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Spirituality = Reality

Discussion in 'Freedom from Hell ~ Staying Clean~' started by gettingbetter, Dec 5, 2008.

  1. serenity80

    serenity80 Well-Known Member

    Oh Dani!!! Wow!!! What a story, I know it was "forreal" for you but wow I felt like I was reading a book. It gave me chills reading your last post. Congrats on your freedom!!! Hope all is well with you and Good Luck on your next journey. You have been a great inspiration to me and I always love reading your posts and threads.
     
  2. gettingbetter

    gettingbetter Well-Known Member

    "I want something else
    To get me through this
    Semi-charmed kind of life"
    -"Semi-Charmed Life", Third Eye Blind

    Mind, Body, Spirit

    On Wednesday I did my first double at Bikram yoga. For those of you who don't know what Bikram yoga is, first of all, it is a very consistent form of hot yoga. Always 90 minutes long, always the same 26 poses (which feel totally different every single day), always heated to 105-110 degrees, always at least 40 percent humidity. The teachers are intense. The practice is intense. Unlike hot Vinyasa flow yoga, which is all about movement and freedom, Bikram is all about discipline and control. In the yoga world, people will fight to the death to argue for one form or the other. I have done both for consistent time periods, truly developing a practice with each, and I will tell you that each has their benefits and that it's ridiculous to argue that one form of yoga is more "right" than the other form of yoga. When people start bleating about those things I always wonder if they realize that yoga has been around for literally thousands of years and there's more to it than we can ever learn and that's sort of the point so stop trying to find a handy answer already because both have their merits and just be cool, man.

    At any rate, I'm obsessed with Bikram yoga right now. I'm not saying that flippantly, either, like "oh ma gawd I am so obsessed with Bikram yoga!" (giggle). I'm saying it with full-on earnest passion. This is a commitment to me. It has given my life structure, form, and meaning over the past three months of consistent practice. It is torturous and difficult and rewarding and frustrating and it allows me a place to suffer and sweat in a way that is more liberating than any other activity I can imagine.

    For the first month all I could do was collapse when I got home. Then, in month two, I started building consistency in the practice. I started going at least four times a week, then five. Now I'm up to six and seven and wondering if I could do more. Throughout July, my schedule was as follows: 1. get up at 6 a.m., do some homework, pound coffee 2. leave house at 7:30, drive one hour 15 minutes to grad school 3. grad school from 9 am-4pm 4. drive to bookstore, do homework for at least an hour and a half 5. go to Bikram, suffer and sweat and push for 90 minutes 6. get home by 8 or 9, do homework for at least two or three hours. Then bed.

    Every moment was full and I liked it that way. I made friends, I busted my butt physically and mentally and socially and intellectually, I worked hard.

    This past week I have had a very easy flexible open schedule and I find myself wanting to be in Bikram yoga every spare minute of every single day.

    It is teaching me how to have emotions and how to manage them.

    It is teaching me how to eat right in a way that my body has never known.

    It is making me realize that this GD cigarette habit that I stupidly picked back up is going to kill me.

    I stand in the front row now, right in front of the mirror. Bikram likes to say that "the darkest place in the world is underneath the lamp" and oh boy is that true.

    I make my towel as flat as humanly possible.

    I stand perfectly still between poses.

    I do not fidget.

    I do not distract myself with my water bottle. I hydrate throughout the day. I sip only at allowed intervals (Bikram has these as well), after Eagle pose, after the spine strengthening series. I bust butt in the balancing poses. I have to work really, really hard at the balancing poses. Balance has always been difficult for me and my body never knew how to do it, but I am learning.

    I follow the practice with diligence and intensity because I am not quite sure how to manage my emotions as a person without anything external to cling to. I cling to the union of mind, body, spirit instead, in that boiling room, and I sweat buckets, and I try like hell not to move except with precision when required, and I focus and I accept my infintestimal gains as well as my more profound limitations physically.

    I just keep going. Every day.

    My first double, Wednesday, I was so excited. Doubles are for hard-core followers. I have been wanting to do one for a while but I was scared. I sweat a lot, much more so than the average person. The thought of pouring out THAT much sweat in one day was daunting, as well as the fear I had over doing three hours of Bikram in one day. It seems a little crazy. It seems a bit much. But at my studio, people do it all the time. And the ones that do it all the time have this rigor, form, and overall peace and acceptance about them that I find appealing. There is one male Program friend in there that goes daily, too. His Standing Bow Pose is to die for (as well as his body) and we talk about how spiritually the practice holds us. But he does doubles and doesn't die and so do a lot of other people so I figured what the hell.

