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staying clean...???

Discussion in 'Freedom from Hell ~ Staying Clean~' started by sydbean6464, Aug 18, 2010.

  1. sydbean6464

    sydbean6464 New Member

    Okay, this may seem stupid but I seem to be able to stay away from major problems like a long time addiction to methadone and daily alcohol use etc. But I can't seem to stay 100 percent clean from everything. Its a benzo here or an adderall there and so on. I hate it and want to feel like a normal person without using but I just can't find it. Has anyone else found freedom from some serious long term heavy use but been unable to stay totally clean. I can't even imagine my life if I ever got back to how sick and addicted I was in the past but why is that not enough to keep me from using at all? I know it is a deadly gamble. Why can't I stay clean???

    I know this sounds simple and dumb but I am really feeling alone in this. Like everyone else who has been thru recovery got some info I some how missed. Hope someone can understand or relate or has some advise! Thanks.
     
  2. Megzy

    Megzy Well-Known Member

    Hi Sydbean,

    Are you the same Sydbean from a few years ago on the methadone forum??? Suzie??? :):eek::)
     
  3. sydbean6464

    sydbean6464 New Member

    Megzy- yeppers..it is suzie! Thank goodness I am clean from methadone. Went to summer house. In fl. And it saved my life! Have not ever been addicted to that or anything again. but as you read can't seem to find my way to total sobriety. As long as I am just addicted to getting high and not one particular thing I seem to be stuck. Def. Won't touch certain things out of total fear....I.e. Methadone and that junk but still.....ugh! I read a post by someone talking about being addicted to being in any different state of mind...however you can get there...it sounded familiar.

    Sorry for the babble. I am just frustrated. I feel like I won the battle but can't win the war.
     
  4. Megzy

    Megzy Well-Known Member

    Holy chit Suzie, I am so happy to see you here. You made my day. Sorry you're not winning the war but at least you are still in it fighting.

    I can't even tell you how many times I got clean only to find myself using some other drug thinking that maybe I could handle that drug. It never worked out for me in the long run but I spent many miserable years trying to prove to myself and everyone around me that I wasn't an addict and could handle "prescribed" pills and not have a problem. Those were pretty miserable years for me, I knew I wasn't clean but yet I wasn't down and out like I had been previously when I was on drugs. It's a chitty place to be.

    But you are here so maybe something in you wants to change?
     
  5. sydbean6464

    sydbean6464 New Member

    Megzy- thanks for the welcome back. I do want to change and I am not ready to give up! Just hate that I can't seem to figure it out. But won't stop trying! Gotta figure out why I am so busy trying to always change the way I feel...good, bad or indifferent.
     
  6. Megzy

    Megzy Well-Known Member

    Suzie,

    You cracked me up when you said you felt like everyone else in recovery got some information that you missed. I felt like that my whole life.:D

    I think everybody is trying to change the way they feel. It's just that some people (like us) always run to the drugs first to change us. Sooner or later we realize that doesn't work anymore and in fact just makes things worse. I remember when I would take a pill and feel high or happy. That stopped working for me a long time ago and so I was forced to find something else to make me feel happy. I am not even sure I totally found it yet but I know I sure as heck won't find it in a drug, any drug.

    I hope you stick around here. I am glad you made it off the methadone and I hope you can continue to fight and win the war.

    [​IMG]
     
  7. sydbean6464

    sydbean6464 New Member

    I plan on sticking around and trying to figure this out. I am glad I am not the only one that has felt like that. Talked to my therapist today and tried to get some more insight. Why isn't this easier? Lol! Ugh. Does everyone eventually find something that feels better than a high or do they just accept that it doesn't exist? I mean I totally have things that I can see as miracles and wonderful that are totally unrelated to being high...but over all I feel better and more "normal" when I am. As long as I am not addicted or a slave to a certain drug I remain confused! Help!
     
  8. Megzy

    Megzy Well-Known Member

    Hey Suzie,

    I sure as heck felt more "normal" when I was high, that's exactly why I used and that's exactly why when I feel uncomfortable (even now sometimes) my first thought is usually that a pill or any drug would sure help me out. And maybe it would make me feel high or normal for a short bit but I know what follows that and it is something I am not willing to risk anymore.

