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Open letter to my addiction

Discussion in 'General' started by ladianios, Apr 13, 2014.

  1. ladianios

    ladianios Well-Known Member

    So some rough days the past few weeks, it's the fatigue, which is getting slowly better but the sheer boredom is what's killing me, I am staying busy for the most part but everything kinda Sux ya know. Sleep is still not consistent ... decent but some nights I just don't sleep...like once or twice a week. Today, I miss my oxy, yep I said it but I won't use....just missing it
     
  2. StuckonSubs

    StuckonSubs Well-Known Member

    Yeah I hear you man. Boredom can be a killer!

    As far as missing the oxy - something that helps me when I am craving oppies and thinking about the "good" times, I force myself to switch my train of thought to all the negatives acclimated with using. Instead of romanticizing it, I think about what it was really like being in active addiction. All the many bad things that went along with it.
    I think sometimes we tend to look back on certain things fondly, but in reality the using life was not good at all.

    I miss the buzz sometimes too. But then I remember how short lived that buzz is (it's nothing like when we first started using, those days are LONG Gone). And I remember just how miserable I really was when I was using (h) every day.
    Im not going to list all the negative aspects that go along with using. You know then already...
     
  3. ladianios

    ladianios Well-Known Member

    ^^^^you mean like stealing from my kids piggy bank....good times!!

    Actually what keeps me from using is if I do it...what next?
     
  4. ladianios

    ladianios Well-Known Member

    Well Mothers Day def helped me outta my funk, such a busy day between my mom and the mother of my kids...it was nice to forget for a day. Like I said sleep for me is still hit or miss but last night , after the long day, I think I was asleep on my way to my bedroom!!!!

    It's also a rush for me when people kinda shuffle me aside to say they are grateful to have the old me back but in a lot of cases extreme guilt hits me shortly after the conversation ends....anyone been thru these kinda things??
     
  5. bolt

    bolt Well-Known Member

    busy is good my man!
    Am sure we all have regrets due to our addiction. I try not to dwell on them and concentrate on tomorrow instead of yesterday.
    The busy thing is a perfect example of how important it is to kiss that funk bye bye.
    Getting on with your life and not thinking so much about addiction related problems is the ticket ..good job!
     
  6. ladianios

    ladianios Well-Known Member

    Still fighting thru!!! Not easy, def not easy!!
     
  7. bolt

    bolt Well-Known Member

    lad good to hear from you! keep up the good work. It does get easier.
     
  8. ladianios

    ladianios Well-Known Member

    ^^ it has gotten a bit easier really. When the bad days hit though, they hit hard!!!! Still kinda in the stage of things sucking, you know stuff I used to enjoy just not offering the same sustenance. Some days I get hit with the no motivation thing and other days it will be the guilt but all in all moving forward.

    One thing that bothered me at first that I recently overcame is a family member not accepting of my sobriety and changes for the better, the words muttered were " once a loser, always a loser"..guess he is entitled to that statement . Just acting like a total dick and making comments on how I could do what I did to my children bothers me, I am fully aware of what my kids seen and went thru and all I can do from this day forward is stay clean and be the best for them, I wish I could go back and take the pain away but I can't and that will haunt me forever and a day but I guess that's not enough for the prick!

    Sorry for the rant....hope everyone is well, big love to the ones on this board who have been there for me at any given time....for now.....baby steps for me!!
     
  9. Fox face

    Fox face Moderator

    I completely understand where your coming from:(. I was told "I'm a worthless piece of ****" my response was well I can't think like that because if I do, it will take me to a dark place and I can't go back there. I didn't take the easy way out and numb those words... I know it was said out of anger, but it hurt just the same.. I'm just glad I told my kids of my recent failure and it wasn't laid out to them in that way.. I didn't think they needed to know, but knew I had to tell them...
    Keep up the fight! Try not to let others bring you down.. They don't have a clue!
     
  10. bolt

    bolt Well-Known Member

    lad it sounds like you are beating yourself up with past behavior that you have no way to change. All you can do is concentrate on the present and make the future better...no amount of regret is going to change what happened before..its wasted effort...

    now that family member with his comment" once a looser always a looser"..imho what he means is " one an junkie always a junkie"
    I believe that statement is true. I /we are junkies and we can never forget it. If we do and let our guard down the we are open for replase.
    It is up to you to address your addiction and prove him wrong. Not easy but worth it.
    Give your mind and body a chance to heal. It will get better if you let it...
     
  11. ladianios

    ladianios Well-Known Member

    Not so much beating myself up but certain triggers bring my thinking back at times and that's where the guilt comes on. I realize full on that I cannot undo what is done, I just wish others could realize this. It's not so much the actual comment that bothers me, it's the refusal of some to take the time to understand what addiction is about.
     
