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Discussion in 'Detoxing from Methadone' started by Cleanwithdreams7, May 22, 2011.

  1. Cleanwithdreams7

    Cleanwithdreams7 Well-Known Member

    NEW Here; My Journey Through Addiction

    Hello all. I'm new to the forum and would like to share my story with Opiates to you all, as well as my progress now a days. I started using Opiates when I was about 17 or so. At that time, I still hadn't had my first relationship yet and I had no idea what that side of life even was. I still didn't have a clue what love actually was or how wonderful it could really be. If this wasn't the case, sometimes I still think that I wouldn't have been so stupid and eager to get into this terrible crap to begin with! The first time I actually fell in love was the moment where I began to desire to stop using Opiates/Opioids for once in my life (before that time Opiates were my lover). But at that point I felt like it was already too late for me (I was physically addicted - not minor). After a while I started to realize how much better love actually was though (even compared to the big H). I still wish that I had fell in love before I was introduced to Opiates/Opioids, or even other drugs for that matter but some things we have no control over. If only I knew beforehand that life itself could be that good without drugs. At the same time though, I do truly believe to this day that if I didn't fall in love when I did I would most likely still be addicted to Opiates today and severely suffering or not here at all. No longer did I want to be living that lifestyle anymore. But like I said, I was already addicted by that point (and pretty damn far in to boot). I find it pretty retarded sometimes, because I hadn't even learnt what addiction actually meant or really was until I was already extremely far into the harder stuff like Oxys and Heroin. I mean, I had heard of the word 'addiction' but in reality, I had no clue what it really meant (I never thought as my using as abnormal). I still thought I was in control back then, but clearly I was in denial and the devil had me right where he wanted me (addiction is a possession or sorts). I was at that teenager stage in my life at the time where you think that you know it all (that age where you still think you're invincible).. I still remember the first time one of my old using buddies actually explained to me what addiction was (by that point I was using at least 80mgs of Oxy a day or more, and I remember not being able to comprehend why my life was starting to seem so ****ty and depressing whenever I was clean - I started to ask him why I felt the way I did). For the longest time I didn't even think I was addicted either. I just thought of it all as "normal", and my addict had every excuse in the book already down. I was filled with denial and I even had myself fooled at the time. I didn't understand back than why the stuff wasn't being used by everyone (as if it were the missing puzzle piece to my life). I thought that they were the dumb ones for not using it. I remember thinking that I had stumbled across some awesome secret... seems more like a curse to me now though. My Opiate addiction, my sick toxic love affair, started out with Codeine in the form of Tylenol 3's. I loved EVERYTHING about them from the beginning (they seemed "cool"). I was a big Pot head at the time as well and my life was already filled with anxiety and a bunch of other negative feelings all created from abusing Marijuana (for some, the gateway drug). So when I first tried a couple Tylenol 3's I felt like I was taken away from all of that. I felt "normal" for once or I guess, numbed out to an extent where I was able to smoke as much Marijuana as I wanted without it having those weird side-effects on me. It was the first time my world had been that numb, but also the first time my addict was born. I even still remember the first time those two T3's wore off. I had about 10 of them left over and my addict whispered in my ear for the first time, "why don't we just take a couple more" (it seemed logical enough, I had no comedown). At that time I was still pretty petrified of painkillers though, so I denied that voice and decided I wouldn't take anymore that night. It was all just too easy to get into. But later on, all just so hard to stop. I see now that Weed totally was my gateway drug (for me anyways). It just seems so harmless at first (you don't actually see what it's doing to you, especially when you're young). Before this point in my life I was always the shyest person in the world. And Pot well, Pot drained every inch of self-esteem outta me that I had! (I traded it all to be a full-time stoner). Which really didn't help things very much. I was pretty sensitive to things. I wasn't really comfortable in my own skin and I didn't even know how to love myself yet (that young age). But after I had my first Opiate experience that all seemed to change.. For once I didn't give a f%@# what people thought about me and I was able to say anything I wanted to anyone (I felt like I was on top of my world). I could be myself in front of anyone at any time without caring or worrying about stupid little things or being filled with anxiety. I felt like I could act the way that I always wanted to, and it would almost be torture to have to stop using something that made me feel so "normal". I almost started to wonder if it had something to do with my brain chemistry (I started to blame it on the fact that my Dad was a heavy addict; one who left me at a young age). Opiates/Opioids themselves however are the most addictive and insidious drug on the planet. So I continued on (my using started casually, as does most people but eventually it became every day - one binge was all it took to become hooked out of my control), and I thought it was the right thing to do back then before things backfired (the worst thing a person can do is drop their guard's against the drug itself - the moment I started to completely trust Opiates was a turning point in my life for the worst). At the time I was thinking that all of the stuff I had heard about Opiates/Opioids had been wrong (Heroin is bad, etc.). Just like all of the other drugs I had tried up until that point. They all seemed "not as bad" as I had been told my whole life, or I guess not as bad as I had thought drugs themselves were (Pot especially). I thought things had been exaggerated to me the whole time just to keep me away from something so good. I was convinced it was all a lie, and I really thought that I had hit the motherload. So you can see how easily my obsession was started from this point... The drug wars were always an interesting topic to me (I never fully understood what that term actually meant though). I thought of Opiates as the one thing in my life that was always missing. In a sense, I thought I had completed the puzzle. It all felt so meant to be and so right at the time. But the thing is, once I had my first experience with true love (two people; not a drug and a person), that's when I started to realize that maybe my whole theory I had down about Opiates being the one thing always missing wasn't as true as I believed it to be Sometimes I think to myself nowadays love in itself could have made me just as comfortable in my own skin as this sick toxic love affair with a chemical substance that was ruining my life. The problem was though, when I started to use Opiates, that was when I had felt like myself for once and had no problem talking to others. (Problem was, I forgot to add in to all of this that I hadn't stopped smoking Weed since I first started in grade 9). Did I just have to wait for the right person to come along? Or was I actually incapable of speaking to someone I was attracted to because of some sort of chemical unbalance? Maybe eventually I would have learned alone the way or fate would have came along, but I was so young at the time that I didn't even let myself find out if that eventually would be so; (instead I chose drugs... or did drugs choose me?). So eventually I started using Opiates. My short cut into what I thought was "cool", a short cut that ended up completely destroying my life (something addicts are really good at doing). "Don't hate the player hate the game". I have always thought that nothing beats love, and I still do to this day. I would much rather be in love with the right person than given a bunch of Heroin any day.. So from Codeine I eventually tried Percocet's (when the opportunity arose from a new friend at the time). After first trying the Codeine itself I remember becoming sort of curious about how Heroin might feel (don't get me wrong, it wasn't like I started to think, hey, "lets do some smack". It was more like "hmmm, I wonder how it would feel". I mean they were both in the same class of drugs, both from the poppy, and Codeine felt so harmless in itself, so cozy and easygoing; almost as if I thought using it was the right thing to do at the time - self medicating I guess you could say). It never was apparent to me before than that Opiates were so friendly. When it came to the Percocet I wanted to try it 'just once', just to see what all the fuss was about (I thought of it as Oxycodone, or Oxy, and at that time Oxy was something being talked about here and there by the people I went to school with; No one really thought of it as Heroin, even though in