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Our Princess

Discussion in 'Family and Friends' started by PrincessMa, Dec 16, 2009.

  1. krish

    krish Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry B. You know we all have been thru this and I would like you to know you can contact me anytime! I would like some support to you. I can't make it all go away.. but I can listen. I know you can sleep at night because you have done all you can do and tons more than most people can do.. I hope your health is ok and I hope you and your husband can share some quality time without thoughts of her invading. How is your son? BIG HUGS! K
  2. loralee

    loralee Well-Known Member


    I am so sorry for the pain you are in. I totally understand your post and feel so many of the same feelings. However, lately, I have been like your Husband, when my son comes into my mind I just push the thought out and don't think about him. After he ran away from his last treatment center after two weeks, I just thought. He has to live his life the way he wants to. Since there is nothing I can do, I release him to God. I also think about the fun things I wish I could share with him, and I have had two friends brothers die from drugs recently--one died sober--but had years of hard drug use (meth) and died at age 49 of a heart attack (at least she got 5 years clean with him finally) the other died at 30 from a heroin overdose. But, I can't imagine sharing anything with my son while he is in active addiction, even on suboxone--it just is such a shadow of him. I am just trying to accept that it is what it is and I can't have what I want. Maybe someday--maybe never.

    My son ran away from treatment 2 months ago, and somehow finally got a phone (his Dad pays for it) and has found someone to let him crash at his pad I guess. I had not talked to him at all, but he texted me and I asked him about what happened when he left treatment. He blamed it on people treating him bad in part and said, "I was actually trying to get into it and I was working on my first presentation and really thinking and putting honest stuff down. I'm an idiot for leaving I know if I had stuck with it I would be so much better off today and they would have stopped hating and started listening." "I know I gotta get myself into a program and put in 100% so I can stay clean and sober I keep feeling like I'm ready and then something drags me down and fuels my addiction without me knowing and before I know it I'm out of control and doing exactly what I shouldn't be doing and what I was trying to stay away from. . ."

    Anyway, they are the words of the addict and it is his journey and I know that he does think about this just like we do and wants a better life just like we do. And only he can do it. I gotta live my life--I can't put my life on hold, so I'm not.

    Don't put your life on hold either PrincessMa

  3. krish

    krish Well-Known Member

    (( Hugs to you Loralee)).. it's so hard and so painful.. I hope your son finds his way back to some kind of treatment center. Sounds like his "almost" there
  4. krish

    krish Well-Known Member

    Hey B,
    How are things going? Think of you often
  5. PrincessMa

    PrincessMa Well-Known Member

    Same 'ole stuff I am sad to say. She is out there somewhere. I keep track of her through cell phone records and I therefore see that she is not doing much calling trying to get back in a rehab or recovery place. She has another abscess so it appears she is still using.

    She got into a 6 month program at the beginning of June. They called me about 3 weeks later and I spent a day with her in the ER with severe stomach pain. She was released from the program two days later for testing dirty after returning from a doctors appointment. She was seeing the doctor trying to diagnose a likely stomach ulcer. We were out of town so she broke into our home (which she considers her home of course) and stole some stuff, then showed up in Tijuana for a few days - I am sure she stole the stuff she took from us to buy drugs down there. I only know this because of the global text messaging on her phone, and she can get her 'stuff' in Mexico easily. I also saw she called the telephone numbers associated with the gift cards she stole from me. Makes me very sad and at the same time very angry. We have re-upped our security system at our house so now I receive alerts to my cell phone and have camera's connected. I can log on to see them any time I have internet.

    I really hope she figures it out someday. I just can't be around her right now. I am still too angry about her thievery etc.

    In the meantime, I am taking care of me. Am on a diet, eating healthy and exercising and going on a cruise to Alaska with my son later this week.
  6. krish

    krish Well-Known Member

    Darn B!
    I am sooo sorry! I know we did stuff like you are doing, got glass block windows for the basement, alarm system, locked cabinets.. and I always say.. I hate to be a prisoner in my own home...! You have every right to be angry..you guys worked hard for you stuff to just have it stolen to be used for drugs. I think you need this break from her and it sounds like the trip is perfect timing! Go relax and enjoy your son. I am glad you are taking of yourself! Wish I could change this for you...
    Hugs, K
  7. PrincessMa

    PrincessMa Well-Known Member

    Holiday woes...

