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Our Princess

Discussion in 'Family and Friends' started by PrincessMa, Dec 16, 2009.

  1. krish

    krish Well-Known Member

    B! So glad to read this!.. except for the part where you are still recovering! I hope you are feeling better soon! Ya know, maybe your health scare was enough for her?? I hope things are still going well and you will have a great holiday. Hugs!
  2. PrincessMa

    PrincessMa Well-Known Member

    Clean for a while, relapse, clean for a few days, then relapse. I haven't posted here for so long as it seems we just go through the same song and dance, over and over again. We had to kick her back out in January. She has been trying to find a residential place to live to satisfy the courts on her 4th chance on a PC1000 (a California felony diversion program). As of yesterday, she is now back in jail - another drug possession charge. She said her 'friends mom called the police on her. Not even sure why, she was asleep in their house and they woke her up, searched her and took her in. She called from jail last night and STILL does not sound like is ready to take responsibility. So much for the diversion program.

    I really wish she wanted a life as much as I want a life for her. It has been 8 YEARS, almost 1/3 of her life. She started this journey with heavy drugs during her very first semester in college. We sent her out of state for school hoping to get her away from the crowd she was gravitating to. Every so often I have this 'what if' moment and I try to imagine where she would be if she had finished and if drugs hadn't taken her over.

    So very tired. Thanks for listening to me whine a bit. I can't whine like this to my friends - they don't need to hear it anymore.
  3. spring

    spring Administrator

    I'm sorry you are going thru this, and unfortunately until she's ready to give up the drug it's going to continue as is. The best you can do is what my family did..detach detach detach ...for your own sanity. I know, easier said than done and when my family gave up on me it hurt at first, but after getting my sh*t together I completely understood that it was the most loving thing they could have done for me.

    Sorry to say I havent read your whole thread so for all I know you have already done this. If it makes you feel any better, I took me 3 times that long ..around 25 years to finaly let go of that life..a little over half my life..so as much as it seems hopeless right now...it does happen and can happen for her....even after 8 years of relapses.
  4. PrincessMa

    PrincessMa Well-Known Member

    Thanks so much Spring... In my head, I have really detached but i guess my heart never will. I am Mom, that's just not how I roll...

    She became addicted long before she learned "how" to live. Because we lived a good life, we allowed her to become accustomed to living a good life. She didn't see or recognize the struggles we went through to get where we are today. Looking back, I would have required her to work for everything she got almost from the moment she could walk...

    I get that these results (jail) are a direct result of HER choices, I realize that big time. At the same time that I type this though I still feel so torn. She did not "choose" this. She was extremely hyperactive as a kid and making friends was challenging. She wanted to fit in, have friends, make a life, just like all her friends did. She didn't 'choose' to be the kid that became addicted. But she was that kid. She inherited a bad set of genes, one with a MAJOR predisposition to addiction.

    We allowed her to fail and suffer the consequences of her actions in every way that we could, thinking that would be enough. We have used medications, counseling, rehabs, detoxes, everything in our power to help her over the years. We have always said she is like a cat with 9 lives. I think she must actually received more that that already.

  5. PrincessMa

    PrincessMa Well-Known Member

    Duplicate post...
  6. krish

    krish Well-Known Member

    I understand fully what you are saying! I so wish things could be different! You have obviously done all you can, and more than most can, so hopefully that will give you comfort in knowing you did all you could. And it's a real test of the fact, it's out of our hands.. the law has taken over. I hope this doesn't give you a health set back, you need to recovery and take care of yourself and enjoy this phase of your life with your husband and friends. HUGS! K
  7. Bonita

    Bonita Well-Known Member

    As long as there breathing, there's a chance for her to wake up, see what's real/what's not. So hard when young. Hard to see pass our nose. Everything's now. I hate I lost 35 yrs. Not my mom or dads fault either...they tried to tell me, I watched their pain in addiction. I still lived an addicts life. My HP apparently had bigger plans for me then I did, I'm here.

    Detachment as a mom...hard for me to fathom myself and I don't have kids. My heart goes out to you.
  8. PrincessMa

    PrincessMa Well-Known Member


    Breathing a little easier for now. Our girl got herself checked into the Salvation Army for a 6 month minimum recovery stay. First knocking on wood, and now praying that she does well in their program.