my opinion now a days, you might as well consider it synthetic Heroin). And I'm sure you all know how the 'just once' thing goes. There really was no such thing as 'just once' for me (it truly was an instant love affair, especially for someone who hadn't had their first kiss). I mean if you're given a delicious type of food that you absolutely adore, are you gonna have it 'just once', or are you eventually gonna go out and get some more? I think we both know the answer to that one. There was no comedown at the time, nothing to give me a sign that the drug actually was bad. This new friend of mine was a very bad influence at the time (he glamorized Oxys quite a bit). At that age I wasn't as independent, and I was very "impressionable". I still wish I hadn't met this guy back in high school, but like I said, some things we have no control over. Like I said, he liked to glamorize Opiates quite a bit, and he always made them seem extremely "cool". I later on found out that he had used Codeine already, back when he was about 10 or 11 after finding some in his medicine cabinet (so he was already ahead of me). He had obtained this chemical love affair waay before we even met. The way he had first explained Oxys to me was, "it's like a nice soothing warm bath". Nowadays I do wish I had picked my influences better (even though sometimes you don't "pick" the person, they pick you), because I honestly do think they can play a huge role in how things turn out, especially when you're that young. At first I would only use the Percs/Oxy weekly and I controlled it pretty well in the beginning (I had read up on it a bit and knew it could get pretty bad). I loved the Percs even more than the Codeine. Everything in my life seemed perfect to me at this point. I would think to myself, "why use Codeine when I could be using Percs?". In fact, in the beginning I only ate the Percs, and 1/4th at a time would get me lifted (i.e. 1/4th of 5mgs)! (It's actually crazy how much tolerance ends up affecting the dose later on). I had tried snorting a little bit of it before as well, but for some reason I enjoyed eating them a lot more back then. Maybe because of all of the gross Tylenol in them, or the longer length trip I got from eating them, I can't really remember. Actually, when I first got into Percs I told myself I would ONLY use them when I was tripping on Mushrooms. And don't get me wrong, I did only use them with the Mushrooms (which became a once a week thing - I loved Mushrooms). I think one of the things that changed that rule was when I found that the price of the two together (Mushrooms and Percocet's once a week; I may have still been using Marijuana every day at this point too) was getting to be a little too much for me. So instead I figured I'd just buy more Oxy instead of buying a bunch of Magic Mushrooms as well. I also used the excuse that I needed a break from the Psychedelics. And maybe I did. Nowadays though I would much rather be using Mushrooms then Opiates. I mean at least with those it would have just been a psychological deal (if that), or pretty much just fun. But with Opiates it became both extremely strongly psychological and very physically addicting (physically addicting means: past the users control, or out of their hands). Through time I had found a connection to the actual OC's (pure Oxycodone without Tylenol) and I figured, they have the same chemical that's in the Percs (Oxycodone), so why not give them a go? They were very addictive to say the least, and for some reason had a different feeling to them than the Percocet's (this I never understood, but I did hear of them changing the formula to non-abusive years later). Now eventually, a little ways down the road I decided to try snorting one of the 20's of OCs that I had when a bunch of my friends were around (this in itself was one of the most addictive things I have ever experienced drug wise). I think it was from there on that I decided that I would never eat one again if I had the choice (not only was it not painful on the nose (due to the fact that there was no Tylenol in them/PURE Oxycodone), but the rush in itself was incredible to say the least and the freedom of speech obtained afterwards blew my mind, as did the comfortability). The first rush in itself that I got from them was too unreal (I will say though, that it didn't last, even when I had to eventually up the dose). And oddly enough, it was so much different than a Percocet to me to. They may have had the same chemical (Oxycodone), but the high was just totally different to me for some reason (I had tried snorting a Percocet before; or some of one... and don't ask me why, but the feeling itself and high from snorting the OC's was extremely different than a Percocet - in a totally different class. At that point I absolutely loved OC's. I could never get enough. I would grab them whenever they were around and they quickly became my drug of choice (DOC), instantly actually. As time went by I eventually obtained more hookups (at first the connection/finding Oxys in itself was almost impossible for a while, it was more so a treat). Solid ones too, and my use gradually increased more and more without me really noticing. I think the addiction can come out in anyone, especially once the drug is more available and the user has more money to his or her name (it starts to rear its ugly head). I noticed that when I didn't have a constant hookup, me and my friend would be able to use it once a week or so (while thinking about them constantly in-between of course); The friend who introduced me to my first Percocet was using them as well at that point and at that time we we're pretty solid using buddies, we would both try to grab at the same time and try to make sure we didn't use too much (through time, this "friend" became like an evil twin). Right when I gained a constant hook-up to them I no longer had as much control, and I started to use the Oxys (OCs) a lot more than I had originally intended to. Go figure! I thought I was the coolest person in the world back then. The coolest person in my school, the coolest person in my group, etc. (the drugs themselves had made me extremely self-centered, and in the process I began to lose friends, as I would choose the drug over them and some simply were smart enough not to get themselves into it, as there's a common phenomenon around users especially when they're young that could only be explained as competition, and at this point my addict was ready to go full on and cling on to this pill as tight as possible)... When that "friend" I was telling you about decided to actually jump in and compete, it was literally like watching your twin (at least while you're both high on the same substance), and really seeing the devil take hold of not one, but two people until the battle finally comes to an end (someone decides to stop using/binging) and at least one of you are completely hooked. Unfortunately I was the one left physically addicted when the battle did come to an end and all possibilities of stopping were completely gone. (When you're both on the drug and as high as each other, the drug makes you come off as best friends forever/BFF, or blood brothers from another Mother as sick as that sounds, but when you do finally comedown it's like you don't even know the person). Hell though, I must have looked like such a stupid, carless young junkie back then, who knows. I only knew how I felt inside back then. I had no clue how I actually looked from the outside (I was extremely good at portraying it as "cool" though, or my "addict" was so to speak). I do know how other junkies look to me now a days (in other words, I've seen people on the streets, I've seen the homeless, and I've seen the aftereffects and it's not a nice site - scary is the least of words). I really glamorized that stuff a lot back then though (especially to my "group" of friends - we all used to be "Weed" buddies back in high school). It in itself though turned into a very big obsession very very fast (it only took about 5 months until I was very hooked and not nearly as satisfied, and about 1-2 weeks of constant every day use until cold-turkey came into play and P.A.W.S. started to build up more and more - one binge would seem completely harmless during, but only leave me scared ****less and in "cold-turkey" in the end. And if I was lucky enough to stop for say four days at a time, my ritual began with me "rewarding" myself with more of the drug for getting through those four days, which would continue the exact same cycle more and more until I eventually put my all into using and using alone). It came first before everything in my life (before I knew it, I loved the drug itself more than my video game system, more than my music (in fact music sounded like **** after mixing it with Opiates to begin with; it was ruined for me so to speak), and even more than my once loved guitar, until eventually, all of that stuff got sold for more drugs). The moment I woke up I thought about Opiates. It seems like when the world knows you use Opiates, new hookups will magically open up and the drug can go from pretty damn hard to find and very rare, to pretty damn easy to get and actually heard of. It's pretty crazy how this world works sometimes. So this is how I ended up getting that solid hookup that I was talking about... See, somewhere along the lines, a very heavy (sort of intimidating) user