    I just need a moment to vent.

    First off. We have been VERY good about setting boundaries etc. But - we have been helping our daughter (by allowing her to live with us) to avoid a felony heroin conviction by allowing her to live with us while she completes a court ordered outpatient addiction program. I don't really expect the program to be what she needs to get through this. In my fantasy land, she will see the need for a long term residential "something" after completing this mandated one. Being that it is a dual diagnosis program, maybe they will help her address her issues a bit so she see's that. Right.

    This, after a 2 month long string of almost weekly relapses... Basically, every time she is not in our direct sight it seems. Yesterday, after no showing her 2nd day of work in the morning (work that her father reluctantly found for her) and then no-showing her 1st day of groups in the afternoon (at her outpatient program) she showed up back at our home last night higher than a kite. I left immediately (had an appointment) and returned to find her fast asleep in her bed mouth gaping wide open. Obviously still quite high. This morning I realize, that in order to complete the picture, she has dropped to a new low. I am on an inject-able medication that comes in the form of weekly pre-filled syringes. Because the medication is so stinking expensive (around $600 each), I have on an assistance program to obtain them. They need to be kept cool so they are in our fridge. I realize this morning that one is missing. She actually emptied one of them out to use to inject her heroin. Down the drain.

    I just don't know what pisses me off more, the addiction or the wastefulness. I am trying to look at a positive note to this. I think it will make it much easier to allow her back on the streets to complete this addiction cycle all on her own. If we all have a last straw somewhere, I think I may have found mine.

    I don't even know how I will get through the next few days. To add to it - we have a family ski trip planned - supposed to leave on the 27th - just she and I driving 10 hours to get there. Husband flying up next day and all skiing together for the first time in YEARS. Meeting her brother who lives in another city. If we kick her out and still go, then she knows our home is empty. If we kick her out and don't go - I will die - I need to be gone and I just can't bear to lose the $$ on the prepaid place. If she sobers up and we take her and then boot her out when we return, how much fun will that be. And what message does that send.

    Wow. Thx for the opportunity to get this out of my head. I am tired.

    Next Christmas will be way different. Mark my words!!!
  8. krish

    krish Well-Known Member

    Hey PrincessMa,

    I read this.. and to be honest, I didn't know what to say.. I am so sorry. I am glad you could vent thou.

    Was part of her avoiding the felony heroin conviction based on her living with you? Did the courts agree to that?

    I am not surprised she did that with your syringe meds.. when in active addiction.. anything is possible, even that and I am sure those needles are a trigger for her.

    Your first sentence said you guys are very good at setting boundaries, but then say you have found your last straw.. when we are in "limbo" like that, we write it out... it looks real clear on paper. What are your boundaries? What are your boundaries for her living in your home? What are her consequences if she does not follow your house rules? What are you willing to loose? How is loosing that (thing: ex: your meds) helping her?

    I don't know what you decided for your vacation. There again, I don't know what your boundaries are. If you kick her out, she should know if she goes in your home, the police will be called.. or do you not care if she "breaks" in.. is that ok with you?

    I feel several ways.. because I have had years of this.. I have cancelled vacations.. due to some crisis with Em, I didn't die.. I wasn't happy, but I lived and lived with my decision. I have gone away and followed thru and called a neighbor and then the police. So I think it depends on far you want to go with her.. how far she can stretch what she needs to keep going.

    I was upset that Emily left right before the holidays.. I thought it was extremely selfish.. it would have been our first one in 6 years together. And a friend ( of hers) said to me, you know, the idea in your head about the holidays probably wouldn't happen anyway.. it would become some drama filled thing with her... And ya know what.. she was/is right. I have had the crisis's and the drama and I have had the peace and quiet, I chose the peace and quiet.. but.. I choose it, knowing, I did absolutely everything I could and knowing.. she is an adult. Sometimes the hardest, but best thing we can say to our kids is.. NO.

    I know you have done so much for your daughter.. and a whole bunch more than most parents.. why is that not enough? Why do you feel the need to do more? I am not asking to be "mean" or anything.. just trying to see what you are getting out of this? What is she getting out of this?

