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The Monster Inside my Head

Discussion in 'Heroin ~ Addiction and Recovery' started by spring, Apr 27, 2004.

  1. spring

    spring Administrator

    THE MONSTER INSIDE MY HEAD
    written by Spring
    reprinted from Sept 2003

    This is my personal little concept of my addiction to opiates....

    When I was young and used to watch cartoons, there was this character called the Tasmanian devil. He traveled like a little tornado, a little whirlwind thing everywhere he went.

    He lives in a little room inside my brain. I have my own belief that we addicts may be born with him already there while those without addictive tendencies don't.

    The first time I used heroin the door to his room opened just a crack. He was sound asleep to the point of being almost comatose.

    Every time I used the drug the door would open just a little wider.

    A few years of steadily using heroin finally made that door swing wide open. That was enough to stir him a little.

    A little more steady drug use and he moved a little like he was going to wake up.
    First a little movement, then a yawn and maybe a stretch...a little more arousement every time I shot some dope.

    It took a few years of using to finally wake him up fully.
    Once he had been fed enough to be fully awake was when he really started to get an appetite.

    The more I fed him, the stronger he got and the bigger he got.

    It got to the point that he had to shove things out of his way to make more room for himself.
    He shoved it all to the back of my brain. Those things that were my morals, my values, my self-esteem(there wasn't much of that to begin with anyway), my motivation to pursue any goals I had, and pretty much anything else that might stand in his way of getting fed.

    The more I fed him.....the bigger his appetite got.

    The stronger he got....the weaker I got.

    He made sure not to mess with the part of my brain that allowed me to be resourceful and manipulative though. He was a pretty smart little guy. He knew how to keep the "food" coming.

    Once he was wide awake and fully grown, he moved powerfully like that little whirlwind tornado all around my brain. His movements were so powerful that my life started going the same way, a whirlwind life, chaos, an obsession with feeding that powerful beast.

    One day circumstances came knocking on my door. The lifestyle and the means to make drug money all caught up with me. Well, Hey! I had to find a way to keep that little guy fed!

    Talk about starvation diets! I couldn’t feed him anymore. Not even a snack and he made my life hell for about a week because of it.

    He kept screaming at me 24/7 for his food. All I could think of was how badly I was wanting to feed him to quiet him down. He was really messing with my whole body by then, not with just my brain!

    I was looking at a life situation that I had no control over by being under the thumb of the law and it meant that I would no longer have a way to feed him!

    But as I soon found out, the longer he went without his "food", the weaker he got.

    First he started to leave my bodily functions alone and continued to get weaker and weaker til he finally ran out of strength to mess with my brain.

    The weaker he got, the sleepier he got until one day he finally fell back asleep.
    As his sleep got deeper, the door to his room slowly started to close.

    There came a day when he finally went comatose and the door slammed shut tight.

    All those things that he had moved to the back of my brain slowly began to make their way back to their rightful places.

    ....And then it was time to go around and pick up the broken things caused by the tornado. Some things I could fix, some couldn't be replaced, and some of the wreckage is still being repaired to this day almost 10 years later.

    I was able to keep that sucker in a coma for a few years until one day I ran into an old friend who was also in recovery. He soon relapsed but I did not.
    I thought I could help him get back on track but I stuck around just a little too long with an active user. The rest is history.

    I really thought I could do just a taste without waking the beast. It worked!
    I told myself that as long as I didn’t do "a whole bag at a time" and "never two days in a row" then I would be okay.
    So a week later I did another taste. Then a few days later I did a whole bag. The next day I did another bag.

    It didn’t take much to fully wake up the monster! He had been comatose for years until I woke him up again.

    Here I am today, almost 3 years later after that first "taste just one more time"....I'm still working to put that little sucker back to sleep.

    It’s too bad I can't totally and completely kill him.
    We addicts are always going to have that monster in our head but whether we feed him or put him into a coma is all up to us.

    Peace and God bless us all....
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    REPLIES
    Dcainedwr 3/22/07;
    I was a using addict for 15 years - IV heroin & cocaine, and eventually methadone.
    I went from being a professional musicians to being a street person, living in cars and jailhouses up and down the state of California.

    It has been almost 8 years since I have had a drink or a drug, and life is MUCH better than I expected. I hope every addict gets the same second second chance that I did. Take it easy.
    Doug The Sober Coach
    www.SoberChampion.com

     
  2. debbierh

    debbierh Member

    Hey Spring!!
    Listen, you have come a long way since we first started back in the day!!
    I am proud of you!! and keep up the excellent work.
     
  3. inkslinger

    inkslinger Well-Known Member

    So true .... good explanation spring

     
  4. Sojourner

    Sojourner Well-Known Member

    My monster is more like a demon.. I see these ghostly white faces with eyes so sunken and dark that you can't see the eyeballs. Long, distorted, oversized faces with mouths always open and screaming. During my first week, I swear I could feel hands with claws tearing at the meat in my back. The scary part is how sweet it looks when it's asleep....
     