who had just gotten a job at my workplace(at the time), introduced himself to me out of the blue during our closing shift when we we're both left alone to close the place down. For some reason the conversation was quickly directed to what kind of drugs we had tried and eventually THE question was asked, "do you like Oxy?" - answering a simple "yes" was all it took. When he found out I liked Oxys it seemed as if he quickly got extremely friendly with me and tried to become almost my best friend so to speak. Within the first day of meeting the guy, already he was pulling his track marks out and glamorizing that side of his life... "Call me whenever you need". And that was that. He ended up getting me and my using friends Opiates/Opioids extremely often compared to our already not very frequent usage and rare hookups we were obtaining from our high school.. From him we also tried a bunch of other stuff besides just the OCs. You name it; Hydromorphone, Morphine, Fentanyl, etc. (it was like an Opiate pharmacy and the world started to shift). I was introduced into Opiate land and further into Pandora's box as time passed by. See this guy seemed to want me to be as f%#@ up and addicted as he was (needles and all). He even tried getting me to shoot up a few times in the past (when me and a friend declined we simple we're not "cool" as he put it. Okay we replied, "we're not cool"). One time I was even threatened and told that I wouldn't get me any more Opiates if I didn't shoot up the Oxys he had gotten me that night. Thank God I wouldn't actually hang out with the guy, or I bet somewhere along the lines he would have further influenced me and I very well could have gotten into needles. I only scored from him, he was a shady character as is (there we're quite a few times where he did not return with the nights supply of drugs or simply jacked money from me or a friend, until eventually we began to realize he wasn't going to pay us back and indeed was suing us for his own fix (I was never a fan of needles). Before I met him there was only pros to the drug for me, no cons really yet. I was always very careful and I didn't want the terrible withdrawals I had heard about. Sometimes I seriously wish I had never gotten that job, however, it was and still is one of the best places I have had a chance to work at (not including running into the other user). I wish I never met him, especially at that age. But the thing is, sometimes life throws you stuff you don't expect to come your way (some people simply call it destiny, others fate). This guy was a lot older than I was as well and he simply just loved to shoot up. Why did I meet the dude when I just started to get into Oxy? That I will never understand. Soon I was unexpectedly introduced to one of his friends during a night where he had to go out to score. They we're very friendly. He had however told me not to get anything from this friend of his and only to score from him. But his friend later told me that they could get me the stuff that the other guy was getting me for even cheaper! Because apparently, he was ripping me off. Go figure. So why not I figured. On went the journey. So I started to go to his friend instead which became my friend. I will admit that it was better than having to see someone who brags about his track marks constantly, jack you and tries to influence the needle itself on you. This new hookup didn't shoot up, however they we're into the same stuff as me. From her I was surprisingly eventually introduced to Heroin (curiosity killed the cat). For a while they controlled how much they sold to me (OCs included) and wouldn't get for me all the time, which was cool at the time. But then one day, this new acquaintance of mine had decided to quit using Opiates for good and clean up. I guess their life had been getting pretty outta control for a while now with the drugs? So they decided to go on MMT, get professional help and leave the dope game. At this point I was just beginning really. When this happened they ended up giving me the two main hookups that they were using at the time (it was all just too easy back than, almost as if the hookups just kept coming to my door; how could I say no?). See I guess they couldn't see them anymore if she was seriously quitting (which makes sense), which meant that they would no longer be be able to score for me anymore unless I was given the direct hookups and put in charge. They were the DIRECT, MAIN hookups to my two DOCs, which were Pure Oxycodone in the form of OCs and of course the big bad H. This is the worst thing that could have happened to me at that point, but of course at the time I thought it was the best thing ever! So when I got those direct hookups, I could get both of the drugs that I obsessed about ALL the time, ANY day that I wanted at ANY time of the day. This is what messed me up the most to be honest. I couldn't control those hookups on my own, especially at that point, not even close! "Hard" drugs are called "hard" for a reason. At first it seemed to be a good thing in my eyes, but afterwards I learnt that it was a very bad thing indeed. Out of my control faster than a blink of an eye to say the least. This is how I became a puppet on a string to Opiates/Opioids (and Heroin; the antichrist). Now skip a bit forward down the road.. Things were moving very fast. I had just turned 18 and I was offered my first credit card by my bank. They were very convincing and friendly (business people do what they do I guess and I was young and dumb). So one day I had gotten the credit card in the mail, but I wasn't so sure if I even wanted to activate it (I simply said yes to the thing so the guy would **** up at the time). So I left it laying around for a while... Then one day, when I had no money whatsoever and I really wanted to get high, I decided to activate the card and use it 'just once', and then pay it off right away (seemed harmless enough right?). Again, there's the term 'just once' ;). The card had a $1000 limit (which seemed like quite a bit of money to me at the time)... At this point I had just gotten more into Heroin. At first snorting it, but when I was told about "chasing the dragon" I caved, and tried smoking it (better than needles I guess). It was even more so an instant love affair from there (I remember when I still thought it was cool, my first bag of H, I remember looking at it and having the thought of Kurt Cobain enter my mind - I had grown up listening to his music quite a bit before I knew what the lyrics actually meant). I remember the first time that the smoke/vapor got inhaled and I felt that instant rush, I thought to myself, "this is it, this is what I've been looking for all along, this is what's been missing from my life!" ... until I actually fell in love that is... Heroin seemed so much better than Oxy's at the time. It was WAY cheaper and it got me WAY higher. It seemed like a miracle drug to me (the pros we're simply just too much at first). The cheapest drug on the planet at the time... was the BEST as well. What more could I ask for? I should have known it was all too good to be true. This didn't last long... Opiates/Opioids never do. Some of my first hookups to H were the purest one's I have ever gotten to taste in my entire life. So pure that the powder was an 'off-white' color, VERY close to white. So close to white that I could have disguised it as Cocaine from a far. It was basically "China White". As weird as it may sound, right when I got that credit card the BEST quality H I have ever tasted starting to come around. And it didn't leave or get ****tier in quality either until my credit card was completely and entirely maxed out (those Heroin binges really made me step over the line of no return, that's for damn sure) . That stuff was FAR TOO GOOD, and I shouldn't have gotten into it in the first place, but I was young, dumb and outta control. And so continued the binge that lasted me 2.5-3 years of my life, with many many excuses, walls and denial along the way, and of course FEAR. I became tangled, twisted, and stuck in a place where I really didn't want to be but had no choice in the matter. I became Opiates little bit#h, and later Heroin's ***** I remember having to spend over a bill a night just to get a mild something from Oxys and at least feel like I sort of had my actual soul back for the night and if I was lucky a bit of a high (my endorphins, my very happiness, was completely drained, stolen from me by the drugs). After I got that credit card I found that I really couldn't control it anymore, AT ALL (especially with the unlimited hookups and friends to use with). It was definitely now controlling me. All it took was those hook-ups and more money then I knew what to do with. Especially with that good quality H going around, I was no longer being safe about my usage. I just didn't seem to care anymore. I stopped being scared of the drug and that's one of the things that you should NEVER EVER do! Once you do that, you know you're completely ****ed. My addict would lie to me and make it all seem okay (and the scary thing is, it's your own voice so you can't really say no to it or deny it... how could your own voice lie to you or be wrong? That folks is what they call "addiction"). It'd tell me for example, that I'd be able to wean off when I need to, pay off the credit card afterwards, and that it would all be very worth it (it