.
    (Consequences are useless unless you follow up on them....)

    Write it out and both of you agree to it. You are the one that will have to stick to it though when it gets tough.

    The best thing you can do is help your son with a structured environment where he can find a job, a routine, and positive support.

    Also realize that most addicts do not get clean the 1st time around. For some it takes many decades of ups and downs. Some never make it unfortunately.

    Positive vibes....I was using Heroin around your son's age and it took me 15 more years to finally clean up. ***THANKFULLY*** my dad was smart enough to let me go my own way and figure some things out on my own. He was always supportive but he knew the score. (He was a recovering alcoholic.) If I was around my mom and had to deal with her snooping and prying, I am not sure how things would have went.
     
  6. sailormom

    sailormom Well-Known Member

    Well I snooped, but never confronted him about what I found in his car or room, I would ask questions to see what his answer was and knew he was lying but didn't confront him on it.
    But all of to things Freaked out talks about we did with our son till he moved out on his own -- it's not cool to bring girls home to your parents house.. LOL.. My son went to rehab 3 times, O.D 5 times...that we know of, Intensive care 2 of those times. all of this in a 3 year period.
    He continued to keep his job and expensive apartment though it all, but when he lost the girl friend over it he gave up trying and started using more often and lying about it. ( he did this for the last 3 weeks of his life)
    All you can do is read everything and figure what works best for your situation. But no matter how hard we try it's not gonna work if they don't want to get clean.
     
  7. RestlessMom

    RestlessMom Member

    Well I too have become a snooper! Lol. I never snooped much before. As they say hindsight is 20/20.

    Here goes.... I have 3 children. My sons are 25 and 22 and my daughter is 19. My oldest left for college, and except for a couple months last summer after graduation, has been on his own. My daughter is a sophomore in college and on the Dean's List. Both of them are doing great. My middle son, was planning on going into the service. He didn't because his girlfriend at the time didn't want him too. He is addicted to opiates, pot and recently started smoking herion. So far, no needles. He is and has always been scared of needles. But from what I've read, addicts overcome that quickly. In January he admitted he was addicted, and asked for help. Went through detox and inpatient treatment. He did really well. There were a few rough days, but he made the decision to go and to stay. Now he is back home. He knows the rules and what I will and will not tolerate, and the consequences. He seems to be doing pretty good up until now.

    I don't know if it's me just reading into things or not. I haven't found anything, his behavior has not changed, he still looks great. For the past week or so, sometimes he is sleeping when I get home from work. Then he will get up, eat, sometimes watch tv with me and then go back to bed.

    He has till the end of this month to find a job. But I haven't seen any effort to look for one.
     
  8. sailormom

    sailormom Well-Known Member

    Mine went into the Navy right out of high school, Was doing great first 2 years, got sailor of the year, airwarfare pins, and other awards and accomendations after first deployment, month after deployment g/f of almost 4 years broke up with him the weekend he was going to propose,
    he was depressed the navy gave him Xanax to get over the depression and immediately sent him out on deployment #2 where he fell down a stairwell. He broke his back in 3 places, (discovered later) No x-ray equipment on a destroyer, so the y loaded him up on pain pills for the rest of the deployment. They were doing pirate chasing and he killed some ( his rank that he does normally never has to shoot a gun, but on a small ship that was under attack he had to man a gun. That messed with him really bad, so needless to say my kid came home messed up.
    His normal job was assisting on flights -- drones on that ship.

    I look back and try to figure what else we could have done. But it's easy to look at them and tell when then aren't doing good. We kepttelling him to let us know if he was struggling and we would be there at a moments notice or take him back to get help, but he didn't want it this time, he relapsed 3weeks before he died and g/f left him so he quit trying to stay clean at that point. It was a rough 3 weeks for us watching him destroy himself with him refusing/ dening that he needed help.
     
  9. donaldstrike

    donaldstrike Well-Known Member

    hi restless- and sailormom
    there is no right solution. i had the whole range of care. from nothing to controlling ... from separating to loving. honestly ... nothing helped.
    i even turned the immense love i got into a reason to function (for them?) - to use.
    for me the assurance that i don't have/had to function at all for a specific period of time (1 month+) was always essential to quit.
    no responsibilty ... no guilt ... no pressure - to use - to function (or what seems like function) - pressure ... guilt ... resposibility - going merry round
    of course i had to do things during that time but nobody codemned me if i needed help or wasn't able my first or second or ...
    attempt to do (... even for very simple/basic things during ...) a detox
    you can do what you want. if a user doesn't try to turn the power of (your) love (ect.) into sobriety - someday ...
    she/he will continue to use - no matter what ... eventually with a bad end - unfortunatlly
    the last thing you should do is to hurt yourself by taking responsibilty of the impossible ...
    so there is something you can do:
    by loving/accepting her/him either way ... and sympathetically advertise sobriety - the possibility (to believe in her/him) ... there will be a way
    the choice to take that way is up to her/him ... you can't walk in an addicts shoes ... so to say
    and last but not least and most important ... to take care of you by focusing away from addiction as much as you can - to be an example of sobriety
    while understanding addiction a bit at least ... we don't know very much more ourself - it just happens
    again ... i'm never really specific ... sorry
    for me specific seems to be one counterpart of addiction ... another counterpart of addiction seem to be responsibility - what would that mean?
    for me the big issue: to get/become (want to be?) addicted to lose responsibilities (for you, for them, for everyone/everthing) finally? - yes ...
    at first ... almost freed from them ... while you seemingly enjoy your fake life ... almost stolen them from you ... in the end - you'll lose all ...
    step by step your real life - not only your responsibilities ... matter of time ... and space (possibilities) you'll leave open - don't press to become free
    take care
    good luck & thanks
     
  10. krish

    krish Well-Known Member

    I will try to come back and write more later.. but I wanted to stop in and say Welcome and there are a bunch of us that have been in your situation or are in your situation. We have battled this many years with my daughter and she is only 23 and currently in her 13 program.

