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Open letter to my addiction

Discussion in 'General' started by ladianios, Apr 13, 2014.

  1. ladianios

    ladianios Well-Known Member

    When I first met you, You introduced yourself to me as "OC", about five minutes later I fell in love with you. You helped me be a better father, a better partner, a better professional and just better. We were on tour to take over the world. Those beginning days still burn fresh in my mind, We had fun together, stayed up late, laughed and just lived man! My friends told me to walk away from you but they just didnt know you like I did. Every day I opened my eyes I just wanted to be with you and then something happened.

    The first time I didnt see you I felt really empty inside so I sought you out that day and suddenly that feeling was replaced with warmth but also with an astounding emptiness like what next? I realized then that you werent here to help me become better, you were here to destroy me. I began to wake up every morning needing to see you, needing to give to you everything that was me! My love, you had NOT made me better, you were turning me into a monster. You stole me from my family, my friends, my priorities and did it with unrelenting satisfaction. You had lied to me and in that process turned me into a liar.


    On the day my son was born, I left you. I cried and fought through the pain but within a month you were at my doorstep begging for me back and in a moment of weakness I gave into you. This time around you completly destroyed me and the ones around me! Many nights did the mother of my children beg me to leave you, many nights did my children beg me to leave you, but you had me. I hated every moment with you at this point but felt like nothing without you. Together we destroyed pieces of peoples lives, people who unconditionaly loved me but were brought to their knees by our selfish acts together. I Hated you!


    March 1, 2014 is the day my family and friends sat me down...about 30 people total. I listened to every word the spewed at me, I watched as people sobbed uncontrollably as they begged me to leave you. Every single person in that room said they would die before they gave up in this fight. I listened to one girl, whom I never realized cared about me so much due to the haze you brought upon me, tell me how much of an impact I had on her and her daughters life while I helped her through her divorce as she soaked my shoulder with her tears, I sat there with my 3 children on my lap hugging me while each person took their turn pleading with me. I hated you even more!


    March 7, 2014 is when I left you and you have been banging at my door ever since like a rabbid coyote tring to sink your teeth into me, haunting my every dream and trying to beat me down. Will you stop at nothing? Just leave me alone, stop trying to destroy me, you cant win. At least not on this day, Not on this day because I have the tools to defeat you, I have too many people that love me and I love too many people in return, So not on this day. I know you will be back tomorrow but just be prepared because I will stand tall, with sword in hand and strike you down. You cannot defeat me.
     
    Last edited: Apr 13, 2014
  2. bolt

    bolt Well-Known Member

    woah. you made me cry.well said!
     
  3. ladianios

    ladianios Well-Known Member

    ^^^ thank u. Since March 7th, the tears that have come out of my eyes could provide water for a small village and every drop has been a victory to me.
     
  4. bolt

    bolt Well-Known Member

    what worked for me is that I told all my loved ones( not thirty more like 5) that I was quitting on March 24. It was the beginning of the end of my addiction. It seems when you address the problem honestly. As in " I have had this problem and I am sure you guys have realized it and now I am going to do something about it" commits you to act.
    I don't even know if your interested in what worked for me ...I just want to say that your post hit home .
     
  5. bolt

    bolt Well-Known Member

    great job on watering the village..and your soberity !!! keep posting
     
  6. ladianios

    ladianios Well-Known Member

    And the truth shall set u free....very true!! ..and when I say 30, it's true. It ended up being my entire family and some other people very close to me. The amount of love shown on that day is prob the most humbling thing that I will ever experience. My sobriety has not been easy, hence me making this post at 116 a.m., but I will see it thru!
     
  7. bolt

    bolt Well-Known Member

    Great job! Know it gets better and better the longer you give your body and mind a chance to heal and recover. Normal sleep returns. as does the rest of your bodys functions. Make your self proud! You are earning it.
     
  8. ladianios

    ladianios Well-Known Member

    Yeah bolt, I know. Def not my first rodeo but hopefully my last. The worst for me is lack of energy and sleep. I am still sleeping VERY broken...I wake up about every half hour so no restorative sleep at all and when I do dream it is usually about pills.


    I started amino acid therapy this morning, promising studies for rebuilding and repairing the receptors. I have to function at a semi high level every day but more so during the weekdays as I have my little girl home with me that wants to play games, ride bikes, color, and all the above every second.
     
  9. bolt

    bolt Well-Known Member

    I found valerian root was a big help and I was drinking Nyquil ..Also if you can ,check out some vitamins named CODE and airborne...lots of fluids ect ect.
    Was reading another thread about crushing pills.It is a wonder I have any smell..I have not had a nose bleed in a long time..since I stopped lol..nothing like having a nose full of morphine sulfate and getting a nose bleed.
    Some of the crap we do to ourselves...
    I think you may begin to feel a lot better soon...the dreams of drugs last for some time but then they switch to sex..lmao I hope you get some soon.
     