wouldn't be a big deal it would say) - it always new just what to say. And honestly, at the time when I was that high and blindfolded, my addict or the drug itself had somehow tricked me into believing that it was worth it and I believed it (consequence is something that is untouchable until you're forced to come back to reality, that's simply how high those drugs get you). I can tell you now that it wasn't worth it, not even close, and that it NEVER will be (unfortunately though, I wasn't able to see that until it was too late). I had to learn this the hard way (the joy of being a dumb teenager). You only think it's worth it! That's simply what Heroin/Opiates do. It all got extremely outta control VERY fast (especially when it came to H). That drug ruins your life VERY fast, and before you know it you're not even getting high anymore, you're just using to feel 'normal', or as normal as you can get. I was using extremely large amounts very fast (before I knew it, sometimes .6 points in a night), and my wallet was being drained at the same time without me having enough say in the matter to actually hold on to my money (and my tolerance, well, that was sky rocketing). Heroin has a way of cranking your addiction up a couple notches. This means, bigger tolerance, more money spent, more desperation than ever and even worse withdrawals to deal with (or not, if you decide to continue using). The drug that was first the cheapest drug in the world when I first started using, now became the most expensive thing in my entire life that I HAD to keep up with, or suffer the consequences (which we're too much for me to face by myself - withdrawal was simply something I wasn't even willing to face in all honesty, that's just how short-acting Opiates/Opioids are; too much for the human body, and the FEAR itself is just unreal). Some days I was smoking 6 bags of it in a nights sitting (just a little over half a gram). And in my area, that wasn't cheap. That much junk was just under two bills for me, so you could see how beyond broke I was getting at this point. And even that much didn't satisfy me most of the time at that point. I eventually just stopped getting high completely. It wasn't even fun anymore, it was a sick necessity. I ended up spending my whole credit card on the stupid stuff extremely fast too, like a little over a week I think. Soon I started to sell all of my important belongings for more junk, and I mean ALL. It was kinda like the in the movies when it all came to an end (metaphorically). My room was pretty much just a matress on the ground which I slept on and that was about it. I even started stealing money from my parents when I heard the word Heroin. Soon I started shoplifting things. I started begging friends and family for money (I was known as the leech), going higher and higher into debt without even a thought to how I might pay it off afterwards. I was always scheming up new ways to get money; until finally, I literally ran out of ways. I was completely dry in every direction possible. I simply had no more options left. The only option really left was to rob a pharmacy and go to jail forever. I was so messed up sometimes and in withdrawal that I would actually considered doing it to (can you believe that?), but luckily I didn't go that far. I decided I would be better off not having to spend years in jail, as well as go through the drama. See when you're using something like Opiates time will literally fly by (in the moment it seemed normal; but once I came down the high was quickly forgotten and eventually a year literally legitly became a giant blurr). Before I knew it I had a big addiction that I never thought I could have in the first place - I always thought such a thing was impossible; at a point I even thought I was different than what I had read, or the experiences on Erowid, etc., and that I could actually control my using (everyone thinks they can control it at first). But eventually I was left with a huge ape on my back who actually enjoyed beating the living $hitt out of me until I fed him more drugs, "Finally" was the response. (I even remember my addict saying that he actually thought it was worth getting caught shoplifting once he had gotten his little Oxycontin 40mg pill into his system that night, let me refrain that, "that was worth it"). While at the same time, metaphorically raping the entire family and loved one's without actually knowing it and leaving it all on my slate in the end (sort of like walking through a dark hall with a blindfold on and not knowing what you're going to open your eyes to). The addicted will merely wish that they never learned to trust such a stupid drug to begin with. You will wish that you never started in the first place so to speak. And in the end, you'll ask yourself, "where did the time go?". By that point, it wasn't fun and games anymore. It was simply TORTURE. At times when I couldn't get my DOC's, I would do anything I could get my hands on to get out of the hell that had become my once loved life (be it Morphine, Fentanyl, Codeine, Poppy tea if desperate enough, Hydromorphone, etc., you name it). In my area Heroin is (or was at the time) the rarest thing on the planet, so by the time my Heroin hookup finally went away my tolerance had already skyrocketed through the roof and out of my control! I never thought I would try Heroin either (we all hear the warnings and stigma about it growing up). But once I started snorting the pure Oxycodone, or the OCs, when Heroin was offered and I realized you didn't actually have to shoot it like they do on movies my mind simply shifted to I guess I'll just try it out (and that was it). The grim reaper so to speak. I went back to OCs afterwards telling myself I'd face those TERRIBLE H withdrawals later on, and that maybe the Oxy would even wean me down a little bit from the HUGE amounts of Heroin that I was consuming (Heroin became my new Oxy and Oxycontin quickly became my new air). But my tolerance had doubled by then (and maybe even more), from all of the H. Instead of being able to be completely be satisfied off of 40mgs of Oxy in a day (spread out too, not just all at once), now I had to use AT LEAST 80mgs of Oxy all at once just to feel anywhere close to how I used to feel. And most, if not all of the time, I wouldn't even be high enough to puke anymore. The H seemed to create a giant black hole inside of me that was simply never able to be filled no matter what I did. When I left the H and went back to the OCs again, I clearly remember never truly feeling satisfied (I would grab H whenever possible at that point). What started out as what I thought of as Heaven ended up resulting in hellish days on earth (hell is the least of words I can use to explain it). I have heard of Heroin withdrawals being worse than a pregnancy. In the end I was using about 200-250mgs of Oxy all in one snort (about 4-5 pills at a time; more than enough to kill a new user), and I would barely even get a high from that at that point!! It just became so ridiculous. A poor shot at self-maintenance basically. It just made me feel "normal" at the times I would get to use, sort of like a person being treated by Methadone would feel (not high, but maintained). I hated it all so very much (the lifestyle itself was hell, the shoplifting, selling valuables, losing friends, losing jobs, ruining future Resumes, losing respect, the rumors, the stigma etc.). I literally didn't want to live anymore if life meant feeling how I was left feeling when I didn't have the drugs. I felt forced to continue on a path that I didn't really want to be on anymore. I felt trapped, hopeless and very helpless (and before it was too late I didn't actually know how to reach out and ask for or get serious help; that was one of my biggest mistakes, was actually trying to conquer it on my own.) You're left to fight for yourself in a battle that most people sadly enough lose if not treated or looked at properly. And when you're hooked, the only thing that seems to really help you feel better about it all is the drug that got you there in the first place. It was so insane and confusing for me. I honestly expected to die young from the drug using alone. In the past couple years of using I had lost ALL of my jobs. Most of them from calling in sick day in and day out, or stealing something stupid while in that place of desperation caused by the drug. Pretty much just not being able to keep up with the job like a normal human being would be able to. And if I had to work during the physical withdrawal period itself I wouldn't really call it working, and I eventually would get sent home for being too sick and leave the workplace I was at with confusion over time (I was the guy who called in sick about 20 times within 30 days due to being dope sick). They never would really know what was wrong with me, but it always caused trouble and I was always talked to by the Boss eventually. Some people could tell that I hated my life, it was pretty damn bad in itself (but all I was able to think of was more drugs or my next "fix"; I guess that's why they call it a fix). At a point I had just gotten outta jail a while back for some mindless shoplifting done too many times out of desperation, which I eventually got caught on camera for. I was thrown in jail for four long a$# days. THANK GOD it was no longer than that though! There I was forced to go through the actual