    I went to the 9:30 class and then the 6:30 class.

    The second class I was so loose and it was so surprisingly easy at first that I got excited. And then when we got to the hard stuff, something clicked and something took over. I got dizzy and nauseous (this is not uncommon) but it didn't matter. I just kept going. And when we finally got to the floor series, I started to feel high as hell. Like really high. Like WTF am I on sort of high. And I started to black out a little bit, but my body was still going, and it was STILL much easier than it was in the morning. I think your mind and body just get tired - so tired, too tired to fight any more - and so you just DO it.

    I whipped through the rest of the class on autopilot.

    The best thing about Bikram yoga is that you cannot think about anything else other than what you are doing. It is totally and completely impossible for your mind to wander because your absolute focus MUST be on what you are doing. I did not have that experience in Vinyasa flow. There was also a clock in my Vinyasa studio, which I think sucks. There's no clock in Bikram.

    So when class ends I'm always sort of sad that I have to think again. Actually, that's only my experience this week, because it's my first week out of school and I have time to emote again and I don't like that.

    Perhaps unsurprisingly I don't want to feel anything. Because during July all I felt was really, really good at all I was accomplishing and the new people I was helping. This first week of August, I have that same sad sinking feeling again that I had all through May and June and I realize that oh crap dude this process of transformation in my life and my divorce and letting go of attachments and sobriety is far from over, and yeah, that's okay, but still, crap. I don't want to feel anything because I feel sad and lonely and it doesn't really MATTER than I feel sad and lonely, which is a gift if you consider the drug addict I was for many many years, but gripping that with both hands and staring it in the face and shrugging and saying "yeah, so what?" is hard, as strong as it will make me and as soft and humbling as it can be.

    So I left my first double at about 8:10 and driving home there was all this weird August sunset cast light everywhere, and I STILL felt WEIRD, like HIGH AS HELL, so I was pounding electrolytes and water. It was a GOOD high though. Like a REAL high, like "I have crossed the line to another plateau" sort of high. My body was all loose and pliable and then, suddenly, out of nowhere, on the highway, I started to BAWL.

    Like SOB. Out of NOWHERE. Big barking rasping howly sobs that were literally tearing me up from the inside and were scary, and I started laughing at the same time too cuz they were so random, and I have to tell you that I continued howling and sobbing most of the way home and it was honestly one of the more cleansing experiences of my life.

    Back when I was high all the time I used to cry a LOT. Feel me on that? But they were not REAL tears. They were just drug-induced panic tears, or surface emotional tears, or how-do-i-get-my-way kind of tears. And then, initially, when I got sober, I cried a lot too, because those were "holy crap my body is really changing here and I don't know how to manage the smallest thing" tears.

    These felt like REAL tears. Like some sort of real emotional catharsis brought about by the union of body/mind/spirit and oh, THREE HOURS of yoga in one day.

    It felt transformative. It felt strange. It felt like I was crossing some barrier with God.

    I don't think we addicts really think about just how traumatic addiction is to the human spirit, how it renders us completely helpless to live life and experience life the way it's meant to be lived and experienced. I used to go on and on about The Solution and I still believe in The Solution, it is still the underlying basis of my life. But the way it unfolds for me to manage and live my life changes drastically day to day.

    Point being that I am realizing that long, long into my recovery, I will STILL be learning gradually how to manage my daily emotions and it will still feel alien.

    I can't get over how that random crying felt, though. Because the mind/body/spirit connection is very powerful and very real. And my addiction and addiction problems have always manifested physically; I have always been a partial bulimic and obsessed with food and weight and control; I have always prided myself on stuffing down emotions.

    I will never forget how it felt to cry that way on Wednesday - without even being really SAD, just as some sort of howling soul-opening RELEASE that was HEALTHY - after my double, and it just makes me want to do more and more and more doubles, to stay in Bikram all day long just dehydrating and lying in a pool of my own sweat and pulling my hamstrings and shoulders into new and interesting shapes, but I will hold off.

    Today I'm going to the noon class, and then I'm going to my folks' camp.