  12. bolt

    bolt Well-Known Member

    I personally have lied cheated stolen and relapsed more time then I can count. I can fully understand people I have hurt to not want to piss on me if I was on fire. those people will never trust me again no matter what. honestly I don't trust myself..just one day at a time.
    It reminds me of that famous quote about things you cannot change and wisdom to know the difference. I actually avoid anyone that knows about my history but with family its not that easy..I have had times when I wanted to tear a judgmental relatives throat out. the worst is being married to one.yikes
     
  13. ladianios

    ladianios Well-Known Member

    ^^^This....I think back on some of the epic lies I told and at the time I thought they were the greatest conspiracies since Watergate and I now realize how transparent they were haha! Then the stealing, holy cow, robbing my kids piggy banks, selling collectables, cashing in my kids bonds..oh yeah, good times!!

    I am truly blessed with a saint of a girl tho. I have dragged her thru the coals boy and on this day she is STILL by my side..truly an angel. She just tells me that even on our darkest days she could still see me despite the shell I was walking around in. We don't touch on that conversation often but she maintaines that even when she walked away from me she never lost hope. Despite all the wrong I have done and also despite my addiction I am proud of myself as a father, I believe I am a good dad and put a lot of effort into that, especially nowadays...Thanx for chiming in guys, means a lot!!
     
  14. kimbilly

    kimbilly New Member

    Hi ladianios just a quick message to say well done i am just starting out coming off heroin on to subutext and im in a bad way, your letter gave me hope i truly hope i find my way through this as you have x
     
  15. ladianios

    ladianios Well-Known Member

    Kim, lmk if I can help u in any way...please!!
     
  16. kimbilly

    kimbilly New Member

    Hi Ladianios, thank you so much that means a lot :) i have been struggling a while with it and i had bad reaction/side affects to the subutext and so my doctor has switched me on to methadone, which tbh was not what i had in mind, but i have worked out a good plan of action with my nurse/key worker, i get stable and start working towards detox/rehab and so hopefully within the next few months i can start reducing and then enter a detox program followed by rehab, i have a 18 month old son and so it is a huge decision for me to go away and leave him for that long i thought i was being selfish, but i now realise im being selfish if i dont go as it is my best chance of finally getting clean and then i can give him the life he deserves. Your post hit a nerve with me i just want to say well done again i hope things are still going well for you :) it just gives me hope that it can be done and there is a light at the end of all this darkness x
     
  17. ladianios

    ladianios Well-Known Member

    You are right in your decision to go away I think....although it will not keep you clean it will arm you with some tools to stay clean...after a bit of clean time passes it really does get easier but us addicts must always tread softly and not ever get too cocky...too bad u had a reaction to the sub...I felt like shizz my first couple days on it then I got stable and tapered right off pretty quick with minimal suffering, I don't know too much about 'done so can't help u much there but I reckon u don't wanna spend too much time on it.

    I think it is great that you wanna sharpen up for your son, I too have youngsters. I tried to get clean for them many times...truth is I only ever got clean when I wanted to be clean for me...u can do this tho, just be ready in your mind because your mind will be your biggest tool, it will also be you biggest adversary! There will be a level of suffering you will have to endure at some point no matter which road to sobriety you choose, just keep you left foot in front of your right foot and repeat and if you fall on your face, get back up and do it again until you get it right....glad to hear from u..how are u feeling as of now...physically and mentally??
     
  18. kimbilly

    kimbilly New Member

    yes i think thats my best choice go away and work through the root of my problems, i was on the subbys about a week and a half and i had such bad migraines i couldnt get up out of bed was truly awful with feeling unwell anyway lol, and i agree i have tried many times for my family and has not worked but i have come to the point where enough is enough i cant stand this life anymore always bad and in debt its just existing!

    physically a bit better not as bad as i was but mentally struggling i just want it over with aand i know theres no quick way to do it :/ but i suppose i need to get my head around it taking a while lol just when your going through it all you feel so alone like your the only one and the depression that usually comes along side it is pretty tough to, how are you doing now? all good :) x
     
  19. ladianios

    ladianios Well-Known Member

    These days I am good, I have my days but like I said, you just have to take control of your thinking...I have my triggers but I deal with them as they come....I have accepted the fact that I will always have cravings and I have my own ways of dealing with them.

    When I reflect back on my actual detox it really was quite easy...maybe cuz I was so o ready...idk? What r u doing to stay busy????
     
  20. kimbilly

    kimbilly New Member

    thats great to hear :) well done keep it up i know it isnt easy you sound like you may have cracked it lol, yea i agree about the cravings i dont think they will ever go im trying to talk my brain around as i think way to much !!

    and basically my son hes 18 months old keeps me busy but i have started reading again, i always loved reading but the last few years my concentration wasnt as good, and ive also been looking in to doing some voluntary work at least until im well enough to go back to work x
     

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