acute withdrawal for the first time in ever (when you're locked up surprisingly withdrawal doesn't seem as bad as when you're free). I will never forget those four extremely long days which literally felt like an eternity to me. It was a hellish time in my life to say the least (but withdrawal wise, that was just the beginning, as I had just met a girl. Also, at this point I had thousands of dollars of debt racked up which wasn't going any lower! See, that one credit card stretched, and in a couple of years I had way more than I had bargained for! I told myself I'd pay off the credit card right away, but instead my debt just went higher and higher, and I would think nothing of it when I was high due to the blindfold. The "using" me had basically left my sober person completely screwed, and most of the time I wouldn't want to be alive unless I was high (it all became unbearable). This person however was someone who did manage to shed some light on my life and the situation itself. I just had so many problems though. It was like what they call an '"avalanche effect"'. Basically, there's only so much that the human body can physically handle. So when I lost my last and final job at the time I was left moneyless and jobless. I continued getting high and ignoring the facts until I hit my biggest rock bottom (my first hospital visit). I was a chronic relapser as they say. And I just couldn't seem to do it on my own, no matter how many times I had tried to beat it, over and over. I didn't want to face those horrible withdrawals/ I had to find away to let them go and put them behind me and for me honestly Methadone was it. The first time they gave me Methadone (10mgs to begin with), I felt good for the first time in a lonnng time. Sort of relaxed, warm again, "normal", and content with things for a change. And best of all, it lasted me all day. No more quick, confusing fixes. I don't get high on my Methadone at all right now actually. It normal's me out and makes me not crave the substances that almost killed me. It fills the receptor sites that were created by the Opiate use, but without the euphoria or high. I still have emotions like anybody, I still feel pain, can cry, and basically do everything else the average bear can do. I've been on it for about a year and my life has totally changed in A LOT of ways. It's definitely for the better. My debt hasn't gone any higher, it's gone a lot lower and is going to continue to. I've gotten lots of my stuff back that I had sold before as well. I've even gotten back into sports again and I feel so much more passionate about my life right now. I am continuing to rebuild my life to this day. But with the Methadone, at least I was actually able to start somewhere before things got even worse. I was given a new chance :). Something that I never thought would happen. I don't use any other drugs anymore either. I enjoy life sober now :). I don't have dreams about Opiates anymore either. I enjoy my dreams these days (I sleep well for a change). I've also gotten back friends and family, and they both give me more respect now as well. I can tell that they like the new person that I am today. And I'm starting to get there trust back more and more as time progresses as well. And best of all, since I haven't felt those good feeling opiates in about a year, or gotten "high", I don't even remember the feeling of them to well anymore. And to be honest, I couldn't care a damn about something that led me into that lifestyle, and nearly killed me to boot. My obsession with them is dead and in the past. It's been so long that the feeling's not fresh anymore either, and I feel like I could control things again. I'm totally disgusted by Opiates now! I'm leaving those drugs behind me for good. The highest dose I went to was 90mgs of Methadone a day, and a couple months ago I started weaning on my dose. At 90mgs the side-effects were a little too much for me (sweating, etc.), so I figured the dose must be a little too high. So I decided I'd start weaning down, until I get to a dose that holds me 'just right' and doesn't have too much side-effects. A dose that I can still be comfortable on, until my life is re-gained and I can figure out what I am going to do than. Basically, "not too much, but not too little". * I don't think I'm going to be on Methadone for life. But I do plan to use it for the right purposes, and to get myself to where I feel that I should be before coming off. The original plan was to stay on the Methadone for as long as I was using the other Opiates for (at least) before weaning down. Methadone can help users get there life back and in order. It can help them have things at a good spot, so that if they decide to come off they will actually have more of a fighting chance at staying clean.. Compared to when they tried to get clean previously off of the other Opiates or Opioids, but didn't have their life in a good place and didn't feel it was worth it. This can make all the difference when it comes to staying clean. And I think it's important to have the right kind of support and the right kind of knowledge about your addiction beforehand as well. The right kind of tools is very important when it comes to your sobriety. I figure the time that I'm on the Methadone will give me the time to get my life back, and to where I want it to be before I consider coming off. Some of the stuff I am planning is, have a good steady job, have worked the 12 steps, be going to meetings and some kind of program specialized in addiction, have a sponsor, be clean from ALL other substances for AT LEAST a year or more beforehand, learn more about my addiction from professionals, maybe see some kind of shrink to help me figure some stuff out and do some deep soul searching (who knows), have more knowledge about the addiction and using in general, gain tools to better handle stress/pain and cope in certain situations, maybe have a better education by then, have my own place, a license, actually have stuff for myself, etc.. basically build a new life. I figure it would be best to have things in a good spot before I jump off.. Instead of having to do all of that stuff after getting clean and risk relapsing in-between. I know when I was using, not having a life or not having my dreams accomplished used to be one of my big excuses to use. But now I plan to accomplish a lot of my dreams. And I finally feel like it is possible :). Today I am down to 48 mgs of Methadone a day, which I am very happy at. I do not get the sweating and I am still comfortable as well. For me, it is not too much Methadone. As with everything in life, a balance is always important. I'll update this in the future and log how things are going with the Methadone and my life in general. I am using this as a kind of journal so that I can look back on it in the future. And in all honesty, and I would much much rather be using Methadone than any other Opiates/Opioids right now. When it comes to weaning down, in my opinion slow and steady wins the race. The less pain one has to go through, the better… And the less of a chance of a relapse or unwanted cravings. Note: These are just my thoughts now. I don't know how my brain would think without the Methadone. But I would never want to live the life that I had to live on the other Opiates/Opioids EVER again. I would not wish it on my worst enemy, and I mean that with all my heart. As much as I used to think that I could control things back then, I really couldn't. I will never be able to control that drug, or any drug that I was addicted to for that matter. There is no balance when it comes to Opiates/Opioids, there is no moderation, there is no control, and that's why a lot of us are where we are today. I was turned into a puppet on a string. And the way I see it, usually things that are that good are too good to be true. I'm still pretty young as well though. So I guess it's kinda better than starting Opiates when I'm already half way through my life, and risk losing everything important than (like a family, a car, bigger things, etc.). Having to start over at that point would be pretty rough IMO. My prayers go out to the people who have it rougher than I do. I'm glad it ended the way it did for me though. If I hadn't been brought to that hospital when I was, I wouldn't have even have given the Methadone a thought. Most likely, the addict in me at the time would've told himself that he'd rather fill the receptors with something that's going to get him high, instead of the Methadone treatment. And even though the drugs weren't really getting me high in the end, that's still just how ridiculous my thoughts used to be. And at the rate things were going I have no clue where I would have ended up if I kept going down that road. It was getting so terrible, and the only way I was able to handle any of it was is if I was high. I'm really glad my rock bottom wasn't death. I feel fortunate to have escaped. Is there anyone out there who is in a similar situation? And if so, how is it going for you these days? All the support and replies would be greatly appreciated. I know it's pretty damn long, but I find getting all of this out is kind of therapeutic for me. For anyone who read this far, thanks for reading my story. Best of luck to anyone who is fighting an Opiate addiction of ANY kind! And to the family members as well, GOD BLESS!!
    Last edited: Apr 3, 2015
  2. Rainier