  5. startinover

    startinover Well-Known Member

    bless you spring, and to those of your sharing your honesty. It isn't always easy seeing on paper (or online, here) just where we go and what we have done, and continue to do.
    I can't stop crying tonight-again!
    I am so afraid of making the change and stopping. Afraid of failure of removing myself from life as I know it now. I have been trying to add some healthy points back into my life-like a bit of exercise, eating better, stuff like that. Doesn't last.Somewhere along the way I must have felt that I did not deserve a clean/content life-can't figure that one at all!
    I feel ...well I am not sure-right now it is immense sorrow.
     
  6. startinover

    startinover Well-Known Member

    I have heard so many times and have said myself the same when a person is ready a person will change.

    So what happens when we (I) want to change, however am not prepared and fearful of making those changes.
    How many times can I come online here and cry and anger myself and maybe many of you out there, too.
    I know I am just venting here, I need to though. So please allow me that respect-It looks like I'm taking it anyway!
    I am so excited about yet another job interview on Monday, and in the next breath question myself -why bother? After all if I am going to go into rehab sooner than later-when that is I am not sure-why go for a new job?
    I've got answers to this and other questions coming out my elbowhole!
    love to you all, and thanks for your patience
     
  7. life2short

    life2short Member

    Spring- this is a great was of seeing the side that you woke up. I'm not a attict but my boyfriend is. I now understand the monster he's been talking about. Thanks.E
     
  8. ex user

    ex user New Member

    hey you, you know funnily enough, although I am miles away from USA, I am in Spain, I can most definately say, this little monster, I have a little room inside my head too, and his brother must live there!!!!!!

    I have just found this site, and read your post and in all the12 years of my addicted life I have tried to find a simple way that people would understand to explain the"adventure" from beggining to{on rare occasions} end and here it is, brought tears to my eyes as I read, I wasnt expecting to read "the rest is history" I was gutted.

    At the moment my monster is sleeping and the door is shut, but very occasionally the wind blows it open. I have used maybe3 times in last18months. Before that I was spending about 50 euros a day plus the 80ml methadone. So Im pretty thankfull I suppose, although I put myself in a situation that would make it very difficult to score.

    Here in Spain the places you need to go to score are very dangerouse, and I would never go there at night on my own if I wasnt desperate and turkying so after detoxing I moved to another area and started working during the day changed my phone number, cut off from all fellow users. Now it would take me over an hour to get to where I used to score, and I just wouldnt take the risk.

    Now if I only needed to go round the corner I recon things would be significantly different, but I preffer them as they are and the door is slowly but surely loocking I dont know if I would ever be able to kill him completely but hopefully I can put him in a comer and eventually switch off the life support machine. Good luck taming yours.

    I just love your post so much I want to have it on paper and maybe make it into a poster to put in my room, its a work of art, Im serious. Im not very experienced with computers can you give me any idea how I can save it as my printer isnt working at the moment.

    Reply from Spring;
    Hi exuser, Thanks for all the warm compliments. You brought tears to my eyes as well.

    The only way I can think of to save it is to copy it onto a floppy disk. Then when you can get to a computer with a printer, insert the floppy and print it out from there.
     
  9. ex user

    ex user New Member

    hey there,
    Cheers for that Spring, recon Ill be able to do it in Internet cafe.

    Ashley I agree with you 100 percent, firstly to Riwm, curiousity killed the cat as they very rightly say, I am 100 percent sure that if you new properly where that s??t would land you after a week of using it then you wouldnt even touch it, It is big time addictive, and not only will it crush your health, self respect, morals and family and people close to you but it will suck your wallet and bank account completely dry, believe me.!!!

    As for it still being in your system now, like Ashley said you can relax. Here in Spain the heroin is mixed with crack, and I tested it out once with home drug tests that I managed to aquire at the time when I was "occasionally" using, and after 3 to 4 days both the heroin and the crack where out of my system. Although everybody is different and we all eliminate toxins at a different rate, we are still only talking about a matter of days.

    So take heed, drugs only take you "up" the first few timesyou use them, then they grab you by your soul and rip you to shreds, and turn the lives of people round about you upside down, I myself have 2 beautifull children of 9 and 6 and it kills me when I think back that it was in my hands to do things differently to give them the better life that they deserve but I chose the drug, it didnt choose me!!! The guilt is unbearable at times... Not worth it my friends.......Not worth it.
     
  10. Another Mom

    Another Mom New Member

    Your story made me realize what is going on inside my son's head. He started H a year ago, it took me a whole summer, and thousands of dollars to just get an idea of how powerful this devil is. When you first find out a loved one is using, you get mad and think they can just stop out of shame, but it's beyond that. There is no shame. My mother was addicted to gum and black licorish. Whatever the addiction, it's not easy to stop, but H changes the personality. I need help to figure out how to help him.