    My dad's sailboat is under the camp and the sail needs fixing and no one uses that boat anymore, and my stepdad told me the boat is mine if I want it. So I've committed this weekend to fixing the sailboat, repainting it, patching the sail, and getting the sucker back out there, and there's no Bikram yoga class for more than 175 miles of that wilderness. It will be a good action-oriented activity, and it will keep me from making a healthy obsession an unhealthy one.

    Balance, balance, balance.

    It is no great gift of irony that the balancing series in Bikram is by far my greatest challenge.

    P.S. Thank you Piper ... I appreciated your kind words very much. Mwah.
     
  3. serenity80

    serenity80 Well-Known Member

    Thank god u finally updated this thread, lol This is one of my favorites!!!! Glad to hear all is very well for you. Man, u have got to be in the best shape!!! Me? Ha! I couldn't run around the block!!! lol
    Id have to stop and have a cigarette break!!!! LOL Wow!! Im a freakin comedian......j/k
     
  4. teach07

    teach07 Well-Known Member

    Hey Dani......Ditto to what Piper said.....all of it.....Glad life is good for you these days....I think those times when we get overwhelmed and sad are normal....at least for me it is.....that's why the saying, this to shall pass, is something I try not to forget....unfortunately, the saying also applies to life when its good.....I'll never forget the first time I was blabbering about how wonderful everything was and an old timer looked at me and said.....this to shall pass...really pissed me off.......but today I get it....life is a roller coaster ride......ups and downs and all arounds.....today I am learning how to accept that and walk thru life without having to use....good times or bad....anyway....I admire your commitment to yoga.....I REALLY need to lose weight and I'm having a hard time committing to it..... reading your post helps me too realize I CAN DO IT......just have to DO IT......take care Dani......

    Much Love .....SST
     
    Last edited: Aug 5, 2011
  5. gettingbetter

    gettingbetter Well-Known Member

    Hey y'all. I decided not to leave for camp till the morning. :) I'm going to work on writing tonight and make my mom a cake for her birthday because that's a nice thing to do, and she can finally have chocolate again because of this new med she's on and she's very excited.

    I just got back from yoga and it was awesome because my favorite teacher was there. She's really funny and really strict and never lets me get away with anything and really pushes me. At any rate there were three new 18-year-old girls behind me and the three of them literally fell apart, and it was awesome. I don't mean that meanly. It just made me realize that I have indeed worked very hard to do what I can do. They came in sort of cocky and giggly and left looking like whipped puppies. I shouldn't feel any pride at women 20 years younger than me falling apart but I am an egotistical drug addict - and I bet they never were.

    My point Carol is that YES, you are ABSOLUTELY RIGHT - you just have to DO IT. Depends what you're doing, but LOTS of people find a studio and just sign up for a 30 or 60 day challenge right away. The teachers are really decent at first and just tell you to do what you can. Are you interested in yoga at all? There's all kinds and it's a great way to get started. It honestly is just like recovery, in my experience. You make a commitment, you do it, and you just keep doing it no matter what or how you feel or how stupid you feel.

    In fact, I think that's why going to Bikram over and over again wasn't a big deal for me even though I sucked arse at it in the beginning (and still do many days). I'm always like "whatever, I'm so used to humbling myself via steps and whatnot that I could give a sweet f**k what these Career Bikram People think of me, because guess what, they probably AREN'T thinking of me at all." Carol, I'm a Special Gym kid. I was in Special Gym for years. Being athletic and just trying over and over again to get better, just DOING it, was a HUGE mental block for me. It has NEVER come easy. And that's why I do it - because it's really humbling for me to suck, especially at the balancing stuff. It's not about being good. It's just about doing it.

    Thing about yoga is it MAKES you eat better. I don't know what it is but I no longer crave crap food at all. My body wants unprocessed food all the time.

    Next step for me is to quit the butts again. I will do that when I'm sure I won't freak out over minor weight gain. Baby steps. House of friggin' cards, sometimes.

    Incidentally Carol ... what that oldtimer said to you is HILARIOUS ... "this too shall pass" when things were wonderful ... that's GREAT. I wish someone had said that to me when I was starting out, but I'm sure I would have gotten as pissed as you.
     
  6. gettingbetter

    gettingbetter Well-Known Member

    Former prison inmate/addict turns Bikram yoga teacher, and it's QUITE the story: (also see the article on Jeanne Huston from the NYT this year - she's a junkie who did Bikram's teacher training at age 49 - guinevere was kind enough to post it earlier in this thread, before I even started doing Bikram :))

    Bikram Yoga || Massage Therapy Articles
     
  7. guinevere64

    guinevere64 Well-Known Member

    who loves ya, baby? ;)
    bring it. x/g
     
  8. gettingbetter

    gettingbetter Well-Known Member

    Where the heck have you been? I'm going to your blog. I was there a few weeks ago but didn't holler. You've been on my brain baby.
     
