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Recovery is a bunch of work.

Discussion in 'Narcotics Anonymous' started by Firsttimedetox, Oct 14, 2010.

  1. Firsttimedetox

    Firsttimedetox Well-Known Member

    Hello folks.

    I quit opiates 8 months ago.. Its an amazing experience. I am posting this in the hopes that someone else may read it an relate..

    I have managed to stay clean 24 hours at a time. The method that worked today, and every day prior is Narcotics Anonymous.

    What I figured out in the first 4 months was that if I had never picked up any narcotic drug, I would still be a mess. A real disaster.. Even clean, my life is completely unbalanced.. but its getting better.

    I believe that for me, drug abuse is a symptom of a problem.. not the problem. I used drugs to help with a problem that is between my ears.. I say I used drugs, but as most of us know, after a short amount of time, drugs started using me..

    I am not comfortable in my own skin. I am a workaholic, who placed money and drugs above anything else in my life, for all of my life. I have a massive ego, and a huge inferiority complex.. Sounds impossible, but many of the folks on this program will laugh when they read that .. and understand..

    My program in NA is teaching me to control the obsessive thinking in my head. I am capable of dwelling on a problem for days (and nights), so much so that I can barely have a conversation... It will keep me from sleeping, eating or remember anything else. I used drugs to deal with these obsessive episodes, now I use speech.. I have a sponsor and a support group.. They listen to me when I am insane, and understand, because most of them are nuts too... lol.

    NA has helped me to be able to express myself, rather than lash out.. I have learned to appologize, rather than constantly try to stuff my guilt so I dont feel it.. I am learning to forgive people, even when they dont care that they have offended me.. My sponsor says resentment is drinking poison, all the while hoping the other fella gets sick..

    I could drone on and on.. I am a mess..

    Most importantly, and most difficult for me, I am learning patience.. I was expecting to be cured by now.. after all, its been 8 months..

    I must report that its my personality defects that make me so stressed and exhausted, they make me want to use drugs, just for a break. Except I already tried that route and it was a disaster.. I am not cured of any of these problems, but am making progress..

    There are a lot of people who are kicking dope on this site.. 8 months ago, I was one of them, terrified.. This place helped a bunch.. I am hoping that if a new person here reads another person admitting all these weird flaws, perhaps it will help them face there own demons..

    50% of the difficulty for me in dealing with these demons is admitting I have them and asking for help. I can tell you that you if you are willing to take the leap, you will survive .. and eventually get some hope.
  2. Sluggo

    Sluggo Well-Known Member

    quite the contrary...you are not a mess. you are fantastic and you are blessed.

    thanks for sharing your journey in recovery. may it continue for a lifetime...

    much respect
  3. Parachute

    Parachute Well-Known Member

    Great post. Those are the absolute facts for me as well. I am in recovery, asking for help, and ACCEPTING that help. My life nowadays is totally manageable and balanced. Took a truckload of work to get here but it was worth it.
    Addiction is SO MUCH MORE than just using drugs. You really summed it up well with your post. All I used to care about was money and drugs myself. I didn't even know there was anything else. Life is so much more than that.....No drug + Recovery we get to find out all about it.
    Hang in, do the deal for recovery....best damn thing I ever did, still do..love being a part of!!
  4. Parachute

    Parachute Well-Known Member

    Waddup FirstTime.. , love that post above.

    "I must report that its my personality defects that make me so stressed and exhausted, they make me want to use drugs, just for a break"

    Hope your still moving hard in a positive direction. This statement above is so true. When I wrote my Fourth step, I could see my whole personality on those pages. I saw the attributes that made me insanely discontent. Right there! Right before me. Man, I thought, if I let myself get over run by that crap, I will definitely use. I could see misdirected pain, misdirected motive, misdirection EVERYWHERE!!! Through the process I was able to discard so much that cluttered my mind and soul. Things that I would think until I burned a hole in the ground.....Humility is allowing yourself to see you, and learning to be you at peace. To honestly understand where you were, and why. To make a sincere attempt to move toward what you can be.

    Truly the newest, shiniest freedom.

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