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Why oh why during recovery so many things hit you?

Discussion in 'General' started by Sebav, Jan 7, 2012.

  1. Sebav

    Sebav New Member

    Hi,

    Sorry in advance for my English. I'm Pole and English is not my native language.
    I'm addicted to alcohol, heroin and methcathinone as well as to diazepam probably.
    I have messed up too much in my life. As you probably may know i lost everything. Job, wife, car, and respect from otheres and myself.
    I'm clean from two month. And what happened now? I miss my wife, my car, my job so much so i have terrible hunger for heroin as it all is connected with this (I injected dope in my car when i was driving from my work into my wife). I miss them because today i find out that my ex-wife got new BoyFriend. I feel so sad and lonley. I call my mother and she didnt want to talk with me. I'm affraid to call my sponsor because i isolated from him recently and I feel embarassed (he tried to call me everyday for a straight week and i didnt answer the phone).
    I have no friends left as a lot of people lost respect to my after i didnt return them money i borrowed. (I still dont have job) and i feel so lonley so i had to lock my self up in home and hide a key in order to stay in home and stay clean.
    What should i do? As memories keep on pomping up in my head. I feel terrible guilt and embarasment and shame. My thoughts are concentrating araund that i cant change (I know it mentally but not emotionally) like the past or trying to get my wife back.
    Please I need an advise.
     
  2. peacenik

    peacenik Administrator

    Hi Sebav,

    I can really remember feeling like you do. When I got clean I had been using for 19 years. I had lost all my friends. My wife had kicked me out, and my parents didn't want to have anything to do with me either.

    And you know no matter how tough the withdrawal was the thing that was the most devastating was what you've described - the feeling that I was losing my life and that I didn't posess what it would take to get it back.

    But Sebav, the good news is that feeling was the beginning of the end of my addiction and it can be for you too.

    Try as I did to fix things, to figure out a way to keep going, to get my wife back, to do anything, I failed. I knew that if I kept going the way I was I was going to die, and though death seemed in some ways preferable to the way I was living I could feel this little spark of life - deep inside I knew I didn't want to die.

    That can be your turning point because when you know you don't posess the answer you become teachable, willing to try something different. I put aside all my thoughts and fears about my life, went away to treatment and started building a new life drug free.

    I'm not saying it's easy, but it's partly in giving up the fight - letting go of all your problems and focusing on just one - getting through a day without using. In NA where I went in my early days, they say "a clean day is a successful day" for that reason. And by letting go, you can begin to build up a series of what I called little victories, and in time you find you have six months, or a year clean and some new truths have revealed themselves to you - you're getting your life back.

    best of luck Sebav. I hope you'll make that decision like I did, go for it 100%, because half-way, switching one drug for another, doesn't work, at least not for an addict like me. And besides, I can tell you that life drug free is beyond your wildest dreams Sebav - don't be afraid.

    Dave
     
  3. Relapser

    Relapser Member

    All I can say is hang in there buddy...as far as the "stinking thinking" goes try to occupy yourself as much as possible...you didnt get to where you are overnight, so it will take some time to get what get back what you lost...some of the people may come back some may not for as addicts we burn many bridges...trust, respect, and loyalty are earned over a period of time...your actions speak much louder than your words as I consider myself a great bullshit artist(most addicts do)...material items can be regained if you apply yourself so put those to the back burner and concentrate on your personal relationships for these are much harder IMO to re-establish...its been almost a year since I completed treatment and people still doubt me b/c of my old behavior which still sometimes comes out...lying, undependable, trust,selfishness etc...it just takes time but you have to love and respect yourself before you can expect others too...its easy to pick up and use again, but all if any progress was made is erased as quick as you use...good luck keep your head up and try to understand the hurt you caused your loved ones and most important yourself...keep busy and stay clean...easier said than done, i know...life will get better if you give yourself a chance and dont be embarrassed to call your sponsor as I'm almost certain they've done the same thing...wish you the best
     
  4. Bonita

    Bonita Well-Known Member

    I so feel your pain. I wish I could say things will get better if only you stay clean but we create a lot of damage when we use ... some never forgive us.

    Isolation will lead only to using. So if you can.. call your sponser. Try and not focus on what you lost but what you will gain. Your wife may not come back.. your Mom will. Once they see your stayig clean mom will forgive. It takes time.. they are waitng for the other shoe to drop, dont let it. How many times told my family I quit but only to relapse.. they waited to see when the relapse will happen.

    I promise you the using will not allow things to get better. Staying clean and we get a second chance in life. I had to rebuild my life. I had none really. I woke up, I used, I brushed my teeth and went to work, I used, I came home from work I used till I passed out. Clean.. I was able to start over. Not easy at all. I did have to surrender and just not get high. I had to build new friends, after a yr my famly allowed me back around and now I am even allowed in thier house when they are not there. I dont use....I had to prove this to them. Saying it meant crap. Showing it is what got thru to them.

    Not gonna say if you dont use life will get easier.. the truth is it gets a bit harder first then slowly got better. I did the isolation bit too when I got clean and it nearly took me out. All I had to do was go to a meeting. I am not a twelve stepper per say but those rooms saved my life the first yr. Only way for me to even have a friendship.. at least they were willing to give me a chance and willing to spend time with me.

    Keep it up... stay clean. Use those AA rooms for your benifit and find a friend or two that you can have coffee with, talk to and get a hug when needed. they will come in handy when those craving began to take over your thoughts.

    Will pray for you.
     

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