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New here...it's 4 a.m. And I'm addicted

Discussion in 'Detoxing From Pain Meds' started by Swimmindory, Jun 26, 2017.

  1. Swimmindory

    Swimmindory New Member

    I'm so disgusted with myself that I don't feel like I can hang out with any of my old friends. Most of my time is spent with drug dealers and other users (I pathetically tell myself ("hey they're people too.") I barely respond to my old friends' texts when they check up on me, i don't want to fake it anymore by acting like I'm not letting substances completely consume my life.
    I started out with prescription opioids, and I'm crying just typing this because I've read that statistic so many times and always thought that wouldn't be me. God I feel like such a dumbass. Can you cuss on here? Ha
    It got really bad when my aunt died of cancer, seeing her die and get carried out in a body bag was pretty bad...not going to lie.
    I remember having to hold my little cousin back as she was screaming after her mom, she wanted to go with her...
    Yeah here I am crying some more. My first thought is "See, THIS is why I take opiates" I take it for the emotional pain more than anything. I was first prescribed them at the age of 13 when I was in a really bad car accident with my family around Christmas. I did a couple years of physical therapy and opted out of surgery bc I was so young. I thought joining a swim team in high school and college and taking these medications was the best way at the time...

    Anxiety...depression...chronic pain...low self esteem... And I got addicted to a little 30 mg blue pill called a "Roxy". I actually thought I was a better person on them. How messed up is that? Anyways...after my aunt passed away I met a guy that I started dating. We both took roxies all the time. We couldn't stop. It got to the point where I couldn't go hang out with him unless I went to go "pick up" first. Then we could continue this facade. It was like living a dream to me. He was very wealthy, my age 26 and already had multiple houses and boats and luxury European sports cars and a plane! I thought my aunt was doing me a solid from heaven by sending me this guy. Plus he was even the same ethnicity as me, Romanian. How often does that happen?
    But the dream turned into a nightmare. I'm going to cut this extremely short and say this ended up with me utterly and completely heartbroken. And both of us seek out heroin even though we deny it and act like we're clean any time we check up on each other. Well...when we USED to check up on each other. Last time I saw him he came at me with a crow bar...
    I've been in the hospital multiple times. I've been 51/50'd twice. I'm only 26 years old. Well that feels old to me. Seeing as how I haven't done anything productive since I was about 18. Well I have...but you get the picture.
    I failed to mention also being addicted to Xanax...I've been on that for about 4 years on and off (mostly on). I've done the worst thing to myself by training myself to pop those things like skittles any time I didn't like where my mind was going.

    Anyways, this is too long. I apologize. Well if you read this far maybe you can resonate? I'm enjoying this being anonymous thing. It's going to be 5 am soon and I'm wide awake. This isn't healthy and I wish so bad I had a Xanax...someone help:(
  2. peacenik

    peacenik Administrator

    Hi Swimmindory, I'm Dave admin and long time member here. I'm just off for break at work and I'll write more this afternoon, but I'll just say for now - Hang in there! The pain, withdrawal, etc will work in your favor if you can get to the point of facing up to things. If you kick this now, you never have to go through this again. Someone told me that many years ago and she was right. I'm still here. So hang in, I'll check on you later :)
  3. torn2bits

    torn2bits Well-Known Member

    Hang tight, please know you can step away, it'll take all your spirit to do so but you can do it... Best to you, ToRn
  4. torn2bits

    torn2bits Well-Known Member

  5. Bonita

    Bonita Well-Known Member

    Well, hopefully your just too ill right now to be able to type... TRUST, this will pass but got to stick with it to allow it. Check in when able?

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