    I don't know, it kinda sounds like you are a slave to drugs. It is bothering you that you are taking something and you came back here so something is tugging at your heart to do something differently? It really kinda sounds like you are torturing yourself.

    I was thinking about you all day at work. I am glad you are back.:)
     
  9. peacenik

    peacenik Administrator

    First off Hi sydbean :) so good to hear from you. And yes I do think in recovery you find something better. But it has a lot to do with discovering that a high is not all it seems at first.

    Getting high carries with it all sorts of baggage. I know you know about being addicted to methadone, but I think the once in a while use of drugs must carry negative baggage for you or you wouldn't be asking about it.

    I know that for me my life didn't truly turn around till I went drug free. When you're not looking for that instant gratification of a drug, you begin to learn to look at life differently. You learn that in recovery you do the footwork, the rewards come later. And life sure is rewarding this way. It's the difference between a quick high that leaves you feeling guilty, and the fulfillment that comes from living through a situation and doing the right thing. I don't think I'd ever go back to drugs, even if I thought I could do it once in a while :)

    I hope you'll come share with us on the methadone detox section or anywhere Suzie.


    Dave
     
  10. Joplinfrk

    Joplinfrk Well-Known Member

    I found that the high I was chasing just wasn't there anymore and for 15 years I kept looking for it. It wasn't fun any more; worrying about scoring, having the money, counting pills, withdrawal, ect. It was not living. I lost everything I ever worked for in every respect.
    For today, I don't have to live or feel like that again and neither do you. Have faith and stay strong.
     
  11. RunTheMachine

    RunTheMachine Well-Known Member

    Hiya syd,

    Hope you're finding yourself in a more peaceful place today. I know the ups & downs are exhausting... and leave more questions that answers.

    Trust me, and I promise when I tell you, you are NOT alone.

    I quote something my ex wife gleaned in her college reading: "Nature abhors a vacuum", and it rings true for me every day of my waking life... clean or 'dirty'. Something. ANYthing! I just jones to fill an emptiness in me that has never been filled with drugs or alcohol, or with clean living. It's a constant and relentless hunger.

    I, too, yearn and wish (so desperately!) for that "high" you talk about. A high that comes in the form of a passion for something in my life, that has nothing to do with mind/mood altering substances. Awesome kids, healthy relationships, job fulfillment, handling our business, NOT being an ate-up mess, and even the 'cleanest' of living, just doesn't seem to give me that "high" I long for. NOR do drugs or alcohol, after about the first hour. And the guilt that follows that, for me, is a low far beneath the 'hunger' I started with.

    <sigh...> So, I continue to search for that sated feeling that only a temporary high has brought me in the past. Fighting for world peace, crocheting doilies that look like Shrek, driving the freeways to rescue stranded motorists, lifting weights 'til I look like Lou Ferrigno, writing a dissertation on the benefits of raising alpacas, naked skydiving, feeding the hungry.... there's GOT to be something that gets me "high", without taking drugs or drinking.

    IMHO, my ex is a dolt. But, "Nature abhors a vacuum"... makes a lot of sense to me. We're 'hungry' people, us addicts. Hell, cracking that first beer (for me) just cranks that hunger up to 10! Then I want everything else. Once I start, I'm never satisfied. I just want to consume... and consume... and consume. There aren't enough different drugs in the world to make me get to the point of "Okay, sweet! I'm good now".

    Godspeed in your quest, syd. Much peace & love to you.
    GII
     
  12. Friend2U

    Friend2U Well-Known Member

    Syd
    Oh how i know this feeling/statement:you felt like everyone else in recovery got some information that you missed. I felt like that my whole life
    Over the last couple/few years i have become the person that takes a pill to: go to work, clean the house, go food shopping, stop the anxiety, stop the pain...etc etc etc.
    The truth is "normal" people don't reach for a pill/substance to live life. It something bad happens they cry, something good, they smile. Where did i lose that ability? For 30 years I lived life on life's terms then I found "pain medication" and pain relief...what a crock of shyt.
    So many people in the rooms talk about looking at their neighbors (or anyone) and wonder how they do what they do. Simple things like walking the dog, weeding the garden...all unimpaired. I want that gift (of life) back!
    For me, right now, i am so mad at myself, the doctors, the pills, the lies! I seriously had no idea what i was getting into. WTF? When i did feel i was abusing the pain pills i asked for non narcotic medication (figured they had to be something better than advil) and he gave me Tramadol...Thats when my life changed. Even now when i tell the doctor he feels if used properly they is only slight discomfort and most people use as directed.
     