  9. guinevere64

    guinevere64 Well-Known Member

    very busy, dude. couple new writing gigs, plus renovating the third-floor kitchen in our apartment building & renting it out, plus renting out 2nd floor, plus kid home till 30 August. he's almost 14. FOURTEEN. he still likes to "nestle" (as he says) before bedtime. i think he thinks it ought to bother him, but i ain't sayin nothin, just kinda soak it up cause i know it won't be forever.

    we're working on 30 self-portraits in 30 days. he's getting ready to apply to a creative arts public high school. also to a (very expensive) private high school. sometimes keeps me up at night worrying about tuition. ... he's writing songs; he spent a week in rock-band camp, he was the lead guitarist for the band that finished out the show, they covered "We Belong" by Pat Benatar and it was awesome seeing him start the song.

    came across drugs in my house a couple weeks ago. fentanyl: and the stuff was almost new. i mean, it was 3+ years old, but it looked almost new, right? squirreled away inside a drawer. managed not to take it. thank goodness. but it fu cked with my head for a while. i was real p!ssed that i didn't "recoil as from a hot flame." i was also p!ssed that i couldn't use the stuff. caught truly between a rock and a hard place. i was like the way my hb gets when he rolls up a post-it note and "smokes" it. uses without using. ... in the end i was too scared of ODing. if it had been just pills, i might have been in really bad shape. i thought of what happened to you earlier this year. it helped me... thanks. but i guess i still got a ways to go.

    spoke at the women's shelter last week & took my picture-book I made of sketches of people in my family who died from addiction, and people who have helped me get sober. the women loved it. want to find a way to help people use words and drawings to heal.

    finishing second round of p90x with my hb, who has lost 15 lbs and looks the way he did when i met him. best of all his knee hurts less & he no longer has to take cholesterol meds. happy for him. ... i can now do 145 push-ups in an hour-long workout.

    read The Help the other day. what did you think?

    please holler on the blog. love you g
     
  10. Bonita

    Bonita Well-Known Member

    Hey there Jump buddy,

    I hear ya on the temptation. I at times need to do have MS around, never been a problem till a few days ago... freaked me out that I was craving it so bad after two yrs WTF? freak me out so bad I gathered all the mind altering medication in my home, wrapped them up and took them to my sisters house. She is instructed to hold them till end of this month no matter what i say. Her seeing how I struggled for the last 35 yrs with dope she was happy to help. Do you think we will ever be in the clear?

    Got to share... your blogged had made it presents in my neck of the woods. Was actually posted on the oldest site of IBogaine there is.. Just had to share. I felt pride to even know who the writer was. The subject was Dr Scaland. I just had to share this with you. Wanted to know just how many folks your reaching with your blog. I don't know why I have followed it myself. I spent nearly 3 hr at your site one night reading with pride to know you.

    I know pride is not something I should have ... but shieeeeet. I was so proud to know you.

    With love and respect,
     
  11. gettingbetter

    gettingbetter Well-Known Member

    Haven't read The Help yet: keep hearing killer reviews, though.

    Thought of you this morning G (and hello Bonita and I thought of you too) when I woke up: had a massive drug dream. Smoking heroin of all things. I don't think I ever did that (emphasis on 'think'; there are big portions of my memory simply blotted out). Why have such a vivid dream about it? Weird.

    * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
    I've been meaning to start another little series wrapping up summer and recovery and life as I head into another turning point - the start of the new school year. Here goes nothing.

    Prologue: Spiritual Summer

    This morning started like any other: I got up and went to 7-Eleven. I was headed into school to decorate my classroom.

    I headed north on Route 3. I turned on my blinker to go left into the convenience store. A man was in a blue station wagon perpendicular to me, coming out of the 7-Eleven. He was inching into the road looking like he wanted to cut me off going in despite my right of way. He continued pulling out as I started to turn, and then he REALLY started to pull out.

    I jammed on the brakes and honked the horn.

    He stopped, and I turned left. Our faces met in our respective car windows. Heart hammering, pissed off, I flipped him the bird at the exact same time that he held up his left hand in a wave and mouthed "Sorry".

