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My Wife is an herion addict

Discussion in 'Family and Friends' started by lostdad, Aug 14, 2014.

  1. lostdad

    lostdad New Member

    We have been together for 16 years, and have two children together 7 & 10 years old . My wife develop an addiction to pain pills about 3 years ago, and about a year ago started smoking heroin. I have known for about 6 months about the heroin use and she has gone threw detox once, but she still uses from time to time, I'm guessing once a week. We are seeking therapy, and I think after this latest relapse episode she might finally be realizing whats at stake with losing everything. I have tried to support and be there for her, but I feel lost and don't know what else to do. I know that she is the only one that can get clean. I do still love her and always will, and I'm willing to do anything to help her but I'm just not sure how much more I can take.
  2. spring

    spring Administrator

    I totally understand where you're at....frustrated and anxious. Are you sure her use is only once a week or so? If this is true then the chances at her getting/staying clean may be better IF she stops using NOW.
    But to be honest, I don't know of many, if any, addicts who use opiates once in a while...not for long anyway. It escalates fast.
    The key word here is "addict". There are plenty of people who can use pain meds or other opiates once in a while and then stop without thinking twice about it. But once a person has crossed the line into addiction, there is no such thing as recreational use without consequences. Either she doesn't know about this or she just doesn't care at this point.

    I remember way back when I had gotten clean and managed to stay that way for almost 4 years and then happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time and decided to just do a little hit. Then a few days later I did another little hit, then a few more days later I did a bigger hit and the next day another one. Three years passed before I realized I was right back where I started. My point is that there is no such thing as "once in a awhile" for an addict. Your wife is playing a deadly game with herself and this once a week use is going to take her down.

    I wish I had a magic solution for you but the fact is (as you already know) that until she really wants to stop using there is nothing within your control that can stop her. Some people have to hit bottom before they start looking up.

    Sometimes ultimatums help, most times not. For now just be there for her if she is making an honest effort.
    My prayers are with you...
  3. sailormom

    sailormom Well-Known Member

    Ditto What Spring says.
    Best wishes.
  4. lostdad

    lostdad New Member

    Honestly, I don't know if it is only once a week. It was an everyday habit. I am going off her actions and moods, and what she tells me. We have been having some seriuos fights about this in last 6 months. Other day in therapy I did hear her admit that she has a problem finally. She has gotten some info on going to meeting so I am hoping she will start this week. I also will be starting alanon meeting's also. All trust has been blown apart again. I want to believe she is not using anymore but I know only time will tell. She works in the restaurant industry, and I want her to quit her job, it's such a bad influence, but she wants to keep working to save money for massage therapy school. I have thought about about taking a loan out and help her pay for it, but I'm scared that if she doesn't do it on her own she not take it serious. I don't want to break up my family, but I did tell her after this last relapse that if she continue to use that we can't be together anymore. I have no idea if I will stick to that if another relapse happens, because I believe that it will only get that much worse for her. We have some fights but I do continue to show her love and support, but I don't want to deal with this to much longer. I know there is no timeline for this, and that really sucks. I am trying to get her back into yoga, and among all the other healthly activies she used to do, I am even gonna start trying to go to yoga with her. They kids are starting school this week so I am hoping to have more time to spend with her one on one. Thank for the advice.
  5. sailormom

    sailormom Well-Known Member

    Your right the restaurant industry is bad, it is full of drugs. If it was an everday habit it probably still is and her work gives her access. You are not the one breaking your family apart - she is but doesn't know it. She is forcing you into making decisions that you don't want to do. You have to do what is right for you and the children. In all honesty she needs to leave and go to rehab and come back when she is clean. I would drug test her regulary just like you would your teenager if they were using. You can buy them at any drug store.
  6. lostdad

    lostdad New Member

    She has taken one drug test for me which came back invalid (not positive, not negative), and says she will take one everyday if I want. I know there is no timeline, but I wish she would wake up. I am fighting depression, trying to find a silver lining. Besides this issue I also lost my father 2 months ago. I know its is not the answer but I find myself smoking more cigarette's and turning to alcohol more. I am looking forward to my first al anon meeting this week. We went to church today for the first time in like 2 years today. I am trying to stay strong but I'm scared of what's gonna happen if I finally break. Don't worry not thinking physical harm or anything. I am glad i found this site and will keep posting and reading here.
  7. sailormom

    sailormom Well-Known Member

    Wish I had some words of wisdom to help.. I lost my father 12 years ago and my mother 26 years ago.
  8. spring

    spring Administrator

    This usually means that either it wasnt pure urine (adulterated or diluted) OR there may have still been a small trace of opiates, OR it wasnt the proper temperature, meaning it didnt come directly from her body.
    Just a little hint from a former master manipulator...make sure the urine comes directly from her body into the cup.