  10. ladianios

    ladianios Well-Known Member

    Sex drive instantly went thru the roof....I have 3 kids now for Christ sake....I don't need anotha...lol!!!!...don't like doing the Nyquil thing, I will hammer a shot of good tequila now and then. I am doing some powdered vitamins, isotonix to be exact and I have been loading up on amino acids and omega 3's to try to rebuild my receptors....valerian never did it for me and I have taken monster doses..haha! I do have a script for clonidine but it makes me groggy as hell and does not help with sleep so it makes matters worse actually.

    About that snorting pills thread...crazy!!!! It wasy preferred route and I still get phantom drips....it is crazy what we do to get it in us quicker and even tho I knew I was wasting it I didn't care....never got the nose bleeds tho...I think my nose is like leather from my coke days...who knows! I did wreck my lungs tho!! Thanks for posting man, quiet round here lately
     
  11. bolt

    bolt Well-Known Member

    As I sit here thing about how many pills I crushed. What I remember is when I was WDS really bad and I was crawling around my room on the floor actually eating dirt that had a speck of blue pill in it.

    I am so glad I got threw that ..My life is so much better..the side effects of being clean are priceless.
     
  12. ladianios

    ladianios Well-Known Member

    Ahhh yes, many times have I scraped my desk and combed my floor for the chunks that went flying when u hit em with the good ole credit card. At the time I didn't care but when I was out u better believe I was on my knees with a flashlight. The best times were when I would come across one or two that I "put away" and forgot about....good times!!!!

    Took a bit to get to sleep last night but my first sleep cycle lasted 3.5 hours which is A first....all in all I grabbed about 7 hours and actually had some non drug seeking dreams. Also, this may not peak many of ur interests, but I have been doing some reading on the racehorse, Secretariat. What an amazing animal. Check him out, prob the greatest thouroughbred ever! Another thing I do when I can't sleep is build advanced Lego sets, really takes your mind of the caca
     
  13. bolt

    bolt Well-Known Member

    good to hear you getting some shut eye and not dreaming of drugs!
    great to see you know the routine and need to stay busy..
    one thing that worked for me was going to a meeting..this last go round..I met a guy who said he was clean and after some time his clean was 120 mg of methadone...
    the thing that impressed me was he had such bad tracks and had collapsed every vein and was trying to shoot into his neck..he had a tat on his neck vein it looked so disturbing and hopeless to me..
    I went home thinking ..damn and I though I had problems
     
  14. sailormom

    sailormom Well-Known Member

    Cleaned out the son's truck sunday and found pieces of crushed pills. Blue/Purple not sure.
     
  15. ladianios

    ladianios Well-Known Member

    ^^^is this a statement or a question?
     
  16. sailormom

    sailormom Well-Known Member

    LOL.. I guess both. Your statement about looking for pieces made me think of it. But yeah I guess ?
     
  17. ladianios

    ladianios Well-Known Member

    Slept like a rock last night, good energy all day today. See fatigued now tho. Could just be from going all day tho. Hard to tell as it has been years since I ran on natural energy!!!!

    I think I dodged a major bullet coming off this time as the only complaint I had was some shitty sleep and energy for a bit, I felt fine just couldn't sleep. I walked off a three year every day habit with about 8 mg of sub and to say I felt even light wd would be lying. I did have two days of night time sweats the first couple days on sub but I did sleep those nights...just broken up. Kinda scary actually to have walked that easy.
     
  18. bolt

    bolt Well-Known Member

    I hope you have an easy time..guess its time to start planning how to not relapse?

    Great job! Keep up the good work and keep posting...
    Have you gotten to the point where you cry watching commercials on television?
    Or has music all of a sudden got a better sound to it?
     
  19. ladianios

    ladianios Well-Known Member

    Music has been my therapy since day one, and that goddamn commercial about the abused animals with Sara McLaughlin singing in the background....forget it man. I always had a problem with people who abuse their pets, such a cowardly thing and also when I see something on the news about an abused child I can't even watch, my instant reaction is such anger. Anyway, to get back to the music I usually melt away in some Floyd or Rush
     
  20. bolt

    bolt Well-Known Member

    Those are positive signs that your brain is healing. I recently got a copy of Bob Dylans 30 anniversary concert. It was from 1992 and I don't know how I missed it but it is a masterpiece except Neil Young( he toasted). To me an incredible display of music.I think its June Carter who was married to Johnny Cash she sounds just like Janis.. awesome..John Mellencamp stole the show but then there was Stevie wonder and Richie Havens ect ect..Clapton rocked.. must check it.lol
     

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