    I personally have to kinda disagree with freakout. It is our home, she is / was the adult living in our home and we do / did drug test, snoop, ask and do contract or list of our boundaries and what is acceptable or not in our home. We include cell phone, health insurance. We do make her pay rent ( we were putting that aside for her later on).

    I understand your red flag about not looking for a job.. and glad you are not over looking that. There is PAWS and it can take awhile for some to get their energy back and depression to lift.. a 30 day treatment facility or IOP isn't gonna help with that.. but you have laid down that boundary and hopefully he will find a job.

    I always suggest Ala-non or counseling or both. Unfortunately it is a family disease.. and best you take of yourself first.

    I will come back and write more when I am less tired.. just know you are not alone!
     
  11. sailormom

    sailormom Well-Known Member

    Restless mom - let us know how you are doing...
     
  12. spring

    spring Administrator

    Welcome RM to ODR! Ask your questions when you are ready. You have a whole audience of expert veterans here waiting to help you.

    As for what freakedout said...good advice but I have to disagree on the not-snooping part. If an addict knows that they are being 'investigated' and watched by their loved ones they either try to stay on the right path or they find more ways to get sneaky and manipulative. So I guess it could go either way, but since it's common for an addict to lie about their use, how else is a parent going to learn the truth except by snooping around?

    Snooping isnt going to change anything since you can't control what the addict does, but it does help to know where they're at (or not at) in their recovery.
     
  13. RestlessMom

    RestlessMom Member

    Hi! Thanks for the welcome!! I have been reading some of the stories here and am amazed at the things our addicts will put us through. I don't think anyone does until they have been through it. I feel like I am starting down a long unending journey.

    I also pay for his phone, food, cigarettes, etc...until he finds a job. I do not give him any money. As long as he is living in my house, he will follow the rules that we agreed upon, when he came back here (he was living with his Dad for a few months before). He knew I would "snoop" (lol) and that there would be drug test. I had planned to drug test him last week, but wanted my oldest son to be here (as I knew he would not pee in front of me), but he has been busy at work and has not been able to get by here. He has to keep his room clean (well, he has always had to do that, I'm a little OCD) and pick up any mess he makes, take out garbage etc... I have only had to fuss a couple times.

    How do they pass a drug test if they are using? What do I look for? What are the signs of use for different drugs?

    Even after all have read, I still feel like I am out in left field. I know this has to be his choice alone and I'm scared for him.
     
  14. sailormom

    sailormom Well-Known Member

    I would find a needle cap or needle hid, or receipts from a drug store with needles on it.
    Is the phone in your name? if so you should be able to log on to your account and see who he calls and text. I was able to attach names to all numbers on my account so it was easier to track who he was calling and when.
    When mine lived at home and in shower I would put clean clothes from laundry in his room (pick up phone and scan messages) then resume putting away his clothes when shower went off. lol

    For Drug test _ I would stand outside door with door open and listen.. LOL... since I didn't have anyone to go in with him.

    I have always made him clean his room since he was little, but I have always done a cleaning for him also about every other week. It gives you a chance to check on your kid without snoping - cause you are cleaning. LOL..
     
  15. RestlessMom

    RestlessMom Member

    Yes the phone is in my name and I checked them when he first came home but haven't lately. I have noticed his phone ringing a bit more in the past couple weeks. He used to keep it on silent before but has not done that since he is back at home. Not sure if that's a good sign or not.

    He has always taken long showers...since he was 2!! That is inherited from his dad. We used to make him start getting dressed an hour before the rest of us because it took him that long to get ready to go! Lol. It has always been a family joke lol. So before now I never thought twice about it. I've not found and needles. So far as I know of anyway. When he moved out last sept I found foil and burn marks in his bathroom and a empty Suboxone packet. Also found a very pretty bong. I almost kept it as a decoration! Lol. He said he was using the Suboxone to try to stop using. I don't know how that works???
     
  16. RestlessMom

    RestlessMom Member

    I think there is a way to ck text messages......I am going to look into that!
     
  17. bolt

    bolt Well-Known Member

    Please don't be offended at some humor here.
    This is a joke!

    Ask you son if he realizes that 95% of men masturbate in the shower. no?

    The other 5% sing..

    And honey, Do you know what song they sing? nope


    I didn't think so!


    So sorry..I was unable to resist..don't hate
     
  18. RestlessMom

    RestlessMom Member

    LOL! Thanks for the laugh! Not something us moms like to think about their sons. Lol. And don't worry. I did not take offense. We all need some daily humor!
     
  19. krish

    krish Well-Known Member

    Restless,
    We always have them ( yes we test both kids) go with the door open, we don't stand in front of the door, but around so we can hear if the water is running or they dip in the toliet for water.

    You haven't mentioned and I have to ask, what is he doing to continue his recovery? Is he going to AA/NA meetings? Does he have sponcer and working the steps? Any outside counseling?
     
  20. RestlessMom

    RestlessMom Member

    Krish..he has been going to meetings (or so he tells me anyway. His best friend since grade school was in a program out of state for 9 months (not sure which one). They have been going to meetings and doing "normal" activities together. His mom and I are friends as well and talk frequently. There is still this "feeling" I get when I know they are together. And I'm not sure if it's because of the past or not. She does drug test on him and he's been clean.
    He has not been to any counseling yet. Only because it takes forever to get an appt (he does not have insurance) but is scheduled to go next week.
     

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