    I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I hope you don't end up with an alcohol problem over this. It may help to show her that it's possible to deal with life issues without using a chemical crutch to take the edge off.
  9. southerngirl

    southerngirl Member

    I've lived with an addicted spouse for 22 years. I get what you are saying. I'm glad you have decided to go to Al-Anon. I just started and man, oh man - how I wish I had done it years ago. You will get some very much needed real life support there. Speak up. Tell them what is going on. Keep going. Keep sharing. Get a sponsor, but choose carefully - find someone who has btdt. Some may disagree, but having lived it myself I do not encourage you to keep trying to make this marriage work. Start building support for your children. Get into counseling with someone who can hold your hand as you make decisions and decide what is best for you and your children. You can't know how your wife will be in five years, no one can. But nothing you do or say will get through to someone who is floating happily on a heroin high. You are in survival mode and will likely stay there which will eventually get the best of you. You're already starting to experience it and it will not get easier. You need lots and lots of support, or at least I do. But it's hard to find. People don't get it. Counselors don't always get it. Doctors certainly don't get it. Pastors don't get it. It is a very lonely world for those of us in this situation. I'm sad for all of us - but most especially the kids involved. Take care of yourself - don't turn to alcohol or anything else that brings a temporary escape, it only makes it worse in the long run. Look at it this way - you are the only stable person in your kid's lives. You have to take care of yourself for their sake. Keep posting. Not too many spouses around here - but I'm here and I'm listening.
  10. StuckonSubs

    StuckonSubs Well-Known Member

    Yes, al-anon was going to be my suggestion as well. One thing I have found to be important - go check out some different meetings, different times & locations. Sometimes there are totally different groups of people at different meeting locations (their "home base"). Finding the right people and meetings for you is key.
    But just keep going. Get a sponsor. And WORK THE STEPS! You have to buy in and really do the work if you want it to truly help you.

    You can not make your wife stop using. She has to want it for herself. Sure, you can make it harder for her to use by staying on her butt. And that may or may not be enough motivation for her to stop.
    PILLS know I did not stop using until I wanted to. My family stayed on my butt and made it as hard as possible for me to use. And it helped some. But it also caused a Lot of fights and resentment. After a while I just stopped caring if they caught me using.

    Also, I would be a bit skeptical of a heroin addict who says they are only using once per week. Most addicts use every day. And if that is true that she is only using once per week, chances are high it won't stay that way for long. It very quickly turns into 3 times a week and then every day again...

    Do you know what she looks like when she is high? Once you know what it looks like, it's pretty easy to spot. Don't fall for that "oh I'm just tired" crap. If she is unable to keep her eyes open, she is not tired she is high. The eyes/pupils are a giveaway too. If the pupils don't dilate (stay big, or more likely they are pin point small) that will tell you if she used. Watch for the "nodding out" (falling asleep during different activities), slurred speech, pin point pupils, itching & scratching all the time (like constant itchy nose as an example, but it's not just the nose. Constant itching anywhere), or the inability to sit still. Or flu like symptoms during days she is not using (depending on how physically dependent she is at this point).

    She needs to get professional help too. At the very least NA meetings regularly. But if you can afford it, some type of drug counseling could help. Or possibly even an in-patient rehab if necessary. She has to be willing to make some changes to her lifestyle. At the very least she needs to Stay Away from the people, places and things that trigger her to use. Change that cell phone number and delete all those dealer phone numbers too.
    Maybe, if she sees a doctor, you could get her on something like Naltrexone pills or that vivitrol shot. They block opiates and more/less keep someone from being able to get high. It can make then feel sick instead of high. But a warning - there have been people who have overdosed trying to get high. Because they just kept doing more opiates and more opiates to try and overcome the blocking effects of the naltrexone.

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