    Oh, sh*t, I thought. I instantly felt terrible. I pulled in to the 7-Eleven recognizing my bad karmic action and realizing there was nothing I could do to reverse it.

    At the exact same moment, driver of said blue station wagon screeched into the spot next to me and rolled down his passenger side window.

    "WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?" he yelled, puffed, inflated. "WHERE DO YOU GET OFF GIVING ME THE FINGER FOR CHRIST'S SAKE?"

    "Hey, look," I said, getting out of the car. "I am REALLY sorry. I felt bad the SECOND I did it, it was a gut reaction to fear. I apologize sincerely."

    "I DIDN'T SEE YOU FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!" he continued, sneering at me. "IS THAT JUST SOMETHING YOU DO ON A REGULAR BASIS?"

    "Hey," I said, tensing. "I apologize, sincerely."

    "WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?" he yelled even more loudly. "I'M JUST DRIVING ALONG HERE AND I DIDN'T SEE YOU AND -"

    "HEY, ARSEHOLE!" I said, slamming the door to my car and leaning toward his. "I SAID I WAS SORRY! YOU WANT TO GET OUT OF MY FACE?"

    "That's real nice talk," he sputtered. "Why don't you learn to talk and act like a LADY?"

    I raised my eyebrows and waved my hands in the air and sneered at him. "SEE? You aren't pissed SOMEONE gave you the finger. You're pissed that some BROAD gave you the finger. I'm no LADY. I'm A PERSON, ARSEHOLE." My adrenaline surged; my blood was pumping. I seriously would have fought the son of a biatch if he had had the balls to get his considerable arse out of the car.

    "A real nice person, too," he yelled, backing out of the space. I stood there watching him go.

    And then he hurled the ULTIMATE insult.

    "A person from MASSACHUSETTS, probably," he hollered, pulling out of the lot.

    "New Hampshire all the way, you jerk!" I yelled after him.

    I watched him go.

    What the F**K just happened there? my brain yelled. That was MOST DECIDEDLY UNSPIRITUAL BEHAVIOR ON YOUR PART.

    Ugh.

    I have found myself having to check decidedly aggressive behaviors lately that I do not like to think are part of my character. But they are. And today's incident is a good enough starting point for me to write about what I learned, spiritually, this summer.

    - I have an amend I did at the beginning of June to discuss (among others, and 20 some-odd more to go) that framed the whole summer for me.
    - The resolution of two separate identities in my psyche that are pushing my recovery to the next level.
    - The healing of Bikram yoga and how it relates to eating disorders.
    - My 20th high school reunion and how it relates to sponsorship.
    - What I learned about relationships this summer.
    - What I learned about being a teacher.
    - What I learned through inventory.
    - How divorce makes you stronger and more God-reliant.

    and what I'm currently learning:
    - how to be a loving, nurturing woman who is still strong, independent, and fierce.
    - how to take care of myself and stand up for myself as a single, strong woman WITHOUT being a biatch from hell. (see this morning's incident for a REALLY GOOD EXAMPLE of what NOT to do).
    - how to take care of OTHERS and think primarily of OTHERS so that being alone and independent does NOT mean totally self-absorbed
    (it is MUCH more difficult to be other-centered when one lives alone; this is my biggest challenge so far).

    and so much more.

    Thanks for reading. I begin at the end ... and here we go.
     
  12. serenity80

    serenity80 Well-Known Member

    Dani says I'm no LADY. I'm A PERSON, ARSEHOLE, Luv that Dani. U were so right. But yes at times I get that same attitude also. Who doesn' have anger??? But atleast u are not afraid to feel and thats HUGE!!! Addicts hate feelings so I'd say thats a big accomplishment even tho u flipped out LITERALLY....lol WTF was up with that crazy arse dream of yours???? lol
     
  13. teach07

    teach07 Well-Known Member

    Love it....call me sick but like you said you are a person and you aint perfect....you tried to apologize and although he (AKA AHOLE) does'nt have to accept it he kept pushing you....yeah, yeah I know....in recovery we are suppose to handle situations differently....but sometimes **** happens and we respond....thats just the way it is.......Love ya Dani.... oh...by the way....when do you guys ( aka Yall :) start school.....we've been in since Aug.11....kinda solw for me right now but things will pick up........next thing you know I'll be cruising all over the county trying to find enough time in the day to do what needs to be done....feast or famine....kinda like addiction...huh??