    At this point, I wish for you.. health and peace.. you really do deserve it.. you haven't really had a break from all of this. Please understand I ask or share my thoughts with only the best intentions.. HUGS K
  9. bolt

    bolt Well-Known Member

    hello and sorry for jumping into your conversation. As a parent I understand how you want to do whatever you can for your child. As an addict I want to tell you that sometimes it is best to let the courts lock her up. For me it was the only way to get clean. Sorry to say most of us are like that. We will do whatever it takes and the only way to stop us is to lock us up. period
    I am sure that is not what you want to hear but it seems like you don't have many options. If you can get her a light six months in minimum security it just may do trick..
    My heart breaks for you .
    Think of all the positive things that will happen in that time.
    Most addicts will continue until they OD or get busted. Better sooner then later.
    Just my 2 cents.
    Last edited: Dec 30, 2013
  10. PrincessMa

    PrincessMa Well-Known Member

    I ran away on the 27th and just returned home today so am just now reading... Still unsure of what is next. For the moment am just keeping my medication at a neighbors house so I have my sanity. She understands that if we find ANYTHING in our home again we are calling the police and turning her in. Lots more to write, just not ready to see it in black and white just yet.

    And I think you are spot on Bolt, I am sure that jail is her best shot at this point. Just makes me sad.
  11. Diguirses84

    Diguirses84 Member

    A really sad story momma, wish you all the best in life and keep us updated okay? Smile always momma :)
  12. spring

    spring Administrator

    I just caught up with the last year and a half of your thread. I'm so sorry that things are not improving. It sounds like you've been working hard to keep that conviction from becoming a permanent part of her record...and she's merely going thru the motions when needed, playing the game with no real desire to live clean. Am I close?

    I know you want to protect your daughter until she sees the light someday and turns her life around...and maybe I didn't read far enough back in your thread...but, has she ever been allowed to hit bottom without you intervening on her behalf? I am not meaning to sound mean and I'm certainly not blaming you for her not getting clean, but how much responsibility has she taken for herself? You are going to drive yourself insane trying to help someone who doesn't want to help herself Ma.
  13. krish

    krish Well-Known Member

    Please update us.. I do worry about you.. I hope your health is holding up.
  14. PrincessMa

    PrincessMa Well-Known Member

    Thx for your concern. Health is fine. I just get so sore when I get stressed and am getting used to just always being stressed so always sore! Blagh.

    We had been trying to live with her while she completed an dual diagnosis outpatient that would satisfy the courts but she just isn't ready to be done with "it" yet. We told her last week she needed to test clean or leave and so she left. After a week of just being 'missing' she came up with an apartment in Tijuana and says she is planning on attending her program from there via the trolley. If she misses one more appointment they will drop her so I guess it is just a matter of time until that happens. What she really needs is two things - treatment for her mental 'stuff' and for things to get so bad that she'll do ANYTHING to quit. So, I have backed off once again and my husband and I are enjoying having our house to ourselves again. Now that she is gone and we can really look through everything uninterrupted, we are realizing some family things are missing and that makes us sad.

    I really wish there was a free or affordable residential dual diagnosis place that could get into her head. She has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and maybe even sociopathic personality disorder. Our family doctor most recently has treated her with medication for depression and has had her on antidepressants and a nonaddictive anti-anxiety drug. When taken on a regular basis they seem to help her a bit - she needs more that just a pill though, needs a lot of therapy etc. When she is out on her own she never seems to take anything prescribed for her legally. I don't think she can really be treated for the disorders until she is clean and I think the chance of her getting clean while she is so screwed up is minimal. She has an appointment at probation on the 25th so that is incentive for her to get it together just enough to satisfy the officer.

    I hesitate to write on here since we seem to have been at the same place for so long.
  15. bolt

    bolt Well-Known Member

    I suggest you don't hesitate to write..You are going threw hell and I am sure you feel better posting. I believe this website has the purpose of wanting you to post.
    As hard a decision as I am sure it was, I think you did the right thing by getting her to leave. To make it easy for her to continue her addiction was not the best thing .
    My thought is that it is just a stage and someday she will see that the addiction is non productive. Until that time you just have to hold on...Not easy I am sure..
    I will thank god tonight that my children did not follow in my footsteps. I will also say a prayer for you and your family. keep posting..
    My wish is that I had a helpful suggestion for you but...
  16. krish

    krish Well-Known Member

    ((Hugs)) Babs, I feel for you.. wish there something I could do for you! I think you hit the nail on the head when you said it has to get so bad that she is willing to do ANYTHING. Honestly, I feel like that is the bottom line. At this point, if she doesn't show up for the program or test dirty, it's out of your hands.. and that is ok.