    Deb
     
  11. Wishbone

    Wishbone New Member

    Dear Startinover;

    I promised myself that I would kick the habit (prescription opiates -- in great excess) once I nailed that fantastic new career opportunity. The Habit persisted and Kicked me back -- and I lost that fantastic career as an (indirect) result of the Habit. I'm now facing that the Habit, the 'Monster Inside My Head' needs to be addressed before I go on excitedly seeking out another new career that will supposedly solve all of my problems. I know that I can get another great job -- I know that I can do all that I set out to do when I had the energy and the enthusiasm -- and before I was a prisoner of my own mind, of my own internal Monster.

    We need to take the time to heal -- as impossible as that may seem for those of us who support ourselves, who support our families, for all of us who must find a spark to inspire forward momentum again. How do we do it? Who has the time, the money, the internal and external resources to take sufficient time to heal ourselves? So few -- and that is a flaw of 'the system'. This fact must change, but we must fend for ourselves with a lack of truly helpful resources in the meantime.

    The only way I can deal with my addiction is to face reality -- to suck it up, get over it, and to move on. I believe it is possible for me, but I have failed before. Can I do it this time? I know we are all capable by some means or another -- so let's try to give each other the strength to succeed in our own way, in our own time.

    Thank to those of you who have taken the time to post these very meaningful messages. We will all be well in time

    With Love,
    Wishbone
     
  12. fishman

    fishman Well-Known Member

    Spring Thats a beautiful analogy of that SOB.He/she also has a big family becus his cousin resides in my head and he's wide awake and kicking ass. He's about to have a serious diet change and i know he's going to get pissed. He ain't going to like it but he knows he has to change. I'll be in touch when he starts eating properly.
     
  13. deg

    deg Well-Known Member

    I haven't fed my monster for weeks now, and I thought he was goin to sleep, but now hes messing with my head, telling me I'm a failure, telling me that despite having a B.Sc. and an M.Sc. I'll never amount to anything, I'll never get a good job, I'll never feel love again, and that my life is over.
    Its like a big joke, I get off the drugs, thinking, stupidly, that once I stop taking them my life will return to 'normal',ahhhh nevermind, one day it will!

    BUT....the fight continues!!
     
  14. tracy5

    tracy5 Member

    your analogy regarding the tasmanian devil is brilliant, its exactly what its like. I haven't used heroin now for 3 years but, the little party animal inside me is always there. I daren't call any old friends because I just don't trust my animal. I have to stay strong because I just can't bear going back to that hideous life style. You know the one, get up, find the money for a bag, chase a dealer who thinks 2 hours is 5 minutes, get it, do it, gouch for a while, repeat the process, crash out in the chair and then get up again next day etc etc. Ground hog day! It takes determination to stay strong, but believe me, if I can do it, anyone can. Remember those sad dealers need us you don't need them!
     
  15. methadonna

    methadonna Active Member

    Hi Everyone.
    I know it's been a LONG time since I posted but I have visited quite often. I just HAD to post on this topic about "THE MONSTER". Last all of you knew was that I was detoxing off of Methadone and was successful as of September 6.2006. BUT,,,,people, places and things started to come around me again where I had totally isolated my social butterfly self for the previous 5yrs while I was on Methadone. Amazing how these people just POP UP, isn't it? One of which relapsed after 15yrs clean that I've known since High school. Needless to say, I have been playing Russian Roulette so far 5x's, also smoking crack which was a "yet" for me but even though I hate Cocaine, did that too. The crack I did with my Sister who was let out of jail for the umpteenth time the day I arrived in Florida to housesit my Dad's house since he was going away and didn't want to leave the house unattended with my Sister on the loose. Even though I have been strung out many times in my day, I still was able to hold onto my morals and values and my friends and Family always trusted me because I was trustworthy. Only by the grace of God, not me. Well, needless to say, I smoked the Crack the day after my last dose of 2mgs of Methadone and was thrown into complete withdrawals. Did I learn my lesson? Nope. Did it again just recently.
    Now, I am a very intelligent Woman, which means nothing when it comes to addiction, but I KNOW in my heart of hearts EXACTLY what my purpose is here on this earth. To help other sick and recovering addicts. I'm good at it, I want to be a Counselor which would also help keep me clean. I can't seem to find my way to a friggin' meeting. As ridiculous as it sounds, I can't. I reconnected with my long time Sponsor and was to meet her the night I was rushed into emergency surgery to have my Gallbladder and stones taken out. I had no warning whatsoever. I wound up staying in the Hospital way longer than expected because I had a massive infection. That was 2days before Christmas. I sniffed Dope AGAIN a couple of weeks later.
    I sit here feeling like the biggest LOSER in the world. God, I wish my intellect could take over but that "MONSTER" is loose now and he is way more powerful than my so called intellect.
    In the interum of all this, my Marriage became OVER after waiting 5yrs for him, my Cat died, my Son nearly killed his Girlfriend and threatened to shoot me, his Mother, which I thought stood for something but, WRONG AGAIN.
    So, folks, here I am. Still isolated, finally in my OWN BEAUTIFUL APT, which took me YEARS to get and I still have not even so much as hung a picture. So, how are all of you?
     

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