  9. krish

    krish Well-Known Member

    Em lived there for awhile and it wasn't as bad I thought it would be, if that's any comfort. If she follows their program , they can be very helpful in her future. Thinking of you.. How are you feeling?
  10. PrincessMa

    PrincessMa Well-Known Member

    I am fine thanks. Tired from not sleeping while I worry about her, but that should subside for a while! I think that the program - with much focus on work and God - will be good for her. Those are two things in her life that have been lacking.

    Things in your world seem ok, yes?
  11. krish

    krish Well-Known Member

    my world: is there ever a dull moment?
  12. loralee

    loralee Well-Known Member

    Good news PrincessMa! I hope she stays for the whole 6 months and you get some much needed respite. I have been feeling all of the things in your last few posts. It is hard not to feel hopeless! But we just keep on as Mothers supporting our children when they are actively seeking recovery. It really resonated about how your daughter never learned how to live because she had such a good life and didn't see the struggles. I feel that too about my son. His addiction started so young (to alcohol and marijuana) that he has never had a job other than working for his Dad. Now he has 3 felony convictions for heroin possession (he has never chosen to do a diversion program) and getting a job will be really hard. I just wonder, why do they want to escape from the real world so bad? Why do they just medicate and drop out of life? We think of all of our young struggles and how hard we fought to have a good life and give it to our children and it is hard to understand a child that just wants to live in his mother's womb (what I imagine heroin feels like). I just think what if I had been chasing a bag while I was raising my son? Then he would have something to be mad at me about. That is what he is doing--and apparently he works very hard at it, so he says. He does work. Sorry to rant, I am just in one of those down times this week, even though my son is safe in jail for 60 more days and is mandated to go to treatment after, I am still so angry.

    I am venting but want to release this anger to God and have faith and hope. It is hard to have sometimes, but I see no better way to live. Today is all we have and today our children are safe and alive and have a chance and have hope. God Bless you. Please take care of you and I will do the same.

  13. PrincessMa

    PrincessMa Well-Known Member

    That is a question I think about most of all. What could be so bad about feeling normal? Is their "normal" really different than my normal? Mine is a cycle, ups and downs. Of course, I prefer the ups, but the downs do give it all perspective.

    Although that sounds scary, people have succeeded with even worse than that. I feel blessed that she has at least gone through the motions of trying the diversion, even though she hasn't completed it. This is her 4th attempt, she actually went to the judge before the warrant was issued this time and asked she could have another chance if she found a residential program. I can't imagine that a judge will give her another one if she gets booted from this one. I am hopeful that this program, having a strong work component, will give her something that she has been missing. At the same time as I say that, it almost scary to be hopeful.
    This is an odd thing. Someone who hasn't lived this could not understand it.

    And you mentioned that he is serving 60 more days. You have 60 days as well. I imagine it would be hard to sleep when you son is in that situation. Our daughter has been at the Salvation Army for 6 whole days this time. Not that I am counting. Been clean for 16 days if I am to believe what she has told me. So today I am trying to be hopeful. I hope you angry ends soon. It ages us.
  14. PrincessMa

    PrincessMa Well-Known Member

    Happy Easter to all of you!
  15. krish

    krish Well-Known Member

    Happy Easter B!
    We went to see Em and her friends... went Thurs to Monday
    And... she and her b/f came back with us
    As I said, never a dull moment around here!
  16. Bonita

    Bonita Well-Known Member

    ???? So ...as the world turns. But glad I'm not reading of a relapse. Hope to catch up soon?

    Happy belated Easter to both of you.
  17. PrincessMa

    PrincessMa Well-Known Member

    Well, She lasted about 3 weeks in the Salvation Army program. She got 3 'pink slips' for non drug related infractions and was asked to leave for 30 days. She was very bummed but seemed determined to stay clean until she could return. We thought. We gave her a place to stay - sequestered away from the world really until the weekend before she was allowed to return. Attended a bbq with us and she stole a friend of our wallet. Later that night, stole $$ from my husbands wallet and snuck out in his car while we slept. She was home when we woke up but we could tell she didn't sleep - was amped on something. She said she took 6 nyquils. Whatever. We dropped her off the next day, May 6th, even though it was apparent she was higher than a kite, telling her she was not welcome to come back to our home - again... She slept on the street a few nights before attempting to have them take her back and they told her that the 30 days was a mistake - it was really 6 months that she needed to wait. Who knows if she really even went. Maybe she went high so that is why they declined here Maybe they are more uncomfortable with her being openly gay. No idea, no matter. They did say six months initially but that changed. She did overdo her using that night - was found unconscious on bathroom floor of grocery store - I only found out due to the ambulance and hospital bill being sent to my house a few days ago. It appears to have been the day they turned her away. I pulled her off the streets for Mothers Day weekend and we stayed in a hotel and kind of took care of each other - both fighting a nasty cold that weekend. I didn't realize it was days after the "almost o.d." It makes more sense now why she was so sick and puffed up etc.