    As far as the dual dx.. I understand completely. Borderline, if she has it, is a tough one. It requires lots of therapy.. years to "retrain" the brain or a long time of stability for them to recognize their behaviors. There are lots of books out there on it, have you read any? I think a good one is The Angry Heart. I think it's a very hard mental disorder, there are no "drugs" that help like bi polar or something. And I think using drugs enhances the borderline.. the self medication makes it worst. But how to tell an unstable person that? It's a catch 22 and vicious cycle.

    But, you have offered her so much help, I hope you can sleep at night knowing that and knowing that letting her in your home or setting up another program for her isn't going to work.. she has to get to that point of she will do ANYTHING herself. It's not easy waiting for that time..and things might get worst before they get better, but that's how this insane thing works.

    The other thing, when she is ready, maybe EMDR or clearyourmind might work? Have you tried any of those?

    Keep writing.. everyone here knows the cycles of addiction, and we are here to support and give you hope for your daughter.
  17. StuckonSubs

    StuckonSubs Well-Known Member

    Just wanted to say that I have done EMDR for panic disorder & PTSD and it worked very well. It's 100% natural and drug free too. I would highly recommend it for Anyone who has trouble dealing with anxiety, panic attacks, post traumatic stress (not sure what else EMDR is used to treat...) etc. it is definitely worth doing.
  18. PrincessMa

    PrincessMa Well-Known Member

    I will get that book - I have read a different one that her counselor - do not remember the name and it left me feeling even more hopeless. Just sad for her I guess.

    And thank you, I do know we have done all we can. I am sure our family and friends think we have done to much, but they haven't lived it so I can never be angry at the inconsiderate comments. Trying to understand what we do as parents of an addict is like trying to explain childbirth to someone who hasn't experienced it. The CAN'T completely understand.

    I was showing her photo around down at the Mexico border on Tuesday this week trying to find her. I ran into a man that the street people call 'Pops'. She had introduced me to him a week before. He said he knew her and that he had seen her just the day before and told me where I could usually find her. I let him know I was trying to get a message to her that she needed to keep her next program appointment with her outpatient counselor or they would discharge her. He said he keeps an eye on her and that I should realize that no program is going to help her until she has hit bottom. He has been clean 9 yeras but had been through hell before he got that way. Hell, from where she started she seems to have bottomed out a few times. I said I knew she wasn't really ready to give it up yet in my heart. I also told him that as a mom, I wasn't ready to totally give up on my trying to help when I can either. I guess we are at a standstill and that is where we will be for a while.

    I did see her yesterday - she did show up for her appointment on her own. I also delivered a phone to her that she received (thanks to Obama) in conjunction to her food stamp program. It gives her 250 minutes and 250 texts a month. So, we have a way to contact her for the time being and that helps me sleep easier. Just knowing she can call SOMEONE if she is in trouble helps my brain.
  19. Bonita

    Bonita Well-Known Member

    Re: Holiday woes...

    Good evening PM

    Sweetie...NEVER give up. There is always the chance for freedom. Until her last breath you hope she will find her way. Hell, I used 35 yrs. Many of those yrs I called myself trying to get/stay clean.
    I'm sure my loved ones got crap for what they helped me with. Today, I love them for loving me till I could love me. I will forever be greatful. Just don't buy her dope. It will only bite you back. No one walks your shoes, no one can walk your daughters shoes either.
    I do hope you don't allow her to run your life, take away all your joy but you do what you feel lead to do. Who would of thought I'd be free today...not many. You come here and dump all you need to.
    Prayers chic,
  20. PrincessMa

    PrincessMa Well-Known Member

    Re: Holiday woes...

    Bonita - you are so kind. I won't ever truly give up hope. Am doing well at taking my life back again.

    It sounds as though she is keeping her appointments at an outpatient program and also seeing her probation officer on time. She is has gone on methadone, getting it at a clinic in TJ. I don't like the idea but I know it is all up to her. Her problem hasn't really been getting clean, it is staying clean that she has trouble with. She just doesn't feel 'normal' in he own skin. Always searching.


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