    Rainier Well-Known Member

    Well, hell, I went straight from methadone to fentanyl, so I can't say much about that.

    But I had to jump in here anyway - cause I'm one of them old people you're talking about. I started using very young, though, so have spent better than 25 years on various kinds of dope, and can tell you, it sucks.

    The first time I really got clean off of hard drugs (meth & H), I was just about your age. And wish I'd have never gone back to the sht. Might not have, if circumstances had been a little bit different. What worked for me at that time was crazy amounts of exercise, mostly tons of martial arts training. I'm trying to get back into working out now, and am feeling every moment of the intervening years of hard living.

    And you know - I'm not that old. 40+ seems positively ancient from where you sit, I know - but it isn't, really. (Cue southern accent: From where I sit, you is just a child.) Still, you would do well to stay the fck away from the opiates once you get free of the methadone, 'cause like I said, being a 'lifer' just sucks.

    Best of luck with your taper - sounds like you are doing really well so far.

    BTW - that fabulous white H you were talking about? Most likely it was mostly fentanyl or something similar. The white stuff usually is.
    Last edited: May 22, 2011
  3. peacenik

    peacenik Administrator

    Hi Nate, Welcome to the forum. The best of luck on your detox. I hope you'll feel free to come and post how it's going. A lot of us have been through it and can cheer you on.

    You probably should read all around the forum. There's lots of threads detailing how people have gotten off. Myself, I kicked methadone many years ago and have been enjoying life drug free ever since. Try reading our "Success Stories" thread:
    my story is there - about the 11th post down.

  4. Cleanwithdreams7

    Cleanwithdreams7 Well-Known Member


    And Ranier, I've had H with Fenanyl in the past. And have also smoked Fentanyl on it's own, as well as put a blotter size sheet of it on my tongue for absorption way back in the day. So when I was still using that crap I was pretty familar with the way it all felt.

    Some of the first batches of the H I was using were definitely waay too good. Basically "China White". But that's kinda typical I would think. Selling me and my using buddies the BEST stuff in the beginning, and than once we get a taste, making it worse and worse through time.

    Thanks for your story though Ranier. It's always good to know I'm not alone in all of this madness.

    And I wasn't refering to people your age on Opiates as being a bad thing, or too old. Just that it would be tougher if the indivual lost everything than, you know what I mean? Mainly because they would probably have much more important and expensive stuff at that age, like their own house, car etc.. Meaning I didn't have any kids, a car, my own house, or anything like that to lose (thankfully).

    You can still get off if you chose to, and you would have just as much of a chance as I would I would think. As long as you really wanted to get off that is.

    Also, I've read of people who were on Methadone for 25+ years, that decided to come off than and actually did so, succeeded, and are still doing very well. Lots of them even love their life again. So anything's possible really.

    You can do most if not anything you put your mind to really, and you don't have to let it bring you down for the rest of your life either.

    "Life is what you make of it".

    It may be pretty hard to get clean for some, but in the end it's totally worth it in my opinion.

    Someone I heard about got into the stuff when he was older than me (in his 40s). And he lost his house, car, wife, kids (everything really). He was a very wealthy man before all of this too. This is what got me thinkin about the people who are older than me. That's all. So again, no offense.

    I really couldn't imagine losing everything than. I feel for those people.

    Best of luck to you man!! As well as everyone out there!!

    God bless!!!
    Last edited: Dec 8, 2014
  5. Cleanwithdreams7

    Cleanwithdreams7 Well-Known Member

    And I'm glad to hear that you kicked it Dave! Congrats!! :)
    Last edited: Dec 8, 2014
  6. kristin

    kristin Well-Known Member

    Hey nate, welcome to the forum. I have been on and off of here for years, and i have to tell you i couldnt have gotten off methadone without the help and advice of the people on here.
    Ive been using drugs since i was a teenager, and my mid 20's i got so bad that i almost died of overdoses 3 times in a year and a half. i would not listen to anyone who told me the right things to do cuz i wasnt interested in doing them. once i finally got to a point where i did want the change, and i wanted it so much that i was willing to suffer some temporary discomfort and pain in order to get past it all and be free..and thats exactly what i did.
    i took my last dose of methadone march 6th 2011, after being on it for about 2 years this time around. I went as high as 100mg at one point, finally admitted to myself that i kept increasing cuz i wanted it to make me high, and started going down. I did 5mg a week for quite a while and i never noticed any WD symptoms until i got below 20mg. once i made it there i slowed it down but not too much..i was impatient to get off it by this time because years of drinking my dose on an empty stomach was causing me lots of other problems and alot of stomach pain...I think i was going down about 2mg a week. i made it all the way to 6mg before the wds got to be more than i could handle while working full time. i had to go back up to maintain until i got some time off, which i did in march. i jumped off 20mg, took no opiate of any kind for 5 days, then did a little suboxone taper to control the real bad symptoms for a few weeks. may 29th will mark 2 months since my last dose of sub, i had slight paws but not bad considering how long i was on methadone, but i was told that i avoided bad paws by going down gradually. i gotta go right now but will write more soon. please message me with any questions, im new at this too, but nate you sound like youre really committed to being free of these opioid handcuffs. i promise that after the detox is a life you cant even imagine. happy joyous and free! keep it up dont get discouraged if you have a bad day here and there
  7. Cleanwithdreams7

    Cleanwithdreams7 Well-Known Member

    Thanks Kristen!!