  13. peacenik

    peacenik Administrator

    I touched on this briefly above RTM. It's an interesting thing and maybe a little hard to explain.

    But when I said that getting high carried baggage with it, I meant that when we begin on the path towards drug addiction the high tells us that there is a short-cut to happiness. Usually our interests in other things fades and eventually we're all messed up and we go off to treatment and get clean.

    The problem is that sometimes we think that in recovery we can pick up one of those old interests of ours and have it provide us with a high like the drugs did but I found that for me at least, that would never be. Actually, I had to let go of the idea that I would, or should, get "high" from anything and start just living life.

    Eventually I found a happiness in recovery beyond what I had thought I could ever have. But it came only after letting go of the idea that I could somehow reach out and grasp it. Some people in recovery say that you need to "do the next right thing" and I think that's how you find your way back to contentment with life. I doubt there is any shortcut - it does take time.

    But what happens is that happiness comes in ways and from places that you never would have anticipated. It truly is an adventure and better than any high I ever had.

    And yeah there's things I really love. I love to go snorkelling off Maui but the good feelings I get come not really from jumping in the water, but from working and saving for the trip, from having a loving wife along with me, and doing the work in our relationship to learn how to stay with each other.

    So though it might not be what you think you're looking for, true happiness is in recovery. But it's different from a "high". It comes from being OK with yourself.

    Dave
     
  14. RunTheMachine

    RunTheMachine Well-Known Member

    Dave,

    Loud & clear on the things you've explained. It's not really complicated at all, and I understand exactly what you're saying with regard to the rewards and satisfaction that come from recovery, in and of itself. It is definitely gratifying on many levels, and feeling good about yourself is an unparalleled reward, right there.

    What I was refering to, was in the paragraph just previous to the one you quoted me on. I was talking about the hunger, the 'hole' if you will, that just doesn't feel satiated even in the midst of the strongest recovery. That 'vacuum' I referred to, that maybe we created during years of use and building our addictions... or, since we seem to be 'cut' that way, maybe it's just part of our unique 'make-up', as addicts. As we all know, not everyone has this emptiness, and most folks are quite content with the small (and large!) satisfactions of their daily life.

    Saving and planning for a trip to Maui, and then actually going there & having a wicked-great time, are really great things. And in a sense, the saving and planning for it (as you stated) maybe was kind of the gap-stop for the 'hunger' I'm referring to! Basically, I was just trying to identify, from a personal standpoint, with the poster's desire to still get high now & then. I feel that for ME, I need to find something that fills that void, where the hunger never sleeps... for long.

    Much peace,
    GII
     
    Last edited: Aug 28, 2010
  15. Megzy

    Megzy Well-Known Member

    Does anybody here remember being higher then a kite and STILL being miserable? I remember that vividly today and sometimes on my bad sober days that is the one memory that keeps me wanting to stay sober.

    Suzie,

    Where are you? I keep thinking you posted because your thread keeps getting bumped up. Come on back girl!!!!!:)
     
  16. oliverthered

    oliverthered Active Member

    maybe look up on ADD/ADHD. personally I've never been able to give up breathing either., and food sucks.
     
  17. XMETHMAN

    XMETHMAN New Member

    I've been around for almost 60 years & never met a "NORMAL" person
     
  18. TickleChef

    TickleChef Member

    Your main issue is you feel "alone". Recovery almost always require a friend or loved one to be there to support you. This is because they can show you the way if you're feeling that you're getting off course. In addition, there's this feeling that you don't want to betray or disappoint them.
     

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