    Fast forward - sleeping in tents under the highway and a variety of other places - hanging with people named Elf, Crazy, and Wolf until Friday last week. She had made appt for an assessment at another detox/recovery program in town. Legally - she has a vested interest in completing a program. Plead guilty to 2 felony possession charges that will be dropped if she completes a program. She went to the assessment on Friday with just the clothes on her back - sicker than a dog - but she did get herself there - they took her in. So we are back to praying that she is ready this time. It is an all women program - most with kids I think. She called on Saturday sounding horrible but asking for some of her clothes (which are all ratty now and scattered here and there), some tea and some cigarettes. I know I don't "need' to bring hem to her but for some reason, I still do. I won't be taking them to where she is - only to their corporate offices.

    For some reason - I just feel better getting it down on paper - if one can call this paper. She is 27 years old. This has been going on so long. I feel I have finally learned the boundaries that I need to keep so that I can live with myself and not do harm to either of us. We don't include her on family trips. But a piece of me still nags, questioning - what if this is just who she is going to be. Forever. No matter what. What if this is it. Do I maintain that boundary so tightly or strong that I never get to have that week someday in Hawaii just her and I that I have always wanted. That mother/daughter visit to my home town so I can show her where I grew up, etc. A piece of me feels that it might make sense to face the concept that she may just be destined to a short racy drug filled life, one lived hard and fast. If that is in fact what is in her future, I feel like maybe it wouldn't be so bad to just pull her out of it long enough to do the things with her I have always wanted to do - regardless of the message it sends. In a very twisted way, I almost feel like a failure for not having the faith all the time that she will get better. She isn't going to get through this just because I want her to get better, maybe SHE doesn't want it bad enough.

    I can't really even talk to my husband about her much - he has a way of just compartmentalizing the issue. He is much more comfortable with just pretending she doesn't exist right now. Makes me very sad - but it is the only way he knows how to cope with the sadness and the anger he feels toward what she has put us all through. He doesn't talk about it - just ignores it. I can't do that. I miss her too much.
  18. sam bailey

    sam bailey Well-Known Member

    Hello PrincessMa,

    I am just so sad for you---and for your daughter. So sorry for this terrible struggle, both hers and yours. It is such a lonely, dark world, the world of an addict in Active Addiction. Not just for the addict, of course. The darkness swallows us all, addict and family.

    My son continues his own pain-filled struggle with alcohol. I have felt heartache before, though never an ache so deep and profound and raw as this one. Its depth is beyond understanding, except by those who've been lost in it too.

    I'm sorry. I just feel so sad. For both of us. For all of us.

    Yet, I continue to have HOPE. I am not Hopeless. I hope you are not either. Hopeless, I mean. God willing, our children will come back to us.

    PrincessMa? You must not, not ever, give up your hope. You must keep it; you must nurture it. Keep it alive. So long as our child lives, hope lives too.

    So I believe.

    God Bless You---and Your Family,

  19. PrincessMa

    PrincessMa Well-Known Member

    Thanks you Sam. You know, I wouldn't really call what I feel "hopeless". It feels more like maybe I am awakening to the idea that possibly this is who she is? That sounds horrible and sad, I know. But if it is true, then it may sort of feel like it releases me from 'waiting' until things are better to make what I can out of our relationship. I can still hope things will be different, but maybe not put everything on hold while I wait for it. I don't know. Just rambling in my thoughts while she detoxes again.

    The Salvation Army, although she was only there for 3 weeks, gave her something that I have not seen for her in a long time. She took away a 'touch' of spirituality, and I saw it spark back up inside her. The idea that there may be a God that would allow her in, one that she would allow back in. She hasn't had that in years. Maybe that will come back this time again.
  20. Bonita

    Bonita Well-Known Member

    PM, I know I say this a lot babe but this is a process. I feel any touch of reality, spirituality is a step forward. Even when they step back by 5steps, there always hope.

    You have to take care of you and hubby first. That actually shows daughter how to care for herself.
    As always praying for ya

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