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The Monster Inside my Head

Discussion in 'Heroin ~ Addiction and Recovery' started by spring, Apr 27, 2004.

  1. Tom34

    Tom34 Member

    I remember very clearly, exactly how I reacted to my first heroin use. I thought, after all these years of popping pills, smoking pot, drinking, and what have you - I had finally found the feeling I was looking for, this was it ! Finally - the one drug which gives the exact feeling I wanted - without any immediate comedown ! Naturally, I wanted to feel that way every waking minute of my life - and proceeded to do so, ignoring the "myth" of addiction.

    Well, sure enough - 5 years later, I was still - feeling that way every day. The insanity, the complete insanity of it all. My life depended on two people, "Carlos" and "Teardrop" - if they werent around for whatever reason, my life became a living hell. There was no distance I wouldnt travel to get it, no amount of money I wouldnt pay, and no responsibility I wouldn't neglect - nothing, but nothing could come between me and that feeling I loved so much. Eventually, the only time I was ever happy, was the first hour after getting high - the next 23 hours of every day were full of deep depression, and then withdrawal as the dose wore off. Next day, same thing. Over, and over again for 5 years.

    I finally found the will to stop - I realized how much of my life was being robbed by addiction. I was robbed of so much during those 5 years - who knows, if I wasnt busy getting high all that time, I may have found my future wife, or landed a better job (which is the one thing I managed to maintain through it all - someone must have been looking over me, I think it was my grandfather - god bless his soul). Addiction robs you of your soul - the things that make you who you are, the opinions you have, the little things you enjoy about life - they are disappear as you sink deeper into addiction and become a shell of a human being. You become spiritually gutted - you eat, you breathe, and thats it - there's nothing inside, you become a shell of a human being.

    Suboxone worked like a miracle for me, and I was using 10-15 bags a day, intraveinous.

    Good Luck !
  2. Terd

    Terd Well-Known Member

    You know, I knew what PAWS was, but I didn't. For example, I had to stop and read several sections over, immediately after I read it because I didn't remember what was said. My eyes were darting back and forth because I couldn't follow the lines of text in a linear fashion. I started freaking out because of it, grabbed my hair, rubbed my eyes, got out of my chair and paced back and forth a bit before I could sit down again. If you asked me tomorrow what the article said, I wouldn't remember most of it. As far as getting a good night's sleep and trying it again tomorrow, forget it. PAWS - ah yes, I think I understand now.
    PS The door to my monster's room is wide open, he's wide awake, and is staring at me right now.

    The hardest thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing.
  3. bryan79

    bryan79 Member

    tom that is axactly the way it went for me i feel like you took the words right from my mouth except i went about 8yrs and then got on methadone and havnt used in 3.5 yrs im still on methadone but getting off soon i hope i wish i knew about the subox before i got on meth but suboxsone was just comming around when i got on meth and i didnt know anything about it but the only thing i can do now is do the best i can to stay of the dope and work on getting off the meth slow and steady thanks for the post.
  4. chango

    chango Member

    Heh - when you mention the need to remind yourself to eat & drink when needed is great, as I remember my first time round with kicking heroin, and learning in a great rehab facility that one of our major differences between us & the "norms' is that those thngs that may come naturally to them (eat, slep, drink, etc...) may not to us, and usually isn't second nature by the time we're full blon in our acitve addiction!

    I can recall how happy I was when my appetite began to return, and how i just ate & ate and craved fresh fruit & healthy stuff all of the time!

    I have this to look forward to again, I guess, as, after over 10 years clean, I'm back in the saddle riding that cursed horse again! To read more on that, hit this link http://www.heroin-detox.com/heroin-...ter-over-10-years-being-clean.html#post141798

    Well - good luck & blessings to all of us who're still alive and here to find help, guidance, and others to assist us in our times of nasty need.

    Be well, all,
  5. girlintatts

    girlintatts Member

    So.. As i sit & read I wonder what the f@#k happened? I have abandonded the ability of choice. I remember those 5 years of my demon in deep hybernation. It took so much to get him to go to sleep after 20 years of him being brought to life. 12 of those years @ 2.5 grams a day just to stay well. After 6 days of my demon kicking me,beating me setting fire to my insides, he too got tired.

    What is it that I miss about that life? Why did I choose to play with him agian? We are going on 2.5 years back living with my demon. He is also aware that I am making him lay it down agian. He will fight me with everything he's got and I will feel like it's gonna kill me.