    And that's really awesome to hear that you got off of it as well!! And very sweet that your PAWS are managable too after such a length!! You sound like you're doing really well! :)

    It sounds like slow and steady won the race for you. I think that's what I'm gonna follow throughout my detox to.

    And I went to that "Success Storys" thread yesterday evening. Until yesterday night I hadn't really read of too many people getting through it completely, and of their life afterwards. That threads really awesome actually :).

    Now I'm even more determined to get there some day!

    Thanks!! :)
    Last edited: Dec 8, 2014
  8. kristin

    kristin Well-Known Member

    im glad i could be of some help to you nate.. my only other advice to you would be dont take half your dose sometimes and the full dose the rest of the time..i was told that skipping back and forth is actually kinda hard on your body..it finds it confusing. keep it as steady as you can. dont be in too big of a hurry but dont let yourself slack or backtrack either..easier said than done i know, its hard for us all-or-nothing people to find a balance, but just do what you can to keep that dose steady while still decreasing. i firmly believe my kick was easier this time because i decreased so slowly and steadily. but you sound awesome im so glad you woke up feeling good the other day! you have so many more of those days to look forward to if you keep going in this direction. you can totally do this! and haha yeah the sweating! i still have a slight issue with it 3 months after i kicked..my roommate calls me "armpit-stain" if that says anything:) theres so much to look forward to in life without those "liquid handcuffs" as we refer to methadone in my family. believe in yourself..i know that sounds cliche but if you believe youre gonna do this..you will wake up one day and realize "hey, i dont have to go to the clinic anymore" i wish that for you, nate
  9. Cleanwithdreams7

    Cleanwithdreams7 Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the advice!!

    I kinda realized 3 days after taking that half dose, that it actually didn't magically fix everything completely. It may have made the day after the half dose easier, but afterwards I did still feel a bit off. So I'm not so sure if it was actually worth it.

    This weekend(2 weeks since the wean), I didn't take half of my dose or anything like that. I just took the normal dose. I think I'm just gonna stick with the normal dose from now on to.

    And I was talking to my doctor and after hearing some of your guys opinons as well, I decided the next time I wean I'm gonna do it by 5mgs a month until I find my place. Instead of the 10mgs a month that I was doing.

    I'm in no rush or anything.

    And the more comfortable I can be the better.

    Thanks again!! =)
    Last edited: Nov 5, 2011
  10. davy87nj

    davy87nj Active Member

    Hey. Good luck with your detox!. you can do it. I recently got off methadone, i have a little over 5 months completely clean off opiates of all kinds. It was hard for me, i think i went way to quick, so my advice is to take it slow. It will be better once you finally jump off.

    Reading your thread hit home for me. I started useing oxys and H in a new place where i knew nobody. all new friends. im a pretty nervous and shy person. the opiates changed all that. made talking to girls and all that so easy. so i know how you felt/feel.

    I been off 5 months and its great. its weird for me, its like i was reborn or something. started over, i didnt even know who i was till i got clean and now im just starting to learn. Good luck and best wishes!
  11. Cleanwithdreams7

    Cleanwithdreams7 Well-Known Member


    That's awesome to hear davy87nj!! I'm very happy for you! :)

    Today I lowered my dose from 60-55mgs.

    And the last time I lowered(which was a month ago), I lowered by 10mgs instead and found it a little bit rough.

    I don't think 5 should be very bad.

    It just seems like a little while ago that I was still on 90mgs.

    And that's awesome that your doing good even after you've done the final jump!!

    Best of luck!!
    Last edited: Nov 5, 2011
  12. Cleanwithdreams7

    Cleanwithdreams7 Well-Known Member

    Update: I went from 55-50mgs a day a couple of days ago.

    I have been weaning down 5mgs a month and am finding it pretty easy so far.

    In my opinion the slower the better.

    Things are going pretty good!!

    If any others are weaning down my best advice to you would be to go as slow as possible throughout.

    There will be a day when you will be off it eventually!! Don't rush it and risk something so big.

    I'm also reaching my first year mark away from the other Opiates soon!! I'm feeling prett happy about it.

    I'm so glad things have turned around as much as they have already. I think the Methadone was exactly what I needed at that time, and I really don't know where I'd be without it.

    It's been so long since I've used the other stuff, and the feelings not fresh anymore. I really couldn't give a damn about something that destroyed my life.

    I'm very thankful things are how they are today! :)
    Last edited: Nov 5, 2011
  13. Cleanwithdreams7

    Cleanwithdreams7 Well-Known Member

    Update: I recently stopped smoking Marijuana as well, hopefully for good.

    This is the longest I have stopped smoking the stuff since I've started(on my own without force that is, and for myself).

    Today is day 24 without any Pot and life is even more awesome than it was when I was smoking!! :)

    I'm loving things right now. And I'm really glad that I chose to stop at this point in my life, and not any later. I was sick of wasting my time.
    Last edited: Nov 5, 2011
  14. Bonita

    Bonita Well-Known Member

    So how is the methadone taper going?
  15. Cleanwithdreams7

    Cleanwithdreams7 Well-Known Member

    Hey Bonita.

    So far no problems with it yet really.

    I have been on this dose for about a month now and in about a week I will be weaning down another 5mgs.

    It is going very slow, but at the same time pretty comfortably.

    I will update things once I go down by 5mgs in about a week or so, and let you all know how it goes.

    Thanks for asking Bonita! :)
    Last edited: Nov 5, 2011
  16. Cleanwithdreams7

    Cleanwithdreams7 Well-Known Member

    Update: I went down to 45mgs a day today!!

    Slow and steady :).
    Last edited: Nov 5, 2011
  17. Cleanwithdreams7

    Cleanwithdreams7 Well-Known Member

    Update: I went down to 40mgs this morning.

    Without the Pot in my life I'm finding weaning down seems easier, so far.