    Carol
     
  14. kdgtlg

    kdgtlg Well-Known Member

    That. Is. Awesome. :)

    ...and that is precisely why I love you...


    T
     
  15. serenity80

    serenity80 Well-Known Member

    kdgtlg....That was sweet......
     
  16. guinevere64

    guinevere64 Well-Known Member

    yes, i DO go back and read threads for wisdom. wise stuff here, Dani... thanks.

    as someone told me recently, "i can get into no end of trouble without picking up and i need the friendship of those with whom i can confess to being terrified, needy, confused, egomaniacal and selfish."

    i can get into no end of trouble without using. i use other stuff instead... even stuff that exists only inside my mind... (i used to use books this way when i was a kid; also my imagination)

    focusing on direct experience. accepting what's "really" real.

    also, yes, letting go of control... thanks, as always, Dani... x/G
     
  17. gettingbetter

    gettingbetter Well-Known Member

    Thanks for shouting out everyone and I love you all. I know exactly what comes next in this series. I just have to swallow the lumps in my throat and write it out.

    In the meantime, read this most excellent musing on the concept of detachment from a Bikram yoga instructor, during her 2007 training in Hawaii. She's a hell of a writer.

    I am thinking about possibly becoming a Bikram instructor. Possibly. If, in six months, I am still as entranced with my Bikram practice, I will give it serious thought. I think it could help a lot of addicts. The style matches us. Me, anyway. This garden-variety-addict-girl-woman.

    heat and humility: i promise i won't let go.
     
  18. Trigger

    Trigger Well-Known Member

    uhhh... dani? did you ever actually tell me that story you mentioned about your eyebrows? maybe you told me and i forgot? it would probably help a lot...
     
  19. gettingbetter

    gettingbetter Well-Known Member

    Oh Trigs I miss you so.

    It would stand to reason that if you knew there was indeed a story about, of all things, my eyebrows, and that you had some sort of vague recollection of this topic in fact being a story, that I would have indeed told it to you at some point. :)

    Thank you so so much for reminding me who and what I am today. Because of that I will re-tell the story.

    1999, May or June.

    I am a hard-core crystal methamphetamine addict.

    I am a pizza delivery driver.

    I am on a long, strong bender with the stuff. I have been up for days and days and days and time has lost all sequence or meaning. It was a really strong batch running through the ATL that had everyone f**ked, that I remember. Shards of clear ice, cloudy glass, streaks of white, pungent odor. No nose hairs, nostrils on fire, red raw capillaries peeking out the bottom, metallic taste of just ripened raw blood in my mouth all the time. Sticks for arms, sticks for legs, pallid complexion, always alone, always nighttime, very, very sick.

    It is four a.m. or so. I am staring in the mirror. I am preening. I decide to pluck my eyebrows. They need shaping.

    I do several lines of speed to get ready. (God forbid I do anything at all without a drug-induced impetus.)

    I begin. I shape, I pluck. I shape, I pluck. I frown. I can't match them. I can't match them. I can't match them. I become so absorbed in finding the individual hair on each brow that will shape them perfectly that I am practically kissing the mirror. I pluck. I pluck. F**K. They don't match. Pluck here. Pluck here. Pluck here. Pluck here.

    I become so absorbed in my quest to pluck and match eyebrows that I do not look at the clock until I do and realize two and a half hours has gone by.

    When I look back at the mirror I realize I have plucked off almost all of my left eyebrow trying to get it to match the right.

    I whimper and try to make the right match.

    Now I have plucked off almost all of both eyebrows.

    (this is nothing small, folks. i have HUGE eyebrows. i always have. people have asked me if i am from the middle east many times.)

    I had to draw them in for weeks with a large pencil.

    There's no way, Trigs, for me to recount the hours between my realization of what I'd done and the preparation for having to leave the house.

    They grew back. But I am glad that memory is still scarring me.

    I hope it helps you. Did me girl. Call if you need to. I'm headed to Massachusetts to see my grandparents.
     
  20. Trigger

    Trigger Well-Known Member

    It helps! It helps! Just nice to hear a friendly voice in a faraway town. Wish you were here... I'm living in a hotel outside LA in the Inland Empire. This place is right next to a Bukowski-style racetrack, and it reminds me of a godless south. So easy to cat around in a small town where no one knows you. I miss everybody and aim to write soon.

    It's interesting that you remember these "scars" fondly. there is so much that i want to bury forever.
     

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