    I just keep reminding my self that the other side is near and I wont let him win. But once the storm is over what is gonna keep me from wakng him again?
  6. starlight

    starlight Well-Known Member

    Dear Spring,I know exactly what you mean.I always looked it like the white dog(good one),black dog(bad one).The more I fed the black dog...the weaker the white dog gets..... until you do so much dope the white dog is dead and the black dog is strong and thriving....that strong that now i have become the living white dog.IT went from the white dog in my head dying...to the real alive white dog dying....which is me.Thats when you get to the point of thinking....What the hell do I do now?....Thats when you really start to think about the addiction and thats when your mind really starts to become stuffed up.My drug of choice is not H...But have been offered it 100 times or so.I watched my sister go through it.Thats what made me always say no to it.I have an addiction with oxy's.....chewing them,thought about shooting them....but I know I have to much of an addictive personality and that probably would lead to the H.So i am just chewing them for now. Oxygirl
  7. that such a good explanation!!! couldnt have put it better myself!
  8. BadBillyBiker

    BadBillyBiker Member

    Chapter 2 My jarring experience

    Chango I had 23 years clean and got a herion habit. After 8 months of learning what I knew already, I did a 4 day Suboxone detox and now 1z days clean.
    What a nightmare but life is beginning to lookk good again.
    You know what you have to do; it ain't easy but it is simple.
  9. azrael193

    azrael193 New Member

    You have been gifted with an increasable introspective ability. You have an perfect grasp on your addiction and I can relate to your description in every way!! One could learn allot
    from u. Love God and do what thou wilt
  10. staryeyes

    staryeyes Well-Known Member

    this thread is exactly how i feel right now...i couldnt describe it in a better way. the depression is what kills me in this addiction and it feels like my mind runs through hoops. i relapsed again today but im determined to try to detox again this weekend on my two days off- sunday and monday. i want this demon in my head to perminately close his door and pad lock it with an iron gate. hopefully ill make it this time
  11. sosickntired

    sosickntired Member

    Well said!! I hate that ****er in my head he is very loud at the moment, I am on day two kicken heroin and he is running strong.....but im not gonna feed him and I believe he will be weak and I will be strong.....time is all I need...but damn the clock is running slow and he is running fast....
  12. Cristene23

    Cristene23 Member

    wow... i can't lie... this scares me. i came into sobriety convinced that i would always go back to using. i have NEVER known anyone to get off junk and STAY off. i have 5 years off heroin/methadone and am trying to get off suboxone and this post is right where i'm at.....my monster is going NUTS!!! he just loves that i'm sick and almost out of suboxone. what scares me the most is that he is the more patient one. i'm caught b/w f**k it go get better cristene and god help me. cunning baffling and powerful this disease is. but thru the grace of god we have each other, right?? hopefully our voices will be heard over the screams of the monster....
  13. spring

    spring Administrator

    Just keep in mind that...just like anything that's alive...as long as you don't feed that monster, he won't be able to thrive. I think I read in another post that you were on Sub for 5 years so you know it's going to take awhile to get through this. Glad you found us. You're in the right place.

    PS: Terd, you said The hardest thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing. How true that is! especially for me..
  14. Cristene23

    Cristene23 Member

    ya.. actually i've posted it everywhere. sorry. i didn't really know how this works at first. and you're right. i need to feed the positive. thank you for reminding me of that. amazing how there is a whole community of "us" here to support each other. don't get me wrong, aa is great and it's where i found my god and my sobriety but this is amazing. EVERYTHING i have read so far i can SO relate with and i just know you guys can relate to me. (yes-that was me sighing w/ relief)
  15. ThePrecipice

    ThePrecipice Well-Known Member

    and it never leaves us. By whatever means we found (or are still looking/experimenting with what works or doesn't work for us...) to cage it (the opiate monster), if it does somehow finds a way to make a break -ten years/twenty years c/s etc doesn't much matter...if it is allowed to escape, even for a night, like the cookie monster but will become louder and louder screeching, 'GIVE ME OPIATES! I WANT OPIATES!!!,' -oh stfu- all it sees and wants is opiates, opiates, opiates until its voracious appetite has been satisfied or until something inevitably will (and does) go wrong. Old-timers have shared this very view with me on several occasions though in not so many words.

    There must be a way to kill it.
  16. D Rae

    D Rae New Member

    This has been the most helpful explanation of a heroin user, to help me understand what my son is dealing with, thank you
  17. Cleanwithdreams7

    Cleanwithdreams7 Well-Known Member

    Thank you so much for this amazing piece of writing Spring. You really hit home with this one.

    Until now, I have never looked my addiction like that.

    And as I'm sure you already know, your writing of 'the monster' has helped many people, including myself

    Again thank you so very much Spring.

    And keep on keeping on.
  18. serenity80

    serenity80 Well-Known Member

    Wow!!! That gave me the chills. That's is exactly how I would describe it. I hope my monster stays in a coma forever. I wonder if we are born with it. That was so inspirational. It really spoke to me!!!!
  19. ab.the.zill

    ab.the.zill New Member

    I just NEED to let you know that you are amazing.
  20. Fox face

    Fox face Moderator

    Thanks Spring!!! Everyone should read this!

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