    I really can't complain :).
    Last edited: Nov 5, 2011
  18. Cleanwithdreams7

    Cleanwithdreams7 Well-Known Member

    Note: I guess I am kinda using these entries as a journal in a way. I plan to look over them all afterwards and keep them. So try not to mind my rambling lol.

    This month, I have decided to stay on this dose for another month(so far) and see how I feel. I'm thinking I might just stop here and work on building my life more until things are more where I want them to be.

    I was starting to get sick of getting used to the new dose a week or two before I weaned down every month. And than having to do it allll over again every time. It can kinda get a bit repetitive after a while.

    I think this was a good idea on my part. And I'm glad I don't have to wean down again this soon.

    I really was starting to get sick of doing it as often as I was. It can kinda get to you, and can start to seem like a rollercoaster after a while if you know what I mean. This last wean seemed to effect my life a little more so than the others for the first couple weeks.

    I've been really enjoying my life ever since I felt my body get more used to the new dose though. And it feels good to know that the next while is going to be enjoyable and easy going throughout as well.

    Since I've stopped smoking Pot(91 days ago), this is the first time that I haven't been weaning down on my dose since. And I think it's important to enjoy life this way and not risk relapsing on Pot or anything stupid because of a wean. Since I stopped smoking, I never really got to enjoy this part of my sobriety for this long.

    And everything has been going pretty well to :).

    The last wean seemed the hardest of them all actually. But I'm thinking I might have been feeling more than just the one wean at a time as well. So this is why it's important to take breaks when weaning down sometimes.

    I don't like being a crabby person or having mood swings all because of a wean. It really can effect important areas of your life sometimes.

    I will update things later on and once I decide what I want to do I will have more things together.

    For now, I am kinda using these as a journal and a way to let my thoughts out at the same time.

    I also wanted to give a big thank you to everyone for all the help and support throughout! I really appreciate it a lot! :)

    And again, best of luck to everyone on your own journeys!
    Last edited: Dec 8, 2014
  19. Cleanwithdreams7

    Cleanwithdreams7 Well-Known Member

    Before I get into what I'm going to get into below, I want to point out that not only do short-acting Opiates aka Narcotics quickly destroy your life, but they also make you extremely stupid (during and after). A loss of brain cells is one way to put it.
    What started out as "just" smoking Marijuana here and there. And later on to drinking Alcohol; (insidious and powerful enough). The stepping stones for a disaster waiting to happen. - Fast forward quite a bit of time down the road... I was clean for a long time and life had become livable and enjoyable once again to a good extent. Somewhere along the lines though I endured too much trauma, let myself experience what's well known as "the avalanche effect" without really knowing it at the time, and ended up relapsing on Opiates/Opioids sometime down the road after a complete and total devastating breakdown, (and out came the sleeping beast). Surprisingly enough, the exact same thing happened to me this time around that I explained about (way above) in my very beginning story after the actual relapse(s), metaphorically speaking that is (psychologically this time around though in what seemed like a massive tidal wave or Tsunami) - And without the actual time it took to get there the first time to. Not even an actual binge per say, (I was however "chipping" here and there, which did catch up to me extremely fast). Not only did my brain somehow rewind itself to the state of a baby's or child's afterwards (psychologically as well as physically, to both emotional and physical pain(s)). But the things I once enjoyed, loved and used as everyday coping mechanisms we're quickly taken away from me; Music itself became unenjoyably to say the least, or simply "never enough"
    *, and very haunting in more ways than one (I quickly caught my body picking out negative music that I used to listen to during my active addiction). It quickly got to the point where my brain wasn't actually able to listen to or enjoy music itself. Unless that is, I was puffing on Nicotine at the exact same time(which also very quickly caught up to me, and in the end my yin yang was merely left completely shattered in pieces), or using some sort of other combination of drugs along (which ALWAYS proved to be NEVER ENOUGH in one way or another). The small things in life I was once able to enjoy simply started to become very unenjoyable and uncomfortable to my very being; watching TV; a simple television show, even taking care of myself was somehow now a big enough task in itself, etc. (Almost as if I was metaphorically cast out of the Garden of Eden). An old part of me opened up once again that I had not expected to ever see again (the actual “addict” itself awoke from what is known as "remission"), and CRAZY amounts of FEAR began to surface, towards the well-known hell's associated with the feeling of "cold-turkey" itself, as well as the actual uncontrollability of an Opiate addiction. I even remember going as far as attempting to sell my guitar yet once again on one of the days that had passed (luckily though something had stopped me that day). As time went on I was later rather quickly swamped with memories and what can only be explained now as what seemed like a constant form of PTSD. My life quickly became extremely depressing to say the least (bed ridden had quickly become an everyday thing). In the end of it all when the dust had cleared and I was left with the after-effects of using, my brain actually went as far as having some sort of suicidal ideation (something Nic Sheff goes on to talk about well in one of his books). Not actual suicide itself (thank God), but ideation, which in itself was bad enough (both apathy and suicidal thoughts are common when dealing with Opiate withdrawal). I remember actually feeling unsafe on my own before I finally reached out. Living itself was no longer fun or enjoyable for me and life quickly started to literally move BACKWARDS beyond my control (I was however very stubborn headed at the time. I.e. No one actually wants to admit that their world is literally falling down beyond their control). Somehow once again my life was complete and utter torture and sadly enough, I had no say in the matter (it was a basic lesson in "physics" that was kicking my *** hard). The stigma began to come over me yet again and I began to see myself differently all together. I didn’t know who I was becoming. Out came the actual "SKETCH" itself once I tried returning to sober living and the FEAR itself that I began to experience day in and day out was and still is unexplainable to say the least (just unreal is a good way to put it; even for someone prescribed Benzodiazepines for anxiety). Paranoia was my life. Yet once again the ape was out and on my back, putting me through what I could only explain now as hell on earth, or torture rather than self-love. (Usually until I would be vulnerable enough to actually want to use again/craving wise, simply to escape the torture(s) that I was being put through day in and day out by the addict/giant ape on my back). A disease? Maybe. - I guess that's where the saying comes into play: "Every single time you use, you start off exactly where you left off". There are no second chances or do overs. Chipping is an impossible task alone for the human mind to handle that merely avoids admitting the three following words: "I f#cked up". Aka. Old habits die hard. Even my sleeping patterns were quickly negatively altered. And what was once my normal became too quickly my not so normal. (Instant excruciating P.A.W.S.? ... Just maybe).

    Like the saying goes, no one grows up and actually says to themselves, "I want to be a junkie".
    In closing: A lot of us f#ck up somewhere along the lines and not everyone predicts an actual predicament. But as they say I guess, "$hit happens and life goes on".
    If you think a Marijuana burn-out's bad, try going without your actual Endorphins... How good is a wet sponge going to be at doing its job if it's been completely rung out?
    And this (in short), is simply .m.y. reminder.
    It was hell.
    Last edited: Dec 27, 2014

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